appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by appleaday on Apr 22, 2017 14:24:14 GMT -5
Maybe this is a weird question, i don't know. But I have been on here reading and following posts for 2-3 weeks now and I see the phrase SM shithole thrown around a lot. Many of the stories I have read on here show that many marriages are plagued with issues outside of lack of intimacy, such as a controlling or abusive spouse.
But what if that isn't the case? What if your spouse is loving and giving but unable (or unwilling) to be intimate? My husband is wonderful in so many ways and I feel guilty being in here, but truth be told there is just something missing. He is supportive of my hobbies and endeavors, we enjoy spending time together (most of the time lol), and he is a wonderful dad. He cooks, he cleans, he fixes things, and he puts up with my crazy family. I recently lost my sister and I spend a lot of time and money now helping to raise and look after her kids. He never complains and is even close with my nephew. Teaches him how to use tools, talks to him about issues at school or with his dad. I think it's amazing. And he takes good care of me when I am sick, all without complaint.
The problem is he doesn't want to, or can't, be intimate with me, and I don't know which or why. Whenever we tried in the past he could not get "excited" and he isn't into learning how to please me in other ways. I tried so many things and even toys. He tried but I could tell it wasn't the least bit interesting to him. Again, he is so wonderful otherwise that I just feel guilty for wanting more.
And now I am finding it hard to be sexually attracted to him. Even kissing feels weird and turns me off. What a mess! Thanks for reading if you made it this far lol.
|
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Apr 22, 2017 14:39:25 GMT -5
I am in a similar situation. My spouse is loving and supportive, brags about me to co-workers, and likes to pretend that everything is fine in public (holding hands, etc--which is probably because she knows I am looking). But our SM has always been a shithole to me, from day one. Refusing sex or intimacy is a form of abuse, no matter if they are aware of it or not. Mentally, physically. It's been so long at this point, I totally understand the awkwardness you speak of. Even if she wanted sex right now, it would be no more intimate (for me) than if I were looking at porn.
I can't even say the word "sex" around her without feeling weird. How lame is that?
|
|
appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by appleaday on Apr 22, 2017 14:42:39 GMT -5
I am in a similar situation. My spouse is loving and supportive, brags about me to co-workers, and likes to pretend that everything is fine in public (holding hands, etc--which is probably because she knows I am looking). But our SM has always been a shithole to me, from day one. Refusing sex or intimacy is a form of abuse, no matter if they are aware of it or not. Mentally, physically. It's been so long at this point, I totally understand the awkwardness you speak of. Even if she wanted sex right now, it would be no more intimate (for me) than if I were looking at porn. I can't even say the word "sex" around her without feeling weird. How lame is that? Damn, that's awful. I sometimes feel it would be easier if he was a jerk to me. But instead I have everyone telling me how amazing my husband is, and the truth is I love him very much. But I have been deluding myself into thinking he will ever really want to be intimate. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 22, 2017 14:51:46 GMT -5
Yours does not sound like a shithole to me.
I had an unsupportive, gambling porn addicted lazy self absorbed H who is now my ex.
What really catches my attention with your story is the fact that you don't know why, and I'm not telling you to why chase but I think it's time to ask him the tough questions (ex: Does your dick not work? or it just doesn't work for me?) OR figure out what you want for yourself.
The fact that you don't feel comfortable kissing or being intimate with him is something I understand. I still find my ex handsome and a nice person overall but the years of rejection as well as bad habits, I can't get past and therefore I had to divorce.
Stay and cheat was an option but I didn't like sneaking around and he was very controlling an open marriage wasn't an option.
If I were in your shoes with as agreeable as your H seems, I would have tried for an open marriage. Just my 2 cents.
