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Post by McRoomMate on May 13, 2017 5:28:18 GMT -5
Nope. Left my sexless marriage for an AP nearly 3 years ago (who I am still with), and can't ever get over it. Probably partly because my husband (we haven't even gotten a divorce) can't let go and constantly for 3 years has been trying to convince me to come back and try again. We had no sex life from well before we got married, as he was really not interested in sex, but now is all in on fixing the issues. I still love him and we can have a lot of fun together, but I'm not attracted to or able to conjure any desire to even attempt sex with him anymore. The worst part is I think I am going to go back anyway because I can't stand the guilt anymore. Thank-you qqc You are NOT alone and I offer you a most hearty WELCOME ! ! ! Yes, I am dealing with the Guilt . . . and the "What ifs" and "If only I had" and "And this time I can do that differently" etc etc. The short of it, is my W and I tried to "reset" the marriage and "our couple" but said No More when she saw I was not 100% where she wanted me in terms of affection and love etc. So I think it is definitively over . . . Your situation seems quite complicated. Your H wants you back even after 3 years of being with your new man and you still Love him. On the other hand you are not attracted to him. Gosh, that sounds a bit like my case. The attraction was way down for my W. From my readings and looking into my own heart, I am not sure if "Guilt" alone would do anything and should not be the ONLY reason to go back. Then you see all the statistics and how once an SM it is always an SM and with it all the problems. I hope things go well. Be careful and there are so many many posts and experience and wisdom in these groups to bounce ideas and experiences around. Still, yes true so true, at the end of the day: only each of us own our own decisions and actions. Welcome !!! |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 13, 2017 5:31:56 GMT -5
Hi QQC, Thanks you for explaining things and, as to your bottom line, I couldn't agree more; I found myself in the same situation. I feel for you in the situation that you're in, both you and your AP. Reading your response, it sounds to me that your ex is very controlling and can't let go. He's obsessive and won't let you go, although you were unhappy enough in the marriage to leave him. On his part, is it about passion or is it about control? Is his bottom line all about caring for you as a person or is it just all him and about his 'winning'? He might be verbally persuasive but that doesn't make him right. It makes him persuasive, that's all. His behaviour is his responsibility, not yours. I'm sure it is confusing, it's been said many times "Bullshit Baffles Brains". If your self-confidence and self-esteem have been eroded far enough, thinking straight becomes a real problem. All the things you say in your second post will ring true with lots and lots of people here. I would urge you to do two things: - Start a thread of your own in the Sexless Marriage forum; you could just re-post your second post here. I think you will get loads of support and advice from people in similar situations and I think you deserve it. - Read some of the posts here before you seriously consider going back. You may well prove that the marriage doesn't work but I'd say that if my spouse had walked out, I'd have taken that as a very strong hint that it wasn't working in the first place... The real concern is that you may find that in going back you become trapped and unable to get out a second time. Remember the acronym FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt - those three emotions have trapped more than a few of us here All the best and please keep posting Well said - F.O.G. indeed oh man that shit is powerful. Very well said it rings loudly per my experience. I just thought of something. There is the "Fog of War" but here we are dealing with the "F.O.G. of Divorce" |
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Post by qqc on May 13, 2017 8:45:31 GMT -5
You may well prove that the marriage doesn't work but I'd say that if my spouse had walked out, I'd have taken that as a very strong hint that it wasn't working in the first place... The real concern is that you may find that in going back you become trapped and unable to get out a second time. This is indeed my fear. My/our therapist has told me she promises she will get me out if it isn't working but idk. The only reason I left the first time is because he found out about the affair and told me to leave (which he promptly reversed on). Obviously the other problem is this entails completely burning the bridge with my AP/boyfriend and having no contact |
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Post by qqc on May 13, 2017 8:56:35 GMT -5
As for whether it's about actual caring or winning for him, I think maybe both. He grew up extremely spoiled and well off financially, and think basically nobody has ever told him no to anything before. Again he also likely is OCD. He also knows my AP and believes he's a terrible person
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Post by dinnaken on May 13, 2017 17:05:11 GMT -5
Hi QQC,
Thanks for posting.
