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Post by seabr33z3 on May 12, 2017 2:45:07 GMT -5
I think I am becoming a cynical bitch. I am reading through the posts and I dont get why anyone wants lyn to be kind or compassionate to her husband. Sex or no sex. And Lyn, why isnt it ok to be an A-hole? Infact, if there was ever going to be a time when someone is an A-hole to the spouse in a SM why cant it be at the point where you put uour foot down and say "I am not doing this anymore" I didn't see a lot of that. What I saw was " don't fall for it". Some reasons given were that she would feel bad about herself after having " mediocre" sex for no good reason other than seeking comfort after the death of her father. Giving her husband false hope was also mentioned. Nothing wrong with that. Why be deliberately mean for the sake of revenge, leaving her feel like a heel? Very few refusers are deliberately mean. Yes they cause great pain, but their intention is more about selfishness in favour of themselves and what they want/ don't want from their respective spouses.They generally don't set out to cause pain for their own pleasure. ( most not all of course) |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2017 9:55:38 GMT -5
sweetplumeria,
I've found that it hurts me when I'm mean to someone. It takes emotional energy to hold a grudge.
I find apathy is much better for dealing with things. I don't attach my emotions to the situations. It's way to easy to delude yourself and cause yourself grief and pain by carrying around the anger. It comes out usually in your behavior or your health.
I'm honest with my wife and open. I try not to hurt her feelings but sometimes the truth can hurt. After our discussion yesterday, my wife had a panic attack while I was gone. I did not mean to cause her pain but I was just honest with her. I did not take back what I said but I'll go easier today and give her space.
There are effective ways of dealing with someone. I find the direct and honest approach without emotions very effective. It's just the facts. This is how I feel about the situation, This is what I need,... etc... You then have to accept what your spouse says about you.
Before I got pissed at my wife and would leave the house. I was a ball of emotions. Now, I'm just an observer and try to live in the moment.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2017 10:17:45 GMT -5
What a few hours of just chilling aka meditation can do for the soul. No kidding. Thanks for baring with me here everyone. This was an extremely cathartic post for me - each and everyone of you are so kind beyond measure. I followed this thread and admit it was pretty tough for me to come up with anything helpful. It was a complex question but I am glad you found your answer lynI am also glad you have your exit plan in place. I will take the liberty to encourage you to go through a process of healing and introspection for a few weeks before jumping into bed with one of the fish out there. Most of us SM folks are injured and need to heal ourselves once it is behind us. I think if you give yourself a few weeks atleast going through some introspection and healing, any sex thereafter will be that much more fulfilling and soothing and not to forget that much more pleasurable since you would have allowed the desires to slowly build up. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2017 10:31:58 GMT -5
Lyn's husband is still living at the house with her. The divorce has not taken place yet. It's a big difference when people are already separated and living in different places. I realize the strong pull of emotions. When I have sex with my wife, it releases the bonding hormone. I'm comfortable with my wife. After my wife gives me sex, I feel attached to her. If I was divorcing my wife, I would forgo sex with her until I had moved out. Emotions are too raw during a separation. Don't underestimate them. I'm sure McRoomMate could tell us more. Amen! on this one! Just even walking by my stbx in the hallway, or waiting for her to go through a door feels like, "egh, that was close". She comes home, I hear her voice, I think" Oh, it's her". I want dinner to be over with so I can leave. Nothing gets said at the table. (mostly). When she leaves early for work in the mornings or gone for a weekend visiting her family, it's like a vacation, a relief. When things get beyond the "roommate status" why stay together/?It's just detrimental to everyone. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 12, 2017 12:17:11 GMT -5
Lyn's husband is still living at the house with her. The divorce has not taken place yet. It's a big difference when people are already separated and living in different places. I realize the strong pull of emotions. When I have sex with my wife, it releases the bonding hormone. I'm comfortable with my wife. After my wife gives me sex, I feel attached to her. If I was divorcing my wife, I would forgo sex with her until I had moved out. Emotions are too raw during a separation. Don't underestimate them. I'm sure McRoomMate could tell us more. Amen! on this one! Just even walking by my stbx in the hallway, or waiting for her to go through a door feels like, "egh, that was close". She comes home, I hear her voice, I think" Oh, it's her". I want dinner to be over with so I can leave. Nothing gets said at the table. (mostly). When she leaves early for work in the mornings or gone for a weekend visiting her family, it's like a vacation, a relief. When things get beyond the "roommate status" why stay together/?It's just detrimental to everyone. At this point, i would be lucky to get a reset friendly hug. When you dread coming home in the evening because you have to be in her presence for a couple hours before you go to sleep, there really isn't anything left to reset. |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 12, 2017 15:05:04 GMT -5
lyn My deep sympathies and empathies for the loss of your Father. And in my experience a Divorce is also a loss even if it is obvious and the right thing to do. For me the Marriage and family unit dies too. The people are still alive and life goes on but there is a grieving process there as well. So you are NOT alone. God bless and courage!
