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Post by iceman on Mar 6, 2017 13:03:18 GMT -5
Is this an Android or apple phone? Apple |
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Post by iceman on Mar 6, 2017 13:11:13 GMT -5
This is classic - It seems to me that many of our "refusers" (for lack of a batter term) are master manipulators. Just spitballing here iceman , but this certainly meets the criteria as manipulation in order to gain or keep control over the situation - but really just control over you. After learning about so many of our refusing spouses, it's become obvious to me that there are a few basic personality traits that many of them seem to share. -Manipulative /controlling -Dismissive /controlling -Withholding /controlling The list could go on and on - As we all know, "a sm messes with your head and gets you thinking weird shit" to paraphrase our friend Baz. This is absolutely true. Tracking (i.e. stalking) you via your cell phone is a GAME to your wife - more than likely (may be entirely subconscious game on her part - but this is exactly what it is). Much like a sociopath (which some of our refusers are), life is basically a game. They have so little depth on the inside that they tend to play mind games with people. Many times, I don't even think they realize they're playing these games - however, many times they know exactly what they're doing. Often times, from what I understand of this dynamic - when one spouse is constantly accusing the other of cheating, lying, etc, the spouse that is doing the accusing is often guilty of the very actions the innocent and manipulated spouse is being accused of. Maybe something to confront your wife about. The innocent party (you in this case) is forced to attempt to justify yourself, your life, where you've been, what you've been doing, etc. etc. etc. Where there is no rational reason for this bizarre conversation in the first place. Leaving the innocent feeling confused, anxious, unheard, "guilty", etc. This behavioral dynamic feeds the psyche of the manipulative, refusing spouse. The more we play it, the more we give our energy to them and lose our own. Maybe you are covering up somethings - if you are, it's your business. I would highly suggest deleting the "find your phone" app - just don't lose your phone. Tell her to stop trying to track you. I have no doubt that she's not functioning at a rational level. She's always had the tendancy to conjure up situations in her mind and run with them to the worse case scenario and actually believe that her thoughts were true, about a lot of different things. Distancing myself from her and becoming more or less indifferent has really put her over the edge. If only I did have something to cover up. Maybe I'd be happier. At least I'd feel that maybe the surveillance was justified. |
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Post by leifericson on Mar 6, 2017 13:15:36 GMT -5
Sounds like a complete control issue. You don't control your bod. You can't have sexy and you have to account for your whereabouts. If it bothers you you can jury your phone off when you leave the houseor call the phone provider and turn that feature off. Turn the phone off and buy a burner phone. Turning the phone off would cause problems and would just cause her to become more suspicious. There have been a few times when she's tried to call/text me and the calls/texts never showed on my phone. When I returned home she started interrogating me and I showed her that I never received the calls she started going off about how I was hiding something by turning my phone off. If I had somebody to call I'd get a burner. Walmart, target, CVS should all sell throw away phones. You purchase minutes with them. |
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Post by iceman on Mar 6, 2017 13:17:06 GMT -5
I had been suspicious that my wife has been keeping tabs on me through the 'Find my iPhone' app and I confirmed it this weekend. I came home from the gym and she had left her phone on the bedside table. The screen was on and it was her finding me with the app a couple of hours ago. I don't know why the phone didn't go to sleep. I was right where I said I'd be. She has been overtly accusing me of having an affair with no evidence other than I show no interest in her. It's really getting tiresome. I'm not having an affair, never had one, but it's really hard to prove that I'm not having an affair. Hard to prove a negative and I've just given up trying. It bothers me that she is doing this. Makes me think about how my innocent whereabouts might look to her delusional mind. Nobody likes to have 'Big Brother' watching over them. Yeah, I'd certainly be beyond pissed if this was being done to me. For me, it's the principle of it all. I believe we should all be granted a little bit of privacy from our spouses. That's just me though. The whole trust thing sucks ass too. It's especially crappy since you've been faithful. I'm totally with you, no one wants to feel like they're being watched like that. I agree about your concerns about being potentially accused of something due to something completely innocent. It just opens the door for a lot of misunderstanding or assumptions. It's just all kinds of crappy if you ask me. This is a tricky spot too because you discovered her app use by accident. So if you confront her, she may think you were digging through her phone and invading HER privacy (even though you weren't). Normally I'd suggest a direct approach and just tell her that her tracking you is unacceptable and that you won't tolerate it. This accidental discovery of her app certainly throws a wrench into things if you ask me though. I'm not sure what to suggest. This situation just sucks. Sorry to hear you are having to deal with it. I'm just going to keep quiet about it. I'll store it away for later use. It's enough to know she's doing it. It pisses me off but knowledge is power.... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 6, 2017 13:18:55 GMT -5
Here's a different take: Let it happen! If your like me, you have nothing to hide, and never will! So who comes out smelling like a dead fish? The manipulative controller!
