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Post by baza on May 9, 2017 23:19:28 GMT -5
mrslowmaintenance Quoting you here - "This is exactly what makes me so sad, and honestly scared.
If my H and I were to ever separate ...I could see him finding women like crazy and having wonderful sex and relationships and me alone. That is so sad to me, and I know it is exceedingly selfish and awful but it is the truth. I want to be happy, and us to be happy together, but if we were to be apart I don't want to be unhappy while he is even more happy than he is now. I feel like a horrible person for actually typing that out though."If you and your spouse split, you will have as much control over what (and who) he does as you have right now. None whatsoever.
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 10, 2017 3:10:48 GMT -5
It is possible to have a decent social life as you have seen recently, but your spouse is not a part of, or a contributor to that. It is possible to have a decent sex life too. But again, your spouse ain't in that picture or a contributor to it. These things - a social and sexual life - are pretty major components to a relationship. And he's AWOL. Yes, I miss having a social life and since joining here and speaking to my husband about my unhappiness with our marriage, I have decided to just go out without him. I have encouraged him over the years to go out with friends but he only does that maybe once year. When I go out with friends he usually says I owe him now and then he goes and sees a movie alone. We do have game nights occasionally, more frequently of late. Those are a lot of fun so I can't say we never socialize together. But outside of that all events we go to together are family get together a at his parents house. Right now, my husband has gone off to bed without me and again I refused to join. I think I will sleep in the spare room tonight. You 'OWE' him??!!!....Sorry... Did I REALLY just read that? Actually I am really struggling with this. You go out with friends, he feels you are 'one up', so decides to go out....alone....to make things even? Re the spare room, moving out of the bedroom permanently would make a clearer statement btw. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 10, 2017 7:20:15 GMT -5
Like my "asexual" wife did? Or my buddy's bookish asexual wife, who constantly flirts with me when she is alone? This is kind of a good illustration on why results and evidence-based feedback tends to be superior to chasing "why?" as a rhetorical exercise. People really aren't very good at articulating motives when those motives aren't aligned to intention. If the intention is to "stay in the relationship" but the motive is to "avoid romantic expression with that person", things get very hard to sort out to make them both fit. When asked to account, they will naturally come back with a list of whatever stresses are in their lives, such as they are, or whatever they might not like about a person. It's a response that ends the discussion, but fixing that problem likely doesn't turn into the pursuit of romantic affection. Instead, the next gripe gets pulled from the deck, and so on. Desire is not formed from an absence of gripes. It's often formed in spite of them. It's not even uncommon in my dating experience as a separated man, to discover stories in which many women (or as they describe, their husbands) going off sex, and then following that relationship, having sex again. You get all these stories fixed on asexuality as the core issue of the misalignment, and then following the marriage - it turns out that's not the case at all. This is exactly what makes me so sad, and honestly scared. If my H and I were to ever separate ...I could see him finding women like crazy and having wonderful sex and relationships and me alone. That is so sad to me, and I know it is exceedingly selfish and awful but it is the truth. I want to be happy, and us to be happy together, but if we were to be apart I don't want to be unhappy while he is even more happy than he is now. I feel like a horrible person for actually typing that out though. This is exactly how i feel. Notwithstanding her endless commentary about how she is the most honest person on earth, i consider my wife to be an unreformable liar, at least when it comes to sexlessness and why. We are reaching the end of our road, and i honestly have no hope that i will ever have a relationship again. My wife will find her zillionaire acts of service attuned knight in shining armor (or five of them maybe) and suddenly she will be sexually willing. But this is only part of it, as i think you point out. I imagine she will be happier without me and i will be alone. There is such an element of unfairness. So be it i guess, but it causes me great sadness to think this now. I don't think this makes you a horrible person at all. It is time for you to take care of yourself, and to understand this so that you don't fall into a pattern that will lead you to the place you fear. |
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Post by Apocrypha on May 10, 2017 10:37:40 GMT -5
This is exactly what makes me so sad, and honestly scared. If my H and I were to ever separate ...I could see him finding women like crazy and having wonderful sex and relationships and me alone. That is so sad to me, and I know it is exceedingly selfish and awful but it is the truth. I want to be happy, and us to be happy together, but if we were to be apart I don't want to be unhappy while he is even more happy than he is now. I feel like a horrible person for actually typing that out though. It's challenging to make that final leap to acceptance of the relationship as it is. To swallow the whole thing. Perfectly understandable. This is often why I stress the importance of accepting the reality that your former partner WILL almost certainly find another sexual relationship, perhaps even very shortly after splitting - regardless of where the present discussion is focused. It's because it's that fear - that fear that it's YOU - or something about the two of you - that prevents action. Much easier to treat is as some kind of external force to the relationship, like a cancer or illness that can be battled as supportive allies, than