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Post by lyn on May 13, 2017 10:50:39 GMT -5
lyn My deep sympathies and empathies for the loss of your Father. And in my experience a Divorce is also a loss even if it is obvious and the right thing to do. For me the Marriage and family unit dies too. The people are still alive and life goes on but there is a grieving process there as well. So you are NOT alone. God bless and courage! Thank you McRoomMate - you are very kind. Maybe I can get a 2 for 1 with the therapist and grieve both losses at the same time. If only it could work like that! Good luck to you too! I hope you're well. |
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Post by lyn on May 13, 2017 10:57:55 GMT -5
What a few hours of just chilling aka meditation can do for the soul. No kidding. Thanks for baring with me here everyone. This was an extremely cathartic post for me - each and everyone of you are so kind beyond measure. I followed this thread and admit it was pretty tough for me to come up with anything helpful. It was a complex question but I am glad you found your answer lynI am also glad you have your exit plan in place. I will take the liberty to encourage you to go through a process of healing and introspection for a few weeks before jumping into bed with one of the fish out there. Most of us SM folks are injured and need to heal ourselves once it is behind us. I think if you give yourself a few weeks atleast going through some introspection and healing, any sex thereafter will be that much more fulfilling and soothing and not to forget that much more pleasurable since you would have allowed the desires to slowly build up. Thank you @teer - you're absolutely right - I do need to begin the healing process definitely on my own - and have no plans to jump into bed with anyone (well, maybe my dog😉) for a bit. However, just to have the FREEDOM again to actually have sex again with someone who actually WANTS to with me will be nothing short of amazing. Friendship first, with someone cool would be the ultimate ....... from there intimacy / sex follows. I believe I sound naive. Pretty sure I'll get a dose or two of reality pretty quick once liberated. |
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Post by lyn on May 13, 2017 11:06:59 GMT -5
I think I am becoming a cynical bitch. I am reading through the posts and I dont get why anyone wants lyn to be kind or compassionate to her husband. Sex or no sex. And Lyn, why isnt it ok to be an A-hole? Infact, if there was ever going to be a time when someone is an A-hole to the spouse in a SM why cant it be at the point where you put uour foot down and say "I am not doing this anymore" Oh I hear this sweetplumeria. Sometimes I WANT to be an a-hole ...... sometimes I probably slip and teeter pretty close to being one - he is on my last nerve. I do, however, think it's in my best interest to be as kind as possible right now though. The talk will be happening very very son and he will be very very angry - of course. If I can keep my cool - there's a better chance he'll keep his somewhat at least. It would make for a much easier divorce process. I honestly don't know WHAT I was thinking to even consider the "exit sex"....... I'm not remotely attracted to him anymore. I'd rather with the Gardner or actually NOBODY at the present moment. |
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Post by lyn on May 13, 2017 11:11:54 GMT -5
Lyn's husband is still living at the house with her. The divorce has not taken place yet. It's a big difference when people are already separated and living in different places. I realize the strong pull of emotions. When I have sex with my wife, it releases the bonding hormone. I'm comfortable with my wife. After my wife gives me sex, I feel attached to her. If I was divorcing my wife, I would forgo sex with her until I had moved out. Emotions are too raw during a separation. Don't underestimate them. I'm sure McRoomMate could tell us more. Amen! on this one! Just even walking by my stbx in the hallway, or waiting for her to go through a door feels like, "egh, that was close". She comes home, I hear her voice, I think" Oh, it's her". I want dinner to be over with so I can leave. Nothing gets said at the table. (mostly). When she leaves early for work in the mornings or gone for a weekend visiting her family, it's like a vacation, a relief. When things get beyond the "roommate status" why stay together/?It's just detrimental to everyone. I so "get this" GC. My H had the last two days off - it was almost funny how we both seemed to find "important" errands that just had to be run - separately, both days. When I hear him come through the door in the evening - I'm usually on the deck watching the sunset - I just sit back, and think "ugh"...... "can't wait for this to be over. Sounds like we're in similar place- |
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Post by rdp62 on May 27, 2017 12:52:47 GMT -5
Ok - just spitballing here. Is there ever an upside to accepting reset sex? A downside? My exit plan is firmly in place - everything is in order - have attorney's on speed dial, cash, even know where I'm going to live after. The actual celibacy might possibly be killing me at this point 😞 He's been attempting reset pretty regularly (after being out - with a few cocktails)........ How detrimental do y'all think it would be if I go along with it one time? Still leaving, plans still in place, but, a warm body might be nice for the time being. I'm actually pretty conflicted about this. Not big on "using" people, but we are actually married here. So....... Ugh...... this is tough Don't do it |
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