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Post by LITW on Apr 19, 2016 13:16:45 GMT -5
Your blog gives me hope, flashjohn. Thanks for being so incredibly open and honest. I'm truly amazed and awed by your candor. Same here! From the Christian angle, since that's what your latest post and many of the others are about--one of the things I dread the most is how my friends at church and other Christian friends are going to react. Our congregation is tiny and has been struggling to stay afloat for a number of years. They are wonderful people and have the best of intentions, but this upcoming divorce could well end up causing a major rift and be what causes them to finally close their doors. They will want to know why he and I are divorcing. And why didn't we come to one of them for help? I will not want to tell and he won't either. Even those with the best of intentions will likely end up taking sides. The truth is the one thing that would shut *some* of them up. Others, not so much, and you've talked about that at length because they just don't understand, flashjohn. And don't you know "God hates divorce"? Mind you the context of that passage is God using marriage as a metaphor for his relationship to Israel and there were actually provisions for divorce in the Bible, but I digress.... My kids and I will need to seek out another church. It may very well be what finally does this little congregation in and makes us dissolve. The dying breath of a church that has a 135 year tradition. A Christian friend of mine online who still struggles with guilt over her first husband killing himself after she left him (and she left him for very valid reasons), said about this (the church possibly dissolving) when I confided in her, "Oh, wouldn't Satan love that?" Great, yet another Christian friend who has bought into the Marriage Saving Industrial Complex (TM). Pressure, anyone? Lololol One of the things I like the most about this community is that there are Christians here, and the Christian perspective is considered valid. It never failed whenever I would post on EP about my situation, someone would reply along the lines of "... but I see you are a Christian, so you are hopeless" Christians have a history of valuing the institution of marriage over the people in it, but that is not always the case. Find a church that teaches from the Bible, and not from the denomination headquarters. I found such a church 5 years ago, and and have been happily volunteering and attending there ever since. It is the first church I have been to where I felt the leadership really "got" the teachings of Jesus. No church is perfect, but no church should EVER exclude people from attending because of some mistake they made now or in the past. A good place to start is look up a church that has a "divorce care" class and try them. www.divorcecare.org/groups/search |
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mariposa43
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by mariposa43 on Apr 19, 2016 18:18:34 GMT -5
LITW, this line made me LOL:
someone would reply along the lines of "... but I see you are a Christian, so you are hopeless"
Oy.
Thanks for the DivorceCare info.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2016 9:53:54 GMT -5
I updated my blog today.
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Post by snowman12345 on May 4, 2016 19:46:19 GMT -5
I have to agree with you Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs was brilliant and I think it explains much of basic human behavior. We could also include Pavlov's Dog as well. Your life partner starts out giving you sex - and you are dependent on that partner for it. So, you keep repeating the behavior that got you sex initially. The light goes on - we salivate, but no one feeds us.
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Deleted
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My blog.
May 4, 2016 22:40:58 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Deleted on May 4, 2016 22:40:58 GMT -5
I had some time on my hands, so I finally finished reading all your entries. So now, I'll go in and read the new update! [g] |
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My blog.
May 5, 2016 18:58:29 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Chatter Fox on May 5, 2016 18:58:29 GMT -5
I'm very much enjoying your blog. Please keep writing. You are doing a great job! Many of your entries are hitting me hard. It's very helpful for me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2016 21:42:41 GMT -5
I really appreciate your kind words. Sometimes, I think I am just writing to myself. But it does seem that my feelings do resonate with others.
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Post by timeforliving2 on May 6, 2016 0:39:40 GMT -5
FlashJohn - I read several of your stories in your blog, going back to January 2016 I believe. I consider myself a decent Christian too but in the last several years I have come to the obvious and inescapable conclusion that the church has no business telling people what to do with their private sex lives.
Re: your small group members, don't assume anything. I'd confide in the guys, one by one, and I bet you'd be surprised at how many would be supportive. They've very likely had to deal with a SM crisis at some point (e.g. going a *month* without sex, or something crazy like that), so they could advise on what to do as well as be that ear you can bend to confide in various things. Even if you're separated now, that support group from other guys would be tremendously helpful I think.