|
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Apr 22, 2017 14:56:19 GMT -5
I am in a similar situation. My spouse is loving and supportive, brags about me to co-workers, and likes to pretend that everything is fine in public (holding hands, etc--which is probably because she knows I am looking). But our SM has always been a shithole to me, from day one. Refusing sex or intimacy is a form of abuse, no matter if they are aware of it or not. Mentally, physically. It's been so long at this point, I totally understand the awkwardness you speak of. Even if she wanted sex right now, it would be no more intimate (for me) than if I were looking at porn. I can't even say the word "sex" around her without feeling weird. How lame is that? Damn, that's awful. I sometimes feel it would be easier if he was a jerk to me. But instead I have everyone telling me how amazing my husband is, and the truth is I live him very much. But I have been deluding myself into thinking he will ever really want to be intimate. The really unfortunate part is that he is not willing to satisfy you. If it was a medical issue, for example, he owes you and explanation, as well as putting forth an effort to please you in other ways. Have you ever known him to enjoy pornography? Just wondering if this was gradual, or has it always been this way? |
|
appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by appleaday on Apr 22, 2017 15:50:57 GMT -5
bballgirl, I did ask him very recently and he had no answer. It works when he is alone watching porn, but not when he is with me. He says he doesn't k ow why and then just started putting himself down saying he was broken and things like that. But he didn't say what made him broken. Since then he has started jogging daily and made an effort to hold hands, kiss, and cuddle. All those things had stopped when I stopped initiating them a couple years ago. I'm trying to work up the courage to start counseling but it scares the hell out of me. I took the first step which is getting a referral but still haven't made the call.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Apr 22, 2017 15:53:49 GMT -5
I can somewhat identify with your situation. My X wife is not a bad person. Basically she is a good hearted and understanding individual. A great housekeeper and a pretty good cook. But she had almost no interest in any form of intimacy. And she would not consider allowing me to have a FWB, insisting on fidelity, to keep myself only to her while denying herself to me. We remain good friends, attend the same church and every 3 months or so we have sex, just like when we were married.
I agree with deadzone 75, he owes you an explanation. If he truthfully doesn't know why, he needs to see his physician to determine if it is a medical issue. It it's a head thing he can get help with that to. If he refuses to do either then I believe it is incumbent upon him to grant you a hall pass when needed. Something along the lines of "don't ask, don't tell" might be workable.
Your reply to bballgirl came up while I was typing above. It sounds like he wants to try and fix it but doesn't know how. Again a trip to his doctor is the 1st step. If he is OK there then it's time to talk to a therapist. The porn reference speaks volumes.
|
|
appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by appleaday on Apr 22, 2017 15:54:05 GMT -5
Damn, that's awful. I sometimes feel it would be easier if he was a jerk to me. But instead I have everyone telling me how amazing my husband is, and the truth is I live him very much. But I have been deluding myself into thinking he will ever really want to be intimate. The really unfortunate part is that he is not willing to satisfy you. If it was a medical issue, for example, he owes you and explanation, as well as putting forth an effort to please you in other ways. Have you ever known him to enjoy pornography? Just wondering if this was gradual, or has it always been this way? When we spoke a couple weeks ago he admitted to using porn on occasion and I asked him to stop so we can try to build intimacy. He says it's not a medical issue, but a mental one. Just don't know what the mental issue is though. |
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 22, 2017 16:00:38 GMT -5
Maybe this is a weird question, i don't know. But I have been on here reading and following posts for 2-3 weeks now and I see the phrase SM shithole thrown around a lot. Many of the stories I have read on here show that many marriages are plagued with issues outside of lack of intimacy, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. But what if that isn't the case? What if your spouse is loving and giving but unable (or unwilling) to be intimate? My husband is wonderful in so many ways and I feel guilty being in here, but truth be told there is just something missing. He is supportive of my hobbies and endeavors, we enjoy spending time together (most of the time lol), and he is a wonderful dad. He cooks, he cleans, he fixes things, and he puts up with my crazy family. I recently lost my sister and I spend a lot of time and money now helping to raise and look after her kids. He never complains and is even close with my nephew. Teaches him how to use tools, talks to him about issues at school or with his dad. I think it's amazing. And he takes good care of me when I am sick, all without complaint. The problem is he doesn't want to, or can't, be intimate with me, and I don't know which or why. Whenever we tried in the past he could not get "excited" and he isn't into learning how to please me in other ways. I tried so many things and even toys. He tried but I could tell it wasn't the least bit interesting to him. Again, he is so wonderful otherwise that I just feel guilty for wanting more. And now I am finding it hard to be sexually attracted to him. Even kissing feels weird and turns me off. What a mess! Thanks for reading if you made it this far lol. I say the same. He's a wonderful man. He's so good to me. Blah, Blah, Blah. I was also speaking from a place where I wasn't "me", I just didn't know it. I had to do the hard work of figuring me out, and I'm still learning about myself, where my values are, and the true differences between him and I. I had/have a lot of psychological "daddy" issues. I had crappy relationships and then came along this wonderful, all-knowing, supportive man. I married the man I wish was my father, and as time marched on, I learned I married my father. A man who wished he could give me everything I needed, but couldn't. He over compensates with the laundry, the dishes, the groceries, etc. Intimacy - I never had a familial kind of intimacy with my father, and I've never had romantic, spousal intimacy with my husband. Instead we had crappy, awkward sex. If you haven't sought counseling, I suggest you start to look into it. You'll learn why sex is important to you (as it is for the majority of the human race), as well as why you picked this man as your husband who does not have the same sexual desire. We were together for 18 years until I finally realized I wasn't me. It took an attractive man hitting on me to finally make me feel attractive, beautiful, and desired. It's amazing what we put ourselves through. The denial can run deep. |
