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Easier
May 12, 2016 15:48:19 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by 3000more on May 12, 2016 15:48:19 GMT -5
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Easier
May 12, 2016 15:53:33 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by DryCreek on May 12, 2016 15:53:33 GMT -5
This! This is very important, and very well said. Letting things go, not doing the things that need doing, can get misinterpreted by others. It can even confuse the person it's happening to, it happens so slow and it is insidious. It has nothing to do with retribution, or a feeling of tit for tat. It's a motivational issue that runs very deep. I noticed it as well. It went against the very nature of who I am, who I wanted to be, and how I had been for a long time. And I let it go on way too long. Because what it was...what I finally recognized it was so late in my life, was a part of my soul dying. To to keep the peace, to be what every one wanted me to be, and to not "push" myself on my wife for my needs, I watched, and purposefully let, a part of me die. I mourned it's passing, literally crying at the time when I knew I'd let it go. But I felt it was my role, my job, for the greater good of my family. Without the validation of affection and intimacy from my wife, I felt my role as a man slip away. Without her showing her pride in me, her confidence in me, I shrunk away from my responsibilities. My motivation drifted away and I became numb. Just numb. I feel alive now, more than I ever have, but I can still feel the drag of the damage that left, like a bad limp from nerve damage that leaves a part of the body still....numb. But I'm fighting to heal. And I'm fighting to find that validation....and love. That's my motivation now. Sadly, you describe my current situation so very accurately. It sounds like you're out and on your way to recovery? I won't presume there's been a miraculous turnaround. |
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Post by itsjustus on May 12, 2016 17:00:55 GMT -5
..........I feel alive now, more than I ever have, but I can still feel the drag of the damage that left, like a bad limp from nerve damage that leaves a part of the body still....numb. But I'm fighting to heal. And I'm fighting to find that validation....and love. That's my motivation now. Sadly, you describe my current situation so very accurately. It sounds like you're out and on your way to recovery? I won't presume there's been a miraculous turnaround. I'm so sorry DC. I've followed your story's and comments, and I know where you're at my friend. As for me? Yes, I am out. And yes, very much on my way to recovery. There hasn't been a "miraculous" turnaround, but there was an immediate one, one that's grown and grown, along with many others. The day it was inevitable and known that we would divorce, I had an immediate sense of relief. All of the soul searching went away, all of the agonizing over what to do went away. All of the arguing, and pleading, and begging, and looking for answer's and whys.....gone. More importantly, because my ex had control and anger issues, on the very day I left, peace keeping was no longer my job, no longer my task. That is probably still the largest thing I feel yet today. I don't wake up wondering if she's mad already, or about to be, and why. Or when she will be. Or what have I "done" THIS time to spark her ire. That dark cloud is gone. I don't even think of the rejection as punishment for some slight. After 32 years? Yeah....it's a better day, every day. |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 18:19:48 GMT -5
If I had been getting laid regularly, I would have moved heaven and earth to make his home comfortable so I could get more sex. I know I am moving this around a bit from your initial meaning, but it's been on my mind. If I were getting laid regularly I do believe many things in life would be so much better. The true stress of this spills out into all other aspects of your everyday life and you are affected by it. For me this is what I've seen lately. I don't feel like painting the window trims, I'm depressed I'm not getting laid. I don't feel like barbecuing with her for dinner, I'm not getting laid. I don't feel like weeding those flowers, I'm not getting laid. I don't feel like doing very well at work, when I get home I won't be getting laid. Go to bed early, might as well I'm not getting laid. Something very important, and what I consider essential, is missing. What's really troubling and bothersome, is that it was not an issue in my mind years ago, when I was on my own. This reminds me of something I once said on EP. We frequently heard that "all is good bar the sex" is probably not really true. And I agree - the lack of sex is not the only problem, it's usually the biggest signal of other problems. But what I said was, "The sex makes his flaws easier to live with." That was true. Sure, there were less-than-great things about my ex. Most notably, his habit of babbling on and on and on about some arcane topic, when I would have preferred peace and quiet. He was more nitpicky than I was about housekeeping, so he would bustle around cleaning things, and I wished he would just sit down and relax with me. But while we still had a decent sex life, it was a lot easier for me to live with those annoying habits. When the sex started dying out, the annoying habits became more obvious to me. |
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Easier
May 12, 2016 18:32:56 GMT -5
Post by sand5280 on May 12, 2016 18:32:56 GMT -5
"The sex makes his flaws easier to live with." Sure, there were less-than-great things about my ex. Most notably, his habit of babbling on and on and on about some arcane topic, when I would have preferred peace and quiet. When the sex started dying out, the annoying habits became more obvious to me. Big dictionary points for using a favorite word of mine Arcane.
Now down to business. What you say is a big deal and so true, and it's happening to me now. I am noticing the little things, that never used to bother me. And they become magnified, when I actually find myself anticipating them. I am not too proud of myself on that, and I sure do need to work on it. One thing for certain, if I concentrate on these little things, and don't learn to live with them, or remind myself I once did, it becomes a worse situation still: The chances for any resolve on the no sex department, they will only become more slim. |
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Post by deborahmanning on May 12, 2016 21:25:14 GMT -5
Yes, another voice chiming in to say that once the sex was removed from the relationship, it was easier to see how many other issues I'd been sweeping under the rug. Including a total inability to see mess he had created, and in fact blamed me for. I feel like a jerk sometimes for seeing clutter I could clear in a few seconds, and not doing so. But I don't want to feel even more resentment; that seems more toxic for my son to see, than letting the papers sit on the counter.
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Easier
May 13, 2016 8:21:59 GMT -5
Post by wewbwb on May 13, 2016 8:21:59 GMT -5
deborahmanning smartkat
I tried to explain this to my w. I got "the look" - I was sure if it was because my flaws were so bad that sex couldn't cover them or if, in her opinion, sex doesn't change anything.
Back when we were having sex everything had to be "perfect" before we could even think about it. No dishes in the sink, nothing to clean up, shows being recorded....
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2016 10:56:41 GMT -5
Yes, another voice chiming in to say that once the sex was removed from the relationship, it was easier to see how many other issues I'd been sweeping under the rug. Including a total inability to see mess he had created, and in fact blamed me for. I feel like a jerk sometimes for seeing clutter I could clear in a few seconds, and not doing so. But I don't want to feel even more resentment; that seems more toxic for my son to see, than letting the papers sit on the counter. Being a mess was the 26th reason I got for my wife not wanting to have sex with me. |
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