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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 26, 2017 19:16:56 GMT -5
WindSister , being sexless changes everything. There can be no transparency. It makes the refuser a bully and the refused pathetic. To be sexually refused by the person that swore to love you makes you crazy. A part of you dies. You go through the stages of grief. You lose your dignity. You need that privacy to find ways to survive, reasons to live. Its a refuge. It's a fortress of protection from the source of pain. For a refuser to callously invade that privacy, demand that the rejected one live a sterile life just because the refuser has decided it will be so, is a further violation. For gods sake we need our privacy to mourn, soothe ourselves and survive while we search for the way out. I am not going to be transparent with him. He doesn't give a fig about my sexual needs. He has no right to invade my fortress. It is all I have. I will defend it. I will protect myself. Yes and the lack of transparency usually starts with the refuser because in most cases they are not honest. They do not tell the truth about why they don't want sex or intimacy with us. They are full of excuses and never have reasons. Unfortunately they are masters of manipulation and use our kindness for weakness and the years turn into decades. I actually believed his excuses, thought there was something wrong with me, and hit rock bottom until I found EP. EP lifted the fog. Yeah transparency went out the window a long time ago I just didn't know it. Now I do, better late than never and yes life in a SM is coping with life. Beautiful post you wrote! Thank you😊 |
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Post by baza on Apr 26, 2017 22:44:23 GMT -5
I think scenarios can arise where someones right to privacy is over-ridden by other considerations. I posted a long winded response about this on Sister rhapsodee original thread. Incidently Sister rhapsodee I apologise for heading that other thread off in a direction other than you intended. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 26, 2017 22:49:52 GMT -5
All is good brother baza. I'm cool. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 26, 2017 23:28:56 GMT -5
WindSister , being sexless changes everything. There can be no transparency. It makes the refuser a bully and the refused pathetic. To be sexually refused by the person that swore to love you makes you crazy. A part of you dies. You go through the stages of grief. You lose your dignity. You need that privacy to find ways to survive, reasons to live. Its a refuge. It's a fortress of protection from the source of pain. For a refuser to callously invade that privacy, demand that the rejected one live a sterile life just because the refuser has decided it will be so, is a further violation. For gods sake we need our privacy to mourn, soothe ourselves and survive while we search for the way out. I am not going to be transparent with him. He doesn't give a fig about my sexual needs. He has no right to invade my fortress. It is all I have. I will defend it. I will protect myself. Agreed 100%. Used as a form of control. Ages ago i mentioned i used to have a Facebook - i shut it down a good few years ago because to be honest i get absolutely sick of him dissecting any posts or comments by my friends. There is one thing for transparency and trust in a relationship - but usually in these cases of SM it is about control. Ha yes he still has an FB account himself - and he even still has his uncle on there who got very sexual and made a pass at me. His reason "well, i don't exactly use it". No protection of us even though it's all he went on about. Totally get that fortress of protection. Which i am working on. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 27, 2017 3:44:56 GMT -5
I agree too, its just yet another act of control. If I put a picture on facebook, and friends like it, she micro-analyses every like and then if the same person male or female likes posts often, it usually gets a comment. I only joined the thing to share photos concerning my hobby, with other people I've met doing it. All of us are friends, geeks even. We share a common interest. So when this act of control first started happening, I posted less often, but I've grown to resent having my shoulder looked over, so nowadays I post as often as I can, and any old rubbish I feel like putting on there. Its almost become a blog. Although I havent bothered to mention the sexless marriage so I suppose it isnt. A pathetic show of strength on my part, but one thing I do know, its driven yet another wedge between us, and widened anything we used to have further apart. She's taken to not taking her phone with us and then asking if she can use mine. So thats where the investigation is heading next. Theres nothing incriminating inside the thing anyway. But I'm beginning to think, maybe there should be.....
I think the term is, damned if you do, damned if you dont. I'll run around doing stuff and be told to sit down and rest. Then 5 minutes later am reminded I have shit loads of jobs to do. Isnt that what you call a paradox ? I'm definitely having a 'done with it day' . Sorry rhapsodee, I've rambled a bit off topic.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 27, 2017 10:13:54 GMT -5
rhapsodee . I get it. Totally. Key words for me in your post are "while on the way out." I cheated on my ex (I call it what it is) (it was the last six months of our marriage). He also cheated me (of sex in our marriage). i had an affair partner that was also married. We almost got caught once... ask me how much that sucked. I get it. I lived it. Really. i don't know my point here. So, I will stop. (you are welcome... lol). Plus, I am home now and want to watch a couple Dexters with my man. Have a good night everyone. I'm just offering my lived and learned experiences Maybe to consider for the next relationship? I still say intimacy feels better with honesty, transparency, trust and openness and I'll be sad if that only lasts a few years. 😊 Thanks for the smile, I was afraid to check back in here today. Phew!  All good conversations - and hopefully helps some. Being challenged can sometimes make your own resolve even stronger, right? Totally see that in your post! Keep taking care of yourself! And, P.S. My life is not idyllic -- I promise you that. It's pretty damn normal (but it's not sexless and I share it with a man I love). But I was terrified of change, terrified of stepping out of my comfort zone, terrified of life until one day I told myself to get on with it. It's been worth it. I felt more hopeful and more alive the day I came clean with my husband and said this is not working than hiding it, but it IS a process -- I get that. Do it your way, but hopefully you keep that momentum going. The pain of ripping that bandaid was SO worth it. For all involved, even my ex. My wish for you all is to one day feel and live the polar opposite of what you are feeling and living now. Be well! |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 27, 2017 11:12:29 GMT -5
While talking to a friend on the phone last night I came to the realization that my husband doesn't want to know any of my private things.
I keep my toys in a Clinique cosmetic bag in my bedside table. I've left that bag on the bed, beside the bed and on my night stand. I have my deeply personal journal with my poems and writings about my anger with him in the drawer. I have left it on top of my bedside table while I was out of town. It was in the exact same position when I returned. He was his usual self, showing no sign that he had read it.
He doesn't have Facebook. He has no interest in it. I keep him up to date on what is happening with his sisters. I also send him links to things I think he would enjoy.
I'm not being lured into a false sense of security. I still protect myself. I change my pass codes regularly, I never leave my iPad or phone open, always locking before I step away. I delete all personal messages and emails from my alternative accounts. I keep nothing. I have no dating apps or links to dating sites. Well, I don't even have a dating site. I never use the family computer for anything other than household business. Deleting browser history is simply too suspicious.
If he did suddenly become curious he would find Tapatalk and ILIASM and all my pain and grief. There would be no personal messages in the message center. He would open KIK and find no messages or photos. Clean as you go. Because I delete everything, sometimes I forget someone's name (sorry about that) or what we had been talking about. Living as we do you have to understand.
As for leaving, I don't know if it will happen. Our youngest son (24) is bipolar 1 with psychosis. Getting him through his education and helping him to become independent is a joint venture. I couldn't desert him and I need my husbands help and support to manage all we do to help our son. He is a wonderful father to our children.
My dream was to be a functional trainer. I want to help people get past their physical pain so that they can benefit from personal training and get stronger.
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All good conversations - and hopefully helps some. Being challenged can sometimes make your own resolve even stronger, right? Totally see that in your post! 