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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 24, 2017 18:30:43 GMT -5
Agreed, it would be enough to passify me. You also didn't list Cunnilingus and cake on April 14. Can we throw in oral both giving and receiving a few more times. Ha! I googled it, learn something new everyday but according to Urban Dictionary it's March 21st. I think April 14th is a better date and I think the 14th of every month should be some sort of sinfully sexual scenario. And yes when it comes to oral, giving and receiving is to be expected. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 24, 2017 18:32:10 GMT -5
Ha! I googled it, learn something new everyday but according to Urban Dictionary it's March 21st. I think April 14th is a better date and I think the 14th of every month should be some sort of sinfully sexual scenario. And yes when it comes to oral, giving and receiving is to be expected. Yay!! It should be the 14th! |
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Post by unmatched on Mar 24, 2017 21:17:18 GMT -5
I love Brussel sprouts on special occasions, they are a must with Christmas dinner and I can't imagine the day without them. So to change the conversation slightly what if you spouse went all out sexually, on special occasions and rocked your world, birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, StV day etc would that be enough? I am not sure. If they went all out for it - totally engaged, intimate, passionate, really into you - 6 or even 10 times a year and then just shut it all off the rest of the time, wouldn't that fuck your head up completely? |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2017 1:15:07 GMT -5
I love Brussel sprouts on special occasions, they are a must with Christmas dinner and I can't imagine the day without them. So to change the conversation slightly what if you spouse went all out sexually, on special occasions and rocked your world, birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, StV day etc would that be enough? I am not sure. If they went all out for it - totally engaged, intimate, passionate, really into you - 6 or even 10 times a year and then just shut it all off the rest of the time, wouldn't that fuck your head up completely? You mean more than they fuck with our heads now 😳 |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2017 2:52:49 GMT -5
By the way we are all here because on some level we thought our spouse would desire us again ..... and we should always tell the new people coming in believing it's a possibility that it's not
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 25, 2017 7:02:31 GMT -5
By the way we are all here because on some level we thought our spouse would desire us again ..... and we should always tell the new people coming in believing it's a possibility that it's not Good point and I didn't leave until I know longer desired him. In the future if I'm ever in a relationship again and a man gets to lazy to be intimate then he will be cut out of my life very quickly. And he will know that I won't tolerate a lack of intimacy as well. Communication is key. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Mar 25, 2017 7:41:40 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure that my partner never desired me. Not sure if she ever desired anyone, actually. How I managed to think that this is my issue for 20+ years is now a mystery.
Which brings me to the question: how many of us have partners who don't desire us because they are incapable of or unwilling to desire anyone? Like more than asexuality, just no use for people at all unless they perform acts of service?
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 25, 2017 8:15:16 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure that my partner never desired me. Not sure if she ever desired anyone, actually. How I managed to think that this is my issue for 20+ years is now a mystery. Which brings me to the question: how many of us have partners who don't desire us because they are incapable of or unwilling to desire anyone? Like more than asexuality, just no use for people at all unless they perform acts of service? I really believe my ex is intimacy averse. I'm not sure exactly what his sexuality is all about but if I had to guess I'd say he was porn addicted and couldn't get off with a real woman in a real relationship. However what made him very excited was when I cooked and cleaned and had a nice meal prepared for him, so yes acts of service was what made him feel loved. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 27, 2017 8:23:02 GMT -5
By the way we are all here because on some level we thought our spouse would desire us again ..... and we should always tell the new people coming in believing it's a possibility that it's not Good point and I didn't leave until I know longer desired him. In the future if I'm ever in a relationship again and a man gets to lazy to be intimate then he will be cut out of my life very quickly. And he will know that I won't tolerate a lack of intimacy as well. Communication is key. I'm hoping to get where you are on this, bballgirl. With new guy, I have an eerie echo I'm noticing that his daughter & mom & exwife all have these huge chunks of time & default priority. It's not like we are dating- I get that, or I think I get it. But I'm starting to try to quantify if I want to hang with the feeling of "I'll get sex when WE can fit it in" all the while realizing the undercurrent is he is really setting our schedule, not the both of us. I'm not unhappy about it yet - I'm in the theory-development stage of these thoughts. Will go on to observing now, examining whether these are accurate perceptions or not. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 27, 2017 10:28:23 GMT -5
Good point and I didn't leave until I know longer desired him. In the future if I'm ever in a relationship again and a man gets to lazy to be intimate then he will be cut out of my life very quickly. And he will know that I won't tolerate a lack of intimacy as well. Communication is key. I'm hoping to get where you are on this, bballgirl. With new guy, I have an eerie echo I'm noticing that his daughter & mom & exwife all have these huge chunks of time & default priority. It's not like we are dating- I get that, or I think I get it. But I'm starting to try to quantify if I want to hang with the feeling of "I'll get sex when WE can fit it in" all the while realizing the undercurrent is he is really setting our schedule, not the both of us. I'm not unhappy about it yet - I'm in the theory-development stage of these thoughts. Will go on to observing now, examining whether these are accurate perceptions or not. I get what you are saying I really do. I think there is a definite hookup culture that now is more popular than ever. I think a lot of men bought the cow and they are still paying for it so they have the mentality that I never want to buy a cow again but I'll test drive a few every now and then. In your case and I'm just speculating, new guy is definitely just a FWB. I have a FWB with my married guy that I outsourced with. We get together for the purpose of sex. We have fun, interesting and intellectual conversation in between rounds and I enjoy that too. The sex is great! I'm so comfortable with him too. He knows I'm dating and so FWB serves a purpose to help meet my sexual needs and sort of keep me from sleeping with a man on a first date, not that I couldn't control myself but it helps because typically once you sleep with a guy it seems they lose interest or I do. My advice not that you are asking for it but I'll give it anyway, if sex with FWB is good then enjoy it but still try and date and if you get a date then FWB is on the bench. 80% of my sex was with FWB last year and I enjoyed every second of it. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 27, 2017 11:46:42 GMT -5
