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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 30, 2017 8:36:17 GMT -5
Friend, perhaps it is an issue that does need more open communication? I can see where someone could get confused in your previous statement. On one side, your an overprotective mother, who cares about the well being of children. Then on the other, I don't discuss my kids, that's too nosy. Someone could easily mis-communicate that to mean, klds are a hastle, I never wanted them, I am a terrible mother,and don't like any responsability, and I will discard you as quickly as I discard them, so lets have sex only, and fill my needs only. Fortunately many of us on here know better about you, due to more communication! All said with love and respect. I understand your point but I don't tell them I think they are being nosy. I just say that I don't discuss my children with strangers. That's what these men are - strangers. When we first start communicating we are strangers. We have not even met. What's the point in asking about someone's kids if you don't even know each other. It's almost like a gut feeling I get that they have a hidden agenda. Even on a first date I don't want to share much information about my kids other than ages, and schedules because the person should want to get to know about me. I had a date this past Tuesday night. We went to a nice restaurant, drank wine, had appetizers, talked for a couple of hours. He asked me out for this Friday. We talked about history, art, music, movies, our careers, traveling. Asked each other lots of questions to get to know each other better. The only question I asked him about his son was his age. Seems like a very good approach. For me being a stay at home dad for 18 yrs., and having a large, diverse family, It is a big part of who I am. Not discussing it when talking about myself would seem like I am hiding something. Like my teens are extra baggage. Plus I have a fear that I will fall like a rock in water for someone else's kids, who need a father figure. Not anywhere close to figuring out how I am going to handle that one ,in the future!! (don't get me started on someone who needs me financially!) It's something that I would want to treat both ways. 1) get it out in the open,. 2) Get it off the table as quickly as possible and lets share the good about each other, even if that means discussing experiences, or stories involving the family, because that's who I am. To be worn like medals of honor, not shame. Granted I have much to learn!! |
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 30, 2017 8:38:12 GMT -5
I would say it is to show themselves as normal adult males that should not give any cause for worry. A lot of the women my age on POF post shots of themselves with their grandchildren. It doesn't worry me but it baffles me just because I feel like it's a violation of the child's rights to be on an app that is not for children and anyone in the world can see them that is using the app. I'm probably just an overprotective mother. I don't mind a man that asks if I have children or how old they are or what weekends I have them. But some men have been creepy and said things like "I hope I can care about your kids and you some day" and they didn't even meet me yet. Needless to say they never did meet me. I will tell them straight up that I don't discuss my kids if they get too nosy. It's just weird. The subtext here is obviously the cynical and unlikely suspicion that men are using a dating app as a pretext for pedophiliac predation (I'm sure there would be easier opportunities if one was so pathologically inclined). It makes me sad. Women commonly post pics of themselves with their children, posing themselves in the context of family values, and the possibility that anyone who becomes a part of their lives is also going to take on the responsibility of becoming part of their children's lives if things work out. Why not grasp that up front? I have also had a person I met say something akin to "I hope I can care about your kids and you some day". Rather than assuming she was a predator, I took her awkward statement to mean that she viewed my children as a possible opportunity for joy rather than as an impediment, and perhaps an earnest and clumsy eagerness to demonstrate that up front. I find it pretty normal on dates - in fact - a great icebreaker - to be asked about my kids and to ask about kids when I'm out with a parent. Maybe not the first thing, but it's certainly not unusual. And I've been chastised on a second date for never mentioning my kids, as in "What kind of father wouldn't mention his kids?", so they've got you coming and going. I suspect, very often, it's my date projecting her own family issues and wreckage from the divorce. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 30, 2017 8:47:00 GMT -5
It didn't baffle me about showing pics with kids until this discussion LOL.
I took it to be showing they've got kids. I'm not that interested in dating someone with young kids. So I swipe left depending on how young the chilluns appear.
But even New Guy - he didn't mention his daughter on the app & shes 15, & that could be fine ... but now what I have heard of her sounds like she's a moody tyrant & that NG is kind of an enabling chicken when she throws a fit. It's weird!
