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Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 8:26:15 GMT -5
(TV announcer voice) Previously, on SM shithole.....
- I will be married 20 years this coming July.
- Textbook bait and switch. 2 years of per-marital bliss then when the ring goes on, she develops a "medical condition" the next week. She basically admitted she always had the "condition" a few weeks ago (before recanting realizing it would be bait and switch)
- We have 2 AMAZING kids (16 year old girl and 13 year old boy)
- Wife is a SAHM who does part time accounting work. Post divorce, she wants to go back into teaching (has a masters in education)
- I haven't heard the words "I love you" in 13 years
- Cold turkey sexless for coming up on 3 years. Cold starfish sex most of the rest of the time.
- Asked for divorce at the end of January this year. Our original time frame was 18 months (I know...insane, but it seemed to make sense at the time)
- Past 2 months have been amicable, but the veneer has worn away. We have continued to carry on as roommates and put the kids first (they don't know about divorce yet). However, we are snapping at each other more and the disrespect we both apparently feel for each other is bubbling to the surface.
- In the past couple days, each of us have spoken with lawyers
I will say that I'd done my research pretty well. Look, I'm not a lawyer, but I'm a reasonably intelligent guy and the resources are out there. There were a few fine points that I didn't know about, but I had how the situation will play out in broad brush strokes.
So last night we were in the car during our son's baseball practice. I asked her if she'd like to discuss my conversation with the lawyer or talk later. She said now was OK. Most of the stuff I went over was garden variety. The main thing that I had to get through her head was that I can't see any feasible way for her to keep the house (It's a McMansion). It MIGHT be possible to get the house paid off if we were to go into an all out effort mode. However, she doesn't want to start working again until the fall, so that's kind of that.
The biggest issue that came up is the one that pissed me off the most. Custody of the kids.
Look, both of us are great parents. We also parent well as a team. We are both at all the kid's events. For my son, I coach his teams, do photography, scorekeeping, etc...anything that is needed. For my daughter, I help her with her FFA projects, sometimes taking 2 hours one way to reach work because of it. I taught her to drive, and before she even got her license had put over 3000 miles across 6 states with her. I do this on top of being the sole breadwinner (the accounting work my wife does is for my company).
Last night, I saw a bit of the mask slip on her. Everything she said was in terms of "her" and what "she" does. She was the "sole provider" for the kids. The law says that "she" should be getting this or that. I was a bit floored that I was the one who kept pulling back and saying "let's take a step back and put the kid's welfare first". The fact that she saw the kids as "hers" and something that she could divvy out at her pleasure really pissed me off.
That said, I have had a night to sleep on it. For 16 years now, the kids have been her life. Everything she does revolves around them. It is natural that she is going to view them as "hers". What I need to get her ass to understand is that she and I haven't had a real marriage in 10-15 years. Everything I do revolves around them too.
My original position was one week with her, one week with me. I've seen that done successfully with friends, and the kids need both parents. I think the whole 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend thing takes dad out of the mix. Again, kids need both parents. When talking with my STBX, I took a breath and stepped back. My main goal is the least harm to the kids. I can see the benefits of continuity, and having a "home base". Shuttling from house to house every week doesn't help that goal. A third option exists.
Basically, the 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend, but Thursday night through Monday morning. I'm probably OK with that. Because I'm thinking in the interests of the kids. The rational side of me says that there are only 3 nights every 2 weeks that distinguish it from what I was suggesting. The cynical side of me says that those 3 nights give her "primary" custody and entitle her to child support (about 21k per year in my case). Until yesterday, that thought hadn't entered my mind. However all of the "her kids" talk just made them sound like a chip to be played. It really jolted me and pissed me off. I'm probably being a bit hyper-sensitive here since emotions are raw. I did tell her that she REALLY needed to watch how the hell she phrased things. She said I need to do the same. Point taken, and I will be more mindful. Hopefully, she does the same.
At the end of this conversation, though, I did let her know that I just can't see any way we can do this for 16 more months. If we try, one of us is going to go off like a pressure cooker, and that is the WORST thing the kids can see. So the new exit date is now the end of this summer.
We have a giant extended family cruise next week to Cozumel (about 35 of us). We are keeping the lid on things until then for sure and then will be going to "counseling" so that we can ease the kids into this idea a bit. The counseling is not to "repair" but help us better parent together now and after the split. But we will need to tell the kids sooner rather than later. As soon as we do that, I'm clearing out my study and getting a bed in there. I can use it in the new house, and to get a good night's sleep I need to stop sharing a bed with her.
