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Post by amers715 on Mar 9, 2017 18:48:24 GMT -5
My husband and i have been together for 4 years and married for 2. I got pregnant around the same time we got married and since i got pregnant we have sex maybe once a month (if that). Sometimes we go 2-3 months! We used to at least once a week but usually more. He started a new job...more responsibility and longer hours. Our son is now 15 months old and very high maintenance. So basically the only time we have the opportunity is when he gets home and baby is asleep (who still co-sleeps with us since I'm still nursing him). Since the decline in sex 2 years ago i found out he occasionally watches porn on his phone. I'm so upset about this and have confronted him but he lies. I also ask him why we don't have sex and he says it's because the baby is in bed with us. But when we do on these rare occasions it obviously doesn't bother him. Plus we dont nessasarily have to do it only in bed. I feel like he would rather watch porn than be intimate. He is still very affectionate and loving. But the lack of intimacy is really putting me into a depressed mood and the porn gives me anxiety. I feel as if he is cheating on me. He says he's still attracted to me and loves me so i just really don't get it. I'm completely willing and available. I have even put things on for him for when he gets home...yet nothing. I'm at a loss as to what to do and now it's seriously taking a toll on my emotional health. I've barely eaten all week and cry every day. It's gotten worse since i saw the most recent porn.
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 9, 2017 19:14:57 GMT -5
This pisses me off.
So sorry you have found yourself here.
Bottom line - put your H in his place and give him a reality check.
Tell you you need him to get his dick out of his phone because if he doesn't want you then plenty of other men will want you and he'll have 2 decades of child support ahead of him.
Furthermore he needs to step up his game and it needs to be enthusiastic sex that makes you orgasm like you never have before a minimum of once a week. Tell him he has 24 hours to figure it out.
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 9, 2017 19:50:54 GMT -5
I will be a devil advocate because we had some issues, especially myself. Having the child in the bed or even in the same room makes it very hard to switch from momma/ dadda to wife / husband thinking. It also dampens the ability to have the intimate pillow talk of you have to worry about waking the baby. The presex intimacy is needed.
Now, I am not defending his porn. I wonder if there is issues with seeing you as mamma rather then as someone to desire physically, they are not mutually exclusive rolls. This is not about how you look or what you wear but something in his head.
I would suggest if you have the space in your house or apartment to make the bedroom a baby object free zone at bed time. So there are not things to pull him back into dadda / momma thinking.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 9, 2017 20:01:13 GMT -5
welcome here! I hope you find this useful. I think it's great you are here now. Sounds like there is hope to wright this ship.
I am going to point out a few things from your information given.
He started a new job, more stress longer hours.
15 month old son, very high maintenance.
The baby is in bed with us.
Rare occasions it doesn't bother him? (he say's it's because the baby is in bed with us)
I feel... I feel.... I am depressed.... I have anxiety.....I am so upset.... I confront him....I feel he is cheeting on me......My emotional health....taking a toll on me.....
Lets turn this around.
My wife started a new job, She loves it more than me, she uses it to get away from me all the time.
I love my new baby, he is my life, my meaning, my everything, every moment, and every conversation is about him, what a blessing, and I have to do everything!
I put the baby in bed with us he needs me, my wife does just fine.
She says it doesn't bother her, but she rarely ever touches me, not even a kiss.
My wife doesn't appreciate all that I do for her, I complain to her about it everyday, I tell her all about how difficult the baby was, I'm sure she's cheating on me, there's that guy at work that she talks about. Then I find her in the shower, masturbating! Why does she do that without me? doesn't she know I am tired from being with the baby?
She's really taking a toll on me, I took her out to dinner the other night, just us and the baby. She doesn't listen to anything I say about the baby.
Does this sound like a man you want to have sex with? Or makes you feel wanted, or needed?
Please forgive me if I am way off about this!
Your posts sounds like you have been controlling much of your relationship? You have set the boundaries that family comes before marriage. That will crumble. He will soon realize he has been placed on the back burner for 18 months now. The back burner makes him feel very alone. Work and porn give him temporary relief. That's how the enemy works best, when you are alone.
I have more experience in this area than I wish to have. As the father of 6, and a stay at home dad, I have changed thousands of diapers. And gone through the, "the new child needs me" routine over and over again.
I would suggest you do research on putting your son in the crib, and have him cry it out. Your fortunate to have the internet.
Lastly, "I have put things on for him, and yet nothing". (I am not defending him on this one) Could he be missing it? Seriously. Could he be so caught up in all the other negatives, and rejection, that he has given up? It's too complicated, and difficult. Porn is easier. The scented candles may not be enough.