I'm not looking for a family dynamic relationship myself. Great if you have kids & I do hope you respect them as whole people, but MOSTLY, I will generally be interested in how they affect our schedules. After some dating, then I may care about their favorite color or what sport they play or whatever. But the primary focus at the first will definitely be do you & I hit it off. Because if that base isn't even there, then your kids are a nonissue anyway.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 30, 2017 8:47:56 GMT -5
I believe the phrase "strong woman" evokes (or ismeant to) 2 things - no way of telling which is reality though. 1) I have actual opinions. I will not apologize for them. I have apologized my whole life for being female & having opinions & I am DONE with that crap. If you expect me to dress a certain way or act a certain way - save time & go to hell now. 2) I wish I was like number one above, so I'm going to keep repeating it until I believe it. I am codependent spineless jellyfish who will ingratiate myself in your life & then blame you for my unhappiness. Ok - it could really mean a lot more "shades" in between those extremes. People tell me all the time how "strong" I am but I find they usually mean resilient- that despite what troubles I've had or faced, I insist on keeping my joy, sharing it too, I try my best to not hold grudges or be bitter. I think a lot of women do find that owning their opinions results in taking crap off others. So I think MOST of the time, having this in a dating profile is a way to say "I am what I am & I won't change that" Frequently on FB, I see my women friends having a luncheon with other women, referencing their other "strong" women friends. They are having lunch. Can you imagine if I posted that I was having burgers with "Five strong men"? Having opinions, I think, is just being a cognizant adult with experience in the world. When someone refers to herself as "strong" for simply being an adult and being a baseline normal person, I immediately think them as overcompensating - likely number 2. I think that anyone holding to their opinion through conflict can result in taking crap - not just women. That's normal too. I do occassionally see people literally write "I am what I am and if you don't like it, take a hike" - which often strikes me as being aggressive and uncurious (but good to know when filtering). I frequently change my opinion and behavior based on evidence. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 30, 2017 9:10:02 GMT -5
It didn't baffle me about showing pics with kids until this discussion LOL. I took it to be showing they've got kids. I'm not that interested in dating someone with young kids. So I swipe left depending on how young the chilluns appear. But even New Guy - he didn't mention his daughter on the app & shes 15, & that could be fine ... but now what I have heard of her sounds like she's a moody tyrant & that NG is kind of an enabling chicken when she throws a fit. It's weird! I'm not looking for a family dynamic relationship myself. Great if you have kids & I do hope you respect them as whole people, but MOSTLY, I will generally be interested in how they affect our schedules. After some dating, then I may care about their favorite color or what sport they play or whatever. But the primary focus at the first will definitely be do you & I hit it off. Because if that base isn't even there, then your kids are a nonissue anyway. That's exactly how I feel. Until we get to that point where it's exclusive then what's the point of bringing kids into the picture. I do not date men when I have my kids. I do not discuss my dating with my kids though my son knows I have gone out with men but he knows nothing about them. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 30, 2017 9:14:34 GMT -5
I believe the phrase "strong woman" evokes (or ismeant to) 2 things - no way of telling which is reality though. 1) I have actual opinions. I will not apologize for them. I have apologized my whole life for being female & having opinions & I am DONE with that crap. If you expect me to dress a certain way or act a certain way - save time & go to hell now. 2) I wish I was like number one above, so I'm going to keep repeating it until I believe it. I am codependent spineless jellyfish who will ingratiate myself in your life & then blame you for my unhappiness. Ok - it could really mean a lot more "shades" in between those extremes. People tell me all the time how "strong" I am but I find they usually mean resilient- that despite what troubles I've had or faced, I insist on keeping my joy, sharing it too, I try my best to not hold grudges or be bitter. I think a lot of women do find that owning their opinions results in taking crap off others. So I think MOST of the time, having this in a dating profile is a way to say "I am what I am & I won't change that" Frequently on FB, I see my women friends having a luncheon with other women, referencing their other "strong" women friends. They are having lunch. Can you imagine if I posted that I was having burgers with "Five strong men"? Having opinions, I think, is just being a cognizant adult with experience in the world. When someone refers to herself as "strong" for simply being an adult and being a baseline normal person, I immediately think them as overcompensating - likely number 2. I think that anyone holding to their opinion through conflict can result in taking crap - not just women. That's normal too. I do occassionally see people literally write "I am what I am and if you don't like it, take a hike" - which often strikes me as being aggressive and uncurious (but good to know when filtering). I frequently change my opinion and behavior based on evidence. I agree with you. I'm not a fan of posting my life on FB. As well I'm not a braggart look at me type. I'm very take it or leave it as well, this is who I am, I'm an open book about myself and we either get along or we don't. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 30, 2017 9:15:20 GMT -5