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 22, 2017 16:01:54 GMT -5
bballgirl, I did ask him very recently and he had no answer. It works when he is alone watching porn, but not when he is with me. He says he doesn't k ow why and then just started putting himself down saying he was broken and things like that. But he didn't say what made him broken. Since then he has started jogging daily and made an effort to hold hands, kiss, and cuddle. All those things had stopped when I stopped initiating them a couple years ago. I'm trying to work up the courage to start counseling but it scares the hell out of me. I took the first step which is getting a referral but still haven't made the call. MAKE THE CALL! It will be the best decision of your life! Good luck  |
|
appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by appleaday on Apr 22, 2017 16:02:52 GMT -5
I can somewhat identify with your situation. My X wife is not a bad person. Basically she is a good hearted and understanding individual. A great housekeeper and a pretty good cook. But she had almost no interest in any form of intimacy. And she would not consider allowing me to have a FWB, insisting on fidelity, to keep myself only to her while denying herself to me. We remain good friends, attend the same church and every 3 months or so we have sex, just like when we were married. I agree with deadzone 75, he owes you an explanation. If he truthfully doesn't know why, he needs to see his physician to determine if it is a medical issue. It it's a head thing he can get help with that to. If he refuses to do either then I believe it is incumbent upon him to grant you a hall pass when needed. Something along the lines of "don't ask, don't tell" might be workable. He went to his physician and got his testosterone checked and it was normal. Of course, this is before we met. A couple years ago we made an agreement, I would go on birth control to make things easier (he has a hard time with condoms) and he would go to the doctor and see what is going on. I got on birth control as agreed and he went to the doctor (once) and told the doctor he thought the issue was mental. The doctor runs no tests, prescribes the little blue pill which wasn't covered by insurance. He never went back and there we are today. Over two years later. I finally stopped with the bc, because I didn't see the point of it. During that whole time there was no sex and no attempt at sex. |
|
appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by appleaday on Apr 22, 2017 16:12:49 GMT -5
Maybe this is a weird question, i don't know. But I have been on here reading and following posts for 2-3 weeks now and I see the phrase SM shithole thrown around a lot. Many of the stories I have read on here show that many marriages are plagued with issues outside of lack of intimacy, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. But what if that isn't the case? What if your spouse is loving and giving but unable (or unwilling) to be intimate? My husband is wonderful in so many ways and I feel guilty being in here, but truth be told there is just something missing. He is supportive of my hobbies and endeavors, we enjoy spending time together (most of the time lol), and he is a wonderful dad. He cooks, he cleans, he fixes things, and he puts up with my crazy family. I recently lost my sister and I spend a lot of time and money now helping to raise and look after her kids. He never complains and is even close with my nephew. Teaches him how to use tools, talks to him about issues at school or with his dad. I think it's amazing. And he takes good care of me when I am sick, all without complaint. The problem is he doesn't want to, or can't, be intimate with me, and I don't know which or why. Whenever we tried in the past he could not get "excited" and he isn't into learning how to please me in other ways. I tried so many things and even toys. He tried but I could tell it wasn't the least bit interesting to him. Again, he is so wonderful otherwise that I just feel guilty for wanting more. And now I am finding it hard to be sexually attracted to him. Even kissing feels weird and turns me off. What a mess! Thanks for reading if you made it this far lol. I say the same. He's a wonderful man. He's so good to me. Blah, Blah, Blah. I was also speaking from a place where I wasn't "me", I just didn't know it. I had to do the hard work of figuring me out, and I'm still learning about myself, where my values are, and the true differences between him and I. I had/have a lot of psychological "daddy" issues. I had crappy relationships and then came along this wonderful, all-knowing, supportive man. I married the man I wish was my father, and as time marched on, I learned I married my father. A man who wished he could give me everything I needed, but couldn't. He over compensates with the laundry, the dishes, the groceries, etc. Intimacy - I never had a familial kind of intimacy with my father, and I've never had romantic, spousal intimacy with my husband. Instead we had crappy, awkward sex. If you haven't sought counseling, I suggest you start to look into it. You'll learn why sex is important to you (as it is for the majority of the human race), as well as why you picked this man as your husband who does not have the same sexual desire. We were together for 18 years until I finally realized I wasn't me. It took an attractive man hitting on me to finally make me feel attractive, beautiful, and desired. It's amazing what we put ourselves through. The denial can run deep. Wow, you've given me a lot to think about. I think the reason I chose him was that he was the opposite of everyone I had ever dated. He treated me well and I could see the love in his eyes. I had previously dated men who didn't respect my sexual boundaries, didn't stop when I said stop. In a way it was a relief to meet someone else who had issues in bed and I honestly thought we would work on our issues together and build a beautiful intimacy over time. In the beginning we were working towards that goal but it was an uphill battle and without me pushing for each step it fell apart. Can't I have someone who respects my limits and still desires me? It seems an impossible dream. I will make that call for counseling. I suggested it to him and he seemed reluctant but willing to go. I will make a couples appointment and if he doesn't want to go inthe end I will go alone. |
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Apr 22, 2017 16:25:07 GMT -5
when it stays sexless.
