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Post by McRoomMate on May 2, 2017 3:52:16 GMT -5
Well, now it looks like separation and divorce is the option. My W (STBX now) agreed to end it once and for all. So I felt a massive feeling of elation for a few days and now I feel guilty - like it is "my fault". We have had a disfunctional marriage and SM for several years and the writing is on the wall. Still I was raised Catholic and I just love to feel guilty about anything. So what was your experience in getting divorce? Did feelings of guilt pop up - regardless of how objective the reasons were? Excellent article on Divorce and Guilt www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-covy/is-divorce-guilt-getting-you-down_b_8433984.html |
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Post by bballgirl on May 2, 2017 6:17:43 GMT -5
No guilt for me here. He didn't care I was celibate for 13 years despite the fact that he knows I like sex. I'm not going to feel guilty for ending my neglect and being in an abusive unhappy relationship.
It wasn't a marriage. I'm not going to accept a facade of a relationship for myself. I want the whole shebang!
I recommend when you get your own place you don't rush into any relationship. Hookup yes! Have some fun! Find yourself and what you want for yourself. I'm a year out - no relationship and I'm just fine!
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Post by baza on May 2, 2017 7:27:02 GMT -5
@mcroommate
You can look forward to moments of elation - and depression.
You'll experience moments of guilt - and justification.
You can expect moments of happiness - and sadness.
Moments of surety that you've done the right thing - and the wrong thing.
Clarity - and foggyheadedness. Those two you can also expect.
You'll have moments of ownership - and of victim.
Moments to think ahead - and moments when you look backward.
Name your emotion - - - and you'll feel it - and its' opposite
And lucky you gets the gig of sorting this shit out.
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Post by WindSister on May 2, 2017 8:37:44 GMT -5
This is all part of the journey as Baz said.
For me I still get feelings of guilt sometimes when I think of his family thinking I just up and left him. But they don't know all the truths. We didn't have kids so I imagine the feelings are intensified for you.
Just try to breathe through them, feel the feelings, but breathe before reacting because you can't "fix" anything. If she thinks it's all your fault, if her family thinks it is all your fault, doesn't matter. You can't fix what they (or anyone) thinks to your favor so try not to focus on that stuff. Just keep walking....
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Post by cagedtiger on May 2, 2017 12:35:19 GMT -5
Wait, what? When did this shift happen? Just trying to do in the blanks here.
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Post by shamwow on May 5, 2017 15:41:31 GMT -5
@mcroommate You can look forward to moments of elation - and depression. You'll experience moments of guilt - and justification. You can expect moments of happiness - and sadness. Moments of surety that you've done the right thing - and the wrong thing. Clarity - and foggyheadedness. Those two you can also expect. You'll have moments of ownership - and of victim. Moments to think ahead - and moments when you look backward. Name your emotion - - - and you'll feel it - and its' opposite And lucky you gets the gig of sorting this shit out. When I read the divorce petition in print the first time, I felt so many completely conflicting emotions. Not in sequence, but all AT THE SAME TIME. I've got a minimum of 52 days before the divorce can be finalized so I'm certain the ride isn't over. |
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Post by montyray on May 7, 2017 23:48:12 GMT -5
Yes and still do sometimes. Trying to get on with my life now and forget about the past. As one woman told me, it does not matter what you did yesterday or last year, only look to today and the future.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2017 13:12:29 GMT -5
Sometimes, I am still tempted to feel guilty.
My STBX's parents are both dead, and only one of her brothers will talk to her, and then only when he wants money. She has no close friends because she is not capable of listening. Basically, she has no one but my daughters.
But then I remind myself that she made the decision to ruin all of her relationships. If she had cultivated relationships with her family, friends, and me, she would have a lot of people in her life. But since she has abused most people close to her, they have no interest in her. It is sad, but she made the choice, not me.
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Post by shamwow on May 8, 2017 14:25:00 GMT -5
Sometimes, I am still tempted to feel guilty. My STBX's parents are both dead, and only one of her brothers will talk to her, and then only when he wants money. She has no close friends because she is not capable of listening. Basically, she has no one but my daughters. But then I remind myself that she made the decision to ruin all of her relationships. If she had cultivated relationships with her family, friends, and me, she would have a lot of people in her life. But since she has abused most people close to her, they have no interest in her. It is sad, but she made the choice, not me. I'm fortunate that my STBX is at heart a good person. She will have a strong support network of friends and family to help her out. Of course, with the kids, for the next 5 years she will also be able to add me in that number so long as we keep things amicable. If she needs something fixed around the house or help with anything non-monetary (she is going to be getting a little over 22k in child support annual, so I'll be doing my part there), I'll be there to help. But the key here is that she has not alienated everyone around her like your STBX. That makes all the difference. |
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Post by dinnaken on May 8, 2017 15:24:36 GMT -5
It's a good question McRoomMate,
Last week I met two friends of my STBX, they were a bit surprised but I just carried on as normal and any embarrassment passed; of course it did I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
Could I have done differently - of course but ' to err is human' and I am only too human!
At every step I did the best I could, within the constraints of my personality and within the limits of the information that I had to hand.
I have moments of regret and sadness and excitement and melancholy - plenty of them
For me the key point is to learn from those errors of judgement, those 'sins' of commission and omission and make sure that I don't allow those patterns to repeat themselves in future.
