kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 16, 2017 21:04:44 GMT -5
Well said. Being raised in the Catholic Church (deep deep deeply ingrained) - I have a natural deeply rooted propensity that it is always "MY FAULT" (Guilty the day I was born so guilty) - So good to hear your perspective very good. I needed to read this! Same with all those feelings of guilt and shame and how everything is my fault. |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 17, 2017 1:51:20 GMT -5
No problem. I feel like I must have one of the most complicated back stories of anyone here. Well I think I am just behind you. So I just left my W after many years of SM (honestly I am not sure who is the refuser as there just was minimal interest from either of us) and now I am with my New Lady - we have been together now for almost 6 months and living in an apartment. I feel guilty and miss my children and even my Wife and wonder what I could have done different etc etc. I am not sure she would take me back at this point. I think she is in process of "moving on." I do not know what to do either. I am just doing the next thing in front of me . . . no "instruction manuel" for this. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 17, 2017 2:46:40 GMT -5
No problem. I feel like I must have one of the most complicated back stories of anyone here. Well I think I am just behind you. So I just left my W after many years of SM (honestly I am not sure who is the refuser as there just was minimal interest from either of us) and now I am with my New Lady - we have been together now for almost 6 months and living in an apartment. I feel guilty and miss my children and even my Wife and wonder what I could have done different etc etc. I am not sure she would take me back at this point. I think she is in process of "moving on." I do not know what to do either. I am just doing the next thing in front of me . . . no "instruction manuel" for this. Should I be confused by this post? Have I got the wrong person or did you not say you split up with your paramour and were enthusiastically wanting to give your marriage another go? |
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 17, 2017 3:06:18 GMT -5
Well I think I am just behind you. So I just left my W after many years of SM (honestly I am not sure who is the refuser as there just was minimal interest from either of us) and now I am with my New Lady - we have been together now for almost 6 months and living in an apartment. I feel guilty and miss my children and even my Wife and wonder what I could have done different etc etc. I am not sure she would take me back at this point. I think she is in process of "moving on." I do not know what to do either. I am just doing the next thing in front of me . . . no "instruction manuel" for this. Should I be confused by this post? Can't just be me....Have I got the wrong person or did you not say on March 29th that you were moving out by agreement of W and on the 26th of April that you split up with your paramour a week before and were enthusiastically wanting to give your marriage another go? |
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 17, 2017 3:46:40 GMT -5
Well, now it looks like separation and divorce is the option. My W (STBX now) agreed to end it once and for all. So I felt a massive feeling of elation for a few days and now I feel guilty - like it is "my fault". We have had a disfunctional marriage and SM for several years and the writing is on the wall. Still I was raised Catholic and I just love to feel guilty about anything. So what was your experience in getting divorce? Did feelings of guilt pop up - regardless of how objective the reasons were? Excellent article on Divorce and Guilt www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-covy/is-divorce-guilt-getting-you-down_b_8433984.htmlI thought you were already separated. On 19th april you were " lying lonely in your apartment " having " just" left. |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 17, 2017 4:13:06 GMT -5
Well, now it looks like separation and divorce is the option. My W (STBX now) agreed to end it once and for all. So I felt a massive feeling of elation for a few days and now I feel guilty - like it is "my fault". We have had a disfunctional marriage and SM for several years and the writing is on the wall. Still I was raised Catholic and I just love to feel guilty about anything. So what was your experience in getting divorce? Did feelings of guilt pop up - regardless of how objective the reasons were? Excellent article on Divorce and Guilt www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-covy/is-divorce-guilt-getting-you-down_b_8433984.htmlI thought you were already separated. On 19th april you were " lying lonely in your apartment " having " just" left. Yes correct but now it is different. going on a month now. |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 17, 2017 4:13:46 GMT -5
Should I be confused by this post? Can't just be me....Have I got the wrong person or did you not say on March 29th that you were moving out by agreement of W and on the 26th of April that you split up with your paramour a week before and were enthusiastically wanting to give your marriage another go? That lasted not even 3 days and I got the boot with "FINAL" decision by W to end it. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 17, 2017 4:32:46 GMT -5
That lasted not even 3 days and I got the boot with "FINAL" decision by W to end it. But you said this current one has been going on 6 months and you are living together in your reply today...did she not go back to her billionaire, drug dealing bf? |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 17, 2017 5:44:39 GMT -5
