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Post by orangepeel on May 5, 2017 17:01:59 GMT -5
It's a straight no. No debate.
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Post by nolongerlonely on May 5, 2017 17:13:48 GMT -5
Lyn, good girl, you are in control now, let him go screw the lock hole in the door ! So sorry about your dad but dont let him wriggle his way back where he shouldnt be. I live with a counter controller - one who says its me when its her. Its a curve ball. Fcuk that. Yours might be the same, dont allow the emotional blackmail to interfere with your decision making. Makes me sound like I am encouraging the split. Not at all. but if he doesnt respect you, dont go there. Enjoy your moment of power ! Go girl (in more ways than one)
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Post by Apocrypha on May 9, 2017 12:58:38 GMT -5
I danced back and forth on this a number of times, including post-separation.
I said, "Why not?" a few rare times when a bj was offered.
I found that I felt worse after, and a bit dirty, small, weak.
It felt like I'd just accepted charity from a peer.
I felt a bit confused and hurt.
I concluded that it was better to pick a lane and stick to it. What I was getting wasn't better than anything I could do myself, and I distrusted whatever I was participating in.
In the dating world, there are opportunities for casual sex of different kinds. What I realized, for me, was that the key thing I was looking for in any encounter or relationship, was that the two of us *mattered*. That's not an argument against casual sex - even sex with a stranger could feasibly still be satisfying if my participation in it mattered in one way or another. But sex, or no sex, that results in me feeling diminished and in less esteem - I learned to avoid that.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2017 13:16:02 GMT -5
Words are powerful, you called it "reset sex" which has all sorts of implications instead of just saying "sex" - so I think you answered your own question sex with him has strings attached.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2017 13:45:35 GMT -5
I found that reset sex wasn't really what I wanted. Two reasons:
1 - If I know it's reset sex, I know he doesn't really want me, he's just trying to appease me. See what Celt said above.
2 - It would be enough to get my body going again and make me want more - but then there wouldn't BE anymore for weeks or months. Advice to men in my life: don't even start up with me, if you're not going to continue. That's like giving me just enough water to prevent me from dying of dehydration, and then sending me back out in the desert again.
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 9, 2017 14:18:38 GMT -5
A toy will do a better job and still maintain boundaries. I second a lot of what has been said above - don't shred your cred; don't accept charity from a peer (or peon, in this case); don't fall for his offers when he has been drinking (you deserve hot sex from a person who wants you even when he is sober); and please - don't go for sex that has strings attached. Extricating can be difficult and allowing anything like reset sex at this point will most likely muddy upcoming negotiations and discussions.
Pick a lane and stick with it.
If you need "sex with a stranger" pick someone from Tinder. And use a condom. Or something - someone - ANYONE else.
I'm sorry about your loss of Dad and the coincidental timing - that doesn't help keep our thinking straight, either. Grieve your dad in whatever way is right for you but I don't believe screwing the refuser is a good idea. Some other warm body would make themselves available if you really need just some physical contact.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2017 22:43:48 GMT -5
A toy will do a better job and still your cred; don't accept charity from a peer (or peon, in this case); don't fall for his offers when he has been drinking (you deserve hot sex from a person who wants you even when he is sober); and please - don't go for sex that has strings attached. Extricating can be difficult and allowing anything like reset sex at this point will most likely muddy upcoming negotiations and discussions. Pick a lane and stick with it. If you need "sex with a stranger" pick someone from Tinder. And use a condom. Or something - someone - ANYONE else. I'm sorry about your loss of Dad and the coincidental timing - that doesn't help keep our thinking straight, either. Grieve your dad in whatever way is right for you but I don't believe screwing the refuser is a good idea. Some other warm body would make themselves available if you really need just some physical contact. One kj |
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Post by lyn on May 10, 2017 11:53:19 GMT -5
A toy will do a better job and still maintain boundaries. I second a lot of what has been said above - don't shred your cred; don't accept charity from a peer (or peon, in this case); don't fall for his offers when he has been drinking (you deserve hot sex from a person who wants you even when he is sober); and please - don't go for sex that has strings attached. Extricating can be difficult and allowing anything like reset sex at this point will most likely muddy upcoming negotiations and discussions. Pick a lane and stick with it. If you need "sex with a stranger" pick someone from Tinder. And use a condom. Or something - someone - ANYONE else. I'm sorry about your loss of Dad and the coincidental timing - that doesn't help keep our thinking straight, either. Grieve your dad in whatever way is right for you but I don't believe screwing the refuser is a good idea. Some other warm body would make themselves available if you really need just some physical contact. thanks GG - There will be NO reset sex or any other type of sex with my H. It would a) be a mistake, b) be really crappy sex, c) make me feel worse than I already do. I'll be out soon enough - that doesn't mean I'll go sleep with the first guy I see by any means. Cannot wait for the air around me to not be laden with passive rejection and refusal. No matter the "reset attempts" - the air is still clouded by the past 11 years. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 10, 2017 12:17:03 GMT -5
I did go sleep with the first man who offered. Thank goddess that was Loverman! But - I did get some broken heart chapters in the deal. Still - I don't regret a second of the skin to skin times we had together. And - we are still friends too. So, not a loss at all.
