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Post by h on May 2, 2017 16:41:23 GMT -5
My wife, I'm sure, thinks I'm cheating. I think she wants to think I'm cheating to get her off the hook. Depressingly, I'm not cheating. For the first several years of my marriage, my wife was constantly worried about that. Her parents both cheated on each other so she just assumed that was the way all marriages were. It took about 5 years for the insecurity and accusing to go away. Now she doesn't suspect anymore (and shouldn't because I haven't). It still stings though, that she actually thought I would do that even though I had never done or said anything remotely in that realm. |
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Post by itsjustus on May 2, 2017 16:59:21 GMT -5
So non-consensual non-monogamy is cheating. What is the unilateral imposition of celibacy called, then? If refused spouses who seek comfort get called "cheaters," I think refusers deserve a nasty name too. If I recall correctly, one of the most "liked" and commented on post at EP ILIASM was one that simply said "I wish that there was as much social stigma for refusing as there is for cheating" |
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on May 2, 2017 17:01:41 GMT -5
Interesting chart. Wait, I was supposed to get sex on birthdays?! Yeah, that describes it well. Yeah I noticed where the chart ended too. Also, I don't get birthday sex! What the frick? |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 2, 2017 17:03:17 GMT -5
So non-consensual non-monogamy is cheating. What is the unilateral imposition of celibacy called, then? If refused spouses who seek comfort get called "cheaters," I think refusers deserve a nasty name too. I totally agree. They are not for filling thier part of the vows. |
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Post by ted on May 2, 2017 17:36:27 GMT -5
If refused spouses who seek comfort get called "cheaters," I think refusers deserve a nasty name too. Is it unfair to call them "unfaithful?" I wonder why that term connotes they gave themselves to another, rather than simply denoting they failed to make good on their promises to their spouse. I thought they vowed to give something to us, not just to withhold it from everyone else. |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 2, 2017 17:42:00 GMT -5
It's like a breach of contact or promise.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2017 18:51:36 GMT -5
Actually if you look at the real definition of "cheating" it is deprive someone, to elude, influence and thwart them everything our spouses do. Used in the context of marriage it meaningless unless our actions are depriving our spouses of passion, intimacy and sex which it isn't. So who's cheating?
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Post by unmatched on May 2, 2017 18:54:51 GMT -5
Actually if you look at the real definition of "cheating" it is deprive someone, to elude, influence and thwart them everything our spouses do. Used in the context of marriage it meaningless unless our actions are depriving our spouses of passion, intimacy and sex which it isn't. So who's cheating? Ah but we would be depriving them of all those feelings of security and control which are so much more important to them than the passion ever was. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on May 2, 2017 19:20:46 GMT -5
How can it be "cheating" if there is no intimacy or sexual relationship in the marriage?
I believe that it is hypocritical, unreasonable, selfish, and cruel to deny your partner intimacy and sex and expect them to just deal with it.
A cheater is someone that has a trusting sexual relationship with their spouse but also has sexual encounters outside the marriage.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 2, 2017 20:09:28 GMT -5
How can it be "cheating" if there is no intimacy or sexual relationship in the marriage? I believe that it is hypocritical, unreasonable, selfish, and cruel to deny your partner intimacy and sex and expect them to just deal with it. A cheater is someone that has a trusting sexual relationship with their spouse but also has sexual encounters outside the marriage. Unfortunately, society thinks it is is that did something won't to make the refuser not want to have sex with us. What ever we do we are screwed......errr....not screwed, but screwed.....errr you know what I mean. |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 2, 2017 20:09:36 GMT -5
How can it be "cheating" if there is no intimacy or sexual relationship in the marriage? I believe that it is hypocritical, unreasonable, selfish, and cruel to deny your partner intimacy and sex and expect them to just deal with it. A cheater is someone that has a trusting sexual relationship with their spouse but also has sexual encounters outside the marriage. Unfortunately, society thinks it is is that did something won't to make the refuser not want to have sex with us. What ever we do we are screwed......errr....not screwed, but screwed.....errr you know what I mean. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 2, 2017 20:16:29 GMT -5
How can it be "cheating" if there is no intimacy or sexual relationship in the marriage? I believe that it is hypocritical, unreasonable, selfish, and cruel to deny your partner intimacy and sex and expect them to just deal with it. A cheater is someone that has a trusting sexual relationship with their spouse but also has sexual encounters outside the marriage. Unfortunately, society thinks it is is that did something won't to make the refuser not want to have sex with us. What ever we do we are screwed......errr....not screwed, but screwed.....errr you know what I mean. . And in blaming the refused, those like my wife are validated that they are in the right. Normal. Perfect as they are. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on May 2, 2017 20:51:01 GMT -5
My neighbor was in a bad sexless marriage. You could tell something wasn't right. She is 10 years younger than I am but looked older. She was overweight and frumpy. She walked as though she had cement shoes. She had sores on her face that never seemed to heal. She had a vague spaced out look. Talking to her was tedious. She was always making disastrous mistakes like leaving the garage door open all night after packing the van for a camping trip. Someone stole all their equipment.
We all noticed that she started looking better and lost weight. She was still a little spacey and didn't clear her browser history on the family computer. Her husband discovered her membership to a dating site. He called her work and discovered that she didn't actually have a part time job. She was meeting her lover. All hell broke loose.
We all knew there was a problem with the marriage but she was ostracized by her "best friends." They all took his side. That man is such a dud. He had no friendships in the neighborhood but she was the bad guy. I never liked him so I didn't get involved in the gossip.
I see her occasionally at hiking club meetings. She is a different person altogether. Getting out changed everything.
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Post by Dan on May 2, 2017 21:15:50 GMT -5
So non-consensual non-monogamy is cheating. What is the unilateral imposition of celibacy called, then? Well... it looks like you found a new bubble that belongs on that chart: a pink-colored bubble labeled "non-consensual celibacy". (Shall we label that bubble " Shithole"  )  If refused spouses who seek comfort get called "cheaters," I think refusers deserve a nasty name too. This has come up in the forum before: occasionally members have pointed out how pejorative the term "refuser" is. I kinda see that the point; both terms can be used in a very pointed "accusatory sense", and both terms can be used in a matter-of-fact labeling manner (non-accusatory sense). |
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Post by Dan on May 2, 2017 21:25:22 GMT -5
We all knew there was a problem with the marriage but she was ostracized by her "best friends." They all took his side. That man is such a dud. He had no friendships in the neighborhood but she was the bad guy. This behavior (of her "best friends" now ostracizing her) is just blatant selfishness: they were afraid if they green lighted her behavior, THEY might inadvertently encourage their own spouses to consider the same. Or show their hand that they are already fooling around themselves! Such a shame. |
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