Post by JMX on Apr 30, 2016 7:17:02 GMT -5
I have been off and on while living with the dude lately. On my bad days, I feel lonely and want to jump him - the "turn off" that most experience - well, that has been hard for me. I am neither especially attracted to him or turned off by him. It's kind of at that point where I need sex so bad and wouldn't turn it down although the thought of starting over with someone less broken is a much more exciting dream for me. But seeing as how I am in limbo because of the financial issues, well, he's kind of Obi-wan Kenobe and my only hope.
Last week - I left trash in my trunk because I had to clean my car quickly and there was not a trash bin around. I had some shopping bags with me, so I tied it up in those, threw them in my trunk and forgot about them. When I opened my trunk the other day to put my groceries in / something had been at the trash and chewed it to bits. Long story short, mice had gotten in my trunk and in my car. My dad showed up at the grocery store and helped me clean the trash out and drove my car home for me while I drove his. Rodents are my biggest fear. The state of our yard, having been neglected for a long time (as well as our pool) well, let's just say, they have places to hide everywhere and forgetting the trash was an invitation from me to the mice to come out of the bushes and into my car. H took my car in to get the outside and inside washed for me as I was still not comfortable driving it. Seriously - I am petrified.
Anyway, he chastised me a little for how messy I am and the state of the car. I admit, I hadn't really cleaned the inside in a long time besides pulling trash out. It got into a bigger conversation about me being messy and how he likes things orderly and how he just gave up because it was a losing battle. I listened intently. I took notes of his ire. I tried really hard to listen to his POV and not interject.
I admit, I am a bit of a tornado. Getting ready is a storm. I leave a lot of stuff laying around in my wake. In my defense, though, I always go back and straighten and I am the only one that actually cleans. So, in the home, you might see things laying around, needing a home or a place to go, but my baseboards are clean and the kitchen is clean and all the laundry is done. I take care of the mail and the bills. I have now also added yard work regularly to "shit I do" because it needs to be done and I cannot wait for Mr. Orderly to do it anymore. Also, forget the fact that I am the main child care giver, taxi service and make as much as he does this year, despite my slump, and have outpaced him every year prior - sometimes double. As much as I wanted to tell him "fuck off and go mow the lawn" I refrained because I was curious. I got him talking and I wanted him to continue.
This conversation ended around the dinner table, where husband also said oldest daughter's messiness was a problem as well as disorganization at school. This is a problem. However, he likened it to me and my influence but that we both could change.
Subject turned harder to grades and he goes on this diatribe of how he wants her life to be easier than ours, Yadda Yadda yadda. Then he asks her: "what is the most important thing in life?" A 13 year old, she just sat there and stared at him wondering what the correct answer was. "Procreation" he said. He went on to explain that each generation builds on the next and the only way to ensure that they live on is through their children and children's children. I was more than a little uncomfortable with this line of thinking, and passing this thought process down to a 13 year old girl and I was a little shocked in it's cold nature. Procreation. That's it. That's the meaning of life? Cold, calculated, passing on your genes so that when you die you live on?
So I interjected: "I think love is the most important thing in life." He said: "well, that too". But he was pretty dismissive about it.
For the first time in a long time, I found him dumb. I wanted nothing to do with him last night despite being back in werewolf mode. I am starting to understand why he doesn't speak or work through arguments. My mess (while something I need to work on) could have been worked on earlier had I known it drove him crazy. My mess would not be so bad if I wasn't the only one juggling a bajillion different things at once and had another adult helping. If I had been getting laid regularly, I would have moved heaven and earth to make his home comfortable so I could get more sex.
I see I was nothing more than a vessel for procreation to make sure his seed lives on when he is long gone. He will have passed down this important life lesson to our girls, along with his books on dragons and fairies and video games.
In the meantime, I will try to pass down to them lessons about love, forgiving yourself for your messiness while trying to do better, and a home with a manicured lawn, clean pool and clean baseboards.