On the positive side, over the past few weeks, I've thought about the future for the first time with true excitement. Not with depression, anger, or how to cope. Excitement. One thing that I'm a big believer in is that when you let go of one thing in your life (in this case my marriage), you need to have something positive to fill the void with. Something WILL fill it, and if you don't select what that things is, you might not like what takes its place. In my case, when my relationship with my wife went south, I filled the void with booze, video games, porn, etc...Now, I'm chunking all of that stuff out and have an amazing list of things I am going to fill the void with. But that's for a different post. One I'm looking forward to.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 10, 2017 8:55:18 GMT -5
shamwow. Hats off dude. You are going about this all so well. Truly. If my bloke was half the man you are wrt the kids I'd be really happy about my kids future. When I do the deed he'll piss off half way across the country back to his Mum (or at least that's what he said at my lasts failed attempt!). The kids will only see him if I'm prepared to take them. He doesn't drive and is happy to let everyone around him do all the work. We split for 3 1/2 yrs when eldest was a baby. I used to have to get the train with the baby, buggy, travel cot, high chair, everything, to make sure he saw his dad. He only made the effort twice in all that time to come down to me. So your wife is lucky as fuck. And you can tell her I said so! You are doing Shamazingly  xxx
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Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 9:14:38 GMT -5
shamwow . Hats off dude. You are going about this all so well. Truly. If my bloke was half the man you are wrt the kids I'd be really happy about my kids future. When I do the deed he'll piss off half way across the country back to his Mum (or at least that's what he said at my lasts failed attempt!). The kids will only see him if I'm prepared to take them. He doesn't drive and is happy to let everyone around him do all the work. We split for 3 1/2 yrs when eldest was a baby. I used to have to get the train with the baby, buggy, travel cot, high chair, everything, to make sure he saw his dad. He only made the effort twice in all that time to come down to me. So your wife is lucky as fuck. And you can tell her I said so! You are doing Shamazingly xxx The one area where she had a point was in the kid's school work. She has always taken more of an interest in that area since she has a teaching degree. Yesterday she said something along the lines of "If I didn't make sure homework got done or go to parent teacher conferences, it wouldn't happen". What a bullshit comment. We split up the parenting duties. I let the person who has the graduate degree in the subject handle that and I handle other things. At least this is what I was pondering while I drew up my son's bath and cleaned up the dishes from dinner (that I wasn't there for since I went straight to baseball practice from work). I have been doing a lot more meditation lately. I'm really starting to think that Buddhism is the best faith to have while going through a long term SM shithole of suffering. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 10, 2017 9:21:29 GMT -5
True colors come shining through. Her mindset is the same as the 20 years married without needing or wanting anything (intimate) from you, she never needed to say "I love you" in order to get her way. When a narcissist begins to lose control of us, they switch from charm as their weapon to dirty tricks and shit slinging. It will continue to get ugly. I hope it won't ruin the trip for your family. Do you have the counselor(s) picked out? Your kids will be catching on to this new "flavor" of your discussions. It's important to get the truth out there, man. Not only for them, but also so you don't have to worry about who knows what or how you say what you need to say (that is - always speak the truth as kindly as possible - but if you are living with some individuals who don't know the deal, like uninformed kids, then it gets all hinky trying to "manage" their awareness and goes in a misguided direction) No one owns the kids! I hate it (HATE it - and I don't throw that word around) when parents act like kids are less than human. They are fully formed personalities - they come out of the womb with their own spirit and deserve respect as people. Not tiny adults, but still: worthy, possessing innate dignity, and deserve to be seen & treated as full human beings, not chattel! I'm sorry she is unable to step up to this level of compassion right now. She isn't "getting it" at all - either what "she did to you" (i.e., by gutting the lifeblood connection of a sex life) or what she is acting like in regard to the kids. They are NOT a "battle to be won" - they are tender, impressionable souls (about to get stabbed in the heart if she speaks this way around them). Take it easy on yourself. Get to jujitsu or outside in nature. Alone, if possible. Yell out loud while you drive (this was a good stress reliever for me at times). Do whatever you need to in order to not lose your composure (in front of her or in dealing with your 2 kids). Let loose of the composure in private, to keep the steam from building up to explosion levels. Damn, this sucks. But - it is not uncommon. (Each of us, I think, believes that we are the rare ones: everyone ELSE's spouses can get ugly at divorce, but I really married a good person and they won't act out - they will understand our reasons and remain reasonable through the process. The only reason they have been reasonable during the SM years is because they always got their way! When this balance of power begins to shift - they OFTEN freak and act from their worst side, their gravest character defects) Good luck, shamwow. I'll send positive vibes. Dunno what else to do - just know that you are not alone and it is not easy, but you CAN get through it. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 10, 2017 9:36:54 GMT -5
Good timing on your post! I was just reading through my STBX's parenting plan. All 19 points of it. It has "controller" written all over it!
