Post by RexCorvus on Apr 6, 2017 22:51:52 GMT -5
Wednesday night was Mrs. Rex’s and I first joint marriage counseling session. It was very bad. She is trying to play the victim and paint me in a bad light.
Before the session the therapist had us fill out a questionnaire and the first question was “What do you hope to accomplish through counseling?” There were two differing goals immediately. Mrs. Rex had hope that the marriage could be saved and if so wanted something completely different than our current relationship because she feels that I resent her.
Then I read my answer. “Work through the difficult and painful emotions and come to an understanding that our marriage has had problems for a very long time. Work together through counseling toward a separation plan in which everybody’s needs including our children’s, are addressed.”
This immediately brought Mrs. Rex to tears. The therapist asked Mrs. Rex how she felt about it, she replied: “I think he has lost his mind. I think this all stems from unresolved childhood issues along with untreated anxiety and depression”. She also said “I think the hole in him is so big now there is no way I can fill it”. The Therapist asked Mrs. Rex if it surprised her what I read and how she felt? Mrs. Rex broke down crying and said yes it was a surprise and that she “liked being married”. Notice she didn’t say she liked being married to me.
The therapist asked me how I felt about our sex lives. I stated “Mrs. Rex’s lack of desire makes intimacy feel like a chore, an obligation, and a job. This makes her feel like all I want is sex, all I want as she herself stated is “a piece of ass”! I need to be desired/wanted physically to connect emotionally, spiritually and feel loved. The lack of this impacts my self-esteem and confidence”. I said “It’s basic Maslow’s Hierarchy.”
In response Mrs. Rex changed the subject and said that I was never around, that I never took her anywhere. I quickly replied that I had heard that comment before in one of our fights. I told Mrs. Rex “you said the same thing to me one day when I asked about sex and the funny thing was that I had taken you to the movies that day and you responded that you were mad at me that day and almost didn’t go”.
The therapist stopped her and said I hear your concerns and we will address them but you haven’t responded to what Rex just said. The therapist asked Mrs. Rex if she had heard what I said and if she has desire for sex and if she initiated sex. Mrs. Rex said that she is very shy and can’t initiate sex. She told the therapist that she has no interest in sex right now because of the state of our marriage. I replied that she never has desire for sex with me and I have letters from her where she stated such. What I failed to mention in the heat of the moment was that when we first dated this shy Mrs. Rex initiated sex all the time. In that letter she wrote said that she remembered doing so but that it was new and exciting and she felt so special with me then. I also failed to mention Mrs. Rex telling me years ago that having sex once a month was her top maximum. This was a lie anyway, because years go between reset sex if you can call not touching me with her hands or anything besides laying down and allowing coitus really sex. Oh and also Mrs. Rex telling me those years ago that she doesn’t want to have sex for hours and hours and that she puts it off for as long as possible.
In victim form, she told the therapist that she has sacrificed and been a stay at home mom for our four children so that I could go to college and work long hours and advance my career. I replied that this is statement is unfair. I agreed that I have worked long hours and I did use work and college as a distraction from dealing with our SM issues. But, I have tried to encourage her to go back to college and have said to her that she could go at any time. I completed my bachelors in 2008 and waited 2 years until 2010 to go back for an MBA. I constantly asked her if she was going to go back to college and what she wanted to do. But she had no ambition to go back and didn’t know what she would study if she did.
She did go to training and got a real-estate license but never worked in the industry because of the housing market crash and she got a certificate to be a phlebotomist but couldn’t get hired because of the recession when no one was hiring. Being a stay at home mom is what she wanted to do all her life. She has constantly asked every time I’ve gotten a raise if she can quit her job. She only works part time at barely above minimum wage now. The therapist asked her, so you are very concerned about the financial aspect of a separation. To which Mrs. Rex said “Yes! How am I going to live with no degree on such little money? And I’m not talking about the child support or alimony he will pay. A divorce is great for him, he just got a new job, a promotion and a nice raise!” The therapist replied to my Mrs. Rex that finances are a very valid concern.