An attorney will have a field day with it. It also brings up the ugly question, "what else does she have to hide from you?" Many times what a narc. accuses you of doing, they are doing it themselves.
A year ago I discovered that my W. was tracking all my phone calls and computer use, along with the children's. I got to see my daily use of both on a pie chart. This was brought up in therapy with 3 questions. Why is my name included in this? why isn't her name on there? Why is she able to see all my emails, and hers weren't on there?
So, for about two months I was able to see her emails and go back about 2 yrs. I discovered "interesting advice" being given to her from her relatives. (we will leave it at that). Ironically it didn't last long. She stopped using that email and switched accounts to her work computer, so I have no access. I later went out and purchased my own computer, with my own passwords,and I carry it with me everywhere.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 6, 2017 13:24:31 GMT -5
Sounds like a complete control issue. You don't control your bod. You can't have sexy and you have to account for your whereabouts. If it bothers you you can jury your phone off when you leave the houseor call the phone provider and turn that feature off. Turn the phone off and buy a burner phone. Turning the phone off would cause problems and would just cause her to become more suspicious. There have been a few times when she's tried to call/text me and the calls/texts never showed on my phone. When I returned home she started interrogating me and I showed her that I never received the calls she started going off about how I was hiding something by turning my phone off. If I had somebody to call I'd get a burner. My wife accused me of missing all these calls, and being late at picking up our son. I showed my son the one message I had gotten from him hours earlier, and how nothing was on my phone. Never mind that I was helping someone move, lots of bending over, and didn't want it falling out of my pocket. My son tells me, "mom got you the cheapest free phone, your phones terrible, you need a new one, a better one, she knows how bad your phone service is!" |
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Post by iceman on Mar 6, 2017 13:26:44 GMT -5
Your options: • Confront her, tell her it is unacceptable, ask her to stop; ask her to PROVE that she has stopped; if she can't to your satisfaction, get a new Apple ID or even a new cellphone plan where she does not have this sort of access. • Let it go on, without her knowing you know. Just be where you say you are going to be. Reserve a discussion of this for later -- when she has N months or years of "non-evidence" -- THEN confront her. • Actively subvert it without her knowledge: find apps that let you "pretend" to be somewhere you are not (faking out your phone's "Where's My Phone" reporting). Sometimes just set it to show you are someplace you are not. Maybe you are covering your tracks (hiding where you are) or just messing with her. Maybe sometime set it to be someplace implausible: saying you are in Saskatchewan, even though she knows you are just down the street at the store. Maybe she'll give up on this as unreliable/broken. NOTE: be especially careful of apps that let you -- and therefore possibly someone else -- track the HISTORY of where you've been. These are devious, as she could -- in principle -- look NOW at every place you've been to in the past 24 or 48 hours. THAT is much worse than her being able to snoop "where am I now". One more option: • Use this as a pivot to The Talk™: "It is clear you don't really trust me if you are snooping on me. Let's just call it like it is: we're not having sex, and I hate that. You apparently don't trust me enough to treat me like an adult. That adds up to 'the marriage is too broken to fix'. Let's agree that it is time to separate." I'm going to just let it lie. I don't think she knows that I know. It might be useful later. And you're right, it's a good talking point for the 'Talk'. If she has questions about where I've been I'd be happy to answer them but she won't ask. She just makes assumptions and comes up with scenarios that match her warped thoughts and down the rabbit hole she goes. I've thought about messing with her to see if I can get her to confront me openly. Maybe go see my ex and accidentally leave the phone at her place for a few hours. But as satisfying as that might be in the short term it's probably not worth the inevitable shit storm that would ensue. |
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Post by iceman on Mar 6, 2017 13:34:57 GMT -5