I love Brussel sprouts on special occasions, they are a must with Christmas dinner and I can't imagine the day without them. So to change the conversation slightly what if you spouse went all out sexually, on special occasions and rocked your world, birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, StV day etc would that be enough? I am not sure. If they went all out for it - totally engaged, intimate, passionate, really into you - 6 or even 10 times a year and then just shut it all off the rest of the time, wouldn't that fuck your head up completely? I am only speaking for myself here ( I believe many others can relate) after jumping through many hoops to set up a weekend get away full of relaxing, down time, small talk, and zero pressure, finally came the time for the re-set. One time. After 3 1/2 yrs.( And 10 years of once a year before that) The following morning ,came complete rejection ,and manipulation. So....NO!! it's not enough! Or ...it's enough to lift the FOG and take action! 2 things happen in the storms of life: 1) We get bitter and run. 2) We get better and get going! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 27, 2017 14:17:11 GMT -5
I'm hoping to get where you are on this, bballgirl . With new guy, I have an eerie echo I'm noticing that his daughter & mom & exwife all have these huge chunks of time & default priority. It's not like we are dating- I get that, or I think I get it. But I'm starting to try to quantify if I want to hang with the feeling of "I'll get sex when WE can fit it in" all the while realizing the undercurrent is he is really setting our schedule, not the both of us. I'm not unhappy about it yet - I'm in the theory-development stage of these thoughts. Will go on to observing now, examining whether these are accurate perceptions or not. I get what you are saying I really do. I think there is a definite hookup culture that now is more popular than ever. I think a lot of men bought the cow and they are still paying for it so they have the mentality that I never want to buy a cow again but I'll test drive a few every now and then. In your case and I'm just speculating, new guy is definitely just a FWB. I have a FWB with my married guy that I outsourced with. We get together for the purpose of sex. We have fun, interesting and intellectual conversation in between rounds and I enjoy that too. The sex is great! I'm so comfortable with him too. He knows I'm dating and so FWB serves a purpose to help meet my sexual needs and sort of keep me from sleeping with a man on a first date, not that I couldn't control myself but it helps because typically once you sleep with a guy it seems they lose interest or I do. My advice not that you are asking for it but I'll give it anyway, if sex with FWB is good then enjoy it but still try and date and if you get a date then FWB is on the bench. 80% of my sex was with FWB last year and I enjoyed every second of it. I appreciate you sharing advice, whether I specifically asked or not :-) New Guy is for sure FWB. What I find that I have a hard time navigating is the Friend without Benefits portion. See - I would like to just have sex every time we're together and he seems to think we ought to hang out as friends sometimes without sex (and I think - what is the point in THAT?) - Well, the point is (or could be) that we actually become real friends. And have sex only sometimes. And not become a dating couple. And I think I can see my way to that...until it's time that he goes home and I'm opening the toy drawer and thinking....is it worth it to be friends if the benefits are parsed out only when his daughter is taken care of? Thing is - I fear (or wonder) if I just hold on in hopes he would become a true boyfriend. My brain says "nah, that's not what I'm doing - having a FWB is better than not having a FWB" - but I wonder. He's never mean. He has said before, specifically, that I wasn't being rejected but he needed to be home for the 15yo. He went home & later she went out, so he texted to see if I was still up and he came over and we did have (GOOD) sex that night. But - I still can't stop having waves of realization that I am not in control of whether or when we will have sex. It's nothing like in the SM, obviously, where I had no influence (or hope) at all. But I still suspect that it is not "jointly controlled" by us both in a manner that is fair. I don't mind he's not buying the cow. This cow isn't really for sale, in the first place. My schedule is such that a consistent FWB who would just come over for sex and leave by morning would be ideal. There is not a lot of other free nights to also date someone else. Anyway - it is not something that requires immediate changes or fixing. But I am percolating my ideas in this area, as I want to be "craved" and not just settled for (even - - in a full-on relationship with a BF, I would want to be cherished - I don't care if my FWB doesn't exactly "love & cherish" but I do want to know he has a hankering - not just one for sex but specifically for sex with ME) He doesn't even seem quite that interested. But I can't be too sure - he is kinda quiet (I know, folks here will think, then what am I attracted to?) Thing is - the SEX is really good. And that makes me want to not be too picky about the other layers of connection. So what if he's not loud like me? So what he won't introduce me to any folks in his life? But the feeling I have about the imbalance - this tells me that I shouldn't need to share all of me with him (but I am not a supporter of the "protect myself" idea any more - I just want to be myself - my fully flawed, highly sexualized, sometimes shallow, always funny real & true self). So - I don't know where these thoughts lead me, really. But I am REALLY grateful to have this forum to share them and try to sort out my actual take on things. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 27, 2017 14:35:26 GMT -5
To GeekGoddess, I think the word your looking for is "desire" next to "cherish".
