lostheart
Junior Member
Posts: 22 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lostheart on Apr 13, 2017 17:00:52 GMT -5
I asked my husband to make an effort to have physical intimacy in February and he agreed but now it's April and we still haven't had sex or even kissed - I try to but he pushes me away. I'm so sad and feel so lonely. I moved to a new city to be with him and don't have any friends. My family haven't been in touch much, I just graduated grad school and no one visited to celebrate or even sent a card. Sorry for whining here, I just feel so sad and alone. I don't know what to do.. I don't want it to be like this but don't know what I can do for it to change Hi Frannyglass, I can kind of relate. I moved about half a dozen times with my husband for the last ten years. We usually had sex 3-4 times a year. Now we haven't had any for 10 months and before that for about a year - I wouldn't have thought before it would make a difference (change from next to never to never), but surprisingly now I even feel more lonely. Because of all the moving we have never been able to build up a friendship circle - but even more than that my husband is kind of a loner, and lately much more depressive and grumpy (he may have valid reasons partly, but so much for the situation). So if I go out, it's on my own. Since two years or so he even started avoiding family events and picking up fights for minor reasons (again, it's not just his own fault, but he has his part). Went to family occasions on major holidays and birthdays on my own now he tells me he doesn't want to join my parents who'd like to invite us for dinner the weekend. I don't get it because he always got along well with my parents and they supported him on several occasions. When I said that it made me sad he just ignored me, and went to bed without even saying a word to me. Oh yeah.. and he likes to talk contemtuously about most of my friends (who unfortunately mostly live far away) Honestly, lately I was nearly about to say to him: if you don't have sex with me AND don't like to be my friend WTF do you think is our relationship still good for?? |
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 13, 2017 17:25:20 GMT -5
I asked my husband to make an effort to have physical intimacy in February and he agreed but now it's April and we still haven't had sex or even kissed - I try to but he pushes me away. I'm so sad and feel so lonely. I moved to a new city to be with him and don't have any friends. My family haven't been in touch much, I just graduated grad school and no one visited to celebrate or even sent a card. Sorry for whining here, I just feel so sad and alone. I don't know what to do.. I don't want it to be like this but don't know what I can do for it to change Hi Frannyglass, I can kind of relate. I moved about half a dozen times with my husband for the last ten years. We usually had sex 3-4 times a year. Now we haven't had any for 10 months and before that for about a year - I wouldn't have thought before it would make a difference (change from next to never to never), but surprisingly now I even feel more lonely. Because of all the moving we have never been able to build up a friendship circle - but even more than that my husband is kind of a loner, and lately much more depressive and grumpy (he may have valid reasons partly, but so much for the situation). So if I go out, it's on my own. Since two years or so he even started avoiding family events and picking up fights for minor reasons (again, it's not just his own fault, but he has his part). Went to family occasions on major holidays and birthdays on my own now he tells me he doesn't want to join my parents who'd like to invite us for dinner the weekend. I don't get it because he always got along well with my parents and they supported him on several occasions. When I said that it made me sad he just ignored me, and went to bed without even saying a word to me. Oh yeah.. and he likes to talk contemtuously about most of my friends (who unfortunately mostly live far away) Honestly, lately I was nearly about to say to him: if you don't have sex with me AND don't like to be my friend WTF do you think is our relationship still good for?? Hi Lostheart, it really sounds like your husband has a significant mental health issue. If he hasn't seen a psych yet, he really needs to. Sorry that you're having to deal with this crap. |
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Post by itsjustus on Apr 13, 2017 18:08:30 GMT -5
Hi frannyglass. As you've seen, there are a lot of wonderful people here who have a lot of experience of living thru what you are now. They have a world of advice, empathy and wonderful sympathy. They truly care, because they've found others here, like you, that care.