Here's a different take: Let it happen! If your like me, you have nothing to hide, and never will! So who comes out smelling like a dead fish? The manipulative controller! An attorney will have a field day with it. It also brings up the ugly question, "what else does she have to hide from you?" Many times what a narc. accuses you of doing, they are doing it themselves. A year ago I discovered that my W. was tracking all my phone calls and computer use, along with the children's. I got to see my daily use of both on a pie chart. This was brought up in therapy with 3 questions. Why is my name included in this? why isn't her name on there? Why is she able to see all my emails, and hers weren't on there? So, for about two months I was able to see her emails and go back about 2 yrs. I discovered "interesting advice" being given to her from her relatives. (we will leave it at that). Ironically it didn't last long. She stopped using that email and switched accounts to her work computer, so I have no access. I later went out and purchased my own computer, with my own passwords,and I carry it with me everywhere. I'm really trying just to ignore and live my life without thinking about it but I catch myself thinking about what my wife would be thinking if she's tracking me when I go someplace. That's what pisses me off. She's controlling my thinking. I've starting paying for everything with our joint credit card so it gives an audit trail of places I've been if she asks what I was doing in a particular place. Again she's manipulating me. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 6, 2017 13:39:48 GMT -5
Your options: • Confront her, tell her it is unacceptable, ask her to stop; ask her to PROVE that she has stopped; if she can't to your satisfaction, get a new Apple ID or even a new cellphone plan where she does not have this sort of access. • Let it go on, without her knowing you know. Just be where you say you are going to be. Reserve a discussion of this for later -- when she has N months or years of "non-evidence" -- THEN confront her. • Actively subvert it without her knowledge: find apps that let you "pretend" to be somewhere you are not (faking out your phone's "Where's My Phone" reporting). Sometimes just set it to show you are someplace you are not. Maybe you are covering your tracks (hiding where you are) or just messing with her. Maybe sometime set it to be someplace implausible: saying you are in Saskatchewan, even though she knows you are just down the street at the store. Maybe she'll give up on this as unreliable/broken. NOTE: be especially careful of apps that let you -- and therefore possibly someone else -- track the HISTORY of where you've been. These are devious, as she could -- in principle -- look NOW at every place you've been to in the past 24 or 48 hours. THAT is much worse than her being able to snoop "where am I now". One more option: • Use this as a pivot to The Talk™: "It is clear you don't really trust me if you are snooping on me. Let's just call it like it is: we're not having sex, and I hate that. You apparently don't trust me enough to treat me like an adult. That adds up to 'the marriage is too broken to fix'. Let's agree that it is time to separate." I love the mess with her option. I'd set it to Australia! |
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Post by iceman on Mar 6, 2017 13:40:19 GMT -5
I had been suspicious that my wife has been keeping tabs on me through the 'Find my iPhone' app and I confirmed it this weekend. I came home from the gym and she had left her phone on the bedside table. The screen was on and it was her finding me with the app a couple of hours ago. I don't know why the phone didn't go to sleep. I was right where I said I'd be. She has been overtly accusing me of having an affair with no evidence other than I show no interest in her. It's really getting tiresome. I'm not having an affair, never had one, but it's really hard to prove that I'm not having an affair. Hard to prove a negative and I've just given up trying. It bothers me that she is doing this. Makes me think about how my innocent whereabouts might look to her delusional mind. Nobody likes to have 'Big Brother' watching over them. I think refusers just want to control their spouse, mine certainly does. She isn't as tech savvy as yours, but the minute I leave the house I'm on a timer. I can relate. Once I went to get a sandwich. The place is 5 min away. Figure 5 min at least to get the sandwich so at a minimum it's a 15 min trip. It took me 20 min. There was a line. I was interrogated about the extra 5 min. I came home with the sandwich so she knows I went there. What did she think I was doing for the 'extra' 5 min? Getting a quick blowjob in the parking lot??? It was just absurd. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 6, 2017 13:43:57 GMT -5
I'm sorry iceman that your wife is controlling you in this way. I agree knowledge is power. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 6, 2017 13:46:15 GMT -5
Humm, I wonder if you can fake your location with Apple. Maybe you can have daily flight or to Las Vegas or some other crazy thing.