Desire for me, is going to have to be there in my future partner. Hopefully it will be a decent amount. What is a decent amount of desire shown for me?? I don't know yet. 50% or higher, compared to my desire for them? Not sure. What if I feel their desire is more 40% verses my 60% of the relationship? Will there be times when the friendship part gets a higher % ? Is that a bad thing? 100% desire for each other would be....."a fairy tale?" Then how long till the desire simmers?
All a learning experience. Fortunately you have experienced, and studied, the 0% and know the signs!
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 27, 2017 14:36:55 GMT -5
I get what you are saying I really do. I think there is a definite hookup culture that now is more popular than ever. I think a lot of men bought the cow and they are still paying for it so they have the mentality that I never want to buy a cow again but I'll test drive a few every now and then. In your case and I'm just speculating, new guy is definitely just a FWB. I have a FWB with my married guy that I outsourced with. We get together for the purpose of sex. We have fun, interesting and intellectual conversation in between rounds and I enjoy that too. The sex is great! I'm so comfortable with him too. He knows I'm dating and so FWB serves a purpose to help meet my sexual needs and sort of keep me from sleeping with a man on a first date, not that I couldn't control myself but it helps because typically once you sleep with a guy it seems they lose interest or I do. My advice not that you are asking for it but I'll give it anyway, if sex with FWB is good then enjoy it but still try and date and if you get a date then FWB is on the bench. 80% of my sex was with FWB last year and I enjoyed every second of it. I appreciate you sharing advice, whether I specifically asked or not :-) New Guy is for sure FWB. What I find that I have a hard time navigating is the Friend without Benefits portion. See - I would like to just have sex every time we're together and he seems to think we ought to hang out as friends sometimes without sex (and I think - what is the point in THAT?) - Well, the point is (or could be) that we actually become real friends. And have sex only sometimes. And not become a dating couple. And I think I can see my way to that...until it's time that he goes home and I'm opening the toy drawer and thinking....is it worth it to be friends if the benefits are parsed out only when his daughter is taken care of? Thing is - I fear (or wonder) if I just hold on in hopes he would become a true boyfriend. My brain says "nah, that's not what I'm doing - having a FWB is better than not having a FWB" - but I wonder. He's never mean. He has said before, specifically, that I wasn't being rejected but he needed to be home for the 15yo. He went home & later she went out, so he texted to see if I was still up and he came over and we did have (GOOD) sex that night. But - I still can't stop having waves of realization that I am not in control of whether or when we will have sex. It's nothing like in the SM, obviously, where I had no influence (or hope) at all. But I still suspect that it is not "jointly controlled" by us both in a manner that is fair. I don't mind he's not buying the cow. This cow isn't really for sale, in the first place. My schedule is such that a consistent FWB who would just come over for sex and leave by morning would be ideal. There is not a lot of other free nights to also date someone else. Anyway - it is not something that requires immediate changes or fixing. But I am percolating my ideas in this area, as I want to be "craved" and not just settled for (even - - in a full-on relationship with a BF, I would want to be cherished - I don't care if my FWB doesn't exactly "love & cherish" but I do want to know he has a hankering - not just one for sex but specifically for sex with ME) He doesn't even seem quite that interested. But I can't be too sure - he is kinda quiet (I know, folks here will think, then what am I attracted to?) Thing is - the SEX is really good. And that makes me want to not be too picky about the other layers of connection. So what if he's not loud like me? So what he won't introduce me to any folks in his life? But the feeling I have about the imbalance - this tells me that I shouldn't need to share all of me with him (but I am not a supporter of the "protect myself" idea any more - I just want to be myself - my fully flawed, highly sexualized, sometimes shallow, always funny real & true self). So - I don't know where these thoughts lead me, really. But I am REALLY grateful to have this forum to share them and try to sort out my actual take on things. It seems like you have a good thing going to me. I think it's nice that he wants to hang out with you too but if that's not what you want then stay true to yourself, however a "relationship" for lack of a better word even a FWB relationship needs to have some sort of compromise or understanding. If he would like to spend time outside of the bedroom then maybe do that too every once in a while. One time my FWB and I met for a drink first. Earlier this month we went to a Spring Training game then to a hotel. I do know for sure though that if we see each other it's for sex, that's the point, but my FWB is a married man in an open marriage. So we have our rules set and communication is really clear and easy with us. I can't imagine him not wanting sex with you. Sometimes things come up and schedules get in the way but it doesn't mean he doesn't want you. So enjoy the sex and enjoy his company. |
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