So, sorry - yes regretful - yes excited - yes but guilty - NO
Not at all
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Post by McRoomMate on May 10, 2017 9:35:18 GMT -5
It's a good question McRoomMate, Last week I met two friends of my STBX, they were a bit surprised but I just carried on as normal and any embarrassment passed; of course it did I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Could I have done differently - of course but ' to err is human' and I am only too human! At every step I did the best I could, within the constraints of my personality and within the limits of the information that I had to hand. I have moments of regret and sadness and excitement and melancholy - plenty of them For me the key point is to learn from those errors of judgement, those 'sins' of commission and omission and make sure that I don't allow those patterns to repeat themselves in future. So, sorry - yes regretful - yes excited - yes but guilty - NO Not at all Well said. Being raised in the Catholic Church (deep deep deeply ingrained) - I have a natural deeply rooted propensity that it is always "MY FAULT" (Guilty the day I was born so guilty) - So good to hear your perspective very good. |
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qqc
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Post by qqc on May 12, 2017 12:43:00 GMT -5
Nope. Left my sexless marriage for an AP nearly 3 years ago (who I am still with), and can't ever get over it. Probably partly because my husband (we haven't even gotten a divorce) can't let go and constantly for 3 years has been trying to convince me to come back and try again. We had no sex life from well before we got married, as he was really not interested in sex, but now is all in on fixing the issues. I still love him and we can have a lot of fun together, but I'm not attracted to or able to conjure any desire to even attempt sex with him anymore. The worst part is I think I am going to go back anyway because I can't stand the guilt anymore.
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Post by dinnaken on May 12, 2017 16:02:08 GMT -5
Hi QQC,
Pleased to meet you but I'm sorry it's here.
I'm puzzled; guilt over what? Guilt for leaving someone who wouldn't have sex with you? Guilt for leaving someone you don't find attractive anymore? Guilt for leaving someone, a supposed life partner, who didn't want to have sex with you and who, as a consequence (presumably), you don't want to have sex with anymore?
Guilt for being with someone, who in contrast you presumably have sex with and enjoy being with?
He want's to fix things but for who?
Guilt is appropriate, in its place, but it that place your situation?
I apologise if this is intrusive, I have a problem with guilt (it's a reaction to religion thing...) and I've had one too many glasses of wine after a bad day at work!
Best wishes
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qqc
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Post by qqc on May 12, 2017 18:50:08 GMT -5
Hi QQC, Pleased to meet you but I'm sorry it's here. I'm puzzled; guilt over what? Guilt for leaving someone who wouldn't have sex with you? Guilt for leaving someone you don't find attractive anymore? Guilt for leaving someone, a supposed life partner, who didn't want to have sex with you and who, as a consequence (presumably), you don't want to have sex with anymore? Guilt for being with someone, who in contrast you presumably have sex with and enjoy being with? He want's to fix things but for who? Guilt is appropriate, in its place, but it that place your situation? I apologise if this is intrusive, I have a problem with guilt (it's a reaction to religion thing...) and I've had one too many glasses of wine after a bad day at work! Best wishes I realize that they sound ridiculous when you put them in writing, but almost all of the above. I feel guilty for having an affair, guilty that I didn't try harder, guilty that he's so miserable. He's very obsessive by nature, and also very convincing verbally. He continues to tell me I've obviously never been happy in my other relationship because otherwise why do I keep having contact with him and keep considering coming back. We still get along very well, but like brother and sister. But my inability to say no to him has eroded my other relationship as well so often I end up feeling like there's just no hope for ever moving on and I may as well give in and try again. Although I also feel like some of the motivation for that is to prove to him again that it still doesn't work and maybe then we can move on. It's all very confusing. Bottom line is getting married to someone you don't have a good physical relationship with from the get go is like suicide. |
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Post by dinnaken on May 12, 2017 22:40:09 GMT -5
Hi QQC,
Thanks you for explaining things and, as to your bottom line, I couldn't agree more; I found myself in the same situation.
I feel for you in the situation that you're in, both you and your AP.
Reading your response, it sounds to me that your ex is very controlling and can't let go. He's obsessive and won't let you go, although you were unhappy enough in the marriage to leave him.
On his part, is it about passion or is it about control? Is his bottom line all about caring for you as a person or is it just all him and about his 'winning'?
He might be verbally persuasive but that doesn't make him right. It makes him persuasive, that's all.
His behaviour is his responsibility, not yours.
I'm sure it is confusing, it's been said many times "Bullshit Baffles Brains". If your self-confidence and self-esteem have been eroded far enough, thinking straight becomes a real problem.
All the things you say in your second post will ring true with lots and lots of people here. I would urge you to do two things:
- Start a thread of your own in the Sexless Marriage forum; you could just re-post your second post here. I think you will get loads of support and advice from people in similar situations and I think you deserve it.
- Read some of the posts here before you seriously consider going back. You may well prove that the marriage doesn't work but I'd say that if my spouse had walked out, I'd have taken that as a very strong hint that it wasn't working in the first place...
The real concern is that you may find that in going back you become trapped and unable to get out a second time.
Remember the acronym FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt - those three emotions have trapped more than a few of us here
All the best and please keep posting
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