TL2
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Post by LITW on May 6, 2016 9:23:34 GMT -5
Good job on your blog FJ. I agree.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 15:52:53 GMT -5
Just updated
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Post by ggold on Jul 24, 2016 0:18:36 GMT -5
flashjohn I just read your blog. Very insightful. I think I may have to leave your blog page up on my computer for my refusing cheater to read.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 10:41:10 GMT -5
FlashJohn - I read several of your stories in your blog, going back to January 2016 I believe. I consider myself a decent Christian too but in the last several years I have come to the obvious and inescapable conclusion that the church has no business telling people what to do with their private sex lives. Re: your small group members, don't assume anything. I'd confide in the guys, one by one, and I bet you'd be surprised at how many would be supportive. They've very likely had to deal with a SM crisis at some point (e.g. going a *month* without sex, or something crazy like that), so they could advise on what to do as well as be that ear you can bend to confide in various things. Even if you're separated now, that support group from other guys would be tremendously helpful I think. TL2 You are completely correct. Every one of the men from my small group and many other men have told me that after a year of celibacy, they would be out of the marriage immediately. All of them have told me that I have been much more patient than they could have been. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 30, 2016 7:40:07 GMT -5
flashjohn - thanks for that link. You really have put a lot out there that is so helpful. My lightning bolt moment from it was in the entry about Oxytocin. With LoverMan, we would look into each other's eyes about the whole time we played/f*cked. I had not "given credence" to the powerful bonding effect of Oxytocin and just thought it was really great to get off this way (and he often reminded me to open them if I shut my eyes - he liked that quite a bit too). But - this is the source of the terrible attachment/addiction problem and this is why the withdrawal is so severe. I never had any lover who gave me so many O's in a single session. And in the 8 months that we met the 6 or 7 times - he probably provided me more orgasms than the whole last half of my 17 year marriage (dead serious). So - my "bonding" with this guy is way, way, way harder to let go of and move on from than it was with Ex. You really shed some light on it for me and I just wanted you to know. I appreciate this moment of clarity on it and I feel like that knowledge will help me to release it some more, to let the addiction fall away. Philosophically, let me ask this. Do you think if I can get myself off and/while looking in my own eyes in a mirror that the bonding effect will be the same? Not that I want to fall in love with myself - but do you think it would be a strong enough effect to at least "dislodge" the faulty bond to LoverMan? I'm not sure anyone will know the answer to this - and not sure if I'll report back if I do decide to try this experiment - but I'm interested in others' thoughts on the topic.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2016 10:06:06 GMT -5
flashjohn - thanks for that link. You really have put a lot out there that is so helpful. My lightning bolt moment from it was in the entry about Oxytocin. With LoverMan, we would look into each other's eyes about the whole time we played/f*cked. I had not "given credence" to the powerful bonding effect of Oxytocin and just thought it was really great to get off this way (and he often reminded me to open them if I shut my eyes - he liked that quite a bit too). But - this is the source of the terrible attachment/addiction problem and this is why the withdrawal is so severe. I never had any lover who gave me so many O's in a single session. And in the 8 months that we met the 6 or 7 times - he probably provided me more orgasms than the whole last half of my 17 year marriage (dead serious). So - my "bonding" with this guy is way, way, way harder to let go of and move on from than it was with Ex. You really shed some light on it for me and I just wanted you to know. I appreciate this moment of clarity on it and I feel like that knowledge will help me to release it some more, to let the addiction fall away. Philosophically, let me ask this. Do you think if I can get myself off and/while looking in my own eyes in a mirror that the bonding effect will be the same? Not that I want to fall in love with myself - but do you think it would be a strong enough effect to at least "dislodge" the faulty bond to LoverMan? I'm not sure anyone will know the answer to this - and not sure if I'll report back if I do decide to try this experiment - but I'm interested in others' thoughts on the topic. You know, that is a really hard question, and I am not sure of the answer. But here is my opinion: I do know that when my refusing cheater would refuse me for weeks on end, I felt more and more distant from her. But when she cut me off completely, the rate of disconnection began to increase exponentially. So I would think that with more time and distance, you would eventually come to be less and less connected to your former lover. Of course, the best way to resolve it would be to fuck someone else and look him in the eyes, LOL. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 30, 2016 12:22:47 GMT -5
Of course, the best way to resolve it would be to fuck someone else and look him in the eyes, LOL. Of course - I have thought of that! But - I have other reasons to hold back from that for the moment. Sobriety is one. Increasing my own sense of value & worthiness. Distrust of potential mates (as - I overtrust and usually/often quite wrongly). For now - I'll take the space alone and do what I can do myself. This includes a lot of lewd and/or suggestive fun, flirting, teasing with males at support group meetings. We understand that it is in jest (for now). I don't see any suitable candidates for the title of "next lover" quite yet. Maybe soon. Thanks - I really got a lot out of your blog. |
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