I'm going to let them speak their own hard learned wisdom. Each of them have a different "voice"....from frank and direct, to soft and loving. Even hilarious, those times when it's better to laugh than cry. It takes some getting used to, because there's so much diversity, but there is so much collective wisdom that it's well worth it. And each and everyone of them cares. Deeply.
I say all of this because your words "I'm so sad and feel so lonely", "I just feel so sad and alone" hit me to the core. I remember those feelings, so vividly. I've been out of my sexless marriage (SM) for over three years, but the feeling of being so sad, so alone, right next to someone who took a vow to never let that happen, is still a vivid memory that can creep up and suddenly blind side me.
Your words "but he pushes me away".....My God...do I remember that and how utterly devastating that was on my self-esteem. How confusing it was to me, with all of my expectations of what a marriage, a relationship, should be. I think for a woman, given the stereotype that men inherently want sex, it's doubly so. Until you read here how prevalent it can be.....
Your cry of "I don't know what to do" is what lead all of us here. We ended up here because we loved our spouse's, but didn't know what to do about the lack of intimacy that sex, touching, kissing, closeness brings to a marriage. That deep richness that those bring, beyond being "just partners". "I don't know what to do..." circling around and around in our heads, every day, every night as we stared at the ceiling.....
My point of all this being....Please make sure to come back. Come back and read not just this advice directed to you, but all the other threads. All the other story's, with all the angst, the cries of anger, all the laughs, the wonderful triumphs, and even story's from those like me who are passed all of this, but still feel the ghost pains of living like you are now. We come here to not only help, give back, but to heal ourselves. There are threads here exactly like yours.
Frannyglass? We've been exactly where you are now. We've all been so lonely, so afraid, feeling so isolated, so confused.....
Here, you're among friends, who know....... It's worth it. |
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lostheart
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lostheart on Apr 14, 2017 3:25:34 GMT -5
Hi Frannyglass, I can kind of relate. I moved about half a dozen times with my husband for the last ten years. We usually had sex 3-4 times a year. Now we haven't had any for 10 months and before that for about a year - I wouldn't have thought before it would make a difference (change from next to never to never), but surprisingly now I even feel more lonely. Because of all the moving we have never been able to build up a friendship circle - but even more than that my husband is kind of a loner, and lately much more depressive and grumpy (he may have valid reasons partly, but so much for the situation). So if I go out, it's on my own. Since two years or so he even started avoiding family events and picking up fights for minor reasons (again, it's not just his own fault, but he has his part). Went to family occasions on major holidays and birthdays on my own now he tells me he doesn't want to join my parents who'd like to invite us for dinner the weekend. I don't get it because he always got along well with my parents and they supported him on several occasions. When I said that it made me sad he just ignored me, and went to bed without even saying a word to me. Oh yeah.. and he likes to talk contemtuously about most of my friends (who unfortunately mostly live far away) Honestly, lately I was nearly about to say to him: if you don't have sex with me AND don't like to be my friend WTF do you think is our relationship still good for?? Hi Lostheart, it really sounds like your husband has a significant mental health issue. If he hasn't seen a psych yet, he really needs to. Sorry that you're having to deal with this crap. Hi copernicus, he knows it himself and he was adviced and started to take up therapy several times. But then again interrupts because we move again. It's like a vicious circle |
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 25, 2017 13:30:52 GMT -5
