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Post by kiltedpadre on Feb 20, 2017 11:32:24 GMT -5
A funny thing happened when I decided to talk to a good friend of mine about my marriage issues. At first he almost seemed jealous; though this was short lived. I found out that he has low testosterone that he is choosing not to treat, and he feels like he "can't keep up" with his wife's libido.
He did change his tune pretty quickly though when he found out that the one or two times a month he actually wanted sex was still more than my wife had any interest in.
Just reinforced to me how important a place like this is because those in more traditional concepts of differences of desire have a hard time realizing how big the differences can be.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 20, 2017 11:49:58 GMT -5
If my H would have had sex with me once or twice a month I would have felt loved and I would not have wanted a divorce. I can't say outsourcing would not have eventually happened.
However once or twice a year is unacceptable.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 20, 2017 12:31:08 GMT -5
That is really interesting that your friend pretty openly admitted to not wanting to fix his frequency with his wife. It makes you kind of wonder if most of our SO know exactly what they are doing (and how far their desired amounts are actually off) and blatantly choose to ignore it/not fix it.
And my friend actually did something similar to a wife swap when she was in her sexless marriage. Sadly for her, it just made her H excessively jealous and become even more distant (and even more sexless). I imagine it actually could work fine for a lot of people but her H was an extreme controller.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 20, 2017 13:38:30 GMT -5
It is very good to see you are discussing this with friends. This too is "ACTIONS"
The more I talk about, read, research, and brutally and honestly look at my SM and eventually messed up marriage (the lack of sex is just a symptom of bigger worse problems at least in my experience).
In terms of my personal experience with outsourcing - it was just a "coping mechanism" that allowed me to avoid/delay addressing the real problem which was my marriage.
If I am in a healthy loving long term relationship with intimacy and sex and all the other good stuff . . . well then why do I need to outsource?
So I have at least gathered enough courage to stop this bad behavior for me, and to be clear I am not judging others, to each his/her own and I respect lifestyle choices - just not for me.
The next step will be getting out of this marriage and having the courage to go bravely in to the unknown but with a vision and hope and faith.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 20, 2017 14:01:42 GMT -5
Yes, Sexless marriage is a big deal that many suffer from. I know my brother and his wife suffer from it though he hasn't come right out and said anything. They have had separate bedrooms for 10 years (they are only FIFTY!!) and he has been known to mock Match.com's old catch phrase of "Find your perfect Match" with his own "Find your perfect ball and chain to spend the rest of your life with, miserably!" Ouch, Brother -- happy much?  I never really get into it with him, though, because he is convinced the alternative is worse. So that's his reality. I have witnessed wife swapping in a friend's marriage. Both marriages ended in divorce and ruined friendships. My friend says she regrets it. I also have a different friend that brought in another woman for her husband in order to spice things up. Surprisingly (to me anyway) they are still together but "the friend/mistress" is out of the picture and no longer friends with her or her husband far as I know - but who knows. I have "outsourced" though I hate that word. I had an affair with a man who was also married. To be fair, I TOLD my ex I was considering an affair (I was living in the guest room at the time) and he didn't change - didn't chase me, try to fix things, didn't fight for me. He was literally indifferent about it. I took that as a green light. I left soon after. Now that I am remarried and in love the thought of an affair makes me physically ill. Not sure how I would handle that one now - karma out to get me for my own wrong-doings? I was the other woman. Right now I want women to respect my vows and commitment to my husband and back off, but I didn't -- can I really ask that of others? I trust and know my husband to be a one-woman man, faithful and loyal and very vocal about that to others (especially women, he won't go out after work if it's just the gals and I am not there) but, I can't live like it could never happen because it could. I don't want to get naive and I have to believe I would pick myself up, move on from dysfunction and be okay. But, I do hope I am not actually tested. I agree, though - when you are in a healthy, happy relationship, there is no need to have an affair, swap or anything. One person can NEVER fulfill ALL of our needs but when it comes to love and intimacy I have to believe at this time in my life that can be just between me and one other (the one I am married to). |
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Post by cagedtiger on Feb 20, 2017 14:20:37 GMT -5
A few months ago, when a couple from church was throwing a party for all the married couples in our age bracket, my wife cracked a joke about it being a spouse-swapping party, then guessed who my choice would've been if that was actually the case.
...and guessed completely wrong on who I would've chosen. I remember thinking, "huh, that explains a lot."