Mrs. Rex and I went back and forth about a few who did this, who did that for a while and the therapist finally interrupted and said to us that “saying who did what to whom is not going to resolve anything just lead to more animosity and resentment”. She then said “What we need to focus on is how do we work toward the main goal here which Rex has stated is a separation plan in which everybody’s needs are addressed”. By this time we were reaching the end of our session and the therapist was trying to get Mrs. Rex to agree to come back to another session, to which Mrs. Rex replied “I don’t see the use in it if we aren’t trying to fix the marriage”. I then replied to Mrs. Rex, we need this counseling so that we can communicate and work together for the best interests for our kids”. To which Mrs. Rex replied “Don’t ever tell me or think that I am not acting in the best interest of our kids”! Then she pulls out a letter and says to me “You see this letter, you wrote this letter 8 months into our marriage. It is the same thing, you complaining about our sex life and you say I’m getting fat in it. Well guess what your 17 year old son found this letter in his car (this use to be my car) and your 15 year old daughter has read it to. I’ve known about this since January but they first found it in September”. I looked at the therapist, whose mouth was dropped open, and it is now 5 minutes after the end of our session. In my mind I’m trying to recall this letter and any time in our 25 years together me writing she was fat or even thinking it!!! So I relied to Mrs. Rex, “So you’ve known about this letter since January, you’ve talked to our two oldest about it and I am just now finding out about it? You withheld this from me??!!” She said “Yes we weren’t talking then because we have been fighting and I was saving it for this session when someone else was present”. I was left stunned. I never thought that she would use the kids against me, but she already is. She has talked to them and I have no idea what she has said to them about the letter. Maybe she has told them that I have issues and untreated anxiety and depression like she said to the therapist. The therapist said “If you come back we can start by talking about the letter, but I think that you shouldn’t talk to each other for a few days and then try to communicate and decide if you are coming back”.
In the parking lot I asked Mrs. Rex to let me see the letter but she wouldn’t show it to me and she got in the car and drove off. In reflecting today about it, I remember that I had found an old journal one day in the basement that I had written something in, while I was angry at Mrs. Rex for not wanting and refusing sex early on. I ripped that page out and I think my idea was that I was going to take it to work to shred it because I didn’t want anyone one to see it. It was written in anger by a 25 years old man, who was being refused sex by his new bride. I must have put it in my glove compartment and forgot about it. Unfortunately now my two oldest kids have read it and took it to Mrs. Rex, not to me for an explanation.
Thank you for reading my story. It has been a mentally excruciating few days, “WHERE THE TEETH OF MADNESS JUMP JUMP DANCE AND SING!”
Before the session the therapist had us fill out a questionnaire and the first question was “What do you hope to accomplish through counseling?” There were two differing goals immediately. Mrs. Rex had hope that the marriage could be saved and if so wanted something completely different than our current relationship because she feels that I resent her.
Then I read my answer. “Work through the difficult and painful emotions and come to an understanding that our marriage has had problems for a very long time. Work together through counseling toward a separation plan in which everybody’s needs including our children’s, are addressed.”
This immediately brought Mrs. Rex to tears. The therapist asked Mrs. Rex how she felt about it, she replied: “I think he has lost his mind. I think this all stems from unresolved childhood issues along with untreated anxiety and depression”. She also said “I think the hole in him is so big now there is no way I can fill it”. The Therapist asked Mrs. Rex if it surprised her what I read and how she felt? Mrs. Rex broke down crying and said yes it was a surprise and that she “liked being married”. Notice she didn’t say she liked being married to me.
The therapist asked me how I felt about our sex lives. I stated “Mrs. Rex’s lack of desire makes intimacy feel like a chore, an obligation, and a job. This makes her feel like all I want is sex, all I want as she herself stated is “a piece of ass”! I need to be desired/wanted physically to connect emotionally, spiritually and feel loved. The lack of this impacts my self-esteem and confidence”. I said “It’s basic Maslow’s Hierarchy.”
In response Mrs. Rex changed the subject and said that I was never around, that I never took her anywhere. I quickly replied that I had heard that comment before in one of our fights. I told Mrs. Rex “you said the same thing to me one day when I asked about sex and the funny thing was that I had taken you to the movies that day and you responded that you were mad at me that day and almost didn’t go”.