Baffles me that men post pics of themselves with their young children. I also have two other pics. of me on line. fakebook, and a sight where I display my paintings. In one I am holding my dog (fakebook) the other I am holding my daughter (8yrs ago, when I started painting) The one of me and my daughter begins with "Married, father of six". Nothing to hide there! Several of my paintings were of my kids. That's where it stayed, talking about art, and paintings. Never has there been any hits on me for dating, or any perverted comments about my kids. At an art festival I did have a woman ask me if I paint nude portraits? (I told her I wear my clothes when I'm painting) Her male friend was with her, I told her, "no, I never have, that would be difficult since I paint from home with my 6 kids there, and I carry my paintings to school functions and work on them". It's never occurred to me that I was exploiting my daughter, or needed her permission. If anything the other kids might be jealous that there not in the picture too? I will be deleting the married part ASAP and probably post a single pic. of me working on a painting, (fully clothed, LOL!) |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 30, 2017 9:22:21 GMT -5
It doesn't worry me but it baffles me just because I feel like it's a violation of the child's rights to be on an app that is not for children and anyone in the world can see them that is using the app. I'm probably just an overprotective mother. I don't mind a man that asks if I have children or how old they are or what weekends I have them. But some men have been creepy and said things like "I hope I can care about your kids and you some day" and they didn't even meet me yet. Needless to say they never did meet me. I will tell them straight up that I don't discuss my kids if they get too nosy. It's just weird. The subtext here is obviously the cynical and unlikely suspicion that men are using a dating app as a pretext for pedophiliac predation (I'm sure there would be easier opportunities if one was so pathologically inclined). It makes me sad. Women commonly post pics of themselves with their children, posing themselves in the context of family values, and the possibility that anyone who becomes a part of their lives is also going to take on the responsibility of becoming part of their children's lives if things work out. Why not grasp that up front? I have also had a person I met say something akin to "I hope I can care about your kids and you some day". Rather than assuming she was a predator, I took her awkward statement to mean that she viewed my children as a possible opportunity for joy rather than as an impediment, and perhaps an earnest and clumsy eagerness to demonstrate that up front. I find it pretty normal on dates - in fact - a great icebreaker - to be asked about my kids and to ask about kids when I'm out with a parent. Maybe not the first thing, but it's certainly not unusual. And I've been chastised on a second date for never mentioning my kids, as in "What kind of father wouldn't mention his kids?", so they've got you coming and going. I suspect, very often, it's my date projecting her own family issues and wreckage from the divorce. For me personally it's not a pedophile fear with me. For me it's a trust issue where men will say things or move too quickly and when I say hidden agenda I'm thinking more along the lines of widowers that want a mother for their kids, men that are thinking maybe I get a decent amount of child support plus I work and have a decent job so maybe they want to latch on to a gravy train. I just have trust issues. My ex told me he loved me after one week and asked me to marry him after a month of knowing each other. I was 18 he was 26 he played me like a fool and I fell for it however I did love him we were madly in love and I didn't say yes to his first proposal I said yes to his second a year later and we were married for 23 years, 13 that were celibate after the kids showed up. I just have trust issues but I in no way fear the pedophile thing because they would never meet my kids so soon. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 30, 2017 9:28:28 GMT -5
Baffles me that men post pics of themselves with their young children. I also have two other pics. of me on line. fakebook, and a sight where I display my paintings. In one I am holding my dog (fakebook) the other I am holding my daughter (8yrs ago, when I started painting) The one of me and my daughter begins with "Married, father of six". Nothing to hide there! Several of my paintings were of my kids. That's where it stayed, talking about art, and paintings. Never has there been any hits on me for dating, or any perverted comments about my kids. At an art festival I did have a woman ask me if I paint nude portraits? (I told her I wear my clothes when I'm painting) Her male friend was with her, I told her, "no, I never have, that would be difficult since I paint from home with my 6 kids there, and I carry my paintings to school functions and work on them". It's never occurred to me that I was exploiting my daughter, or needed her permission. If anything the other kids might be jealous that there not in the picture too? I will be deleting the married part ASAP and probably post a single pic. of me working on a painting, (fully clothed, LOL!) That's different than Tinder, POF where the picture of your child is on a site that has a reputation for hooking up and casual sex. Maybe it's just a personal thing but I don't want a picture of my children on Tinder. My son will be in high school next year and I teach high school and I know there are high school kids that access these apps for fun. I would feel bad for my son if one of his friends showed him a picture of himself standing next to me on the app. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 30, 2017 9:46:59 GMT -5
