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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2016 12:01:49 GMT -5
Updated today
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 29, 2016 17:33:17 GMT -5
Good post. The three questions/ statements: 1) What if I got sick and couldn’t have sex? 2) What if I was physically unable to have sex? I agree with you about the hypothetical, avoidant, deflection. 3) You just married me for sex! If my refuser said that to me my response would be: "Just" - No surely you bring other things to the table like a paycheck but sex was part of the deal when I agreed and wanted to marry you. The way I see it, this is a breech of contract and we either need to rewrite the contract or prepare to be sued for dissolution of marriage. My ex never got to rewrite the contract - I became a counter refuser. |
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Post by csl on Nov 30, 2016 10:30:29 GMT -5
Good post. The three questions/ statements: 1) What if I got sick and couldn’t have sex? 2) What if I was physically unable to have sex? I agree with you about the hypothetical, avoidant, deflection. 3) You just married me for sex! #1 - "Are you sick? You can't have sex? If you're not sick, why are you even bringing that into the discussion? Are you trying to change the subject?" #2 - "Are you physically disabled and not able to have sex? If you're not physically disabled, why are you even bring that into the discussion? Are you trying to change the subject?" #3 - "That can't be true, because we're not having sex and I'm still here. How much longer that will be true is another matter for discussion." |
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 30, 2016 10:50:52 GMT -5
My wife is sick. She has lupus. Physically, she could have sex, given time to sort out her meds regime. But the illness has a more insidious effect that's far less black and white.
Lupus, among other things, causes chronic pain and tiredness, which will kill libido. It also has a direct effect on the libido, and the meds for it can be libido killers too. And since it's always there and will only get worse, that affects her mental state too - she used to be outgoing and demonstrative, now she's subdued and saves her energy for socialising. Just to add to the fun, she's post menopausal, and she's one of the third of women whose libido takes a hit at menopause. And on top of that, she only ever liked sex as a physical thing - no emotional connection at all - so she gets nothing from the emotional connection.
None of this is her fault, and since she's the ill one, she's suffering more than me. That means me threatening to leave if she doesn't change amounts to 'I know you have a chronic incurable degenerative autoimmune illness and getting nothing out of sex, but unless you put out, I'm off'. Which I'm not going to do.
So the whole illness thing is far from hypothetical to me.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2016 13:04:53 GMT -5
My wife is sick. She has lupus. Physically, she could have sex, given time to sort out her meds regime. But the illness has a more insidious effect that's far less black and white. Lupus, among other things, causes chronic pain and tiredness, which will kill libido. It also has a direct effect on the libido, and the meds for it can be libido killers too. And since it's always there and will only get worse, that affects her mental state too - she used to be outgoing and demonstrative, now she's subdued and saves her energy for socialising. Just to add to the fun, she's post menopausal, and she's one of the third of women whose libido takes a hit at menopause. And on top of that, she only ever liked sex as a physical thing - no emotional connection at all - so she gets nothing from the emotional connection. None of this is her fault, and since she's the ill one, she's suffering more than me. That means me threatening to leave if she doesn't change amounts to 'I know you have a chronic incurable degenerative autoimmune illness and getting nothing out of sex, but unless you put out, I'm off'. Which I'm not going to do. So the whole illness thing is far from hypothetical to me. I can certainly understand that. I am very sorry for your situation. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2016 11:23:39 GMT -5
I just updated today. The topic is control
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2016 8:03:45 GMT -5
flashjohn, I love your blog. Thank you. smilin61 and unmatched, thank you SO much for the links to Johann Hari's groundbreaking work on the addiction/attachment connection. I had not seen that before and I do believe it will shed further light on my Hs functional alcoholism as well as my own tendency to overeat, particularly sugar, when I'm ultimately seeking deep connection with another human. I wonder if this connection is one of the reasons that 12-step programs work so well - they provide the intimate person to person connections that addicts have been seeking in their addictions.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 31, 2016 10:12:18 GMT -5
I have to agree with you Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs was brilliant and I think it explains much of basic human behavior. We could also include Pavlov's Dog as well. Your life partner starts out giving you sex - and you are dependent on that partner for it. So, you keep repeating the behavior that got you sex initially. The light goes on - we salivate, but no one feeds us. And then the partner is surprised when the dog snaps at them. |
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My blog.
Dec 31, 2016 10:18:45 GMT -5
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Post by shamwow on Dec 31, 2016 10:18:45 GMT -5
I read your last blog and you know what it reminded me of? The way that hostages bond with their kidnappers and feel a close connection with them forged through a period of time spent together in an extremely stressful situation. You might want to consider that just because you feel something very strongly, that doesn't make it good for you. And the meanings that your mind creates based those feelings may not be real. So your connection with your ex is clearly still very strong for you. Just don't be tempted to think that means something it doesn't. It just means there is no avoiding being a human being, and it takes time to heal and find yourself again. Never heard the comparison to Stockholm Syndrome before... Seems fitting sometimes |
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Post by unmatched on Dec 31, 2016 10:34:17 GMT -5
I read your last blog and you know what it reminded me of? The way that hostages bond with their kidnappers and feel a close connection with them forged through a period of time spent together in an extremely stressful situation. You might want to consider that just because you feel something very strongly, that doesn't make it good for you. And the meanings that your mind creates based those feelings may not be real. So your connection with your ex is clearly still very strong for you. Just don't be tempted to think that means something it doesn't. It just means there is no avoiding being a human being, and it takes time to heal and find yourself again. Never heard the comparison to Stockholm Syndrome before... Seems fitting sometimes Actually I think it is very fitting. You spend years and years living closely connected to someone else in a situation where you are constantly feeling anxiety/stress/deprivation. Those feelings and the lack of intimacy make you reach out all the more strongly for the bonding and connection you so desperately crave. And you connect with the person who is right there. Whether or not they are the right person or actually good for you is irrelevant. It is an inherent, preprogrammed response, and it forms a bond which is very hard to break out of. |
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Post by shamwow on Dec 31, 2016 13:34:41 GMT -5
Just read through your blog and it was spot on. It was also illuminating reading your journey as you wrote contemperanously. Don't take this the wrong way but as I go through my own SM shithole am just glad I'm not Christian anymore. I don't miss the guilt. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2017 16:47:48 GMT -5
Updated today
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My blog.
Jan 4, 2017 22:26:13 GMT -5
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Post by shamwow on Jan 4, 2017 22:26:13 GMT -5
Excellent post as usual
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 11:59:06 GMT -5
Today's update could be offensive. Title is "No, he/she is NOT a good spouse"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2017 13:42:50 GMT -5
Short update. Title is "A Broken Leg"
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