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Post by frannyglass on Apr 8, 2017 22:02:56 GMT -5
I asked my husband to make an effort to have physical intimacy in February and he agreed but now it's April and we still haven't had sex or even kissed - I try to but he pushes me away. I'm so sad and feel so lonely. I moved to a new city to be with him and don't have any friends. My family haven't been in touch much, I just graduated grad school and no one visited to celebrate or even sent a card. Sorry for whining here, I just feel so sad and alone.
I don't know what to do.. I don't want it to be like this but don't know what I can do for it to change
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Post by baza on Apr 8, 2017 22:32:32 GMT -5
A major "benefit" from being in an ILIASM shithole is that your start thinking weird shit, develop wheels in your head, make uninformed choices that feed back into the dysfunctional loop. Plus, your self esteem gets progressively trashed.... to the extent that you "don't know what to do".
In fact, there are very limited options of "what you can do".
#1 - you can stay in your ILIASM shithole, that's a perfectly valid choice.
#2 - you could cheat, that's a messy option, but again, a perfectly valid choice.
#3 - you could divorce, that is every bit as valid a choice as the other two options.
One option you have NOT got, is getting / making / forcing / co-ercing your spouse into being something they are not.
Whatever choice(s) you may decide upon need to recognise this core fact, that he is who and what he is, and that won't be changing - just as *you* are highly unlikely to be able to enthusiastically embrace a celibate life. *You* are who and what *you* are.
Welcome to the group.
Hopefully, it might help you with these awfully difficult choices that confront you.
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 8, 2017 23:25:25 GMT -5
Hi Frannyglass and welcome to the group. I'm saddened to hear of your situation, but you will receive nothing but support here. Baza is correct in highlighting your choices, but it's not about having to make decisions today. The state of confusion you feel is perfectly normal and the associated emotions are very real and valid. I think your situation is compounded because of your recent relocation to a new place; even without SM issues, that process brings with it challenges and stresses that involve loneliness and confusion. I would encourage you to do a few things:
1. Talk with your husband (I know you stated that you've talked with him before) and state clearly exactly what you want and exactly what you need and ask him what he will commit to
2. Don't stay shut away at home. You're in a strange place, but how long it remains strange depends on you getting out and doing stuff
3. Get involved in this forum. It will help you align your thoughts and challenge you to be the one who is in charge of your own destiny
Know that you have friends here. we 'get' it because we're all at different stages of the same journey, but you don't have to make that journey alone. Take your time and breathe. Focus on getting centered in yourself before you take on the external stuff. We're with you. Stay hopeful!
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 9, 2017 0:05:51 GMT -5
Welcome frannyglass You are NOT alone. Sorry to hear of your situation but I am happy you are aware and just posting on this Forum believe it or not is a very strong first step. It took me several months of soul searching and self-examination before I made a decision and acted. My little piece of advice "To Thine Own Self be True." Lots and lots of very good advice on these threads. And Baza said, ultimately it is ONLY up to each of us to make a decision, act or not act, but for sure each of us have the POWER to make our lives better if we want to - even if we have no power over our H or W. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Apr 10, 2017 11:59:35 GMT -5
I would like to say CONGRATULATIONS ON FINISHING GRAD SCHOOL!!!! That is a major accomplishment, you should be so proud of yourself!
I was curious though, after your talk in February, did you guys ever talk about it again or was it just the one conversation?
Is your husband in good health (could low testosterone be an issue) does he have a medical condition that prevents him from achieving and erection or performing?
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Post by iceman on Apr 12, 2017 8:57:47 GMT -5
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. It sucks to put it mildly.
What is the history of your sex/intimate life with your husband? Has it been at least satisfactory until recently and this is something new? Or has there always been problems? Have you talked about it since the conversation in February? Is he willing to talk about what's going on with him?
From your photo you are young. IMHO this situation needs to be resolved soon while you're still young and have time to start over if that's what it comes to. If it's not you will be shocked how quickly time passes and you wake up one day and realize it's been 10 years or more and nothing has changed. If he continues as he is currently he is telling and showing you what his vision of marriage is and you will need to decide what's acceptable to you and if it's not what to do about it. Deciding what to do is the tough part. There's
lots of support and advice here that may be of help to you. Everybody here is some variant of the same situation so we understand what's going on.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 12, 2017 9:12:45 GMT -5
Congrats on the graduate degree!
