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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 7, 2017 12:18:56 GMT -5
Here's a different take: Let it happen! If your like me, you have nothing to hide, and never will! So who comes out smelling like a dead fish? The manipulative controller! An attorney will have a field day with it. It also brings up the ugly question, "what else does she have to hide from you?" Many times what a narc. accuses you of doing, they are doing it themselves. A year ago I discovered that my W. was tracking all my phone calls and computer use, along with the children's. I got to see my daily use of both on a pie chart. This was brought up in therapy with 3 questions. Why is my name included in this? why isn't her name on there? Why is she able to see all my emails, and hers weren't on there? So, for about two months I was able to see her emails and go back about 2 yrs. I discovered "interesting advice" being given to her from her relatives. (we will leave it at that). Ironically it didn't last long. She stopped using that email and switched accounts to her work computer, so I have no access. I later went out and purchased my own computer, with my own passwords,and I carry it with me everywhere. WOW! Piecharts???!! Yup piecharts, (not my favorite kind of "graphic") It showed how much time the kids were spending on the computer, and their phones. It broke it down, showing school work. Yet there was one for me too? All it did was confirm how little time I spent on the computer, and my phone! It also smells of manipulative control, and projection.. Especially the money side of things. My neighbor keeps saying," I'll bet she is storing a large amount of cash somewhere, it's probably in her trunk or at her sisters house, that's why she keeps after you about the smallest amounts of money. She has a load of cash she keeps storing" There's the projection. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2017 15:53:00 GMT -5
Ah, the old double standard.
It's OK for her to cheat you out of a reasonable sex life. It's not OK for you to outsource because that would be "cheating" (although you wouldn't be taking anything away from her that she wants. But as Everybody™ knows, marital infidelity is worse than homicide.)
Get a burner phone for anything you want to keep private (like your attorney's number.)
Use some of the suggestions others have made for playing games with the phone, and mess with her mind. She deserves it.
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Post by snowman12345 on Mar 9, 2017 6:34:34 GMT -5
iceman next opportunity you have at seeing what she is up to on her phone - get a picture of it. Build your own evidence based case. You might not need it, but it is better to have it and not need it than vice versa. You now know she is doing this to you!
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Post by snowman12345 on Mar 9, 2017 6:36:16 GMT -5
Yup piecharts, (not my favorite kind of "graphic") It showed how much time the kids were spending on the computer, and their phones. It broke it down, showing school work. Yet there was one for me too? All it did was confirm how little time I spent on the computer, and my phone! It also smells of manipulative control, and projection.. Especially the money side of things. My neighbor keeps saying," I'll bet she is storing a large amount of cash somewhere, it's probably in her trunk or at her sisters house, that's why she keeps after you about the smallest amounts of money. She has a load of cash she keeps storing" There's the projection. Your neighbor is probably right. |
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Post by Dan on Mar 15, 2017 7:56:51 GMT -5
.... But as Everybody™ knows, marital infidelity is worse than homicide.) My mother -- a cantankerous, funny, wise, smart, socially-liberal Catholic -- would muse: "I don't believe in divorce. Murder, maybe, but not divorce." |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 15, 2017 8:08:12 GMT -5
As my wife and I work our way through the maze of divorce there are a lot of items to consider. Yesterday we installed the cozi app to share out calendar.
She also wanted to install the life360 app to track the kids whereabouts. In reality I think she wants to track mine too.
I'm actually OK with that. I'm not having an affair. I have nothing to hide, and if it eases her mind I'm not leaving because of another woman (the fact I'm leaving because of NO woman seems to be a fact she can't process) so much the better.
Granted, once we are divorced my location will no longer be tracked but if it helps keep the peace between now and then? So be it.
The big difference is that I know about it and installed the app myself.