|
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 22, 2017 16:57:28 GMT -5
I say the same. He's a wonderful man. He's so good to me. Blah, Blah, Blah. I was also speaking from a place where I wasn't "me", I just didn't know it. I had to do the hard work of figuring me out, and I'm still learning about myself, where my values are, and the true differences between him and I. I had/have a lot of psychological "daddy" issues. I had crappy relationships and then came along this wonderful, all-knowing, supportive man. I married the man I wish was my father, and as time marched on, I learned I married my father. A man who wished he could give me everything I needed, but couldn't. He over compensates with the laundry, the dishes, the groceries, etc. Intimacy - I never had a familial kind of intimacy with my father, and I've never had romantic, spousal intimacy with my husband. Instead we had crappy, awkward sex. If you haven't sought counseling, I suggest you start to look into it. You'll learn why sex is important to you (as it is for the majority of the human race), as well as why you picked this man as your husband who does not have the same sexual desire. We were together for 18 years until I finally realized I wasn't me. It took an attractive man hitting on me to finally make me feel attractive, beautiful, and desired. It's amazing what we put ourselves through. The denial can run deep. Wow, you've given me a lot to think about. I think the reason I chose him was that he was the opposite of everyone I had ever dated. He treated me well and I could see the love in his eyes. I had previously dated men who didn't respect my sexual boundaries, didn't stop when I said stop. In a way it was a relief to meet someone else who had issues in bed and I honestly thought we would work on our issues together and build a beautiful intimacy over time. In the beginning we were working towards that goal but it was an uphill battle and without me pushing for each step it fell apart. Can't I have someone who respects my limits and still desires me? It seems an impossible dream. I will make that call for counseling. I suggested it to him and he seemed reluctant but willing to go. I will make a couples appointment and if he doesn't want to go inthe end I will go alone. It's really amazing when you dig. I learned, and continue to learn so much about myself. I have a wonderful friend and father of my children in my husband. I do not have a marriage. We had what I thought was marriage, but learned marriage is what you make of it, not what society has taught us it should be. I look at my husband and his family and it is quite literally an episode from Leave it to Beaver. I was thinking today how society, at least here in America, how we are hyper-sensitive and ridiculously politically correct. I wonder how much mental damage we've done to ourselves, to our children over the last couple of hundred years. each generation growing, but that growth is retarded by society and how our elders were raised and how they taught us. okay, I think I am done. appleaday if you want to read my story, I am publishing my original posts on my blog. www.sexlessmarriage.support under the menu Flashback Friday. I'm posting FF every other week, but I am wondering if I should post them weekly, or combine them into a downloadable e-book. I dunno. It's been interesting to look back and see where my head was - how fucked up my thinking really was - and how far I have grown. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Apr 22, 2017 18:30:22 GMT -5
The evaluation concerning whether your deal is "an ILIASM shithole" or is a case of "everything being great bar the sex" is yours to make.
And, if your full and frank inventory of your marriage puts you in the "everything is great bar the sex" pool, then you have another assessment to make.
That being whether the lack of sex is a dealbreaker for you.
It is entirely your call.
You stay, you cheat, or you leave.
Same options as if your deal was an ILIASM shithole.
If you are going to stay, it then is incumbent upon you to accept the situation without resentment.
There is no point in continuing to take your spouses inventory, no point in trying to change them, no point in "why" chasing.
The problem is external to you, it is not a problem that you can fix.
It is what it is.
But, that initial frank and full inventory concerning the reality of your deal is critical.
Many stories in here start off with the member saying "everything is great bar the sex".
Very few stories end with the member still taking that position.
|
|
