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Post by amers715 on Mar 9, 2017 23:47:17 GMT -5
My husband and i have been together for 4 years and married for 2. I got pregnant around the same time we got married and since i got pregnant we have sex maybe once a month (if that). Sometimes we go 2-3 months! We used to at least once a week but usually more. He started a new job...more responsibility and longer hours. Our son is now 15 months old and very high maintenance. So basically the only time we have the opportunity is when he gets home and baby is asleep (who still co-sleeps with us since I'm still nursing him). Since the decline in sex 2 years ago i found out he occasionally watches porn on his phone. I'm so upset about this and have confronted him but he lies. I also ask him why we don't have sex and he says it's because the baby is in bed with us. But when we do on these rare occasions it obviously doesn't bother him. Plus we dont nessasarily have to do it only in bed. I feel like he would rather watch porn than be intimate. He is still very affectionate and loving. But the lack of intimacy is really putting me into a depressed mood and the porn gives me anxiety. I feel as if he is cheating on me. He says he's still attracted to me and loves me so i just really don't get it. I'm completely willing and available. I have even put things on for him for when he gets home...yet nothing. I'm at a loss as to what to do and now it's seriously taking a toll on my emotional health. I've barely eaten all week and cry every day. It's gotten worse since i saw the most recent porn. Snap. My wife seems to prefer jacking off to porn then riding a real dick. I don't get it. It's very selfish and crushes your self esteem. EXACTLY!!! |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 9, 2017 23:51:17 GMT -5
It usually takes a minimum of 5 years of this shit to get the marriage into ILIASM shithole status. And once ILIASM shithole status is established, it's over. There's no coming back from that. Your deal has not, yet, hit that 5 year benchmark. He's got issues obviously. And just as obviously, so do you. What he might do about his issues is a matter beyond your control. What you might do about your issues is a matter that IS under your control. Perhaps this is a case where the "scented candles" strategy is worth a whirl. It can't hurt. If you have a crack at that, one of two things will happen. #1 - it will work or #2 - it won't work - in which case you'll know that your deal has in fact hit ILIASM shithole status If you are planning on doing anything here, I would suggest that you start on it real quick, as in yesterday, and jump on the problem feet first as hard as you can and as quick as you can. Time is NOT your friend in these situations. I thought it would get better after i had our son. Like maybe having sex with me being pregnant weirded him out a little. But even with baby on a schedule going to bed early nothing would happen. I've tried twice the last few weeks with lingerie and nothing. Last time was over a month ago. |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 9, 2017 23:55:58 GMT -5
I'm sorry that you find yourself here. It seems you and your husband are running a narrative that says: a) he's really busy and tired in his new job b) he's really busy and tired in his role as parent c) porn is a factor in this, somewhere d) there's a toddler in the bed and it's a damper on the sex life Consider that you are in the same marriage as him, and YOU want to have sex. Consider that when you want to have sex, it's because you find it brings you closer and is fulfilling, restorative. A person who does NOT want to have sex with you will find it to be depletive - another chore or obligation. It's not that he doesn't have a libido - the porn indicates that. It's that he doesn't want to have sex with you, specifically. There can be all kinds of reasons for this. The easiest one to rule out is the presence of the kid in your bed. Remove the toddler from your bed. Go through the co-sleeping withdrawal - Ferber method. Hard? Painful? Yes, likely. In the long run it has the best crack at saving you and your marriage. This needs to be dealt with, early on, with the seriousness with which you'd treat cancer. Don't let it go on any longer. Seems that is what everyone is saying. I will definitely get on the transitioning my son out of the bed. The problem is he has holding breath spells. So...when he gets upset and cries too long he stops breathing and passes out. I think i could put him in his own bed after he falls asleep and he will sleep for at least 5 hours before waking up again. |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 9, 2017 23:58:20 GMT -5
Nothing fucks up a sex life better than having a kid. From what I gather from your post - your issue is boundaries. You have set your husband up to fail by taking away the conjugal bed. You have control here and having junior in bed with you when you want to screw is really shooting yourself in the foot. "Hey Honey, never mind this baby on my tit, come give me a good pounding!" Putting baby in separate accommodations will not harm his psyche - when he wants to eat he will let you know. Once the baby is out of the bed - be very direct with your husband, don't be demure, no innuendos - he is a man and he won't get it. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are not the momma right now and right now you want to screw. Once you have that line of communication open let him know how you feel - tell him porn is easy, marriage is hard and unless he can give you what you need when you need it - you may have to decide to go elsewhere. This just how I would handle it. It's your life and your choices. Good luck. From all the posts i guess its time for him to go in his own bed. I have 2 daughters too and they slept in their own beds no problem. This one here is so much more demanding. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Mar 10, 2017 1:19:50 GMT -5
