|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 5, 2017 12:01:09 GMT -5
If it were me I would exercise my right to be a counter refuser so he could see what rejection feels like but that's me.
Bitter and spiteful and not the way I am naturally but sex with STBX would not have been satisfying anyway. No thank you!
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 5, 2017 12:33:41 GMT -5
There may be two positives:
1) You prove to yourself, you've still got it. (I'd much rather have that proven to me by someone new)
2) It gets him off your case for a while. (like so many of us go through with a re-set)
However the negatives far outweigh the positives.
speaking of negatives: "he's been attempting reset pretty regularly, (after being out-with a few cocktails)..."
Is the only reason he is offering you something ,as low as a reset ,is because he's drunk?
That is disrespectful, demoralizing, degrading, immature, childish , arrogant, and a huge insult to your character, beauty,, and charm. Don't degrade yourself.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 5, 2017 12:34:49 GMT -5
Lyn's husband is still living at the house with her. The divorce has not taken place yet. It's a big difference when people are already separated and living in different places.
I realize the strong pull of emotions. When I have sex with my wife, it releases the bonding hormone. I'm comfortable with my wife. After my wife gives me sex, I feel attached to her.
If I was divorcing my wife, I would forgo sex with her until I had moved out. Emotions are too raw during a separation. Don't underestimate them. I'm sure McRoomMate could tell us more.
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 5, 2017 13:04:42 GMT -5
It would be one thing if it was the "last kiss", goodbye so to speak. But it sounds like that is not were your divorce is at right now. I would agree with everyone here that says don't do. it.
|
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 5, 2017 13:59:43 GMT -5
There may be two positives: 1) You prove to yourself, you've still got it. (I'd much rather have that proven to me by someone new) 2) It gets him off your case for a while. (like so many of us go through with a re-set) However the negatives far outweigh the positives. speaking of negatives: "he's been attempting reset pretty regularly, (after being out-with a few cocktails)..." Is the only reason he is offering you something ,as low as a reset ,is because he's drunk? That is disrespectful, demoralizing, degrading, immature, childish , arrogant, and a huge insult to your character, beauty,, and charm. Don't degrade yourself. Thanks GC - the funny thing is, he doesn't drink much. It seems he's more inclined to "offer" reset sex in this after drinking scenario if I'M the one who has had a few. I'm sure with some simple psychoanalysis of that particular tidbit, even more details with respect to his inability for intimacy would be uncovered. Don't think I'll toss that one around today. |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 5, 2017 14:03:02 GMT -5
Ok - just spitballing here. Is there ever an upside to accepting reset sex? A downside? My exit plan is firmly in place - everything is in order - have attorney's on speed dial, cash, even know where I'm going to live after. The actual celibacy might possibly be killing me at this point 😞 He's been attempting reset pretty regularly (after being out - with a few cocktails)........ How detrimental do y'all think it would be if I go along with it one time? Still leaving, plans still in place, but, a warm body might be nice for the time being. I'm actually pretty conflicted about this. Not big on "using" people, but we are actually married here. So....... Ugh...... this is tough To quote the warrior-poet Akon, "doesn't matter, had sex." From all accounts, he should know what's coming by now, a mile away- ESPECIALLY after family members have flat out told him you're leaving. I personally see nothing wrong with one last (potential) orgasm, if you're so inclined. I know in my case, even if my wife had been up for it, I'd quite honestly become so disgusted with the thought of sex with her that I wouldn't have gone along anyway. As long as you don't feel the same way, I'd say go for it. Yeah, it's not going to happen. I'm no longer attracted to him for one. And you're right CT, I do believe that he knows what's coming - I mean, how couldn't he? He has been warned and warned and warned again. I think this was just a passing thought - the whole accepting the reset sex thing - the idea probably had/has very little to do with the actual act of sex. |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 5, 2017 14:08:20 GMT -5
