|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 10, 2017 11:44:16 GMT -5
Actually, I really DO think she has a point on school. Look, as parents, we share responsibilities. We work together to manage the circus of kid's activities. But, unlike baseball practice, their education really does have an impact on their future. I need to be more involved. bballgirl has a great point. I should be able to access grades, report cards, etc... online (for the love of God, it's 2017 and I'm a software developer. This should be a duh). I should also be included on any emails from the kid's teachers. In the fall I will absolutely need to be involved in this, and I may as well start now. I've got a master's degree myself, and am honestly better on the math/science side than she is now we are above elementary level (that is not intended as an insult. She is trained as an elementary education teacher). I emailed my wife this morning asking how I go about getting online access or if I need to go to the school directly. At the very least, she can give me the teacher's email addresses so I can get on their "lists". Look, if someone has a good point, I try to listen. Hopefully this is something we can work together on. Kids first. I need to be more involved. It's good to hear you say that. That means you will be, and are quite capable of it. Just don't be taken down by any guilt that you haven't been available. Yesterday my STBX and I had a parent teachers conference about our youngest daughter. She has learning disabilities. It sounds like they have not had a case where a child is as far behind as her. Her disabilities cause that. They are also very enthusiastic about knowing how much they can help her. They handed us an assignment to get her started. My STBX said to me," will you be able to do that with her?" My response was, " yes, for now, but there is going to be some major changes in our life in the months to come. I have no idea what my schedule will be." That's the reality, it's going to take both of us, not one just handing it over to the other. I took her "delegation control" away from her. You could tell, she did not like it. (Especially with 8 other people in the room!) Hopefully, sharing some of my story helps you and others! Keep taking small steps forward, and find your joy! |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 11:51:28 GMT -5
Actually, I really DO think she has a point on school. Look, as parents, we share responsibilities. We work together to manage the circus of kid's activities. But, unlike baseball practice, their education really does have an impact on their future. I need to be more involved. bballgirl has a great point. I should be able to access grades, report cards, etc... online (for the love of God, it's 2017 and I'm a software developer. This should be a duh). I should also be included on any emails from the kid's teachers. In the fall I will absolutely need to be involved in this, and I may as well start now. I've got a master's degree myself, and am honestly better on the math/science side than she is now we are above elementary level (that is not intended as an insult. She is trained as an elementary education teacher). I emailed my wife this morning asking how I go about getting online access or if I need to go to the school directly. At the very least, she can give me the teacher's email addresses so I can get on their "lists". Look, if someone has a good point, I try to listen. Hopefully this is something we can work together on. Kids first. I need to be more involved. It's good to hear you say that. That means you will be, and are quite capable of it. Just don't be taken down by any guilt that you haven't been available. Yesterday my STBX and I had a parent teachers conference about our youngest daughter. She has learning disabilities. It sounds like they have not had a case where a child is as far behind as her. Her disabilities cause that. They are also very enthusiastic about knowing how much they can help her. They handed us an assignment to get her started. My STBX said to me," will you be able to do that with her?" My response was, " yes, for now, but there is going to be some major changes in our life in the months to come. I have no idea what my schedule will be." That's the reality, it's going to take both of us, not one just handing it over to the other. I took her "delegation control" away from her. You could tell, she did not like it. Hopefully, sharing some of my story helps you and others! Keep taking small steps forward, and find your joy! Honestly, sharing those examples DO help! I'm not Superman (although I'm actually wearing a superman shirt right now LOL), and neither is my STBX. Neither of us have done this before. Knowing how others in the same boat are handling this (both well and poorly) might help me handle things better or at least avoid handling things worse. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 10, 2017 11:57:36 GMT -5
As soon as we get back from our trip next week we are trying to get in for counseling. The sole aim is how to be good parents through this process and afterwards. Open call for help: If anyone has any advice on that subject, I am ready, willing, and BEGGING for it. I'd rather learn from the mistakes of others than make them myself. Education is something we get after we needed it most. You could go for that parenting class. Don't know if Texas requires it? Fl. used to require one for the children. They ended that a few years ago. It could be helpful, you recieve a document that you completed the course, and it's another step out of the way for the divorce. "I'd rather learn from the mistakes of others than make them myself". Welll......I'm here to say, "life's not going to allow that!" LOL! Again "worries" end up being " concerns". |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 10, 2017 12:53:37 GMT -5
shamwow . Hats off dude. You are going about this all so well. Truly. If my bloke was half the man you are wrt the kids I'd be really happy about my kids future. When I do the deed he'll piss off half way across the country back to his Mum (or at least that's what he said at my lasts failed attempt!). The kids will only see him if I'm prepared to take them. He doesn't drive and is happy to let everyone around him do all the work. We split for 3 1/2 yrs when eldest was a baby. I used to have to get the train with the baby, buggy, travel cot, high chair, everything, to make sure he saw his dad. He only made the effort twice in all that time to come down to me. So your wife is lucky as fuck. And you can tell her I said so! You are doing Shamazingly  xxx The one area where she had a point was in the kid's school work. She has always taken more of an interest in that area since she has a teaching degree. Yesterday she said something along the lines of "If I didn't make sure homework got done or go to parent teacher conferences, it wouldn't happen". What a bullshit comment. We split up the parenting duties. I let the person who has the graduate degree in the subject handle that and I handle other things. At least this is what I was pondering while I drew up my son's bath and cleaned up the dishes from dinner (that I wasn't there for since I went straight to baseball practice from work). I have been doing a lot more meditation lately. I'm really starting to think that Buddhism is the best faith to have while going through a long term SM shithole of suffering. Oh shammers. I expect she'll come out with more shockers before this game is through! I've literally just got on the meditation wagon myself this week. I've been saying for years I don't have time but I'm starting small and with my 9yo too. He's an anxious little guy sometimes. Moreso lately... I think he's feeling the vibe in the house!! Yoga helps too. Zones me away from my mind and into my breath. A much healthier place to be for me! Keep your wits about you and expect more of the unexpected from her! X |
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Mar 10, 2017 13:13:44 GMT -5
This is one area that Mrs Apocrypha and I have been relatively good at, and where we have implemented the skills learned in years of family counselling.
