|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 26, 2017 6:11:56 GMT -5
A dear friend of mine who is also in a sexless marriage disappeared from KIK. I was worried so I emailed him to see if all was ok. He replied and told me that his wife had gone onto his phone and found the message app and a dating app. He was forced to delete them. Now, she is suspicious of everything he does and every where he goes. But she still doesn't want sex.
What the hell was she doing snooping through his phone? Gee wiz, that is intrusive. I don't go onto my husbands computer or phone. I am uncomfortable if I have to touch his computer. I never look at his apps when he leaves his phone on. I respect his privacy. If he is having an affair or a relationship of some sort, I really don't think I want to know. I'm happier not knowing everything about him. He talks so much about so many things that I doubt there are many secrets. If there are, all the power to him. I have enough secrets for both of us. He acrtually has a policy, "If I don't ask, don't tell me. If I do ask, tell the truth." So he doesn't ask. When and if he does ask, I'll have to be honest and watch the shit hit the fan.
Sexless or not, there has to be boundaries. Even before my marriage was sexless and I was the Stepford Wife of the year, I expected to have my privacy and I gave him his.
I'm not writing about a criminal who embezzled from a relative or has a gambling problem.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 26, 2017 6:20:01 GMT -5
Snooping is corrosive. It was when my mother did (sorting through my trash, opening mail addressed to me) & it was when I did it to H (bookmark history back before we all learned how to clear it)...wonder where I learned that was ok?
It made ME feel horrible to act that way. I stopped because of what I knew it meant about me. That was way long ago.
I want a partner who I trust to tell the truth without resorting to this type of snooping behavior & that does go both ways. I want to have the courage to be honest & vulnerable with my partner, who will be accepting, nonjudgmental & respectful when I have something embarrassing to share.
Trust & respect are critical components for me - in both directions of a partnership.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Apr 26, 2017 6:28:05 GMT -5
Obviously trust is a problem there. My wife and I always have the passwords to each other's stuff. We do this to keep us both honest. I have never snooped on her and don't think she has on me. We don't feel the need to. We may not have a wonderful marriage (hence my presence on this site) but we are honest. If your friend wants to date, he should break it off with his wife. If he wants to stay with his wife, he should delete the dating apps. Make a choice and stick with it. I think that some privacy out of respect is fine but the expectation of privacy in a marriage is a sure sign the marriage is going to end.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Apr 26, 2017 8:57:28 GMT -5
If she wants to snoop through my stuff? Ok. But don't be pissed if she finds things she doesn't like. Granted there really isn't anything other than posts on this forum (which I delete the history on).
If she were ever to find this forum, I'm sure I've said some things that would hurt her feelings. Even some things I may even regret saying. But she was there the whole time. Nothing is secret. I never cheated on her. Hell, before I asked for a divorce never even flirted with another woman.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 9:23:43 GMT -5
I think there are two camps here. Those who don't want to know, like yourself, because if they find anything they would have to address it and they are firmly in the status quo/denial camp. Then there are those that want to control the situation, sex is unimportant and I have decided this unanimously. I would tell your friend to look at this as an opportunity and hit his wife with some hard truths about her actions.
|
|
|
|
Post by dancingbear70 on Apr 26, 2017 9:56:52 GMT -5
I seem to always have a different viewpoint...
Do what ever you want from a privacy standpoint within your own marriage. I personally have never shared passwords and have always locked my phone. Personal space is appropriate and necessary.
But once you are engaged in illicit activities with someone else, no matter how mild, you have a responsibility to protect their privacy as well. You may trust your spouse to not look, but there is always a risk. If you are wrong and there is an explosive reaction, you potentially have exposed someone else. Stories where a vengeful spouse telling the affair partner's spouse are commonplace.
No method is 100%, but don't unnecessarily expose me as your friend!