amers715 - welcome. Sorry you found yourself here (qualifying) but glad you found us! There are a lot of the current SM folks who can trace back their pattern to coinciding with becoming parental units. I understand the benefits of cosleeping, too, but - when does that come around to ending? Thing is - I agree with hopingforachange also in that - it isn't YOU, it is something in your H's head. My Ex liked porn. There were enough times that I had hoped for sex and found or heard him at computer instead - that I know what that feels like - it doesn't just FEEL like he's cheating on you, he IS cheating you out of your sex life (not to mention, flirting with a dangerous substitute - porn can inure the viewer to the real life interaction and end up making "real" sex seem not enough). Thing is - you can't change him, only he can and only if he wants to. Read up on posts here. You will find similarities in other people's stories. For me, when I found the earlier version of this group, I was "only" 3 or 4 years into SM. As I read of the folks who had put up with it for 10, 15, 20 years - I cringed to think "that will be me if I don't DO something" In my case, there was nothing I could "make" my H do to change (his was medical cause root of troubles) - but I could change my own circumstances. You'll find that the lack of sex is not usually the "true" problem but rather a symptom of a dysfunctional power imbalance. This is not (currently) a healthy relationship. If your H cares about maintaining the marriage and household, he will have to work at it. If you care, you may both have to make changes & adjustments. But do not be the only one to give. Because most of our members ARE givers. And the more we give, the more our "taker-spouses" just take. Until it almost takes everything from us. Protect your own self-worth. You deserve better treatment than this. You are worthy of a mate who will take your needs into account and not just run off on his own, satisfying his own needs without regard to you. We are a good source of support. I hope you will find the site helpful. Thank you so much! I just don't know how to talk to him about it. He gets defensive and mad every time i bring it up. I don't think he really understands how much this is hurting me. You can start the conversation about your little. "I think it is time for baby to be in thier own room all the time now, what do you think..." "I feel like if we have our bed back, as just ours, we will feel more like Mr and Mrs Amers again and not mom and dad"... "Maybe if we can take off our parental hats at night we might be able to feel more comfortable being sexual/intimate/snuggly/into fucking my brains out... Ya know whatever flows!  |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 10, 2017 4:26:47 GMT -5
My husband and i have been together for 4 years and married for 2. I got pregnant around the same time we got married and since i got pregnant we have sex maybe once a month (if that). Sometimes we go 2-3 months! We used to at least once a week but usually more. He started a new job...more responsibility and longer hours. Our son is now 15 months old and very high maintenance. So basically the only time we have the opportunity is when he gets home and baby is asleep (who still co-sleeps with us since I'm still nursing him). Since the decline in sex 2 years ago i found out he occasionally watches porn on his phone. I'm so upset about this and have confronted him but he lies. I also ask him why we don't have sex and he says it's because the baby is in bed with us. But when we do on these rare occasions it obviously doesn't bother him. Plus we dont nessasarily have to do it only in bed. I feel like he would rather watch porn than be intimate. He is still very affectionate and loving. But the lack of intimacy is really putting me into a depressed mood and the porn gives me anxiety. I feel as if he is cheating on me. He says he's still attracted to me and loves me so i just really don't get it. I'm completely willing and available. I have even put things on for him for when he gets home...yet nothing. I'm at a loss as to what to do and now it's seriously taking a toll on my emotional health. I've barely eaten all week and cry every day. It's gotten worse since i saw the most recent porn. As a MAN let me give you my perspective - he is now starting to think of you non-sexually as a mother and the porn on the phone has a HIGH chance of being the first steps to looking for Sex elsewhere. You have got to address this now - in my opinion - this is not a "passing phase", rather it is the "beginning of the beginning". Definitely you must confront him and tell him everything you are feeling and your needs - be as detailed as possible (as a Man, I can tell you us guys are really bad mind readers and so there is no excuse on his part). There are two general types of "Sexless Marriage" or "SM" partners - those that are generally Anti-Sex and then those that are only Anti-Sex towards their specific spouse. Here since he is watching Porn he is looking for an escape or something and feeding his animal lust but not LOVE with you he should be getting both / everything LOVE/LUST/INTIMACY etc. Good luck and YOU ARE NOT ALONE any more. Welcome ! ! ! |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 10, 2017 8:48:51 GMT -5