1. Family counselling for divorce is a good idea, not just for the kids, but also to learn how to talk to each other and negotiate in person, rather than through lawyers.
2. We decided to tell the kids when we finally had a plan in place for the material changes in their lives. We chose a date that was unremarkable and apart from birthdays and special occasions. We had a script that got to the point right away, explaining what was going to happen, what would now be different, and ending on what would be the same. We stressed that mommy/daddy love was different than love for a child.
3. When Mrs Apocrypha started a habit of doing what Mrs Shamwow did - speaking as if from a position of aggrieved propriety - and hijacking conversations explosively with that, I put a stop to it by stepping back and acknowledging BOTH our feelings and fears around that. I stated a stance on ethical principle first - committing to the idea that I thought she was a good parent and that I wanted to arrange our separation in such a way as to ensure that our kids retained both parents. I committed to the idea that prioritizing that would likely mean other things would be more difficult for us, but would minimize harm for them. We ended up talking a lot on that, and getting to a place so far that has had us being a better team at least with them. I stated plainly, I WANTED them to have their mother in their lives, actively, and I wanted to be in their lives actively. We agreed to stop posing it as "My kids" and "I'm going to TAKE the kids".
4. We agreed to a staged separation process, with a lot of flexibility and generous access. I recommend an online shared parent scheduler like the Cozi app. small houses are a million bucks in my city. She offered to move out to an apartment just up the street, kids live with me in the house, and I have a spare bedroom in the basement for "her" nights when she sleeps in the house. We initially tried swapping places every weekend. Didn't work. It's complicated and not ideal but there is no soft landing in this.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 13:37:41 GMT -5
This is one area that Mrs Apocrypha and I have been relatively good at, and where we have implemented the skills learned in years of family counselling. 1. Family counselling for divorce is a good idea, not just for the kids, but also to learn how to talk to each other and negotiate in person, rather than through lawyers. 2. We decided to tell the kids when we finally had a plan in place for the material changes in their lives. We chose a date that was unremarkable and apart from birthdays and special occasions. We had a script that got to the point right away, explaining what was going to happen, what would now be different, and ending on what would be the same. We stressed that mommy/daddy love was different than love for a child. 3. When Mrs Apocrypha started a habit of doing what Mrs Shamwow did - speaking as if from a position of aggrieved propriety - and hijacking conversations explosively with that, I put a stop to it by stepping back and acknowledging BOTH our feelings and fears around that. I stated a stance on ethical principle first - committing to the idea that I thought she was a good parent and that I wanted to arrange our separation in such a way as to ensure that our kids retained both parents. I committed to the idea that prioritizing that would likely mean other things would be more difficult for us, but would minimize harm for them. We ended up talking a lot on that, and getting to a place so far that has had us being a better team at least with them. I stated plainly, I WANTED them to have their mother in their lives, actively, and I wanted to be in their lives actively. We agreed to stop posing it as "My kids" and "I'm going to TAKE the kids". 4. We agreed to a staged separation process, with a lot of flexibility and generous access. I recommend an online shared parent scheduler like the Cozi app. small houses are a million bucks in my city. She offered to move out to an apartment just up the street, kids live with me in the house, and I have a spare bedroom in the basement for "her" nights when she sleeps in the house. We initially tried swapping places every weekend. Didn't work. It's complicated and not ideal but there is no soft landing in this. Some VERY good ideas in such a short space. I'm taking notes! |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 13:45:39 GMT -5