I also have two other pics. of me on line. fakebook, and a sight where I display my paintings. In one I am holding my dog (fakebook) the other I am holding my daughter (8yrs ago, when I started painting) The one of me and my daughter begins with "Married, father of six". Nothing to hide there! Several of my paintings were of my kids. That's where it stayed, talking about art, and paintings. Never has there been any hits on me for dating, or any perverted comments about my kids. At an art festival I did have a woman ask me if I paint nude portraits? (I told her I wear my clothes when I'm painting) Her male friend was with her, I told her, "no, I never have, that would be difficult since I paint from home with my 6 kids there, and I carry my paintings to school functions and work on them". It's never occurred to me that I was exploiting my daughter, or needed her permission. If anything the other kids might be jealous that there not in the picture too? I will be deleting the married part ASAP and probably post a single pic. of me working on a painting, (fully clothed, LOL!) That's different than Tinder, POF where the picture of your child is on a site that has a reputation for hooking up and casual sex. Maybe it's just a personal thing but I don't want a picture of my children on Tinder. My son will be in high school next year and I teach high school and I know there are high school kids that access these apps for fun. I would feel bad for my son if one of his friends showed him a picture of himself standing next to me on the app. Great communication, (I bet we could talk for hours LOL!) that's a useful, helpful explanation. Many a man would think the same thing. You could get it on the table, and off the table ASAP, and on to more important things! |
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 30, 2017 9:55:04 GMT -5
when I say hidden agenda I'm thinking more along the lines of widowers that want a mother for their kids, men that are thinking maybe I get a decent amount of child support plus I work and have a decent job so maybe they want to latch on to a gravy train. I just have trust issues. The self-awareness can be helpful. While I imagine such people exist, I highly doubt they are the norm. Most divorced men still have a mother for their kids, and most are paying child support. I've engaged with a number of women online and on dates who clearly hate men. Their activism and incredible beliefs establishing this are laid out in detail in their profiles. And yet, they are on a dating site. I've been seriously asked on the second hour of what had been a really nice first date if I drugged my partner's drink when she went to the washroom. I offered to switch her drink with mine, but I was checked out after that. I would assume that the kind of men who would persevere through such hostility would be those whose relationship goals don't depend on mutual respect, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 30, 2017 9:57:17 GMT -5
That's different than Tinder, POF where the picture of your child is on a site that has a reputation for hooking up and casual sex. Maybe it's just a personal thing but I don't want a picture of my children on Tinder. My son will be in high school next year and I teach high school and I know there are high school kids that access these apps for fun. I would feel bad for my son if one of his friends showed him a picture of himself standing next to me on the app. Great communication, (I bet we could talk for hours LOL!) that's a useful, helpful explanation. Many a man would think the same thing. You could get it on the table, and off the table ASAP, and on to more important things! Exactly like each other. Getting to know each other better. Cultivating the possibility for a future relationship and figuring out if the two of you are compatible. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 30, 2017 10:06:23 GMT -5
Apocrypha - I agree with your assessment that having an opinion is just a genderless attribute of being an adult. I think women do tend to have a lot of chips on our shoulders about standing up for ourselves and that "5 strong women" reference is a (not that subtle) ploy to say, leave us the hell alone (in the most positively framed way they can think to say it). And absolutely - a lot of what a dating site asks us to distill into a few sentences can be read to the positive OR the negative! I have tried Match to find a date - believing it would lead to a more serious candidate. I didn't like my results there so I quit paying for it. Then I tried Tinder, hoping for hook-up sex. I have found one person on that site, who I happened to already know a teeny amount. That has been good. But one thing I am finding is that I'm not exactly "good" at hook-up sex. I wish I was! (Back in late teens & early 20's, I quite was - so this news is surprising me) But for real - I know it's a hook-up site and not a dating site, so much. When we have had sex, though, it makes me feel stuff (emotions!). And I realize that isn't hoped for on his part (at least that is what I believe). Journey of self-discovery continues.