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 10:26:34 GMT -5
From my own personal experience and preferences, I feel marriage should be built on trust but with trust comes transparency and openness and honesty. That does not mean "snoop" however. Not at all.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 10:52:28 GMT -5
Sorry -- another long drivel from me.... this topic fascinates me.. just sharing: My husband and I may be very old fashioned here and I know "old fashioned" is not necessarily a "good thing" as things were messed up back in the day, so maybe we carry forth the values without the facade (as in, we actually believe in what we are doing, not faking it for "show"). We are actually looked down upon for having old fashioned values because in today's world it's all about "the individual" - the "I". We believe marriage is all about "the we" - "the couple" - "us" before "I." We actually had hours and hours of conversation about this before we got married to make sure we were on the same page. Anyway, so we protect and value our marriage before our individual "self." (that sentence is one we landed on together as a definition for our marriage). Don't shake your head or start to lecture me. IN DOING THAT that means we also take care of "ourselves" FOR the sake of our marriage. Kapeesh?!?!?! But, it's a subtle shift of thought -- a subtle shift of intention from believing we are "individuals" to believing we are "a couple" and I feel it makes us stronger for it. We truly act with this at the core of the driving force behind our behavior. My first marriage we were very independent creatures and I don't feel that did anything good. Why be married if it doesn't make you bigger/better than you are on your own??? (I know we saw that somewhere on these boards). Why be married if you don't care what the other is doing, saying, hanging out with? (or having an affair??? ugh... I would SO CARE). We offer each other privacy but with that we also offer each other transparency. We have accounts, passwords of each other. He could read this if he wants. I haven't logged into his facebook nor looked at his phone. He says he hasn't looked at mine. I don't need to know what he is saying to his best friend or sister or kids or even the female staff who text sometimes if they are sick, etc. He often tells me or shows me those ones, but sometimes he doesn't and that's okay. I do trust him but that comes from him being transparent with me, too. We both give each other permission to look but neither of us have. I feel lies corrode a relationship, even little ones, over time. This marriage really has made me bigger, better because I used to be kind of a sketchy person. I told my husband this, too. But in my previous marriage it was all about looking out for yourself. So I did hide some things from my ex (a lot of things, actually). That eats away at you in weird ways over time and causes big damage to your spirit and especially your relationship. I am finding it so much more freeing to be honest and 100% open. AND STILL LOVED - flaws, quirks, mistakes and all. When I told my husband (who was just a boyfriend then, we were contemplating moving in together) all about my debt (that I was tempted to hide from him) I was sweating profusely, palms wet, heart beating, etc. But he was so matter-of-fact about it. He looked at my credit report (which was so very sad) and said, 'Well, you have some work to do, but I will help you do it." He helped by coaching - not giving money-- lol. I Listened. I now have credit that's getting better every quarter.  He loved me flaws and all. But I responded by bettering myself for US. (that's just one example). If I had continued to be sketchy with money, he'd have good damn reason to dump my ass. Intimacy is all about vulnerability - not just "acting intimate." With vulnerability comes the responsibility of being open and honest and transparent. I don't see how we can have both at the same time -- secrecy, lies, private life vs. married life and have intimacy at the same time. Not saying "my current truths" are truth for all -- just sharing what I am experiencing or have experienced. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 11:12:26 GMT -5
He was forced to delete them. Now, she is suspicious of everything he does and every where he goes. But she still doesn't want sex. I would say that he was pussy whipped, but if he is not getting any pussy, he is just whipped. I know that some people say that privacy should not exist in a marriage. However, that does not just include information. If a spouse withholds cock or pussy, that person is being entirely too private, and should not expect the other spouse to be open either. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 11:13:58 GMT -5
Obviously trust is a problem there. My wife and I always have the passwords to each other's stuff. We do this to keep us both honest. I have never snooped on her and don't think she has on me. We don't feel the need to. We may not have a wonderful marriage (hence my presence on this site) but we are honest. If your friend wants to date, he should break it off with his wife. If he wants to stay with his wife, he should delete the dating apps. Make a choice and stick with it. I think that some privacy out of respect is fine but the expectation of privacy in a marriage is a sure sign the marriage is going to end. I agree with you wholeheartedly. And since your wife insists on keeping her vagina private from you, you can expect your marriage to end as well. Privacy does not just mean passwords. |
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 11:30:23 GMT -5
He was forced to delete them. Now, she is suspicious of everything he does and every where he goes. But she still doesn't want sex. I would say that he was pussy whipped, but if he is not getting any pussy, he is just whipped. I know that some people say that privacy should not exist in a marriage. However, that does not just include information. If a spouse withholds cock or pussy, that person is being entirely too private, and should not expect the other spouse to be open either. Trust is lost many ways not just affairs, true. Trust is lost when your spouse rejects you. Absolutely. The pillars of marriage remain the same but can be broken, cracked many different ways. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 26, 2017 12:09:46 GMT -5
My mindset is do onto others as you would have done onto you.
I did snoop on my H's phone once or twice.
I found messages from women on a website called hornymatches.com
I found that he googled a hotel in our town.
I found an email from the website match.com (they don't have your email unless you give it to them)
I had already started outsourcing and I was done with the marriage by the time I found this and snooped on his phone. I didn't really care at that point.
I just needed to figure out for myself what I wanted and figure out a way to support myself, and I did.
I was smart enough to delete history, fake emails, etc. Ex H not that clever.
In regards to your friend, I'm sorry that you do not have as much contact with him anymore.
However regardless it's the risk one takes. Being married and being on a dating app is not honest. I was honest in my marriage until I no longer cared about it anymore.
His wife is being honest with him she doesn't want to be intimate with him.
At that point she refuses to share her sexuality or his then his sexuality is none of her business.
If I were in his shoes I would have told her to fuck off and file if she wants to split the assets either that or start sucking his dick or mind her own business she can do with her pussy and he'll do what he wants with his dick.
I never worried about getting caught when I outsourced because I would have told my H - "what do you expect?! You're not fucking me and I'm not going to live like a nun. Our marriage is just business contributing to a household and the obligation we have to our children until they are 18. We can do this under one roof or two". Ultimately I chose two.
