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Post by lyn on Mar 14, 2017 15:26:17 GMT -5
Probably 3 weeks or so ago, after attempting to "reset" me three nights in a row, my H finally spoke. He asked, "What's wrong with you?" My terse response was, "There's nothing wrong with me. However, I'm not interested in having sex with you at this point, and, can't imagine ever wanting to have sex with you again". (Not unkind - just the truth - my tone was normal / calm)
At this, he said nothing and semi ignored me for a few days. Then, my mom arrived for a 2.5 week visit. We were forced into "sharing" the master again as my mom took over what had become the H's room.
By this time, my H was talking to me again. NOT trying to reset me, and also had stopped leaving me the little "love" notes on the counter every morning. So, it seemed progress had been made. Maybe he was beginning to detach - realize what a sucky marriage we have. Yes, this seemed like progress.
Skip to about a week ago, and my mom innocently shared with my H that I'm planning to leave - and we should work on our issues. I posted about this - maybe it rings a bell. After hearing this from my mom one morning before work, my H greeted me in my room, before I'd actually gotten up, simply saying that he'd had an interesting conversation with my mom and gave me a weird peck on the forehead, then went to work.
He basically acted normal for a few days - a little bit "off" but pretty normal.
So, I went out of town for a few days - leaving my H home alone with my dog. When I returned (without mom - left her with a relative where we were visiting), he didn't speak more than a few words to me for two days. No love notes, no change in bank balance, I just thought he was processing.
Yesterday he started the day with grabbing me into a full on hug - telling me how much he missed me when I was away. God, it was so awkward. I stood there and said thanks.
This morning, I woke up to a new love note on the counter. Asking me on a date for this weekend - with an actual plan included. Written in red ink - a couple of hearts even.
I am at a loss. Not completely surprised that he's making last ditch efforts - more surprised at my reaction. This goddam letter has really thrown me - has made me feel some sadness or something that I wasn't expecting.
I am leaving - have been planning this exit to take place in about 5 months. This isn't changing. I just don't understand why this stupid little thing has kind of messed with my head.
Two steps forward - three steps back.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 14, 2017 15:37:59 GMT -5
Oh god lyn. I know how you feel. They do this shit because they know we'll feel sorry for them. Decline. Explain you are beyond wanting romance from him. He is too late. This is hard. I know. I'm still bobbing around in the same waters you are  Keep your resolve girl. Xxx |
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Post by lyn on Mar 14, 2017 15:48:27 GMT -5
Thanks eternaloptimism - I know that you're right. Thing is, if I decline this kind of "stuff" like this date, then I won't be able to carry-on for 5 more months - because he'll get too pissy - I won't be able "deal" with it I don't think. I don't want to encourage him just get along because that seems cruel. He will never be successful at resetting me. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking the 5 month planned date is basically not going to happen. I have some stupid, almost selfish reasons for wanting to drag it out for that time period. Guess the question at this point is, am I willing to, kind of, prostitute my ethics for the next 5 months? That's what it comes down to I think. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 14, 2017 15:58:18 GMT -5
I'm very sorry he is putting you through all of this confusion.
He's resetting you in different ways so that his life doesn't change because he obviously had the marriage he wanted.
He's probably also hoping your kindness will be a weakness so he can keep the status quo.
It's ok to empathize for him because he will be sad, but that's just an emotion and emotions change.
Focus on yourself and what you want for yourself. If you want to go on the date night then go, if you don't then don't.