The one area where she had a point was in the kid's school work. She has always taken more of an interest in that area since she has a teaching degree. Yesterday she said something along the lines of "If I didn't make sure homework got done or go to parent teacher conferences, it wouldn't happen". What a bullshit comment. We split up the parenting duties. I let the person who has the graduate degree in the subject handle that and I handle other things. At least this is what I was pondering while I drew up my son's bath and cleaned up the dishes from dinner (that I wasn't there for since I went straight to baseball practice from work). I have been doing a lot more meditation lately. I'm really starting to think that Buddhism is the best faith to have while going through a long term SM shithole of suffering. Oh shammers. I expect she'll come out with more shockers before this game is through! I've literally just got on the meditation wagon myself this week. I've been saying for years I don't have time but I'm starting small and with my 9yo too. He's an anxious little guy sometimes. Moreso lately... I think he's feeling the vibe in the house!! Yoga helps too. Zones me away from my mind and into my breath. A much healthier place to be for me! Keep your wits about you and expect more of the unexpected from her! X For me, meditation is pretty simple. I just sit quietly and count my breaths. I don't try to speed things up or slow things down. Just count. When I get to 10, I start over. My mind is always running at 200 MPH, so this slows things down. Sometimes I do it sitting in my chair at work, sometimes between rounds in jiu jitsu. Sometimes I'm so goddamn pissed off it doesn't work at all. But it honestly only takes a couple minutes and requires no special wardrobe |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 10, 2017 13:50:42 GMT -5
Oh shammers. I expect she'll come out with more shockers before this game is through! I've literally just got on the meditation wagon myself this week. I've been saying for years I don't have time but I'm starting small and with my 9yo too. He's an anxious little guy sometimes. Moreso lately... I think he's feeling the vibe in the house!! Yoga helps too. Zones me away from my mind and into my breath. A much healthier place to be for me! Keep your wits about you and expect more of the unexpected from her! X For me, meditation is pretty simple. I just sit quietly and count my breaths. I don't try to speed things up or slow things down. Just count. When I get to 10, I start over. My mind is always running at 200 MPH, so this slows things down. Sometimes I do it sitting in my chair at work, sometimes between rounds in jiu jitsu. Sometimes I'm so goddamn pissed off it doesn't work at all. But it honestly only takes a couple minutes and requires no special wardrobe SOLD : to the giantess with the busy mind! I do my pelvic floor exercises mid normal life like you meditate ha ha! |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 14:02:00 GMT -5
For me, meditation is pretty simple. I just sit quietly and count my breaths. I don't try to speed things up or slow things down. Just count. When I get to 10, I start over. My mind is always running at 200 MPH, so this slows things down. Sometimes I do it sitting in my chair at work, sometimes between rounds in jiu jitsu. Sometimes I'm so goddamn pissed off it doesn't work at all. But it honestly only takes a couple minutes and requires no special wardrobe SOLD : to the giantess with the busy mind! I do my pelvic floor exercises mid normal life like you meditate ha ha! Aw hell, I know I'm going to regret this....but What are "pelvic floor exercises"? |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 10, 2017 14:05:24 GMT -5
Really shamwow? Ok. Delicately put, it's an engagement of the lower lady core muscles, working up to longer stronger holds and pulsing to maintain and improve muscle tone in that region. Or squeezing and releasing your fanny muscles to make sure you don't piss when you run after kids, oh and for that thing we all forget about here, you know, sexy time! You never been "gripped"?  |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 10, 2017 14:07:09 GMT -5
As a side note, I'd be interested to hear from females who read that and immediately start clenching ha ha.
We all do it.... I'm doing it now lol!
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Mar 10, 2017 14:08:07 GMT -5
SOLD : to the giantess with the busy mind! I do my pelvic floor exercises mid normal life like you meditate ha ha! Aw hell, I know I'm going to regret this....but What are "pelvic floor exercises"? Ha! Sorry I couldn't help it! |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Mar 10, 2017 14:08:56 GMT -5
As a side note, I'd be interested to hear from females who read that and immediately start clenching ha ha. We all do it.... I'm doing it now lol! That's great! I'm doing it while I type this to you! Lol |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 14:10:32 GMT -5
Really shamwow ? Ok. Delicately put, it's an engagement of the lower lady core muscles, working up to longer stronger holds and pulsing to maintain and improve muscle tone in that region. Or squeezing and releasing your fanny muscles to make sure you don't piss when you run after kids, oh and for that thing we all forget about here, you know, sexy time! You never been "gripped"? If there was any gripping involved it would have taken place during Bill Clinton's first term. Since then most of the muscles I've experienced have been from the arms in more of a shoving motion. |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 10, 2017 14:12:25 GMT -5
Aw hell, I know I'm going to regret this....but What are "pelvic floor exercises"? Ha! Sorry I couldn't help it! Instantly in it again here ha ha ha. Im doing the elevator technique from bottom to top with a hold on the top floor 🤣 |
|
xxx