you embrace the notion that something happened somewhere to turn off the attraction, permanently. MrsLowMaintenance, I went through a mental hopscotch to get me to the point where I was able to reframe the relationship in a more authentic way, which allowed me to take action. Rather than boiling the ocean with a "why" and a remedy - I tried that and did a lot of work to fix myself - I got fit, upgraded my style, was already informed and open to all manner of sexual styles and technique, got friends, social life, became more emotionally open, available and honest. Years of couples therapy. That improved aspects of our relationship but didn't fix that one problem of desire. I then accepted that my wife did not desire sexual relations with me. Full stop. I also noted that when we DID have sexual relations, it wasn't good - seemingly deliberate. And then - and this is the edge of the diving board - I accepted that I did not have a sexual relationship with my partner. I did not have a sexual relationship with that woman. Accepting that fact changes EVERYTHING and rebalances the responsibility. Marinate in that for a while. Ponder the other non-sexual intimate relationships you have and the expectations and habits you maintain with them. This was the point where all kinds of practical severing and disengagement occurred. - the ring, removed. - sleeping separately, sleeping soundly, with no participation in an intimate dynamic - making independent plans for recreational time and interests, with no attempt to engage - gradually, on the big days - anniversary, Valentines Day - not attempting to present or force something that wasn't there. No pretending and no pressure. If she wanted to make it an issue, the onus was on her. I got her a dry card that presented authentic things I enjoyed, but that was it - no pretense or future hinted. Once you accept that you do not have a romantic or sexual relationship with that person, the mind begins to adapt to the implications of that fact. Yes, it will hurt when they certainly seek romantic or sexual relations with someone else - a comparative stranger - over you. On the other hand, the two of you don't have sexual relations. You have antipathy. So you aren't LOSING anything, except the lie. It's gangrenous tissue. It's going to hurt - terribly - to lose the lie. It's an amputation. But it's going to happen, sooner or later. And then, there's room for something else. Even if there's nothing else, it's still not this rot. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on May 12, 2017 14:32:34 GMT -5
Back when I was still wanting sex with my hub, his ploy to appease me was a date night. i would dress the way he liked and prepared as if for a formal date. I was hoping this would open sexually playful discussions and sexual tension to be played out on the weekend. We all know this didn't happen. He started traveling and we didn't pick date night back up. One morning over breakfast I started making noises about wanting sex. He said "Lets start our date night again. We've gotten off track". I became so angry. I told him that I didn't want to go to an effing restaurant. He just looked sad and left the table.
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Post by solodriver on May 12, 2017 20:21:33 GMT -5
When I brought the suggestion to my wife a few years ago about having a weekly date night, she actually started making excuses not to do that. Almost the same identical excuses for not having sex. The only different excuse she used was "we have no money to do anything". I then angrily said that we didn't need any damn money for what I thought we could enjoy doing and stormed out of the room and have never discussed it again. Another realization of just how far apart we have drifted and how she really feels. I'll never do it again.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2017 20:40:38 GMT -5
When I brought the suggestion to my wife a few years ago about having a weekly date night, she actually started making excuses not to do that. Almost the same identical excuses for not having sex. The only different excuse she used was "we have no money to do anything". I then angrily said that we didn't need any damn money for what I thought we could enjoy doing and stormed out of the room and have never discussed it again. Another realization of just how far apart we have drifted and how she really feels. I'll never do it again.
Um... in all respect, you'll never do what again? Storm out of the room and let her manipulate you? Ever offer to do anything with her again, weather it includes money, or is free? Never care about her selfish feelings, her controlling, take over ,high on a pedestal ,attitude, but will instead go out alone or with other people, and let her stay home? So what did you do for yourself , on this Friday evening? I mean we are both on here aren't we? Where are other people our age on this Friday evening? I spent two hours driving around town, looking to see where the people are. By 6:30pm the beaches and parks are empty, but the Restaurants, full of people. Some have little mini bars, some are bars with mini restaurants, some are hotels with restaurants and mini bars. Most seemed full of couples.I personally am clueless on how to even attempt going to a restaurant alone and meeting someone. I am hoping to start asking other people who can direct me to friends who have gone through divorce, and encourage and guide me. Just to stick my toe in the water and get an idea, of what the future could hold. I am not even going to go on line until after the divorce is completely final. That will be a whole nother roller coaster. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2017 21:20:32 GMT -5
When I brought the suggestion to my wife a few years ago about having a weekly date night, she actually started making excuses not to do that. Almost the same identical excuses for not having sex. The only different excuse she used was "we have no money to do anything". I then angrily said that we didn't need any damn money for what I thought we could enjoy doing and stormed out of the room and have never discussed it again. Another realization of just how far apart we have drifted and how she really feels. I'll never do it again.