My attorney had presented it to me. She said, "this is weird, I've never seen a plan like this! A judge isn't going to accept this. That kind of info. will calm your fears, limit her control, and give you more power to level the playing field.
My plan is the one week on, one week off plan. Even some of my teens say, "that would be a lot easier." What's so bad about the two households? There are positives to it. Kids are getting more and more used to it. It's all around them with fellow classmates and neighbors, It's becoming the norm. If you remain in the same school district, that opens the door for more friends, different places to eat, different activities, let her keep the 20 yr old furniture, get something new and different, far less clutter. You and I have some of the same story. In 4 to 5 yrs the last child is an adult. No longer is there the need for the big house. You can start scaling down now.
Your one child is 16. He will be driving, getting a job, dating, sports, going off with friends. They may not want to be with mom so much, and will enjoy being with dad. They (the teens) have busy lives too, and are at a stage when they want more independence and think they can do things by themselves, with there hand out saying, "I need the keys and $20.00".
I was thinking this morning about how much truth gets exposed from a divorce. Including the truths about myself, and what I am going to do to make changes, strong, lasting ones. How I communicate, and what I let bother me. How I worry to much, and how an easy 905 percent of worries end up being mere concerns.
Something else your STBX will realize is how much you do with the family, and the house. I hear that often from others.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 9:43:38 GMT -5
True colors come shining through. Her mindset is the same as the 20 years married without needing or wanting anything (intimate) from you, she never needed to say "I love you" in order to get her way. When a narcissist begins to lose control of us, they switch from charm as their weapon to dirty tricks and shit slinging. It will continue to get ugly. I hope it won't ruin the trip for your family. Do you have the counselor(s) picked out? Your kids will be catching on to this new "flavor" of your discussions. It's important to get the truth out there, man. Not only for them, but also so you don't have to worry about who knows what or how you say what you need to say (that is - always speak the truth as kindly as possible - but if you are living with some individuals who don't know the deal, like uninformed kids, then it gets all hinky trying to "manage" their awareness and goes in a misguided direction) No one owns the kids! I hate it (HATE it - and I don't throw that word around) when parents act like kids are less than human. They are fully formed personalities - they come out of the womb with their own spirit and deserve respect as people. Not tiny adults, but still: worthy, possessing innate dignity, and deserve to be seen & treated as full human beings, not chattel! I'm sorry she is unable to step up to this level of compassion right now. She isn't "getting it" at all - either what "she did to you" (i.e., by gutting the lifeblood connection of a sex life) or what she is acting like in regard to the kids. They are NOT a "battle to be won" - they are tender, impressionable souls (about to get stabbed in the heart if she speaks this way around them). Take it easy on yourself. Get to jujitsu or outside in nature. Alone, if possible. Yell out loud while you drive (this was a good stress reliever for me at times). Do whatever you need to in order to not lose your composure (in front of her or in dealing with your 2 kids). Let loose of the composure in private, to keep the steam from building up to explosion levels. Damn, this sucks. But - it is not uncommon. (Each of us, I think, believes that we are the rare ones: everyone ELSE's spouses can get ugly at divorce, but I really married a good person and they won't act out - they will understand our reasons and remain reasonable through the process. The only reason they have been reasonable during the SM years is because they always got their way! When this balance of power begins to shift - they OFTEN freak and act from their worst side, their gravest character defects) Good luck, shamwow . I'll send positive vibes. Dunno what else to do - just know that you are not alone and it is not easy, but you CAN get through it. Sadly, it's not uncommon. However, she can lash out and and thrash all she wants. I cannot control her behavior. I can only control myself. If I remain calm and reasonable, it will be better for the kids. Now, calm and reasonable does not mean "punching bag". But I'm a good man. There are no grounds for unreasonable custody demands. I am not violent. I am not a drug addict. I am not a criminal. I have rights as well, and will fight for them. I think that the "extended custody" I described is actually how it will shake out. Mainly because she brought it up (after 1st 3rd 5th weekends) so presumably has buy-in. And also because I agree having a "home base" for the kids is important. So in the end, I don't see this being a huge issue. My issue was just how she said things. It betrayed how she viewed the kids as "hers" as opposed to them being individual human beings that we have the honor and responsibility of raising. That, more than anything is what rubbed me raw this morning and caused me to write this post. On a side note, you should have seen the deer in the headlights look when I asked what her thoughts were if the kids wanted ME to have primary custody. The way my daughter and her have been battling lately, that isn't outside the realm of possibility. It is 2017, and automatic custody to Mom is not a given. That being said, my son would almost certainly want to be with mom, and both the kids need to be together. But for me, the best interests of the kids comes FIRST. Before me, before my STBX, before anything. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 10, 2017 9:47:49 GMT -5