To me it would just be sex. To him, on the other hand, he might think it's more than that. An olive branch of sorts - false hope. I'm a lot of things, but am certainly not an a**hole. Probably shouldn't sleep with him, but, what I will do is tell him why I won't (that is if the opportunity arises again)., The end of this thing is far trickier than I ever imagined. I'll be out soon enough though and I'm finding there are plenty of fish in the sea. This story is just getting old! So ready for a new one. It says in the Good Book "The Truth shall set you free" - Man did I get that in a massive dose and with it my freedom. So personally, I find the idea of saying no and explaining why would be acting in transparency and good faith - and does not seem to be intentionally causing him harm (like unloading on your bad past behavior with sordid confessions etc. - for example). Because here you are explaining your heart/mind as the deep reason for your "no" answer - you might want some physical but not at the expense of offering "false hope". Oh boy, I can tell you being guilty of "False Hope" really sucks - not a fun thing to have committed. Thanks McRoomMate - thanks for this AND thank you for sharing the details of your story with us. Living in transparency is the ONLY way to live. If I find myself in another monogamous relationship at some point in the future, transparency, communication, and intimacy are right up there with sex. Without these things, the relationship will fail. |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 5, 2017 14:10:17 GMT -5
If it were me I would exercise my right to be a counter refuser so he could see what rejection feels like but that's me. Bitter and spiteful and not the way I am naturally but sex with STBX would not have been satisfying anyway. No thank you! I agree bballgirl, counter refusing is very tempting. Truth be told, it doesn't feel very good though to be the counter-refuser. Makes me feel like a petty a**hole. |
|
|
|
Post by h on May 5, 2017 14:12:26 GMT -5
If it were me I would exercise my right to be a counter refuser so he could see what rejection feels like but that's me. Bitter and spiteful and not the way I am naturally but sex with STBX would not have been satisfying anyway. No thank you! I agree bballgirl , counter refusing is very tempting. Truth be told, it doesn't feel very good though to be the counter-refuser. Makes me feel like a petty a**hole. Still worth it. |
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on May 5, 2017 14:12:37 GMT -5
To quote the warrior-poet Akon, "doesn't matter, had sex." From all accounts, he should know what's coming by now, a mile away- ESPECIALLY after family members have flat out told him you're leaving. I personally see nothing wrong with one last (potential) orgasm, if you're so inclined. I know in my case, even if my wife had been up for it, I'd quite honestly become so disgusted with the thought of sex with her that I wouldn't have gone along anyway. As long as you don't feel the same way, I'd say go for it. Yeah, it's not going to happen. I'm no longer attracted to him for one. And you're right CT, I do believe that he knows what's coming - I mean, how couldn't he? He has been warned and warned and warned again. I think this was just a passing thought - the whole accepting the reset sex thing - the idea probably had/has very little to do with the actual act of sex. I think in the long (and short) run, that will be the best decision. Maybe when you make your move he'll also be more willing to play ball if he's not hanging in to some last hope, based off something that happened that in your opinion was just a one - off thing. Pulling for you as the time grows closer for you to make your move. |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 5, 2017 14:23:25 GMT -5
If it were me I would exercise my right to be a counter refuser so he could see what rejection feels like but that's me. Bitter and spiteful and not the way I am naturally but sex with STBX would not have been satisfying anyway. No thank you! I agree bballgirl , counter refusing is very tempting. Truth be told, it doesn't feel very good though to be the counter-refuser. Makes me feel like a petty a**hole. I am and I think my wife is still trying to save our marriage. I told her, I would never refuse you because I love you to much to go thru the rejection. But I do not think she understands what it does to me. I guess because she has never been rejected and I can't bring my self to hurt her like that. I figured that being a counter refuser would be one of my indicators that it is time to get a divorce. |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 5, 2017 14:35:13 GMT -5
What a few hours of just chilling aka meditation can do for the soul. No kidding.
It's dawned on me that this was NEVER about accepting reset sex. In fact, I'm sure this has zero to even do with sex. This is going off of this thread topic a bit, but I think it does apply.