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Post by iceman on Mar 15, 2017 9:44:12 GMT -5
As my wife and I work our way through the maze of divorce there are a lot of items to consider. Yesterday we installed the cozi app to share out calendar. She also wanted to install the life360 app to track the kids whereabouts. In reality I think she wants to track mine too. I'm actually OK with that. I'm not having an affair. I have nothing to hide, and if it eases her mind I'm not leaving because of another woman (the fact I'm leaving because of NO woman seems to be a fact she can't process) so much the better. Granted, once we are divorced my location will no longer be tracked but if it helps keep the peace between now and then? So be it. The big difference is that I know about it and installed the app myself. I think my wife would be more comfortable if I were having an affair. It would take the focus off of her part in this marital debacle and allow her to take the moral high road. I would be in the wrong and it would confirm to her that she's done nothing wrong that she would need to address. Plus she just can't seem to process that I'm not interested in sex with her but I'm also not getting sex somewhere else. It just doesn't compute in her mind. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 15, 2017 9:55:55 GMT -5
As my wife and I work our way through the maze of divorce there are a lot of items to consider. Yesterday we installed the cozi app to share out calendar. She also wanted to install the life360 app to track the kids whereabouts. In reality I think she wants to track mine too. I'm actually OK with that. I'm not having an affair. I have nothing to hide, and if it eases her mind I'm not leaving because of another woman (the fact I'm leaving because of NO woman seems to be a fact she can't process) so much the better. Granted, once we are divorced my location will no longer be tracked but if it helps keep the peace between now and then? So be it. The big difference is that I know about it and installed the app myself. Sounds doable. You may find your travels barely change. An extra trip to an attorneys office, trips to the bank, maybe an evening with a friend or two (whichever grabbed your ass first LOL!) I would want a level playing field from the beginning. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, sort of approach. It may open the door for finding out how she handles such information. How controlling she want's to be with it. On the other hand, even if there's "nothing to hide" it's none of her business, now and in the future! Time to put on her big girl panties and realize her childish behavior. It's the way it is, the way it will remain in the future, and the way it should have been in a healthy marriage. Married adults who are allowed the freedom to make adult decisions, and not manipulating someone by constantly controlling their lives by having a say (approve or disapprove) of their travels. So, so, many times it ends up being a lot about NOTHING! Yet is there ever an apology? NO. Is there a learning experience on either side? No. It ends up becoming the norm. One remains passive, the other is allowed to over step boundaries and be aggressive. You are going to have to decide if you want to step up to these things and start dealing with the friction. I am guilty of thinking, " let it go, it's her problem, I am getting out of here anyways, don't rock the boat." Do you expose the truth for what it is? including your own flaws for allowing such things to occur for as long as they did/ Or continue to sweep it under the rug, thinking, "I won't let that happen again, from her, or with anyone else,and I have learned from it?" I don't have an answer! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 15, 2017 10:27:51 GMT -5
As my wife and I work our way through the maze of divorce there are a lot of items to consider. Yesterday we installed the cozi app to share out calendar. She also wanted to install the life360 app to track the kids whereabouts. In reality I think she wants to track mine too. I'm actually OK with that. I'm not having an affair. I have nothing to hide, and if it eases her mind I'm not leaving because of another woman (the fact I'm leaving because of NO woman seems to be a fact she can't process) so much the better. Granted, once we are divorced my location will no longer be tracked but if it helps keep the peace between now and then? So be it. The big difference is that I know about it and installed the app myself. I think my wife would be more comfortable if I were having an affair. It would take the focus off of her part in this marital debacle and allow her to take the moral high road. I would be in the wrong and it would confirm to her that she's done nothing wrong that she would need to address. Plus she just can't seem to process that I'm not interested in sex with her but I'm also not getting sex somewhere else. It just doesn't compute in her mind. On a bit of a side note: My therapist once asked me, "What would you think if you did find out your wife was having an affair?" My response was, " that would be great! Good for her! At least I would know why this is happening?" I think ,that told my therapist that I was not controlling, or jealous, or only thinking of myself. We won't even go down the moral high road. That's a two way low road, in reality, full of why answers that seldom get talked about, when discussing morals. After having more time to think about it, and reading from others who have gone through it, it brought up even more, "why" questions, than it may have answered! I did reach a conclusion (correct or not) that my STBX is grey sexual. Thanks to much input and info. from beachguy. |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 15, 2017 11:26:56 GMT -5
Just to clarify, my STBX isn't just tracking me and the kids. Her location is available to all of us as well. From her perspective, In the past year I've gained confidence, lost a bunch of weight, got into really good shape, stopped drinking, playing video games, etc...Oh yeah, and asked for a divorce.