Hugs
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Post by lyn on Mar 14, 2017 16:05:16 GMT -5
I'm very sorry he is putting you through all of this confusion. He's resetting you in different ways so that his life doesn't change because he obviously had the marriage he wanted. He's probably also hoping your kindness will be a weakness so he can keep the status quo. It's ok to empathize for him because he will be sad, but that's just an emotion and emotions change. Focus on yourself and what you want for yourself. If you want to go on the date night then go, if you don't then don't. Hugs I think he is just trying to reset in many different ways - I've always been too nice to him - have been instrumental in perpetuating a lot of his behavior that I can no longer tolerate. I do see my role in this and also realize I tend to over think things. Your advice to just focus on what I want is something I think I needed to hear again - needed this reminder. Thank you! Xx |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 14, 2017 16:41:03 GMT -5
lyn - this does suck. I don't even believe they always know they are doing these manipulative things - it sometimes felt like my Ex would "be charming" out of instinct when he sensed uncomfortable distance, didn't know where I was coming from, etc. It wasn't his "plan" to win me back or get me "happy" - it was more like an animal thing to get the control back into "default position" with me doing/acting how HE was used to me being. I'm sorry about the red ink, the hearts, even the fact that your mom said whatever it was she said and HE isn't willing to now bring it up to discuss it like two grown adults who respect each other would actually find a way to do. Date night? I would probably go - with my "laboratory brain" mindset. Observe his behavior, see where he subtly does things (anything but sex, keep in mind) that are intended to provoke an "acceptable" response from you (as if he in charge of what is acceptable). The thing is - if this was going where you wanted it to go, then it would be all teary, messy, some yelling - anything to show actual passion. What he has chosen instead is a very clean, dry, on-the-surface thing that "seems right" but it doesn't have HEART behind it, no matter the cute graffiti scattered on the note. I may be WAY off-base. These comments are more centered in my own thinking and relate more directly to my Ex - they aren't from knowing your STBX and how you two are together. So if this perspective helps, well good. And if it does not - just ignore my projecting. In any case - bballgirl's advice to do what YOU want to do is right on. And keep doing that - be it for 5 months because you have your reasons, or changing that to less time if you decide that's what you want. Take care of you and you'll be on the right path!
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 14, 2017 17:15:13 GMT -5
Me too. Same space. I have become the uncontested Refuser now. I refused reset sex and refusing all acts of intimacy. IT is 100% on me. I don't care. I am being honest with my heart.
Yes, I remember your post about Your M spilling the beans and the importance or not of keeping limited people "in the know."
The "SITUATIONAL AWARENESS" is highly noteworthy - subtle changes in behavior - what your H knows or thinks he knows, what you know he knows, how he is reacting.
I do NOT get any of these Spouses. If I was really in love with my W and she was acting like I am towards her, I would demand a confrontration / bring things no drag it all out in the open and directly confront it.
Now I think a lot of this subtle little manipulations - whether the little note for "date night" or my W watching her laptop in bed stroking my arm like I am the freaking cat . . . and all the while Ice Cold stance. I don't understand. Is not love supposed to be about Passion about expressing your feelings, taking a stand, throwing your pride off and taking chances at your heart's peril. Well apparently not, it is little things - "sticky" things - I probably am not making sense, because these situations just defy logic to me. I do not understand any of this at all, it just is like this. It is no good that is all I know.
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Post by baza on Mar 14, 2017 17:39:10 GMT -5
You are on your way to the exit Sister lyn. Your mothers rather careless gaffe has hastened this process, but has NOT altered it. YOU know what YOU are doing. What your spouse is doing is a sidebar to the main game - which is what YOU are doing. YOU have no control over what tactics he adopts to try and halt YOUR process. What you DO have control over is how you respond to his tactics. You can either engage him at his preferred level, and go on date night etc if you so choose, or you can respectfully decline to engage him in his preferred tactics. Without knowing the full circumstances of your exit strategy and the original timing there-of, it reads like Mums gaffe potentially speeds up the exit plan and date. And if that's the situation, it is very hard to make a case that engaging him at the level he has in mind has much going for it, for you. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Mar 14, 2017 18:29:34 GMT -5
lyn I am not sure what insight I can add here, but if the issue now is not being able to stomach his behavior for 5 more months, then why do it? Will the reason for waiting outweigh the stress of staying? What ever your answer is I hope you find peace with it. Good luck.
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Post by unmatched on Mar 14, 2017 18:56:48 GMT -5
It does sound like your mom has buggered up your plans quite badly! If he now knows you want out then you have to either let him 'try' for 5 months, which does seem a bit like unnecessary cruelty, or you have to make it a mutual process and it doesn't sound like he is going to be able (or want) to deal with that. How important is the 5 month schedule?
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 14, 2017 19:54:59 GMT -5
I'd be racing with emotional confusion right now, if I were in your shoes! Personally I would be ticked off that the news of you leaving did not open the door for a big why? And what do you want from me to try to help correct things, conversation. Sounds like you are having a "light bulb" moment of what that tells you.
Instead it sounds like manipulative tactics going on with a whole lot of denial on his part.
Personally I am discovering that a time plan can easily get strung out longer than expected when involving the legal system. With it can come some very unexpected actions of retaliation by a controller who is faced with loosing their control. Happy to hear anyone else who had the opposite happen. So, if this is true, you could get closer to your 5 month plan by starting things, today?