it can be one of the worst roller coaster rides i have ever been on. One day I'm good and the next it's all that consumes my thoughts throughout the day. Most days are meh, and then I get home and the routine starts. Hug, hug, how was your day? How was school? Good, good, uh huh, uh huh. Me too. Yeah it was busy. No, I was in meetings....blah blah blah blah.....pour a drink, try and kick of the shoes but am met with not one but two bags of kitchen trash sitting on the kitchen floor against the side of the kitchen island.....what the F were you SOOO busy with that during your entire day off not one but two bags of garbage couldn't find their way to the trashcan outside...? Are you kidding me I know for a fact that the trash was empty from last night because I took the sh**t out last night before locking up the house and cleaning up your f...ing mess. Then the wife attempts to talk to me from the kitchen OVER the volume of whatever kids show or kids movie is being blasted from my television that my daughter is watching in the living room. I say I can't hear you can you please say it again, I turn down the television, wife repeats herself louder saying she can't hear herself think, I ask why she didn't tell daughter to turn it down, wife gets made thinks I'm telling her how to be a parent, fight breaks out, daughter runs to her room to avoid the yelling......now i have to play the guilty party here since I haven't been here all day to see or be a part of any of what she's had to deal with. But when I'm off and have my daughter there isn't the first issue or problem all day. I don't get it. I just don't get it.....smh
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Post by frannyglass on May 6, 2017 17:49:55 GMT -5
I'm sorry for not responding to everyone, I felt overwhelmed by all the responses. I hate that it's come this and was in denial about everything everyone was saying. since this post, we have been sleeping in separate beds but he continues to make it seem as if everything is normal, like making plans for our two year anniversary which to me, any idea seems trite because I know there won't be any romance where ever we go. today I asked for a 15 minute massage and he got frustrated and said I don't think so.. I got so sad and fed up that I told him I wanted a divorce. I gave him my rings back but now am unsure how things will pan out. I think I will have to stay here with him until I get an apartment but it's not like it will be at all different since there hasn't been anything between us in a long time. I'm afraid of being on my own and this happening again to me in a new relationship. I'm also afraid I won't meet anyone again. I feel very sad that it's failed but it's been so long of me trying
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Post by orangepeel on May 6, 2017 19:05:49 GMT -5
I never know what to say other than I get it. I hope that's something.
I don't want to sound uncharitable, but there's either something wrong with him, or something bad's happening with him. In either case, either make him confront it, or let him know that the line he seems set on drawing cannot hold.
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Post by DryCreek on May 6, 2017 20:05:09 GMT -5
frannyglass, You will no doubt second-guess your actions as he suddenly reacts to the consequences he's earned and tries to lure you back in. That's textbook behavior. As you do, keep in mind that you got to this decision for a very good reason, and it wasn't a spur-of-the-moment dramatic move. Stand your ground. I got to the point you are right now. Then, I backed down, decided to keep trying. 20 years later, I was still trying. It will never get better. So much intimacy that could have happened in that time... Keep your momentum. Start by interviewing some attorneys. In many locales, the initial meeting is free. After talking with about 3 of them, you'll have a better idea of the right questions to ask, their different styles, and you'll have a better idea of where you are and where things go next. DC
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Post by baza on May 6, 2017 20:49:00 GMT -5
It is usual for the sequence to go -
#1 - get the appropriate legal advice in your jurisdiction
#2 - within that framework, construct your exit strategy and get it into do-able shape
#3 - shore up your support network to help you through #2 and #4
#4 - NOW is the time to enact your do-able exit strategy, complete with the grand gesture of handing back your rings or whatever if you want to go that route.
But you don't get bonus points for style / artistic merit in these situations.
As long as you get out, the mission is accomplished.