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 30, 2017 10:07:56 GMT -5
when I say hidden agenda I'm thinking more along the lines of widowers that want a mother for their kids, men that are thinking maybe I get a decent amount of child support plus I work and have a decent job so maybe they want to latch on to a gravy train. I just have trust issues. The self-awareness can be helpful. While I imagine such people exist, I highly doubt they are the norm. Most divorced men still have a mother for their kids, and most are paying child support. I've engaged with a number of women online and on dates who clearly hate men. Their activism and incredible beliefs establishing this are laid out in detail in their profiles. And yet, they are on a dating site. I've been seriously asked on the second hour of what had been a really nice first date if I drugged my partner's drink when she went to the washroom. I offered to switch her drink with mine, but I was checked out after that. I would assume that the kind of men who would persevere through such hostility would be those whose relationship goals don't depend on mutual respect, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Wow what a crazy date. Talk about paranoid! I agree they are not the norm but for whatever reason I seem to attract the widowers and the men in the military that are overseas. So I have learned to ask lots of questions or even men that have poor English grammar, like they are writing broken English and I suspect they are looking for a green card. My profile pics are very sweet and innocent looking so I've been told by a man just last week. Of course he told me this after I asked him the size of his dick and if he likes to eat pussy. I had no intentions of ever meeting him but I was enjoying some sexual anonymous banter. Another man that took me out told me I was the first normal woman he met on the app. Anyway my point is I think I look very innocent and naive and there was a time I was but that girl learned a lot of lessons from her 23 year marriage. So I'm guarded in some ways but I'm very open to a casual thing and if it leads to something serious I'm open to that but I haven't found a man that wants what I want. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 30, 2017 11:11:44 GMT -5
What baffles me are the odds. The number of men v's women. I have glanced at Craig list, just to educate myself on how crazy it might be. It looks crazy!
Especially the dick pics and the MWM. It sets you back a few steps, takes the wind out of your sails. I am not going to post one. However when looking at my slender body at my age I do have to wonder, what would a photo of me showing mostly my torso really say about "who I am". It's really freakin' confusing! Especially when all you know is to be as honest as possible.
I was telling my pastor the other day, our church has a singles group, ages 18-30, I could be their dad! In fact some of my boys can go there. After one service, everyone's rushing off to make room for the next one, or racing home. How am I going to meet someone at my age?
Then your told "It'll all work out, there's a lot of ladies here". Then I think, it's going to take a miracle to get the word out though.
On a side note: The other morning I am standing in the church parking lot, discussing my divorce with another man two years older me , who also went through a divorce. A shiny new pick up pulls into the parking lot. The woman driving it is quite upset. One of the families who attends the church lost there 14 month old last week. I worked the funeral. She wanted to leave a donation, and had never been to this church. I Immediately said, "no ones here yet do you need to go, it's going to be another hour? I'm having lunch with the pastor, would you trust me to take care of it for you?"
She did. She left me a blank check to make a donation to the family with an amount written in. After she left my friend said, "you've got woman who don't even know you, coming up to you, in an empty parking lot, and handing you money, with their name and address on it!!Did you see the chrome on her bumbers!! you'll have no problem!!"
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