My dad passed away not all that long ago. It was extremely traumatic. I was with him at the time - it happened fast - it was brutal. We were very close. I'm nowhere near finished with the grieving process. I don't think I ever will be.
How does this tie in with the original question here?
My dad's birthday is this month. I'm also announcing the divorce this month - right around the same time (this is the plan anyway) Not on purpose - just a coincidence.
My H is not the typical Refuser (YES he IS one though). Typical is probably not even the right word. He is averse to intimacy and maybe asexual, maybe gay, I really don't know - that part is what it is - not searching for this particular answer. What my H is, however, is very good at "taking care" of me. If I want or need something - he is fast on his feet to help me with this or that. He still tells me he loves me 5-10 times every day. Compliments me each day. Helps me with projects - wants me to have an "easy" life, likes to buy gifts for me..... blah blah blah.......you get the picture.
(Trust me - he has plenty of issues that are deal breakers as well - lying - gambling - oh yes, the no sex/intimacy thing for 11 years, etc)
Since for the most part our marriage has been categorically sexless (way less than the 10x per year) - he's almost become a pseudo parent.
I think with the loss of my dad still so fresh and painful, the idea that I'll be losing this other, kind of, parental figure is really almost too much for my psyche to bare.
Yes, I know this isn't the type of marriage I want or need for sooooo many reasons. We are incompatible in so many ways - but this other side of him, this kind, nurturing side, reminds me so much of my dad and what I've lost there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
So, NO, we won't be having reset sex, ever.
Probs should find a new therapist - this isn't going to be easy.
Thanks for baring with me here everyone. This was an extremely cathartic post for me - each and everyone of you are so kind beyond measure.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on May 5, 2017 15:27:11 GMT -5
Is it reset sex if you're not "reset"? Completely honestly, if you can stick with the plan, I don't see the harm. Just be sure you'll stick with the plan.  , I know I'm replying to myself, but want to change my mind. My first thought was whether or not it would hurt your husband. And given the state of mind I was in when I wrote that (my wife was kind of pissing me off at the time), I maybe projected my own thoughts on your situation and simply didn't give a shit about a refusing spouse. In retrospect, it would hurt your husband. And for that reason, you probably shouldn't do it. Deep down, you are a good person. Like the rest of us, you got dealt a shitty hand in spouse poker. If you were to sleep with him, you would probably feel better for a little bit (or you may feel shitty...hard to say). But, upon further reflection, it seems that it would probably hurt you much more than your husband. I think you would feel guilt, and even shame for giving him hope. My advice would be to kick the divorce into high gear. Implement your exit plan posthaste. You've got all the bases covered. Legal, financial, where to live, etc...You mentioned before that there are plenty of fish in the sea. I'm absolutely certain you will find one much better suited for you. Delay only drags things out, and that is not good for you, your husband, or anyone else around you. Both of you deserve to live lives that make you happy. |
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on May 5, 2017 15:58:24 GMT -5
Lyn, i am so very sorry for your loss x
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 5, 2017 16:42:49 GMT -5
If it were me I would exercise my right to be a counter refuser so he could see what rejection feels like but that's me. Bitter and spiteful and not the way I am naturally but sex with STBX would not have been satisfying anyway. No thank you! I agree bballgirl, counter refusing is very tempting. Truth be told, it doesn't feel very good though to be the counter-refuser. Â Makes me feel like a petty a**hole. I get that and we aren't that way. We are kind people but sometimes getting a taste of ones own medicine is a good thing. He's been feeding you petty a hole syrup for awhile. However the bottom line is you should do what you want and what you are comfortable with. Trust me I get it. After I announced the divorce on a Tuesday night STBX tried to reset me on a Friday night. Woke me up at 2 am kissing my arm I was naked in bed just the way I sleep, I told him to stop, he asked "why?", I told him I couldn't go there with him anymore, we talked and I agreed to go to counseling. One session. I knew it was a reset though whereas all the other years I was fooled. So he got a taste of his own medicine. He asked me "why?" - the irony! |
|