Not sure what your financial situation is but if you are not working I would say to get a job now that you have your degree in order to gain independence.
Not sure if you have kids. How long is your marriage?
I apologize for not knowing your backstory.
My advice is to tell him a sexless marriage is unacceptable, you love him and want him but the day will come that you no longer will and that will be on him.
He needs to figure this out an you expect sex at least once a week that includes x,y and z. If he needs you to forward him videos of what you expect then you can do that because you expect great enthusiastic sex and if he can not deliver that then he needs to let you know right now. Furthermore what he says means nothing, he should know that his actions speak louder than words and words mean nothing. If he doesn't want to fuck you then there are plenty of men that will.
Marriage is about being friends and lovers otherwise it's not a marriage and you don't like pretending and playing games.
Lay your cards on the table and go after what you want for your life.
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Post by Dan on Apr 12, 2017 19:25:06 GMT -5
(Updated. Sorry that the earlier version that got cut off.)
You say you are feeling sad. Even hopeless.
These are possible paths for you from here:
sad --> hopeless --> depressed and miserable --> stay at sad
sad --> hopeless --> angry --> more conversations --> try to change him --> probably won't work --> back to sad
sad --> hopeless --> angry --> empowered/motivated --> realize that you can't change him; you can only change you
If you feel you have "not yet been clear enough" about your needs, consider trying again, or consider trying individual or marital therapy.
But if in your heart of hearts you believe you've been trying earnestly for a long time and he is STILL not getting it (or getting it but not doing anything about it)... you may need to consider changing your outlook on your marriage, maybe even moving on from it.
I know this is painful to hear, and very painful to do. But you have SO MUCH of your life ahead of you to be lost in this pain for the rest of it. You can find love again. You can and should look for the love you want and deserve.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 12, 2017 20:55:11 GMT -5
You say you are feeling sad. Even hopeless. These are possible paths for you from from here: sad --> hopeless --> depressed and miserable --> stay at sad sad --> hopeless --> angry --> more conversations --> try to change him --> probably won't work --> back to sad sad --> hopeless --> angry --> empowered/motivated --> realize that you can't change him; you can only change you If you feel you have "not yet been clear enough" about your needs, consider trying again, or consider trying individual or marital therapy. But if in your heart of hearts you believe you've been trying earnestly for a long time and he is STILL not getting it (or getting it but not doing anything about it)... you may need to consider Anyone else just read this in a Yoda voice? |
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 12, 2017 21:04:34 GMT -5
You say you are feeling sad. Even hopeless. These are possible paths for you from from here: sad --> hopeless --> depressed and miserable --> stay at sad sad --> hopeless --> angry --> more conversations --> try to change him --> probably won't work --> back to sad sad --> hopeless --> angry --> empowered/motivated --> realize that you can't change him; you can only change you If you feel you have "not yet been clear enough" about your needs, consider trying again, or consider trying individual or marital therapy. But if in your heart of hearts you believe you've been trying earnestly for a long time and he is STILL not getting it (or getting it but not doing anything about it)... you may need to consider Anyone else just read this in a Yoda voice? Classic!! |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 12, 2017 21:09:48 GMT -5
You say you are feeling sad. Even hopeless. These are possible paths for you from from here: sad --> hopeless --> depressed and miserable --> stay at sad sad --> hopeless --> angry --> more conversations --> try to change him --> probably won't work --> back to sad sad --> hopeless --> angry --> empowered/motivated --> realize that you can't change him; you can only change you If you feel you have "not yet been clear enough" about your needs, consider trying again, or consider trying individual or marital therapy. But if in your heart of hearts you believe you've been trying earnestly for a long time and he is STILL not getting it (or getting it but not doing anything about it)... you may need to consider What @dan said. Or Yoda. Which ever you relate to! I've found a lot of networking groups on facebook, and if you are in a nice city, there should be plenty of things going on so you can go out and Network. I'm in the DC area so if you are ever looking to meet for HH, let me know! Congratultions on your GRAD degree!!!! That is so exciting and I hope it will lead you to wonderful things! |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 13, 2017 7:36:02 GMT -5
Congrats on the grad school! You have a good future ahead of you -- if you leave. Good grief! He doesn't deserve you.