You may have to plant seeds. In this case, dump the whole bag! Are you willing to put marriage before baby?
Do you want a man that leads and takes control," as long as he does what I tell him to!"
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 9, 2017 20:11:24 GMT -5
amers715 - welcome. Sorry you found yourself here (qualifying) but glad you found us! There are a lot of the current SM folks who can trace back their pattern to coinciding with becoming parental units. I understand the benefits of cosleeping, too, but - when does that come around to ending? Thing is - I agree with hopingforachange also in that - it isn't YOU, it is something in your H's head. My Ex liked porn. There were enough times that I had hoped for sex and found or heard him at computer instead - that I know what that feels like - it doesn't just FEEL like he's cheating on you, he IS cheating you out of your sex life (not to mention, flirting with a dangerous substitute - porn can inure the viewer to the real life interaction and end up making "real" sex seem not enough). Thing is - you can't change him, only he can and only if he wants to. Read up on posts here. You will find similarities in other people's stories. For me, when I found the earlier version of this group, I was "only" 3 or 4 years into SM. As I read of the folks who had put up with it for 10, 15, 20 years - I cringed to think "that will be me if I don't DO something" In my case, there was nothing I could "make" my H do to change (his was medical cause root of troubles) - but I could change my own circumstances. You'll find that the lack of sex is not usually the "true" problem but rather a symptom of a dysfunctional power imbalance. This is not (currently) a healthy relationship. If your H cares about maintaining the marriage and household, he will have to work at it. If you care, you may both have to make changes & adjustments. But do not be the only one to give. Because most of our members ARE givers. And the more we give, the more our "taker-spouses" just take. Until it almost takes everything from us. Protect your own self-worth. You deserve better treatment than this. You are worthy of a mate who will take your needs into account and not just run off on his own, satisfying his own needs without regard to you. We are a good source of support. I hope you will find the site helpful.
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Post by obobfla on Mar 9, 2017 20:30:34 GMT -5
I am not going to defend your husband, but I can definitely relate to what he is going through. There was a time in his life where sex was really easy. You did the deed and moved on. Parenthood is all the way on the other end of the spectrum from porn. It shows the total involvement of sex - being emotional and supportive while bringing new life into the world. After all, sex is how we procreate. Porn is easy. You watch a fantasy come to life without any emotional attachment. You don't need to worry about a partner's feelings. It's all about getting off.
If I have a suggestion, put the baby in a separate room, grab some toys, and play with your husband. If he doesn't go for that, tell him you will take your toys elsewhere and find another playmate.
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Post by rejected101 on Mar 9, 2017 20:47:59 GMT -5
My husband and i have been together for 4 years and married for 2. I got pregnant around the same time we got married and since i got pregnant we have sex maybe once a month (if that). Sometimes we go 2-3 months! We used to at least once a week but usually more. He started a new job...more responsibility and longer hours. Our son is now 15 months old and very high maintenance. So basically the only time we have the opportunity is when he gets home and baby is asleep (who still co-sleeps with us since I'm still nursing him). Since the decline in sex 2 years ago i found out he occasionally watches porn on his phone. I'm so upset about this and have confronted him but he lies. I also ask him why we don't have sex and he says it's because the baby is in bed with us. But when we do on these rare occasions it obviously doesn't bother him. Plus we dont nessasarily have to do it only in bed. I feel like he would rather watch porn than be intimate. He is still very affectionate and loving. But the lack of intimacy is really putting me into a depressed mood and the porn gives me anxiety. I feel as if he is cheating on me. He says he's still attracted to me and loves me so i just really don't get it. I'm completely willing and available. I have even put things on for him for when he gets home...yet nothing. I'm at a loss as to what to do and now it's seriously taking a toll on my emotional health. I've barely eaten all week and cry every day. It's gotten worse since i saw the most recent porn. Snap. My wife seems to prefer jacking off to porn then riding a real dick. I don't get it. It's very selfish and crushes your self esteem. |
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Post by baza on Mar 9, 2017 21:25:32 GMT -5
It usually takes a minimum of 5 years of this shit to get the marriage into ILIASM shithole status.
And once ILIASM shithole status is established, it's over. There's no coming back from that.
Your deal has not, yet, hit that 5 year benchmark.
He's got issues obviously.
And just as obviously, so do you.
What he might do about his issues is a matter beyond your control.
What you might do about your issues is a matter that IS under your control.