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Post by lyn on Mar 14, 2017 19:58:30 GMT -5
lyn - this does suck. I don't even believe they always know they are doing these manipulative things - it sometimes felt like my Ex would "be charming" out of instinct when he sensed uncomfortable distance, didn't know where I was coming from, etc. It wasn't his "plan" to win me back or get me "happy" - it was more like an animal thing to get the control back into "default position" with me doing/acting how HE was used to me being. I'm sorry about the red ink, the hearts, even the fact that your mom said whatever it was she said and HE isn't willing to now bring it up to discuss it like two grown adults who respect each other would actually find a way to do. Date night? I would probably go - with my "laboratory brain" mindset. Observe his behavior, see where he subtly does things (anything but sex, keep in mind) that are intended to provoke an "acceptable" response from you (as if he in charge of what is acceptable). The thing is - if this was going where you wanted it to go, then it would be all teary, messy, some yelling - anything to show actual passion. What he has chosen instead is a very clean, dry, on-the-surface thing that "seems right" but it doesn't have HEART behind it, no matter the cute graffiti scattered on the note. I may be WAY off-base. These comments are more centered in my own thinking and relate more directly to my Ex - they aren't from knowing your STBX and how you two are together. So if this perspective helps, well good. And if it does not - just ignore my projecting. In any case - bballgirl's advice to do what YOU want to do is right on. And keep doing that - be it for 5 months because you have your reasons, or changing that to less time if you decide that's what you want. Take care of you and you'll be on the right path! You're so on the money here GeekGoddess it's almost scary. Thanks so much Xx |
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Post by lyn on Mar 14, 2017 20:13:12 GMT -5
So..... kind of a pivotal moment for me (maybe, but, maybe not). I'm not going on this stupid date.
In all honesty, by going, I would be playing to him. By going, I would be tending to the facade.
I'm a sucker for a music festival (which is the "date"), but, sorry to sound glib, but, I'm done being a sucker.
Let the chips fall where they may I guess.
The 5 month timeframe is fairly arbitrary I suppose. Just have wanted to go on this 3 month summer trip that we've been going on for 14 years. Honestly, wanted to pick up my hiking - kayaking gear. So dumb. That stuff can be replaced. Way harder to replace self respect.
New exit timeframe I'm thinking.
I do appreciate the input and words of wisdom guys.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 14, 2017 20:55:09 GMT -5
These re-set manipulations, and red love notes remind me of a certain "signed document!" Only as good as the toilet paper it's written on!
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Post by Dan on Mar 14, 2017 22:58:38 GMT -5
Thanks eternaloptimism - I know that you're right. Thing is, if I decline this kind of "stuff" like this date, then I won't be able to carry-on for 5 more months - because he'll get too pissy - I won't be able "deal" with it I don't think. I don't want to encourage him just get along because that seems cruel. He will never be successful at resetting me. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking the 5 month planned date is basically not going to happen. I have some stupid, almost selfish reasons for wanting to drag it out for that time period. Guess the question at this point is, am I willing to, kind of, prostitute my ethics for the next 5 months? That's what it comes down to I think. I very much understand; my situation is parallel, but I'm doing the uncannily difficult thing of trying to "keep the peace" for a few more YEARS before I go! (Who knows; my time frame may shorten... but we have a wedding, a funeral, a graduation, and an Eagle Scout ceremony all happening in the next few months... and I REALLY want to keep the boat from rocking while I get through all that.) Listen, if you have to make a decision between "go on the date/play along" or rebuff/reject him, there MIGHT be a middle path: basically redirect him. That is speak honestly about your distance enough to get him to turn it down a few notches: "I'm just not that comfortable being lovey dovey with you right now. So ease up on the little hearts. If you want to go to the such-an-such this weekend, OK, sounds nice, but lets just enjoy the day, and not make a big deal about it." Or, I dunno -- something along those lines. Now this might just as well be selfish in the sense that you are still possibly misleading him; hinting that his best way to "win you back" is to notch it down a bit... even if that has zero chance of working. But either way you are stringing him on a bit, and there is a benefit to everybody playing nice until the time is right to let him know the cord is being cut.... right? In case it isn't obvious: I'M fighting that very same sense of "is 'keeping the peace' and 'playing nice' actually being selfish/dishonest with my wife?" While I have pangs of worry that it is... I still think it is the best course of action at this time. |
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