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Post by lyn on Mar 6, 2017 14:05:30 GMT -5
A year ago I discovered that my W. was tracking all my phone calls and computer use, along with the children's. I got to see my daily use of both on a pie chart. This was brought up in therapy with 3 questions. Why is my name included in this? why isn't her name on there? Why is she able to see all my emails, and hers weren't on there? So, for about two months I was able to see her emails and go back about 2 yrs. I discovered "interesting advice" being given to her from her relatives. (we will leave it at that). Ironically it didn't last long. She stopped using that email and switched accounts to her work computer, so I have no access. I later went out and purchased my own computer, with my own passwords,and I carry it with me everywhere. I think your wife "takes the cake" on this one greatcoastal. We can all learn so much from all that you've experienced - |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 6, 2017 14:55:34 GMT -5
I think refusers just want to control their spouse, mine certainly does. She isn't as tech savvy as yours, but the minute I leave the house I'm on a timer. I can relate. Once I went to get a sandwich. The place is 5 min away. Figure 5 min at least to get the sandwich so at a minimum it's a 15 min trip. It took me 20 min. There was a line. I was interrogated about the extra 5 min. I came home with the sandwich so she knows I went there. What did she think I was doing for the 'extra' 5 min? Getting a quick blowjob in the parking lot??? It was just absurd. Just to sing along with the chorus here! I asked my STBX a question today about our daughters evaluation testing at school, and where her old evaluation was from over two years ago. I love how she quickly "glossed over" that they were in her trunk! She forgets that my key to her car, magically disappeared, and she always now jumps to move her car instead of giving me a key! Oh how quickly she reversed the conversation and acussed me of "taking rental money from our rental houses and keeping it for myself." I must have said to her three times, "what?.... What are you talking about?!!!" I started to explain my innocence and she kept right on going! I said, "your not even going to listen to any explanation! Just.... forget it! You don't even have to know! Just go on believing your spin, and manipulation!" Here's the funny.....actually it's not funny! It rattles my head all day!! My tenant had his identity stolen, and the bank took about two months to get things straightened out so he could have a new account and a check book. His mothers health is failing and he needed to loan her some cash in between it all. The checks were a month late twice, and I cut him some slack with half the rent. He's never missed a payment. Plus I have handled collecting and depositing the rent from day one. (The rent went up %30 from the last tenant!) So I am being accused of stealing and hiding money again. we are talking hundreds of dollars. While I discovered the moving of 10k! Then other thousands. It's mind boggling. It strengthens the strong lack of trust that I have for her. Don't ask why. I stopped going there. I just want to put it behind me and learn from it. Everybody gets to be a sucker once! |
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Post by iceman on Mar 6, 2017 15:10:11 GMT -5
Your options: One more option: • Use this as a pivot to The Talk™: "It is clear you don't really trust me if you are snooping on me. Let's just call it like it is: we're not having sex, and I hate that. You apparently don't trust me enough to treat me like an adult. That adds up to 'the marriage is too broken to fix'. Let's agree that it is time to separate." The last option would be my go to position. If things are to the point she is doing surveillance of his movements it's probably way too late to fix. This reads more like she's trying to acquire the proof needed to strike the best deal when the split comes. I'm coming to that conclusion as well. We're beyond fixing. If she's trying to dig up dirt she's going to disappointed. I won't give her the satisfaction. I'm capable of going down the path of being mean and petty but I'm determined to take the high road, if for no other reason than to set an example for my kids. I worry that my wife will come unglued. There needs to be one adult in the room. I don't know if she's trying to dig up anything or not. The other thought is that she's just bat shit crazy. That seems more likely to me. |
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