True colors come shining through. Her mindset is the same as the 20 years married without needing or wanting anything (intimate) from you, she never needed to say "I love you" in order to get her way. When a narcissist begins to lose control of us, they switch from charm as their weapon to dirty tricks and shit slinging. It will continue to get ugly. I hope it won't ruin the trip for your family. Do you have the counselor(s) picked out? Your kids will be catching on to this new "flavor" of your discussions. It's important to get the truth out there, man. Not only for them, but also so you don't have to worry about who knows what or how you say what you need to say (that is - always speak the truth as kindly as possible - but if you are living with some individuals who don't know the deal, like uninformed kids, then it gets all hinky trying to "manage" their awareness and goes in a misguided direction) No one owns the kids! I hate it (HATE it - and I don't throw that word around) when parents act like kids are less than human. They are fully formed personalities - they come out of the womb with their own spirit and deserve respect as people. Not tiny adults, but still: worthy, possessing innate dignity, and deserve to be seen & treated as full human beings, not chattel! I'm sorry she is unable to step up to this level of compassion right now. She isn't "getting it" at all - either what "she did to you" (i.e., by gutting the lifeblood connection of a sex life) or what she is acting like in regard to the kids. They are NOT a "battle to be won" - they are tender, impressionable souls (about to get stabbed in the heart if she speaks this way around them). Take it easy on yourself. Get to jujitsu or outside in nature. Alone, if possible. Yell out loud while you drive (this was a good stress reliever for me at times). Do whatever you need to in order to not lose your composure (in front of her or in dealing with your 2 kids). Let loose of the composure in private, to keep the steam from building up to explosion levels. Damn, this sucks. But - it is not uncommon. (Each of us, I think, believes that we are the rare ones: everyone ELSE's spouses can get ugly at divorce, but I really married a good person and they won't act out - they will understand our reasons and remain reasonable through the process. The only reason they have been reasonable during the SM years is because they always got their way! When this balance of power begins to shift - they OFTEN freak and act from their worst side, their gravest character defects) Good luck, shamwow . I'll send positive vibes. Dunno what else to do - just know that you are not alone and it is not easy, but you CAN get through it. Sadly, it's not uncommon. However, she can lash out and and thrash all she wants. I cannot control her behavior. I can only control myself. If I remain calm and reasonable, it will be better for the kids. Now, calm and reasonable does not mean "punching bag". But I'm a good man. There are no grounds for unreasonable custody demands. I am not violent. I am not a drug addict. I am not a criminal. I have rights as well, and will fight for them. I think that the "extended custody" I described is actually how it will shake out. Mainly because she brought it up (after 1st 3rd 5th weekends) so presumably has buy-in. And also because I agree having a "home base" for the kids is important. So in the end, I don't see this being a huge issue. My issue was just how said things. It betrayed how she viewed the kids as "hers" as opposed to them being individual human beings that we have the honor and responsibility of raising. That, more than anything is what rubbed me raw this morning and caused me to write this post. On a side note, you should have seen the deer in the headlights look when I asked what her thoughts were if the kids wanted ME to have primary custody. The way my daughter and her have been battling lately, that isn't outside the realm of possibility. It is 2017, and automatic custody to Mom is not a given. That being said, my son would almost certainly want to be with mom, and both the kids need to be together. But for me, the best interests of the kids comes FIRST. Before me, before my STBX, before anything. Your son may "seem" to want that, but it will have no affect. Attorneys and judges are giving dad more rights. 50 /50 parenting split. Rejoice in that! |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 9:55:20 GMT -5
Sadly, it's not uncommon. However, she can lash out and and thrash all she wants. I cannot control her behavior. I can only control myself. If I remain calm and reasonable, it will be better for the kids. Now, calm and reasonable does not mean "punching bag". But I'm a good man. There are no grounds for unreasonable custody demands. I am not violent. I am not a drug addict. I am not a criminal. I have rights as well, and will fight for them. I think that the "extended custody" I described is actually how it will shake out. Mainly because she brought it up (after 1st 3rd 5th weekends) so presumably has buy-in. And also because I agree having a "home base" for the kids is important. So in the end, I don't see this being a huge issue. My issue was just how said things. It betrayed how she viewed the kids as "hers" as opposed to them being individual human beings that we have the honor and responsibility of raising. That, more than anything is what rubbed me raw this morning and caused me to write this post. On a side note, you should have seen the deer in the headlights look when I asked what her thoughts were if the kids wanted ME to have primary custody. The way my daughter and her have been battling lately, that isn't outside the realm of possibility. It is 2017, and automatic custody to Mom is not a given. That being said, my son would almost certainly want to be with mom, and both the kids need to be together. But for me, the best interests of the kids comes FIRST. Before me, before my STBX, before anything. Your son may "seem" to want that, but it will have no affect. Attorneys and judges are giving dad more rights. 