I will be a devil advocate because we had some issues, especially myself. Having the child in the bed or even in the same room makes it very hard to switch from momma/ dadda to wife / husband thinking. It also dampens the ability to have the intimate pillow talk of you have to worry about waking the baby. The presex intimacy is needed. Now, I am not defending his porn. I wonder if there is issues with seeing you as mamma rather then as someone to desire physically, they are not mutually exclusive rolls. This is not about how you look or what you wear but something in his head. I would suggest if you have the space in your house or apartment to make the bedroom a baby object free zone at bed time. So there are not things to pull him back into dadda / momma thinking. I've got to go back a bit in time here, but I'd tend to agree. Having the child in the bed would be a serious "mood killer". This isn't the right word, but I'm struggling for another one, but it is almost a little bit "perverse" having sex in front of one of the kids. When they are 2 months old, sure. But when they can walk and talk? Yeah, that would be more than a bit creepy to me. I'd say it's time to wean junior, get him into his own bed, and see what happens next. One question. When you do have sex, where does the toddler go now? Do you have a crib in the room? Maybe a good intermediate step (although I'd still be weireded out with my kid in the room). I don't really have any comment on the porn. There is a difference between watching porn and having it take over your life. I can't tell enough from your post where you husband is on that spectrum. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 10, 2017 9:01:56 GMT -5
From looking at the time line, it looks like you had maybe 1 month to go from fiancé to bride to wife to mother of his child ( different from mother of some one elses). Changes that quick are stressful and didn't let both of you ingrain the new heathy behaviors.
Also during birthing did he see more then he wanted or did that view change things? I have an indirect friend that saw everything and struggled with how he sees the lady parts. He saw it for a long time as the birthing canal and no long as the sexy vagina.
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Post by iceman on Mar 10, 2017 10:05:09 GMT -5
I strongly agree with all the others that you need to move your baby into his own bed. I know it's not easy but it's blurring the line for you and your husband between mother/father and husband/wife. You and he may not even realize it's happening. That impacts so much of the interaction between you.
He needs to know in no uncertain terms that the situation is not acceptable to you. If you haven't had a frank discussion with him where you have told him how unacceptable the situation is don't assume he realizes it. He may know you're unhappy at times but not to the degree you apparently are without the talk. Hints and assuming he understands your feelings and actions aren't enough.
As for the porn is it a problem or is it a symptom of the larger situation? To me porn itself is harmless. It provides a purely physical no strings attached sexual outlet. It's a problem if it's truly a substitute for sex with you or it becomes a gateway for straying outside the marriage if he finds the screen and his hand doesnt provide the sexual outlet he needs and he won't turn to you. Or is it a symptom of the situatuon where the line between your relationship as parents and your relationship as sexual partners have blurred? How often is he looking at porn? Is it an occasional thing or does he do it a lot? Do you know why he lies about it. Would he have some guilt about watching it where he won't admit to it out of shame? Do you find porn itself as being objectionable? Would you offer to watch it with him as a form of foreplay?
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Post by wom360 on Mar 10, 2017 10:16:00 GMT -5
What's the difference in your pre-pregnancy and today's weight?
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Post by amers715 on Mar 10, 2017 10:55:04 GMT -5
My husband and i have been together for 4 years and married for 2. I got pregnant around the same time we got married and since i got pregnant we have sex maybe once a month (if that). Sometimes we go 2-3 months! We used to at least once a week but usually more. He started a new job...more responsibility and longer hours. Our son is now 15 months old and very high maintenance. So basically the only time we have the opportunity is when he gets home and baby is asleep (who still co-sleeps with us since I'm still nursing him). Since the decline in sex 2 years ago i found out he occasionally watches porn on his phone. I'm so upset about this and have confronted him but he lies. I also ask him why we don't have sex and he says it's because the baby is in bed with us. But when we do on these rare occasions it obviously doesn't bother him. Plus we dont nessasarily have to do it only in bed. I feel like he would rather watch porn than be intimate. He is still very affectionate and loving. But the lack of intimacy is really putting me into a depressed mood and the porn gives me anxiety. I feel as if he is cheating on me. He says he's still attracted to me and loves me so i just really don't get it. I'm completely willing and available. I have even put things on for him for when he gets home...yet nothing. I'm at a loss as to what to do and now it's seriously taking a toll on my emotional health. I've barely eaten all week and cry every day. It's gotten worse since i saw the most recent porn. As a MAN let me give you my perspective - he is now starting to think of you non-sexually as a mother and the porn on the phone has a HIGH chance of being the first steps to looking for Sex elsewhere. You have got to