I'm just saying that it isn't surprising to me that she might suspect I'm getting some on the side. It also isn't surprising if she thinks this to be hostile. So let her track my location. Like I said, I've got nothing to hide, and if it sets her mind at ease that the reasons I'm leaving her are actually real? Then maybe she can come to accept this a bit quicker. And that is in EVERYONE's best interest.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 15, 2017 11:45:45 GMT -5
Just to clarify, my STBX isn't just tracking me and the kids. Her location is available to all of us as well. From her perspective, In the past year I've gained confidence, lost a bunch of weight, got into really good shape, stopped drinking, playing video games, etc...Oh yeah, and asked for a divorce. I'm just saying that it isn't surprising to me that she might suspect I'm getting some on the side. It also isn't surprising if she thinks this to be hostile. So let her track my location. Like I said, I've got nothing to hide, and if it sets her mind at ease that the reasons I'm leaving her are actually real? Then maybe she can come to accept this a bit quicker. And that is in EVERYONE's best interest. Just a knee jerk response: You are being far too generous! (part of the problem, maybe?) Her suspicions, false accusations, thoughts , worries, emotions, and lack of any evidence that your behavior is "hostile" should confirm for you that she has her own insecurities to deal with. While you, my friend, are allowed to freely remain on your own path of self awareness and healing. She doesn't realize it, but you can, and are, giving her a good example to follow. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 15, 2017 13:16:13 GMT -5
I've been down this road before.
As it turned out, my wife was projecting. She was the one who was having an affair. I think in her mind she desperately needed the confirmation to equivocate our moral positions - the guilt was consuming her, and my own affair would have been a release valve.
It's very common for people who are engaged in affairs to suddenly accuse their partners of affairs.
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Post by lyn on Mar 15, 2017 13:54:58 GMT -5
Just to clarify, my STBX isn't just tracking me and the kids. Her location is available to all of us as well. From her perspective, In the past year I've gained confidence, lost a bunch of weight, got into really good shape, stopped drinking, playing video games, etc...Oh yeah, and asked for a divorce. I'm just saying that it isn't surprising to me that she might suspect I'm getting some on the side. It also isn't surprising if she thinks this to be hostile. So let her track my location. Like I said, I've got nothing to hide, and if it sets her mind at ease that the reasons I'm leaving her are actually real? Then maybe she can come to accept this a bit quicker. And that is in EVERYONE's best interest. What I like about this is it provides at least the potential for keeping a semblance of peace during the painful disentanglement of your marriage. If you can keep your spouse from being on the defensive, for any reason, it could allow HER the opportunity to participate in the uncoupling in a much more proactive manner. If she's thinking you've got a little something on the side, she WILL be on the defensive and this mentality will make the divorce process so much more difficult for everyone involved. So, I don't see this as a classic manipulation by your stbx - you, on the other hand are doing some master manipulation here with her. Let me stress this, manipulation is NOT always a bad thing. Sometimes it's necessary. This seems to be one of those times. I agree though, the "ankle bracelet" should come off once you actually exit. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Mar 25, 2017 18:55:26 GMT -5
I had been suspicious that my wife has been keeping tabs on me through the 'Find my iPhone' app and I confirmed it this weekend. I came home from the gym and she had left her phone on the bedside table. The screen was on and it was her finding me with the app a couple of hours ago. I don't know why the phone didn't go to sleep. I was right where I said I'd be. She has been overtly accusing me of having an affair with no evidence other than I show no interest in her. It's really getting tiresome. I'm not having an affair, never had one, but it's really hard to prove that I'm not having an affair. Hard to prove a negative and I've just given up trying. It bothers me that she is doing this. Makes me think about how my innocent whereabouts might look to her delusional mind. Nobody likes to have 'Big Brother' watching over them. Unless your big brother and your having an affair. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Mar 27, 2017 8:11:14 GMT -5
As my wife and I work our way through the maze of divorce there are a lot of items to consider. Yesterday we installed the cozi app to share out calendar. She also wanted to install the life360 app to track the kids whereabouts. In reality I think she wants to track mine too. I'm actually OK with that. I'm not having an affair. I have nothing to hide, and if it eases her mind I'm not leaving because of another woman (the fact I'm leaving because of NO woman seems to be a fact she can't process) so much the better. Granted, once we are divorced my location will no longer be tracked but if it helps keep the peace between now and then? So be it. The big difference is that I know about it and installed the app myself. I think my wife would be more comfortable if I were having an affair. It would take the focus off of her part in this marital debacle and allow her to take the moral high road. I would be in the wrong and it would confirm to her that she's done nothing wrong that she would need to address. Plus she just can't seem to process that I'm not interested in sex with her but I'm also not getting sex somewhere else. It just doesn't compute in her mind. My partner seems to have enough self-righteousness to take the moral high road regardless. She knows that I won't have an affair because I take my loyalty to her seriously. But this isn't good enough. She is in the right and I am wrong because I expect regular sex and it is wrong that I should have expectations of her and I should simply accept her as she is. She actually blames my interest in sex on my having some form of mental illness. For all I know, she thinks that normal marriages don't actually involve sex. SaveSave |
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