50 /50 parenting split. Rejoice in that! Absolutely true. I do think that as we go through this we should get some counseling for the kids as well. Part of that should be to get a feel for what the kids want without undue pressure. It is just my sense that he will want to be with mom. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love me, or that he doesn't want to stay with me. It just means that if we have a primary parent, he would more than likely choose her. But I would like to get their input in the process here. These aren't toddlers, and are old enough to weigh in on the decisions that will profoundly affect them. Right now, my wife has said she would fight tooth and nail over the one week on one week off custody. I will fight tooth and nail if my kids are only allowed to have a father three weekends a month. The extended custody might be a good compromise. |
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Post by wom360 on Mar 10, 2017 9:57:35 GMT -5
From what I've seen the 16 year old will hold all the cards in her custody. The judge will listen to the parents opinions but likely go with what she wants.
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 10, 2017 10:20:48 GMT -5
A very big concept for both of you to understand is that - Your children love you both equally.
I think the one week on and one week off is a great system and the easiest on the kids but we do not do that for our own personal reasons, as well I have 60/40 custody so it's not 50/50.
As far as homework and grades, most schools have online grade books where parents can check on their child's grades as often as they want.
Your kids are at an age where you should not have to sit at the table and do the work with them. You may however need to take electronic devices away if they have missing assignments. My son's video game controllers are currently being hid in an empty box of tampons until he finishes some assignments. I left the gaming system for him to look at.
Anyway your wife's point of view doesn't matter. You are legally entitled to 50/50 custody. Typically it's every other weekend then you pick school nights or weeks then holidays. There are laws in place to protect everyone involved.
It's a tough time and it has ups and downs. Sometimes anger comes out but I think that is part of the grieving process. Your wife is probably not as far along in the acceptance of divorce as you are.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 10, 2017 11:06:41 GMT -5
The kids don't even have to have the same custody schedule, anyway. If I was a 16 yr old girl, not seeing my 13-yr old brother constantly could be a blessing.
None of it is totally between you & STBX, anyway. As others have pointed out, there are legal precedents as well as the kids' preferences--both of which probably are ahead of the parents' preferences when a judge goes to consider.
That will work itself out eventually. STBX is not solely in charge any more. It will be a whole new world for her to discover. I hope she won't succeed in making that shitty for you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 10, 2017 11:16:43 GMT -5
shamwow . Hats off dude. You are going about this all so well. Truly. If my bloke was half the man you are wrt the kids I'd be really happy about my kids future. When I do the deed he'll piss off half way across the country back to his Mum (or at least that's what he said at my lasts failed attempt!). The kids will only see him if I'm prepared to take them. He doesn't drive and is happy to let everyone around him do all the work. We split for 3 1/2 yrs when eldest was a baby. I used to have to get the train with the baby, buggy, travel cot, high chair, everything, to make sure he saw his dad. He only made the effort twice in all that time to come down to me. So your wife is lucky as fuck. And you can tell her I said so! You are doing Shamazingly xxx The one area where she had a point was in the kid's school work. She has always taken more of an interest in that area since she has a teaching degree. Yesterday she said something along the lines of "If I didn't make sure homework got done or go to parent teacher conferences, it wouldn't happen". What a bullshit comment. We split up the parenting duties. I let the person who has the graduate degree in the subject handle that and I handle other things. At least this is what I was pondering while I drew up my son's bath and cleaned up the dishes from dinner (that I wasn't there for since I went straight to baseball practice from work). I have been doing a lot more meditation lately. I'm really starting to think that Buddhism is the best faith to have while going through a long term SM shithole of suffering. My STBX has been playing the "kids education " card on me for years. Giving her a broad sweep of manipulative control. Fortunately you are seeing through it. This attitude that you never went to school, you have no experience in education, our children would still be in the first grade if left up to you! ( I'm exaggerating!) It is a way of disrespecting you and gaining control by humiliation. Sadly I caved and began to believe it a little at a time. Even worse was her lack of follow up with all of her "curriculum planning". What's that old saying? "For every finger you point at someone else, there's three pointing back at you." Kids education, is also another excuse to avoid sex and intimacy. You will be taking that away from her, and she does not like it. It makes her face her fears. The mask is coming off. |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 11:26:21 GMT -5