address this now - in my opinion - this is not a "passing phase", rather it is the "beginning of the beginning". Definitely you must confront him and tell him everything you are feeling and your needs - be as detailed as possible (as a Man, I can tell you us guys are really bad mind readers and so there is no excuse on his part). There are two general types of "Sexless Marriage" or "SM" partners - those that are generally Anti-Sex and then those that are only Anti-Sex towards their specific spouse. Here since he is watching Porn he is looking for an escape or something and feeding his animal lust but not LOVE with you he should be getting both / everything LOVE/LUST/INTIMACY etc. Good luck and YOU ARE NOT ALONE any more. Welcome ! ! ! I definitely don't think he would actually cheat on me. I think he uses the porn when we haven't in awhile. But i do agree the baby needs to be in his own bed now. |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 10, 2017 11:00:08 GMT -5
I will be a devil advocate because we had some issues, especially myself. Having the child in the bed or even in the same room makes it very hard to switch from momma/ dadda to wife / husband thinking. It also dampens the ability to have the intimate pillow talk of you have to worry about waking the baby. The presex intimacy is needed. Now, I am not defending his porn. I wonder if there is issues with seeing you as mamma rather then as someone to desire physically, they are not mutually exclusive rolls. This is not about how you look or what you wear but something in his head. I would suggest if you have the space in your house or apartment to make the bedroom a baby object free zone at bed time. So there are not things to pull him back into dadda / momma thinking. I've got to go back a bit in time here, but I'd tend to agree. Having the child in the bed would be a serious "mood killer". This isn't the right word, but I'm struggling for another one, but it is almost a little bit "perverse" having sex in front of one of the kids. When they are 2 months old, sure. But when they can walk and talk? Yeah, that would be more than a bit creepy to me. I'd say it's time to wean junior, get him into his own bed, and see what happens next. One question. When you do have sex, where does the toddler go now? Do you have a crib in the room? Maybe a good intermediate step (although I'd still be weireded out with my kid in the room). I don't really have any comment on the porn. There is a difference between watching porn and having it take over your life. I can't tell enough from your post where you husband is on that spectrum. I do have a crib in our room but most of the time he's in our bed cause he sleeps better. I guess its time to transition him into his own room. As for the porn...its not all the time. Its every few months or so. Pretty much when we haven't for awhile. But recently a few days in a row and that got me worried. |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 10, 2017 11:01:19 GMT -5
From looking at the time line, it looks like you had maybe 1 month to go from fiancé to bride to wife to mother of his child ( different from mother of some one elses). Changes that quick are stressful and didn't let both of you ingrain the new heathy behaviors. Also during birthing did he see more then he wanted or did that view change things? I have an indirect friend that saw everything and struggled with how he sees the lady parts. He saw it for a long time as the birthing canal and no long as the sexy vagina. I had a c-section so he didn't see anything at all. And the less sex started happening when i was pregnant. |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 10, 2017 11:05:32 GMT -5
I strongly agree with all the others that you need to move your baby into his own bed. I know it's not easy but it's blurring the line for you and your husband between mother/father and husband/wife. You and he may not even realize it's happening. That impacts so much of the interaction between you. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that the situation is not acceptable to you. If you haven't had a frank discussion with him where you have told him how unacceptable the situation is don't assume he realizes it. He may know you're unhappy at times but not to the degree you apparently are without the talk. Hints and assuming he understands your feelings and actions aren't enough. As for the porn is it a problem or is it a symptom of the larger situation? To me porn itself is harmless. It provides a purely physical no strings attached sexual outlet. It's a problem if it's truly a substitute for sex with you or it becomes a gateway for straying outside the marriage if he finds the screen and his hand doesnt provide the sexual outlet he needs and he won't turn to you. Or is it a symptom of the situatuon where the line between your relationship as parents and your relationship as sexual partners have blurred? How often is he looking at porn? Is it an occasional thing or does he do it a lot? Do you know why he lies about it. Would he have some guilt about watching it where he won't admit to it out of shame? Do you find porn itself as being objectionable? Would you offer to watch it with him as a form of foreplay? I agree the baby situation needs to change. He doesn't watch the porn all the time. Only occasionally...but lately a lot more. And that concerns me. |
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Post by amers715 on Mar 10, 2017 11:06:45 GMT -5
What's the difference in your pre-pregnancy and today's weight? Nothing. I got right back to my prepregnancy weight at 6 months. I weigh 125, workout, and eat healthy. |
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