When does a SM become a sh*thole?
Apr 24, 2017 15:17:38 GMT -5
GeekGoddess, bballgirl, and 2 more like this
Post by Dan on Apr 24, 2017 15:17:38 GMT -5
I really like the posts by lyn , GeekGoddess , unmatched . I actually agree with -- or at least see -- their points about the term. And: their posts help me clarify what I hate about the term.
I -- for one -- needed to have many different bubbles burst: "its all great except the sex"; "she can still change"; "the marriage vow is forever". And a bit of tough love -- including equating a sexless marriage with an "SM shithole" -- help burst those. I assume it -- and other tough-love cajoling -- may also help others who are stuck with the same bubbles/blinders.
But if I may, I will extend GeekGoddess 's analogy. It will help me explain why I still dislike the term.
She mentions that "They lent me a telescope so I could see out, but I made the declaration 'yes, it is a shithole' myself." OK... if that is the moment it BECOMES the shithole... when does it STOP becoming the SHITHOLE? When you get a divorce? When you file for divorce? When you have The Talk? When you start having sex again (outsourcing or post-divorce)? Well... any of those I suppose.
But the moment it STOPPED being a shithole for me is when I realized it was a shithole... and that with a bit of courage and planning, I could get out of it. "Shithole" gave me a word for the sucky, trapped, demoralized feelings I had been having for years. Realizing I didn't have to live this way dispelled the shitholeyness to a very large degree.
GeekGoddess considers the term her TELESCOPE that helped her see "yup, I'm in one". I consider the term the thing that pushed me to realize hey: I've got enough materiel laying around there that I can cobble together a LADDER and say "I just figured a way out of here."
That realization has been transformative. I don't feel nearly as sorry for myself.
So, no, I haven't had The Talk. Nor have I even "consulted a lawyer in my jurisdiction". And some days I waiver in my determination that I WILL build the ladder and be strong enough to climb out.
BUT... I'm still in a much better place. I'm feeling a control over my life, despite my tough decisions and actions ahead. So I don't need to keep being reminded that where I am stinks. That's where the "judgey" come in: someone equating SM with "SM shithole". I don't feel that way; the term is not helpful to me at this point. It is a distraction and an unwelcomed reminder. It pulls me BACK to the trapped, demoralized place.
Yes, I'm still in it... but I'm not focused on the stink... I'm focused on the fresh air above my head. I need to focus on THAT.
I -- for one -- needed to have many different bubbles burst: "its all great except the sex"; "she can still change"; "the marriage vow is forever". And a bit of tough love -- including equating a sexless marriage with an "SM shithole" -- help burst those. I assume it -- and other tough-love cajoling -- may also help others who are stuck with the same bubbles/blinders.
But if I may, I will extend GeekGoddess 's analogy. It will help me explain why I still dislike the term.
She mentions that "They lent me a telescope so I could see out, but I made the declaration 'yes, it is a shithole' myself." OK... if that is the moment it BECOMES the shithole... when does it STOP becoming the SHITHOLE? When you get a divorce? When you file for divorce? When you have The Talk? When you start having sex again (outsourcing or post-divorce)? Well... any of those I suppose.
But the moment it STOPPED being a shithole for me is when I realized it was a shithole... and that with a bit of courage and planning, I could get out of it. "Shithole" gave me a word for the sucky, trapped, demoralized feelings I had been having for years. Realizing I didn't have to live this way dispelled the shitholeyness to a very large degree.
GeekGoddess considers the term her TELESCOPE that helped her see "yup, I'm in one". I consider the term the thing that pushed me to realize hey: I've got enough materiel laying around there that I can cobble together a LADDER and say "I just figured a way out of here."
That realization has been transformative. I don't feel nearly as sorry for myself.
So, no, I haven't had The Talk. Nor have I even "consulted a lawyer in my jurisdiction". And some days I waiver in my determination that I WILL build the ladder and be strong enough to climb out.
BUT... I'm still in a much better place. I'm feeling a control over my life, despite my tough decisions and actions ahead. So I don't need to keep being reminded that where I am stinks. That's where the "judgey" come in: someone equating SM with "SM shithole". I don't feel that way; the term is not helpful to me at this point. It is a distraction and an unwelcomed reminder. It pulls me BACK to the trapped, demoralized place.
Yes, I'm still in it... but I'm not focused on the stink... I'm focused on the fresh air above my head. I need to focus on THAT.