The one area where she had a point was in the kid's school work. She has always taken more of an interest in that area since she has a teaching degree. Yesterday she said something along the lines of "If I didn't make sure homework got done or go to parent teacher conferences, it wouldn't happen". What a bullshit comment. We split up the parenting duties. I let the person who has the graduate degree in the subject handle that and I handle other things. At least this is what I was pondering while I drew up my son's bath and cleaned up the dishes from dinner (that I wasn't there for since I went straight to baseball practice from work). I have been doing a lot more meditation lately. I'm really starting to think that Buddhism is the best faith to have while going through a long term SM shithole of suffering. My STBX has been playing the "kids education " card on me for years. Giving her a broad sweep of manipulative control. Fortunately you are seeing through it. This attitude that you never went to school, you have no experience in education, our children would still be in the first grade if left up to you! ( I'm exaggerating!) It is a way of disrespecting you and gaining control by humiliation. Sadly I caved and began to believe it a little at a time. Even worse was her lack of follow up with all of her "curriculum planning". What's that old saying? "For every finger you point at someone else, there's three pointing back at you." Kids education, is also another excuse to avoid sex and intimacy. You will be taking that away from her, and she does not like it. It makes her face her fears. The mask is coming off. Actually, I really DO think she has a point on school. Look, as parents, we share responsibilities. We work together to manage the circus of kid's activities. But, unlike baseball practice, their education really does have an impact on their future. I need to be more involved. bballgirl has a great point. I should be able to access grades, report cards, etc... online (for the love of God, it's 2017 and I'm a software developer. This should be a duh). I should also be included on any emails from the kid's teachers. In the fall I will absolutely need to be involved in this, and I may as well start now. I've got a master's degree myself, and am honestly better on the math/science side than she is now we are above elementary level (that is not intended as an insult. She is trained as an elementary education teacher). I emailed my wife this morning asking how I go about getting online access or if I need to go to the school directly. At the very least, she can give me the teacher's email addresses so I can get on their "lists". Look, if someone has a good point, I try to listen. Hopefully this is something we can work together on. Kids first. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 10, 2017 11:28:51 GMT -5
"getting their input in the process" is a sticky situation.
I did receive a book Called Parenting and Divorce. It has a lot of useful info. about involving children.
My pride told me, "a state mandated parenting class? what a waste, I could teach this myself!" NOT!!!I still have so much to learn about handling this whole divorce process. We have been sheltered from others who have gone through it. One of those, "that will never happen to me moments".
For me the , "your mom told you what? She said that, hugh?" When are you allowed to tell your side, to speak the truth, to wright a wrong, and involve the kids in things you wish they didn't have to deal with? Especially when dealing with a narc? Honestly, my class instructor had a whole different approach when I mentioned narcissism.
You are going to make mistakes, things get better with time.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 11:35:15 GMT -5
"getting their input in the process" is a sticky situation. I did receive a book Called Parenting and Divorce. It has a lot of useful info. about involving children. My pride told me, "a state mandated parenting class? what a waste, I could teach this myself!" NOT!!!I still have so much to learn about handling this whole divorce process. We have been sheltered from others who have gone through it. One of those, "that will never happen to me moments". For me the , "your mom told you what? She said that, hugh?" When are you allowed to tell your side, to speak the truth, to wright a wrong, and involve the kids in things you wish they didn't have to deal with? Especially when dealing with a narc? Honestly, my class instructor had a whole different approach when I mentioned narcissism. You are going to make mistakes, things get better with time. As soon as we get back from our trip next week we are trying to get in for counseling. The sole aim is how to be good parents through this process and afterwards. Open call for help: If anyone has any advice on that subject, I am ready, willing, and BEGGING for it. I'd rather learn from the mistakes of others than make them myself. Education is something we get after we needed it most. |
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xxx