But good thorough preparation sure as shit doesn't hurt.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 6, 2017 21:03:17 GMT -5
It is usual for the sequence to go - #1 - get the appropriate legal advice in your jurisdiction #2 - within that framework, construct your exit strategy and get it into do-able shape #3 - shore up your support network to help you through #2 and #4 #4 - NOW is the time to enact your do-able exit strategy, complete with the grand gesture of handing back your rings or whatever if you want to go that route. But you don't get bonus points for style / artistic merit in these situations. As long as you get out, the mission is accomplished. But good thorough preparation sure as shit doesn't hurt. What if you are able to make your ex scream and curse at her lawyer infront of the court house like my brother was able to do, is that worth extra points? |
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Post by baza on May 6, 2017 21:16:20 GMT -5
It is usual for the sequence to go - #1 - get the appropriate legal advice in your jurisdiction #2 - within that framework, construct your exit strategy and get it into do-able shape #3 - shore up your support network to help you through #2 and #4 #4 - NOW is the time to enact your do-able exit strategy, complete with the grand gesture of handing back your rings or whatever if you want to go that route. But you don't get bonus points for style / artistic merit in these situations. As long as you get out, the mission is accomplished. But good thorough preparation sure as shit doesn't hurt. What if you are able to make your ex scream and curse at her lawyer infront of the court house like my brother was able to do, is that worth extra points? If I was judging, that would get high marks for "technical difficulty" for sure. Actually, I think I'd give that one a standing ovation. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 6, 2017 22:03:42 GMT -5
What if you are able to make your ex scream and curse at her lawyer infront of the court house like my brother was able to do, is that worth extra points? If I was judging, that would get high marks for "technical difficulty" for sure. Actually, I think I'd give that one a standing ovation. Or a standing "O". (open to interpretation LOL!!) |
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Post by worksforme2 on May 6, 2017 22:08:55 GMT -5
It's pretty normal to find one's self in a state of uncertainty when this type of event comes to pass. Having the expectation of continuity day to day suddenly turned upside down can and generally will cause one to question if they are doing the right thing. And to wonder what is going to happen next? At least you know one thing for sure, you are not in denial any more. You have also taken dramatic action to change the dysfunctional nature of your marriage. It remains to be seen how your H will react going forward. But from the outside looking in I would say you have done him a huge service by forcing the issue.
You don't say how he reacted to your giving back the rings. I'm betting it was pretty subdued.
It's OK to be anxious about being on your own and it makes sense to stay where you are until you accumulate enough money to move out. As long as things are amiable between the two of you the time could be used to come to some agreements on the best way to move forward for the both of you. It isn't pleasant but people do it every day.
Don't worry about meeting someone right now. Take some time to get your head right. You are young. You are attractive. And you are confident, you just haven't realized it yet.
Reestablish your relationships with your family and with friends from your former city. Shore up that support from people who care about you. You are going to be fine.
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Post by dinnaken on May 7, 2017 2:39:45 GMT -5
Hi Frannyglass,
I remember your posts from February;I'm sorry to hear that things didn't improve. At that point, in February, I had just asked my wife for a divorce, after a long sexless marriage and so felt unable to comment.
I have no doubt that you will feel uncertain for the future, perhaps even anxious and afraid; that's how I felt. I even had a 'wobble', wondering if I had done the right thing, but it passed.
You may not know the future but you do know that the situation that made you unhappy is now going to end. Whatever the future holds, it's now your's to shape.
Get in touch with family and friends. Get legal advice and try to stay on amicable terms with your husband.
Whatever unpleasantness and anxieties lie ahead, for what it's worth, I think you've done the hardest part.
Good luck
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Post by shamwow on May 8, 2017 15:12:18 GMT -5
It is usual for the sequence to go - #1 - get the appropriate legal advice in your jurisdiction #2 - within that framework, construct your exit strategy and get it into do-able shape #3 - shore up your support network to help you through #2 and #4 #4 - NOW is the time to enact your do-able exit strategy, complete with the grand gesture of handing back your rings or whatever if you want to go that route. But you don't get bonus points for style / artistic merit in these situations. As long as you get out, the mission is accomplished. But good thorough preparation sure as shit doesn't hurt. What if you are able to make your ex scream and curse at her lawyer infront of the court house like my brother was able to do, is that worth extra points? A co-worker of mine got taken back to court to increase his child support payments because the ex wanted a new car (Mercedes). It turned out that his brother pointed out something in the paperwork that the standard paternity test had come back negative on him. He had just not noticed it the first go-around. Turns out that she not only didn't get the Mercedes, but had to pay back 7 years of child support and the judge granted custody to him (which he declined). This is a second-hand story, but from what I understand, there was MUCH screaming involved from ALL parties. |
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