I'm glad that both you and your therapist are aware of the risks. As you say, going back to your husband would mean the end of the relationship with your AP.
That choice can only be yours to make, after you've weighed up the likely benefits and losses.
In your last post you seem to be explaining away your husband's behaviour. These aspects of his personality are for him to deal with. He has to deal with them and he alone; you can't add them to whatever burdens you carry.
It's not surprising that he has a poor opinion of your AP but is that relevant to your relationship with your AP?
For example, I have a friend who I think is being exploited by his wife, I don't think it's a healthy relationship but what I think counts for zip; she makes him happy and that's what matters to him.
Best wishes
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Post by qqc on May 13, 2017 18:58:13 GMT -5
I think I was more referring to his opinion of my AP (which goes past just that he "stole" or in his opinion somehow corrupted/manipulated his wife) as being part of the "win" mentality.
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Post by dinnaken on May 14, 2017 1:20:32 GMT -5
Hi QQC,
Yes, I can see what you mean
All the best
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Post by nolongerlonely on May 14, 2017 1:55:54 GMT -5
The point qqc made earlier in this thread sums everything up ''entering a sexless marriage is like committing suicide'' - I have never analysed if like that but thats exactly what its like. (thank you qqc).
I think we feel guilt for a number of reasons. Not least of all because it still puzzles us why our partners seem to exist quite happily with no physical relationship - we are the ones feeling the need for change, hence where the feeling of guilt comes from.
Our non-giving / refusing partners all seem to then rely on various levels of control in order to keep us close. This of course has the opposite effect, especially on our minds. We stray in our minds long before we do with our bodies. It gives us the feeling of guilt. But we are the ones who have been delivered the injustice, those contradictory marriage vows have alot to answer from this, 'with my body I give to you' (I've probably got that slightly wrong but you get the drift). Well I'm pretty certain if I had known I was entering into a 'sexless wasteland', I would never had said yes, because for me the basic fabric of any loving relationship revolves around the physical side, touching, holding, kissing, and everything that progresses from that point on.
So, I get it completely, the guilt I mean. I hate living in my 'world', need to engineer change. Ironic really, because at the core of this decision is the lack of sex. But as time has gone on, I've realised I no longer have the love for that person that I once did have, its all gone.
I'd like to say dont feel guilt. But I think its better to say, dont allow yourself to believe this is your fault. The guilt comes from care, and worry perhaps, about your 'Ex' getting on with his or her life without you. And the other thing, dont go back, its still going to be the same or worse road to emotional or physical suicide.
Just writing this, has further convinced me I need to be gone from where I am in order to avoid yet further sadness and deterioration of my inner being. But sometimes I even feel guilty, just writing a post on here. Like I am some betrayer of trust. But everything I have said is true, and reading the experiences of others here has helped me to at least start the disappearance process. Now all I need to do is figure out how its going to happen
I'd make a lousy therapist
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Post by unmatched on May 14, 2017 19:30:40 GMT -5
Hi QQC, Pleased to meet you but I'm sorry it's here. I'm puzzled; guilt over what? Guilt for leaving someone who wouldn't have sex with you? Guilt for leaving someone you don't find attractive anymore? Guilt for leaving someone, a supposed life partner, who didn't want to have sex with you and who, as a consequence (presumably), you don't want to have sex with anymore? Guilt for being with someone, who in contrast you presumably have sex with and enjoy being with? He want's to fix things but for who? Guilt is appropriate, in its place, but it that place your situation? I apologise if this is intrusive, I have a problem with guilt (it's a reaction to religion thing...) and I've had one too many glasses of wine after a bad day at work! Best wishes I realize that they sound ridiculous when you put them in writing, but almost all of the above. I feel guilty for having an affair, guilty that I didn't try harder, guilty that he's so miserable. He's very obsessive by nature, and also very convincing verbally. He continues to tell me I've obviously never been happy in my other relationship because otherwise why do I keep having contact with him and keep considering coming back. We still get along very well, but like brother and sister. But my inability to say no to him has eroded my other relationship as well so often I end up feeling like there's just no hope for ever moving on and I may as well give in and try again. Although I also feel like some of the motivation for that is to prove to him again that it still doesn't work and maybe then we can move on. It's all very confusing. Bottom line is getting married to someone you don't have a good physical relationship with from the get go is like suicide. how would it feel to be on your own for a while? It is very hard to make good decisions about relationships if underlying your whole decision-making process is a fear of letting go of what you have and stepping out on your own to find a new future. |