You got the "no money to do anything" lie too? A very powerful tool in the hands of a manipulative controller. Just try and turn the tables on them ,and watch the double standards go into action. They hate it. |
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Post by solodriver on May 12, 2017 22:14:35 GMT -5
When I brought the suggestion to my wife a few years ago about having a weekly date night, she actually started making excuses not to do that. Almost the same identical excuses for not having sex. The only different excuse she used was "we have no money to do anything". I then angrily said that we didn't need any damn money for what I thought we could enjoy doing and stormed out of the room and have never discussed it again. Another realization of just how far apart we have drifted and how she really feels. I'll never do it again.
Um... in all respect, you'll never do what again? Storm out of the room and let her manipulate you? Ever offer to do anything with her again, weather it includes money, or is free? Never care about her selfish feelings, her controlling, take over ,high on a pedestal ,attitude, but will instead go out alone or with other people, and let her stay home? So what did you do for yourself , on this Friday evening? I mean we are both on here aren't we? Where are other people our age on this Friday evening? I spent two hours driving around town, looking to see where the people are. By 6:30pm the beaches and parks are empty, but the Restaurants, full of people. Some have little mini bars, some are bars with mini restaurants, some are hotels with restaurants and mini bars. Most seemed full of couples.I personally am clueless on how to even attempt going to a restaurant alone and meeting someone. I am hoping to start asking other people who can direct me to friends who have gone through divorce, and encourage and guide me. Just to stick my toe in the water and get an idea, of what the future could hold. I am not even going to go on line until after the divorce is completely final. That will be a whole nother roller coaster. I won't ever offer another date night and we are just roommates at this point sharing the same house. On this Friday night I really don't have any money, lol, so I'm just enjoying the company here and watching Snapped, which probably isn't a good thing lol. People can be crazy. |
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on May 19, 2017 10:12:09 GMT -5
Wow... "Hell you can even get laid tonight"! I like you.
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bob61
New Member
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Post by bob61 on May 19, 2017 11:28:50 GMT -5
I'll admit that I'm somewhat clueless as a guy but I do realize that women often want to feel pursued, flowers etc but when the bar keeps getting pushed higher and higher anybody is bound to give up. To me it sounds like you rejected him too many times so he doesn't even bother anymore. Would it kill women to simply say "Hey let's make love" . Are they that afraid that their partner will do to them what they have done to their partner? He might, so you know how it feels, but not if you ask a second time.
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bob61
New Member
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Post by bob61 on May 19, 2017 11:39:41 GMT -5
Yes, I miss having a social life and since joining here and speaking to my husband about my unhappiness with our marriage, I have decided to just go out without him. I have encouraged him over the years to go out with friends but he only does that maybe once year. When I go out with friends he usually says I owe him now and then he goes and sees a movie alone. We do have game nights occasionally, more frequently of late. Those are a lot of fun so I can't say we never socialize together. But outside of that all events we go to together are family get together a at his parents house. Right now, my husband has gone off to bed without me and again I refused to join. I think I will sleep in the spare room tonight. You 'OWE' him??!!!....Sorry... Did I REALLY just read that? Actually I am really struggling with this. You go out with friends, he feels you are 'one up', so decides to go out....alone....to make things even? Re the spare room, moving out of the bedroom permanently would make a clearer statement btw. Maybe too many nights of her refusing to join him is why he doesn't bother anymore. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 19, 2017 12:31:08 GMT -5
You 'OWE' him??!!!....Sorry... Did I REALLY just read that? Actually I am really struggling with this. You go out with friends, he feels you are 'one up', so decides to go out....alone....to make things even? Re the spare room, moving out of the bedroom permanently would make a clearer statement btw. Maybe too many nights of her refusing to join him is why he doesn't bother anymore. And why do you think it is that she refuses to join him? |
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Post by JonDoe on May 20, 2017 20:52:13 GMT -5
I'm too much of a coward to try that. Plus I am not prepared to follow through with the threat. I am extremely confrontation adverse and learned at an early age that it was in my best interest to feign happiness and swallow my own pain. I'm so good at fooling people that my boss thinks my husband and I should win couple of the year (we work for the same agency). I recommend that you stand in front of the mirror once a day for 30 consecutive days and ask yourself if you can continue this act for another 30 years or more. Perhaps you are so good at fooling people, that you are fooling yourself too. Don't get me wrong, I hope that you can find a way to make it work for both of you, but sometimes divorce is the only option. Only you can decide that for yourself. Good luck! |
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Post by baza on May 20, 2017 21:06:47 GMT -5
Sister appleaday"If" you were to cease to engage in "feigning happiness and swallowing your own pain", what do you figure the worst possible consequences of that choice would be ? Think on that for a bit. And, once you have established what the worst possible consequences would be, put that under the microscope. Would that worst case scenario actually be a bad thing in the longer term ? |
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