Perhaps this is a case where the "scented candles" strategy is worth a whirl.
It can't hurt.
If you have a crack at that, one of two things will happen.
#1 - it will work
or
#2 - it won't work - in which case you'll know that your deal has in fact hit ILIASM shithole status
If you are planning on doing anything here, I would suggest that you start on it real quick, as in yesterday, and jump on the problem feet first as hard as you can and as quick as you can.
Time is NOT your friend in these situations.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 9, 2017 21:35:54 GMT -5
I'm sorry that you find yourself here.
It seems you and your husband are running a narrative that says:
a) he's really busy and tired in his new job
b) he's really busy and tired in his role as parent
c) porn is a factor in this, somewhere
d) there's a toddler in the bed and it's a damper on the sex life
Consider that you are in the same marriage as him, and YOU want to have sex.
Consider that when you want to have sex, it's because you find it brings you closer and is fulfilling, restorative. A person who does NOT want to have sex with you will find it to be depletive - another chore or obligation. It's not that he doesn't have a libido - the porn indicates that. It's that he doesn't want to have sex with you, specifically. There can be all kinds of reasons for this.
The easiest one to rule out is the presence of the kid in your bed. Remove the toddler from your bed. Go through the co-sleeping withdrawal - Ferber method. Hard? Painful? Yes, likely. In the long run it has the best crack at saving you and your marriage.
This needs to be dealt with, early on, with the seriousness with which you'd treat cancer. Don't let it go on any longer.
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Post by snowman12345 on Mar 9, 2017 23:02:05 GMT -5
Nothing fucks up a sex life better than having a kid.
From what I gather from your post - your issue is boundaries. You have set your husband up to fail by taking away the conjugal bed. You have control here and having junior in bed with you when you want to screw is really shooting yourself in the foot. "Hey Honey, never mind this baby on my tit, come give me a good pounding!" Putting baby in separate accommodations will not harm his psyche - when he wants to eat he will let you know.
Once the baby is out of the bed - be very direct with your husband, don't be demure, no innuendos - he is a man and he won't get it. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are not the momma right now and right now you want to screw.
Once you have that line of communication open let him know how you feel - tell him porn is easy, marriage is hard and unless he can give you what you need when you need it - you may have to decide to go elsewhere.
This just how I would handle it. It's your life and your choices.
Good luck.
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Post by amers715 on Mar 9, 2017 23:31:11 GMT -5
This pisses me off. So sorry you have found yourself here. Bottom line - put your H in his place and give him a reality check. Tell you you need him to get his dick out of his phone because if he doesn't want you then plenty of other men will want you and he'll have 2 decades of child support ahead of him. Furthermore he needs to step up his game and it needs to be enthusiastic sex that makes you orgasm like you never have before a minimum of once a week. Tell him he has 24 hours to figure it out. Haha if it were only that easy... |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 9, 2017 23:34:25 GMT -5
I will be a devil advocate because we had some issues, especially myself. Having the child in the bed or even in the same room makes it very hard to switch from momma/ dadda to wife / husband thinking. It also dampens the ability to have the intimate pillow talk of you have to worry about waking the baby. The presex intimacy is needed. Now, I am not defending his porn. I wonder if there is issues with seeing you as mamma rather then as someone to desire physically, they are not mutually exclusive rolls. This is not about how you look or what you wear but something in his head. I would suggest if you have the space in your house or apartment to make the bedroom a baby object free zone at bed time. So there are not things to pull him back into dadda / momma thinking. I never thought of it that way. You may be right. Every time i ask him about it he says because of the baby. I just always thought of it as being an excuse since this actually started when i was pregnant. He does have his own room but still wakes up often to feed so its hard. I guess i need to try and make that transition to see if that fixes tge problem. Thank you so much! |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 9, 2017 23:42:39 GMT -5
welcome here! I hope you find this useful. I think it's great you are here now. Sounds like there is hope to wright this ship. I am going to point out a few things from your information given. He started a new job, more stress longer hours. 