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Post by qqc on May 16, 2017 11:55:23 GMT -5
Yeah a lot of people have told me to just go be alone. I am def afraid to lose my AP. But I don't know that either staying with him or being alone will ever resolve the cycle with my husband. Feel quite defeated
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Post by bballgirl on May 16, 2017 12:00:31 GMT -5
The point qqc made earlier in this thread sums everything up ''entering a sexless marriage is like committing suicide'' - I have never analysed if like that but thats exactly what its like. (thank you qqc). I think we feel guilt for a number of reasons. Not least of all because it still puzzles us why our partners seem to exist quite happily with no physical relationship - we are the ones feeling the need for change, hence where the feeling of guilt comes from. Our non-giving / refusing partners all seem to then rely on various levels of control in order to keep us close. This of course has the opposite effect, especially on our minds. We stray in our minds long before we do with our bodies. It gives us the feeling of guilt. But we are the ones who have been delivered the injustice, those contradictory marriage vows have alot to answer from this, 'with my body I give to you' (I've probably got that slightly wrong but you get the drift). Well I'm pretty certain if I had known I was entering into a 'sexless wasteland', I would never had said yes, because for me the basic fabric of any loving relationship revolves around the physical side, touching, holding, kissing, and everything that progresses from that point on. So, I get it completely, the guilt I mean. I hate living in my 'world', need to engineer change. Ironic really, because at the core of this decision is the lack of sex. But as time has gone on, I've realised I no longer have the love for that person that I once did have, its all gone. I'd like to say dont feel guilt. But I think its better to say, dont allow yourself to believe this is your fault. The guilt comes from care, and worry perhaps, about your 'Ex' getting on with his or her life without you. And the other thing, dont go back, its still going to be the same or worse road to emotional or physical suicide. Just writing this, has further convinced me I need to be gone from where I am in order to avoid yet further sadness and deterioration of my inner being. But sometimes I even feel guilty, just writing a post on here. Like I am some betrayer of trust. But everything I have said is true, and reading the experiences of others here has helped me to at least start the disappearance process. Now all I need to do is figure out how its going to happen I'd make a lousy therapist Yes and why do they get to be happy but we don't? Don't we deserve to be happy? |
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Post by bballgirl on May 16, 2017 12:03:38 GMT -5
Yeah a lot of people have told me to just go be alone. I am def afraid to lose my AP. But I don't know that either staying with him or being alone will ever resolve the cycle with my husband. Feel quite defeated He's just an AP. There are thousands of cocks out there! It's not too difficult for a woman to find sex. Focus on yourself and what makes YOUR life happy. |
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Post by qqc on May 16, 2017 13:23:30 GMT -5
Yeah a lot of people have told me to just go be alone. I am def afraid to lose my AP. But I don't know that either staying with him or being alone will ever resolve the cycle with my husband. Feel quite defeated He's just an AP. There are thousands of cocks out there! It's not too difficult for a woman to find sex. Focus on yourself and what makes YOUR life happy. Well except he's really my boyfriend who I love and who I've been living with for almost 3 years |
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Post by bballgirl on May 16, 2017 13:27:26 GMT -5
He's just an AP. There are thousands of cocks out there! It's not too difficult for a woman to find sex. Focus on yourself and what makes YOUR life happy. Well except he's really my boyfriend who I've been living with for almost 3 years Ok gotcha, that's different sorry if that was in your backstory and I didn't catch it. But I stand by living the life that makes you happy and guilt is not a reason to return to a SM. Honestly if you were fortunate enough to escape the hell of a SM don't go back. Which man makes you happier? Which man treats you the way you deserve and makes you feel loved? The answer to that is where you belong. |
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Post by qqc on May 16, 2017 14:00:00 GMT -5
No problem. I feel like I must have one of the most complicated back stories of anyone here.
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