Since being on EP since 2014 and now this forum, I have made friends that I chat with weekly or even daily. They are real life friends and if I ever am in a relationship again I will be honest about my friendships with a new partner, however there will be no need for a dating app. I can't wait for the day I'm not on a dating app anymore.
|
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Apr 26, 2017 12:12:08 GMT -5
My first wife was so suspicious about everything I did. Let me give you a little back story here. I was in the military when I married my first wife. The career field I was in I did a ton of traveling and the job was on the medical side and anyone who can surmise this knows that the medical profession by nature and history is predominately female. More women in medicine than men not necessarily doctors but nurses and specialist. Anyways, because I traveled a lot (2-3 times a month for minimum 3 days) I was always around women. So my first wife was always looking over her shoulder and mine. Needless to say there were other reasons that marriage ended but it did. But she would go through my phone, my computer, my laptop, my suitcase....she would even go as far as to pack my bag for when I was traveling and take note of what she packed and if I wore something or didn't, if i used all my toothpaste or bought new shaving cream, or why I had a different razor.....that took it toll but wasn't the deal breaker for the marriage. Fast forward to my current wife. She knew going into the union what was up with my traveling and core group of friends, predominately women, and was cool with it. Then it happened. One time when while I was traveling I skyped her while at dinner, this was just after or few months after our daughter was born. Everyone wanted to see my little girl so I skyped my wife and said show them our little girl. She did we talked, she talked to who is now friends with her good friends of mine, girls, women....no worries right. One of the women, one of my best friends in the entire world that I would drop everything for, including my wife but not in a sexual nature, was a little tipsy and told my wife that we needed to have another baby before I ended up getting someone else pregnant.....all joking.....my wife knows this women and knows how she jokes like this all the time. But ever since that one time, she will always throw that into whatever argument we are having just as a reminder and to use as an excuse for no sex.
Privacy is important in any relationship and if there is a reason of any doubt, that needs to be addressed right away without hesitation. Stop the train, find the conductor and get it resolved before you move any further. Otherwise it will be a long long long long ride to where ever that train goes. I've never been the jealous type. As the matter of fact that reminds me of a new thread to start..... Bottom line, I hate people who pry into the privacy of others. It shows their true selfless character.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 12:16:32 GMT -5
My mindset is do onto others as you would have done onto you. I did snoop on my H's phone once or twice. I found messages from women on a website called hornymatches.com I found that he googled a hotel in our town. I found an email from the website match.com (they don't have your email unless you give it to them) I had already started outsourcing and I was done with the marriage by the time I found this and snooped on his phone. I didn't really care at that point. I just needed to figure out for myself what I wanted and figure out a way to support myself, and I did. I was smart enough to delete history, fake emails, etc. Ex H not that clever. In regards to your friend, I'm sorry that you do not have as much contact with him anymore. However regardless it's the risk one takes. Being married and being on a dating app is not honest. I was honest in my marriage until I no longer cared about it anymore. His wife is being honest with him she doesn't want to be intimate with him. At that point she refuses to share her sexuality or his then his sexuality is none of her business. If I were in his shoes I would have told her to fuck off and file if she wants to split the assets either that or start sucking his dick or mind her own business she can do with her pussy and he'll do what he wants with his dick. I never worried about getting caught when I outsourced because I would have told my H - "what do you expect?! You're not fucking me and I'm not going to live like a nun. Our marriage is just business contributing to a household and the obligation we have to our children until they are 18. We can do this under one roof or two". Ultimately I chose two. Since being on EP since 2014 and now this forum, I have made friends that I chat with weekly or even daily. They are real life friends and if I ever am in a relationship again I will be honest about my friendships with a new partner, however there will be no need for a dating app. I can't wait for the day I'm not on a dating app anymore. Clapping!!!! Love this. |
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 12:32:41 GMT -5
One of the women, one of my best friends in the entire world that I would drop everything for, including my wife but not in a sexual nature, was a little tipsy and told my wife that we needed to have another baby before I ended up getting someone else pregnant.....all joking.....my wife knows this women and knows how she jokes like this all the time. But ever since that one time, she will always throw that into whatever argument we are having just as a reminder and to use as an excuse for no sex. Can I ask why you are married then? What is the point of having a wife if you put this best friend of yours BEFORE her? I guess I don't get that. And that comment DOES hurt your marriage. It certainly doesn't protect it. Your friend doesn't seem to protect your marriage or respect it. If my husband's co-worker said that we would be having one serious fucking conversation and it wouldn't be based on "jealousy" but an uber red flag. You would drop your wife in a heartbeat for this friend of yours. How can you have a long lasting loving marriage? That is a powerful intention underlying everything. Sorry -- just my crazy opinion. I will feel horrible for stating it as soon as I hit submit. You can tell me to f'-off. I just think really differently than some, I think. |
|
He loved me flaws and all. But I responded by bettering myself for US. (that's just one example). If I had continued to be sketchy with money, he'd have good damn reason to dump my ass. 