15 month old son, very high maintenance. The baby is in bed with us. Rare occasions it doesn't bother him? (he say's it's because the baby is in bed with us) I feel... I feel.... I am depressed.... I have anxiety.....I am so upset.... I confront him....I feel he is cheeting on me......My emotional health....taking a toll on me..... Lets turn this around. My wife started a new job, She loves it more than me, she uses it to get away from me all the time. I love my new baby, he is my life, my meaning, my everything, every moment, and every conversation is about him, what a blessing, and I have to do everything! I put the baby in bed with us he needs me, my wife does just fine. She says it doesn't bother her, but she rarely ever touches me, not even a kiss. My wife doesn't appreciate all that I do for her, I complain to her about it everyday, I tell her all about how difficult the baby was, I'm sure she's cheating on me, there's that guy at work that she talks about. Then I find her in the shower, masturbating! Why does she do that without me? doesn't she know I am tired from being with the baby? She's really taking a toll on me, I took her out to dinner the other night, just us and the baby. She doesn't listen to anything I say about the baby. Does this sound like a man you want to have sex with? Or makes you feel wanted, or needed? Please forgive me if I am way off about this! Your posts sounds like you have been controlling much of your relationship? You have set the boundaries that family comes before marriage. That will crumble. He will soon realize he has been placed on the back burner for 18 months now. The back burner makes him feel very alone. Work and porn give him temporary relief. That's how the enemy works best, when you are alone. I have more experience in this area than I wish to have. As the father of 6, and a stay at home dad, I have changed thousands of diapers. And gone through the, "the new child needs me" routine over and over again. I would suggest you do research on putting your son in the crib, and have him cry it out. Your fortunate to have the internet. Lastly, "I have put things on for him, and yet nothing". (I am not defending him on this one) Could he be missing it? Seriously. Could he be so caught up in all the other negatives, and rejection, that he has given up? It's too complicated, and difficult. Porn is easier. The scented candles may not be enough. You may have to plant seeds. In this case, dump the whole bag! Are you willing to put marriage before baby? Do you want a man that leads and takes control," as long as he does what I tell him to!" I think you may have taken this all wrong. I never complain to him about any of that stuff. He is very affectionate and loving to me as i stated. The only problem is the lack of sex. And i don't even complain to him about that until its been a month and start to get frustrated. Other than that we are best friends. But i feel disconnected to him when we aren't intimate and i just don't understand the porn thing. It was our decision together to co-sleep. But i agree it may be time to put him in his own bed. At least at first so we can go to bed together. |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 9, 2017 23:45:14 GMT -5
amers715 - welcome. Sorry you found yourself here (qualifying) but glad you found us! There are a lot of the current SM folks who can trace back their pattern to coinciding with becoming parental units. I understand the benefits of cosleeping, too, but - when does that come around to ending? Thing is - I agree with hopingforachange also in that - it isn't YOU, it is something in your H's head. My Ex liked porn. There were enough times that I had hoped for sex and found or heard him at computer instead - that I know what that feels like - it doesn't just FEEL like he's cheating on you, he IS cheating you out of your sex life (not to mention, flirting with a dangerous substitute - porn can inure the viewer to the real life interaction and end up making "real" sex seem not enough). Thing is - you can't change him, only he can and only if he wants to. Read up on posts here. You will find similarities in other people's stories. For me, when I found the earlier version of this group, I was "only" 3 or 4 years into SM. As I read of the folks who had put up with it for 10, 15, 20 years - I cringed to think "that will be me if I don't DO something" In my case, there was nothing I could "make" my H do to change (his was medical cause root of troubles) - but I could change my own circumstances. You'll find that the lack of sex is not usually the "true" problem but rather a symptom of a dysfunctional power imbalance. This is not (currently) a healthy relationship. If your H cares about maintaining the marriage and household, he will have to work at it. If you care, you may both have to make changes & adjustments. But do not be the only one to give. Because most of our members ARE givers. And the more we give, the more our "taker-spouses" just take. Until it almost takes everything from us. Protect your own self-worth. You deserve better treatment than this. You are worthy of a mate who will take your needs into account and not just run off on his own, satisfying his own needs without regard to you. We are a good source of support. I hope you will find the site helpful. Thank you so much! I just don't know how to talk to him about it. He gets defensive and mad every time i bring it up. I don't think he really understands how much this is hurting me. |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 9, 2017 23:46:55 GMT -5
I am not going to defend your husband, but I can definitely relate to what he is going through. There was a time in his life where sex was really easy. You did the deed and moved on. Parenthood is all the way on the other end of the spectrum from porn. It shows the total involvement of sex - being emotional and supportive while bringing new life into the world. After all, sex is how we procreate. Porn is easy. You watch a fantasy come to life without any emotional attachment. You don't need to worry about a partner's feelings. It's all about getting off. If I have a suggestion, put the baby in a separate room, grab some toys, and play with your husband. If he doesn't go for that, tell him you will take your toys elsewhere and find another playmate. I think i will try transitioning my baby to his own bed. Obviously if that doesn't fix the problem then it's something else. |
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