When is it "cheating "

Good Question Carol,
I've been in the same situation - same length of time without sex and I too fell for another person. In my case I met her through work. I wrestled with this for a long time. In my case, I came to the conclusion that, even though nothing has happened between us, it was a form of cheating.

Google "Emotional affair" and see what you think.

However, I don't criticise myself for it (even though nothing physical has ever happened); it hasn't been a happy experience. I wasn't looking for it to happen, indeed, it caught me completely by surprise.

It just seems to me this falls under the category of "situational ethics". I believe most folks consider ethics to be behavior modeled on higher principles with a nobler end in mind. Normally we don't steal, but if your child was starving the stealing is wrong ethic would fall away pretty quickly. The same with killing. If you or a loved one was threatened with possible death would you stand by and allow it or would you terminate the threat "with extreme prejustice"? In the ethics of "cheating" realm one could ask one's self, if their love and affection isn't wanted or has been repeated throw away/discarded then how has the spouse been cheated? How many times does one go to the dumpster and retrieve these gifts to one's partner before it becomes OK to acknowledge they aren't appreciated or valued? If it has no value to one's spouse or partner and if it then goes some where else, how has the partner or spouse been cheated? In such a situation I would conclude that the standard for ethical behavior have been met, even exceeded, so the party or person who does not want or value the love or intimacy has not been cheated.

This may not be exactly what you are looking for, but I think cheating is when you are in a marriage and unilaterally decide that sex will no longer be part of the relationship.  Whatever happens after that is a result of the refuser's cheating.

Even in a FUNCTIONING marriage, there is no universally accepted definition of cheating. Some try to distinguish "physical affair" from "emotional affair", but even then the lines are grey, and which is "worse" is in the eye of the beholder. If a woman lusts after "another man" in the office, is it cheating? If a man on a business trip stops by the strip club and gets a lap dance, is it cheating?

Some husbands wouldn't care if their wife was in the former situation. Some wives wouldn't care if their husbands do the latter. BUT SOME WOULD.

And THAT I propose is the most important definition of "cheating" (in the case of a normal, functioning marriage): it is what your SPOUSE would be uncomfortable/unhappy about; what THEY consider would be "unfaithful".

In other words, this argument holds no water: "But honey, all the other guys' wives don't care. Sure, she had her tits in my face, but it is not like we were kissing or even touching each other with our hands". If the wife considers that unfaithful behavior, then he's going to pay the consequences no matter what the other guys' wives think.

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Now, in the case of an SM, it is pretty widely held by members here that withholding sex in a marriage is, itself, tantamount to cheating: it is breaking the marital promise of monogamy ("sex with one") to NOT have any sex at all.  It is being unfaithful to the basic foundation of marriage.

Some therefore believe that seeking intimacy outside of the marriage (here euphemistically called "outsourcing") is justified.  But I think most would still consider it cheating... it is just "justifiable cheating".  Note that intimacy outside the marriage may or may not include actual sex.  It could be lots of sexting and/or writing naughty stories for each other.  It may include actual liaisons.

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Anyway, while I'm glad you asked the question and am interested in the answers others will post, YOU still have to decide what YOU are going to do.  No amount of other people's opinions can absolve you from the hurt your husband will feel if he learns that you did something that HE considers unfaithful.  YOU have to decide if YOU can live with yourself if you continue the way you are or if you go further.  YOU have to decide if YOU can tolerate your husbands potential pain if he finds out.

For the record, my wife gets uncomfortable if I'm in the room when a Victoria Secrets commercial comes on. I once tried to watch the movie 9 1/2 weeks with her, and she got nearly sickened that I was asking her to watch just filthy porn. So going by the "spouse's definition" rule, the bar for ME for cheating is pretty dang low.

Why do the refusers get to decide what's "cheating"?

Cheated? Do you mean ,cheated out of money, respect, trust, communication, fun, health, mental stability, lifestyle, choices, freedom, travel, companionship, family, faith, obedience, being cherished, wanted, needed, and desired? That aspect of a marriage that a refuser gets to cheat you out of?

The definition of cheating implies that the cheater somehow gains an advantage or attains something by breaking a rule or a law.
However, a person can be "cheated" out of something they were expecting to get.
The third definition is the one I feel defines cheating in an SM - avoiding something bad through luck or skill. In other words; cheating fate by avoiding being sexless.
Webster's:
"cheats; cheated; cheating
Learner's definition of CHEAT
1
[no object] : to break a rule or law usually to gain an advantage at something
The players were accused of cheating.
I had to cheat in order to solve the puzzle.
— often + on or at
She was caught cheating on a test.
They cheated on their taxes.
He cheats at cards.
2
[+ object]
a : to take something from (someone) by lying or breaking a rule
The store cheats its customers through false advertising.
— usually + out of
He cheated [=tricked, swindled] the elderly couple out of their property.
I was cheated out of 20 dollars.
b : to prevent (someone) from having something that he or she deserves or was expecting to get
They cheated him out of a fair deal.
— usually used in the phrase feel cheated
Tourists felt cheated when they arrived and found out the cathedral was closed.
3
[+ object] : to avoid (something bad, dangerous, etc.) by being clever or lucky
a heroin addict who has cheated death many times
They tried to cheat fate. [=they took a risk and hoped be lucky]"

But baza is right cheating ain't the problem - the sexless marriage is.