Stay true to yourself! You'll be out in the world soon enough, so hang onto your standards meantime.
Sending good vibes your way, friend!
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Post by WindSister on May 10, 2017 12:33:50 GMT -5
The "uncoupling" is unique to each couple. Sometimes it involves sex I hear. (certainly not in my case) I know it did for my husband and his ex (puke - I hate thinking about that).
Good luck to you -- start that new story!
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Post by lyn on May 10, 2017 12:54:16 GMT -5
I did go sleep with the first man who offered. Thank goddess that was Loverman! But - I did get some broken heart chapters in the deal. Still - I don't regret a second of the skin to skin times we had together. And - we are still friends too. So, not a loss at all. Stay true to yourself! You'll be out in the world soon enough, so hang onto your standards meantime. Sending good vibes your way, friend! Thank you honey! I so appreciate your words of wisdom and periodic "talking down off of the ledge".  |
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Post by lyn on May 10, 2017 12:57:00 GMT -5
The "uncoupling" is unique to each couple. Sometimes it involves sex I hear. (certainly not in my case) I know it did for my husband and his ex (puke - I hate thinking about that). Good luck to you -- start that new story! Thanks WindSister - that is what I'm working on - my new story. The synopsis is ready, now just need to fill in the chapters (I suspect one day you won't care or give a passing thought to anything about your husband and his ex - but I know its hard to let that stuff out of your head for good) |
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Post by WindSister on May 10, 2017 13:08:38 GMT -5
The "uncoupling" is unique to each couple. Sometimes it involves sex I hear. (certainly not in my case) I know it did for my husband and his ex (puke - I hate thinking about that). Good luck to you -- start that new story! Thanks WindSister - that is what I'm working on - my new story. The synopsis is ready, now just need to fill in the chapters (I suspect one day you won't care or give a passing thought to anything about your husband and his ex - but I know its hard to let that stuff out of your head for good) It is, as you all see from my struggles here - ha. But, getting better and better. I get kinda ruffled up whenever I hear of exes getting back together thinking of my husband. I get defensive -- there is no good in going "back" --- forward, ever-forward! |
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Post by sweetplumeria on May 12, 2017 1:28:50 GMT -5
Well unless the reset sex is mind altering it may concrete in your mind to leave.
He is your husband and lover. While he doesnt have sex as often as you like, whats the pattern? You pull away, he feels it, he re-engages you with sex, typically at this point you flop to the hopefull position and he goes back to status quo?
If this is remotely your case, how long do you stay hopeful for. Thats your gamble. You might lise ground for that much time until your wits return you to this place you have arrived at numerous times (i assume your like me, sorry).
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Post by sweetplumeria on May 12, 2017 1:45:58 GMT -5
I think I am becoming a cynical bitch. I am reading through the posts and I dont get why anyone wants lyn to be kind or compassionate to her husband. Sex or no sex.
And Lyn, why isnt it ok to be an A-hole? Infact, if there was ever going to be a time when someone is an A-hole to the spouse in a SM why cant it be at the point where you put uour foot down and say "I am not doing this anymore"
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