That lasted not even 3 days and I got the boot with "FINAL" decision by W to end it. But you said this current one has been going on 6 months and you are living together in your reply today...did she not go back to her billionaire, drug dealing bf? Her Ex comes from a rich family and is an addict - no that did not last. |
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Post by becca on May 17, 2017 8:13:05 GMT -5
Nope. Left my sexless marriage for an AP nearly 3 years ago (who I am still with), and can't ever get over it. Probably partly because my husband (we haven't even gotten a divorce) can't let go and constantly for 3 years has been trying to convince me to come back and try again. We had no sex life from well before we got married, as he was really not interested in sex, but now is all in on fixing the issues. I still love him and we can have a lot of fun together, but I'm not attracted to or able to conjure any desire to even attempt sex with him anymore. The worst part is I think I am going to go back anyway because I can't stand the guilt anymore. QQC, I have such similar emotions but I encourage you to not go back due to guilt. What is healthy for you? YOU? Not your current boyfriend. Not your husband. You. Maybe it will take finalizing the divorce and them some time but if you enjoy his company, perhaps there will come a time when you can maintain a civil friendship. It sounds like you are trying to move on but he isn't. He wants what is familiar and what he has known. And I am sure he loves you in his own way but not as a genuine life partner and lover. He clearly isn't looking out for your best interests. He is selfishly wanting what he wants. Period. Have you discussed your feelings with your boyfriend? You have lived with him for 3 years but are still drawn back to your husband, even if just for guilt. Maybe he isn't the right one for you either? I can't know your heart but maybe you need to really dig deep and see if this man is worthy of your body, heart and soul. That could be some of the reason you are still not letting completely go of H. Perhaps his role was to give you the strength to walk away from your SM and he did it wonderfully but now it is time to stand on your own two feet. I am not telling you anything that I don't need to hear again and again. I am only about 7 months into the separation but my H keeps pulling me back in (visits, not sex) partly due to guilt and partly because I just worry about him. Our children no longer talk to him and that breaks my heart for him and for them. He also has pushed a lot of his close friends and even his family away with the drinking the past few years. And I feel so guilty about all of it because one, at the heart of it, he is a good person. And two, I can't help but think I could have done something differently and helped him. And finally, my parents, both deceased, would be disappointed that I didn't follow "'til death do us part". Oy! |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 17, 2017 16:16:35 GMT -5
Nope. Left my sexless marriage for an AP nearly 3 years ago (who I am still with), and can't ever get over it. Probably partly because my husband (we haven't even gotten a divorce) can't let go and constantly for 3 years has been trying to convince me to come back and try again. We had no sex life from well before we got married, as he was really not interested in sex, but now is all in on fixing the issues. I still love him and we can have a lot of fun together, but I'm not attracted to or able to conjure any desire to even attempt sex with him anymore. The worst part is I think I am going to go back anyway because I can't stand the guilt anymore. QQC, I have such similar emotions but I encourage you to not go back due to guilt. What is healthy for you? YOU? Not your current boyfriend. Not your husband. You. Maybe it will take finalizing the divorce and them some time but if you enjoy his company, perhaps there will come a time when you can maintain a civil friendship. It sounds like you are trying to move on but he isn't. He wants what is familiar and what he has known. And I am sure he loves you in his own way but not as a genuine life partner and lover. He clearly isn't looking out for your best interests. He is selfishly wanting what he wants. Period. Have you discussed your feelings with your boyfriend? You have lived with him for 3 years but are still drawn back to your husband, even if just for guilt. Maybe he isn't the right one for you either? I can't know your heart but maybe you need to really dig deep and see if this man is worthy of your body, heart and soul. That could be some of the reason you are still not letting completely go of H. Perhaps his role was to give you the strength to walk away from your SM and he did it wonderfully but now it is time to stand on your own two feet. I am not telling you anything that I don't need to hear again and again. I am only about 7 months into the separation but my H keeps pulling me back in (visits, not sex) partly due to guilt and partly because I just worry about him. Our children no longer talk to him and that breaks my heart for him and for them. He also has pushed a lot of his close friends and even his family away with the drinking the past few years. And I feel so guilty about all of it because one, at the heart of it, he is a good person. And two, I can't help but think I could have done something differently and helped him. And finally, my parents, both deceased, would be disappointed that I didn't follow "'til death do us part". Oy! I am in the RIGHT PLACE - reading both your posts - it is just all too autobiographical for me. I can relate so so much. Go this way / go that way - Which way to go? What about I sit and focus on doing nothing. Oh yes, the HORROR - Me? Alone? Time alone to work on myself and not rushing into the next relationship. Seriously, that scares the living S--T out of me . . . but maybe just maybe. Hmm . . . |
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