The therapist stopped her and said I hear your concerns and we will address them but you haven’t responded to what Rex just said. The therapist asked Mrs. Rex if she had heard what I said and if she has desire for sex and if she initiated sex. Mrs. Rex said that she is very shy and can’t initiate sex. She told the therapist that she has no interest in sex right now because of the state of our marriage. I replied that she never has desire for sex with me and I have letters from her where she stated such. What I failed to mention in the heat of the moment was that when we first dated this shy Mrs. Rex initiated sex all the time. In that letter she wrote said that she remembered doing so but that it was new and exciting and she felt so special with me then. I also failed to mention Mrs. Rex telling me years ago that having sex once a month was her top maximum. This was a lie anyway, because years go between reset sex if you can call not touching me with her hands or anything besides laying down and allowing coitus really sex. Oh and also Mrs. Rex telling me those years ago that she doesn’t want to have sex for hours and hours and that she puts it off for as long as possible.
In victim form, she told the therapist that she has sacrificed and been a stay at home mom for our four children so that I could go to college and work long hours and advance my career. I replied that this is statement is unfair. I agreed that I have worked long hours and I did use work and college as a distraction from dealing with our SM issues. But, I have tried to encourage her to go back to college and have said to her that she could go at any time. I completed my bachelors in 2008 and waited 2 years until 2010 to go back for an MBA. I constantly asked her if she was going to go back to college and what she wanted to do. But she had no ambition to go back and didn’t know what she would study if she did.
She did go to training and got a real-estate license but never worked in the industry because of the housing market crash and she got a certificate to be a phlebotomist but couldn’t get hired because of the recession when no one was hiring. Being a stay at home mom is what she wanted to do all her life. She has constantly asked every time I’ve gotten a raise if she can quit her job. She only works part time at barely above minimum wage now. The therapist asked her, so you are very concerned about the financial aspect of a separation. To which Mrs. Rex said “Yes! How am I going to live with no degree on such little money? And I’m not talking about the child support or alimony he will pay. A divorce is great for him, he just got a new job, a promotion and a nice raise!” The therapist replied to my Mrs. Rex that finances are a very valid concern.
Mrs. Rex and I went back and forth about a few who did this, who did that for a while and the therapist finally interrupted and said to us that “saying who did what to whom is not going to resolve anything just lead to more animosity and resentment”. She then said “What we need to focus on is how do we work toward the main goal here which Rex has stated is a separation plan in which everybody’s needs are addressed”. By this time we were reaching the end of our session and the therapist was trying to get Mrs. Rex to agree to come back to another session, to which Mrs. Rex replied “I don’t see the use in it if we aren’t trying to fix the marriage”. I then replied to Mrs. Rex, we need this counseling so that we can communicate and work together for the best interests for our kids”. To which Mrs. Rex replied “Don’t ever tell me or think that I am not acting in the best interest of our kids”! Then she pulls out a letter and says to me “You see this letter, you wrote this letter 8 months into our marriage. It is the same thing, you complaining about our sex life and you say I’m getting fat in it. Well guess what your 17 year old son found this letter in his car (this use to be my car) and your 15 year old daughter has read it to. I’ve known about this since January but they first found it in September”. I looked at the therapist, whose mouth was dropped open, and it is now 5 minutes after the end of our session. In my mind I’m trying to recall this letter and any time in our 25 years together me writing she was fat or even thinking it!!! So I relied to Mrs. Rex, “So you’ve known about this letter since January, you’ve talked to our two oldest about it and I am just now finding out about it? You withheld this from me??!!” She said “Yes we weren’t talking then because we have been fighting and I was saving it for this session when someone else was present”. I was left stunned. I never thought that she would use the kids against me, but she already is. She has talked to them and I have no idea what she has said to them about the letter. Maybe she has told them that I have issues and untreated anxiety and depression like she said to the therapist. The therapist said “If you come back we can start by talking about the letter, but I think that you shouldn’t talk to each other for a few days and then try to communicate and decide if you are coming back”.
In the parking lot I asked Mrs. Rex to let me see the letter but she wouldn’t show it to me and she got in the car and drove off. In reflecting today about it, I remember that I had found an old journal one day in the basement that I had written something in, while I was angry at Mrs. Rex for not wanting and refusing sex early on. I ripped that page out and I think my idea was that I was going to take it to work to shred it because I didn’t want anyone one to see it. It was written in anger by a 25 years old man, who was being refused sex by his new bride. I must have put it in my glove compartment and forgot about it. Unfortunately now my two oldest kids have read it and took it to Mrs. Rex, not to me for an explanation.
Thank you for reading my story. It has been a mentally excruciating few days, “WHERE THE TEETH OF MADNESS JUMP JUMP DANCE AND SING!”