Usually, we refused ones get the minimal contact just to keep us hanging in there and hoping for more. I get complements and affectionate hugs and kisses every day. Oh goody! I want sex. Pick me up and throw me down sex.
Do some careful checking, make sure he isn't having an affair.
BTW: You aren't the problem.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 13, 2017 8:21:53 GMT -5
Hello Frannyglass,....I just read your back history. It seems your situation has been ongoing for basically the duration of your relationship. And now after years of living without intimacy the pot is coming to a boil. It reads like the sex wasn't really any better before the marriage. I agree about your thoughts on his relationship with his mother. It doesn't sound healthy and my thought is that he is angry but afraid to challenge his mom so he transfers that anger toward you, along with the overt displays of rebellion, like tissues on the floor, toenail clippings or refusing to show you the respect he would give to a common roommate.
He may well be intimacy averse to go along with the other displays of immaturity. At age 31 this doesn't look good long term. If he is still acting like a petulant teen at times at age 31 it isn't likely he is going to grow up any time soon.
You have had numerous talks with him and he has responded by doing nothing different from his previous behavior. I think he has given you a pretty clear roadmap of where this marriage is headed as far as intimacy is concerned. You have been in the passengers seat long enough that I think you see the ditch is rapidly approaching.
One think I will repeat from above is that your H is who and what he is, just as you are. You cannot change him. You can change yourself and the circumstances you find yourself in. It may not be something you can do right now but you can start the process that brings about that change. You are a smart girl, do the smart thing.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 13, 2017 9:09:15 GMT -5
Hi Frannyglass,
I remember your original post from a while back; have you addressed at all the other parts, with him getting jealous or telling you to wear less makeup or dress more modestly? It sounds like there are a lot of other concerning signs to watch for aside from just his inability to be physically close to you.
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Post by solodriver on Apr 13, 2017 11:43:11 GMT -5
CONGRAULATIONS on finishing grad school. That's a very huge accomplishment and deserves to be celebrated and be proud of!
My God, I don't understand why sex has to be the most difficult for some people to do. I would die for someone who desired me as much as you, and the many women in this group do, for their husbands. These men don't even begin to appreciate how lucky they are that someone loves and desires them so much. It's hurts me beyond words each time I read these stores from the beautiful women here such as you. To me, anyone who has a problem with sex has other problems as well.
If, after talking with him about it he refuses to fix the problem or keeps putting it off, you need to walk away and divorce him. Being patient and loving with him is only working one way for you. He is not returning the love that you have so graciously shown him by continuing to refuse you.
I tried to be patient, loving, understanding, and talking about it and now, for me, it's been almost 18 years that my wife has refused to have sex with me. I feel ashamed, sad, very lonely and heartbroken. The longer you wait and allow him to do this to you, the more those feelings become a part of you "normal" life and the more intense they become. Eventually you will lose all desire and love that you have for him. I lost all the desire and love for my wife and now I don't ever want to have sex with her again. Her refusing has destroyed those feelings and desires I once had for her. I care for her as I would anyone else in my family, but not in any romantic sense and that can never happen for me again. When she first starting refusing me and giving me the reasons, I would fix whatever the issue was and then it became something else. Then it became her health and then it was one excuse after another and I realized that I was unable to overcome her refusals and that, she no longer loved me in a romantic and intimate way. That realization would have destroyed me, had it not been for me finding this group and the wonderful people in it that have shown me how to deal with it.
Let me share with you something I just read yesterday from Dan in his post "Living in A Sexless Marriage Almost Broke Me" which you can find in the Resources section of this group. "But I will say one thing: If you’ve never suffered night after night of humiliation, if you’ve never been shut out of intimacy for weeks, months, years, then please don’t say that sex isn’t everything.
Of course there are other components to a marriage—love, trust, respect, compassion, affection, communication and a hundred other things. But sex is not just optional. It is not a bargaining chip, nor a prize for good behavior. Sex is powerful. It is the most intense pleasure on the spectrum of human experience, and as such, it is also the one that can bring the most pain.
Sex creates life, but it can destroy it too."
I truly understand about how very hard it is to make the decision to have to walk away and divorce. But you will never find happiness or be happy with someone who truly doesn't love you the way you need and DESERVE to be loved. Quite honestly he doesn't love you if he refuses you in the most wonderful way that we can show someone we love them, through intimacy and sex.
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