Incidentally, my clean bathroom that I share with two girls, had a stopped toilet this morning (they use entirely too much TP). I had to use husband's bathroom. Trash can over-flowing, dirty sink, dirty shower and dirt on the baseboards. When finished, I came out and said:
"Man, that bathroom is disgusting. You should really do something about that."
Last week - I left trash in my trunk because I had to clean my car quickly and there was not a trash bin around. I had some shopping bags with me, so I tied it up in those, threw them in my trunk and forgot about them. When I opened my trunk the other day to put my groceries in / something had been at the trash and chewed it to bits. Long story short, mice had gotten in my trunk and in my car. My dad showed up at the grocery store and helped me clean the trash out and drove my car home for me while I drove his. Rodents are my biggest fear. The state of our yard, having been neglected for a long time (as well as our pool) well, let's just say, they have places to hide everywhere and forgetting the trash was an invitation from me to the mice to come out of the bushes and into my car. H took my car in to get the outside and inside washed for me as I was still not comfortable driving it. Seriously - I am petrified.
Anyway, he chastised me a little for how messy I am and the state of the car. I admit, I hadn't really cleaned the inside in a long time besides pulling trash out. It got into a bigger conversation about me being messy and how he likes things orderly and how he just gave up because it was a losing battle. I listened intently. I took notes of his ire. I tried really hard to listen to his POV and not interject.
I admit, I am a bit of a tornado. Getting ready is a storm. I leave a lot of stuff laying around in my wake. In my defense, though, I always go back and straighten and I am the only one that actually cleans. So, in the home, you might see things laying around, needing a home or a place to go, but my baseboards are clean and the kitchen is clean and all the laundry is done. I take care of the mail and the bills. I have now also added yard work regularly to "shit I do" because it needs to be done and I cannot wait for Mr. Orderly to do it anymore. Also, forget the fact that I am the main child care giver, taxi service and make as much as he does this year, despite my slump, and have outpaced him every year prior - sometimes double. As much as I wanted to tell him "fuck off and go mow the lawn" I refrained because I was curious. I got him talking and I wanted him to continue.
This conversation ended around the dinner table, where husband also said oldest daughter's messiness was a problem as well as disorganization at school. This is a problem. However, he likened it to me and my influence but that we both could change.
Subject turned harder to grades and he goes on this diatribe of how he wants her life to be easier than ours, Yadda Yadda yadda. Then he asks her: "what is the most important thing in life?" A 13 year old, she just sat there and stared at him wondering what the correct answer was. "Procreation" he said. He went on to explain that each generation builds on the next and the only way to ensure that they live on is through their children and children's children. I was more than a little uncomfortable with this line of thinking, and passing this thought process down to a 13 year old girl and I was a little shocked in it's cold nature. Procreation. That's it. That's the meaning of life? Cold, calculated, passing on your genes so that when you die you live on?
So I interjected: "I think love is the most important thing in life." He said: "well, that too". But he was pretty dismissive about it.
For the first time in a long time, I found him dumb. I wanted nothing to do with him last night despite being back in werewolf mode. I am starting to understand why he doesn't speak or work through arguments. My mess (while something I need to work on) could have been worked on earlier had I known it drove him crazy. My mess would not be so bad if I wasn't the only one juggling a bajillion different things at once and had another adult helping. If I had been getting laid regularly, I would have moved heaven and earth to make his home comfortable so I could get more sex.
I see I was nothing more than a vessel for procreation to make sure his seed lives on when he is long gone. He will have passed down this important life lesson to our girls, along with his books on dragons and fairies and video games.
In the meantime, I will try to pass down to them lessons about love, forgiving yourself for your messiness while trying to do better, and a home with a manicured lawn, clean pool and clean baseboards.
Incidentally, my clean bathroom that I share with two girls, had a stopped toilet this morning (they use entirely too much TP). I had to use husband's bathroom. Trash can over-flowing, dirty sink, dirty shower and dirt on the baseboards. When finished, I came out and said:
"Man, that bathroom is disgusting. You should really do something about that."
You would think I would know better too, having lived with him for all these years, but he seriously clammed up on me years ago and when these opinions come out - well, they're fascinating to me. It's like watching a verbal train wreck. 
?