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Post by WindSister on Feb 20, 2017 14:24:16 GMT -5
A few months ago, when a couple from church was throwing a party for all the married couples in our age bracket, my wife cracked a joke about it being a spouse-swapping party, then guessed who my choice would've been if that was actually the case. ...and guessed completely wrong on who I would've chosen. I remember thinking, "huh, that explains a lot." It always good to notice those subtle signs because, yes, that actually does explain a lot. |
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 20, 2017 14:30:24 GMT -5
A few months ago, when a couple from church was throwing a party for all the married couples in our age bracket, my wife cracked a joke about it being a spouse-swapping party, then guessed who my choice would've been if that was actually the case. ...and guessed completely wrong on who I would've chosen. I remember thinking, "huh, that explains a lot." she did not pick the redhead? |
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Post by lyn on Feb 20, 2017 14:47:19 GMT -5
"Wife swapping" - In theory, sounds like a hell of a lot of fun - but, I think most, if not all, of us are on the same page. A swap would just be getting laid. Who needs to bother with swapping spouses? If that's all we want, just get on tinder, go to the local bar. A willing partner is a shot or two of Jack Daniels away.
The more I tear myself away from my own sm, and learn about all of the wonderful, yet refused human's in this forum, the more it's obvious that "The Lack" in the relationship is the intimacy. We all know, the sex (sigh....), is the wonderful by-product of true intimacy.
If one isn't ready, or able, to leave a sm - by all means OUT SOURCE if it will actually be beneficial for you, and ADD to your life - watch this part closely.
If one IS ready and IS able to leave a sm - by all means get the fuck out and go HAVE A LIFE!
Each and everyone of us is a wonderfully unique person with so much to offer. Being in a sm for any length of time buries our ability to see the amazing qualities within ourselves.
This lack of insight that is the direct result of the longterm sexual repression is the absolute WORST part of this whole sham.
That being said, these amazing qualities are still there - just waiting for the warden to unlock them. We have the keys - we're our own Warden.
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Post by cagedtiger on Feb 20, 2017 14:49:53 GMT -5
A few months ago, when a couple from church was throwing a party for all the married couples in our age bracket, my wife cracked a joke about it being a spouse-swapping party, then guessed who my choice would've been if that was actually the case. ...and guessed completely wrong on who I would've chosen. I remember thinking, "huh, that explains a lot." she did not pick the redhead? None to choose from this time. She chose the one most similar to her looks and build-wise. |
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 20, 2017 16:18:34 GMT -5
she did not pick the redhead? None to choose from this time. She chose the one most similar to her looks and build-wise. she does sound insecure a bit. In such a hypothetical case though, I think we would pick someone different from our current spouse. I think my wife would choose to pair me with someone quite different than her, just to play with my fantasies. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 20, 2017 16:37:07 GMT -5
"Wife swapping" - In theory, sounds like a hell of a lot of fun - but, I think most, if not all, of us are on the same page. A swap would just be getting laid. Who needs to bother with swapping spouses? If that's all we want, just get on tinder, go to the local bar. A willing partner is a shot or two of Jack Daniels away. The more I tear myself away from my own sm, and learn about all of the wonderful, yet refused human's in this forum, the more it's obvious that "The Lack" in the relationship is the intimacy. We all know, the sex (sigh....), is the wonderful by-product of true intimacy. If one isn't ready, or able, to leave a sm - by all means OUT SOURCE if it will actually be beneficial for you, and ADD to your life - watch this part closely. If one IS ready and IS able to leave a sm - by all means get the fuck out and go HAVE A LIFE! Each and everyone of us is a wonderfully unique person with so much to offer. Being in a sm for any length of time buries our ability to see the amazing qualities within ourselves. This lack of insight that is the direct result of the longterm sexual repression is the absolute WORST part of this whole sham. That being said, these amazing qualities are still there - just waiting for the warden to unlock them. We have the keys - we're our own Warden. Beautifully put. Loved reading your post. Here is something EERIE - in my first marriage (the one with a crazy psychotic wife that ended up in mental hospitals), I used to have a recurring PRISON DREAM where I would wonder around a prison and try to see if I could escape and then at the end of the dream a prison guard would come up to me and say "Hey Look the door is open, you can leave whenever you want." Now . . . the dream is back. |
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2017 16:52:57 GMT -5
A friend of mine claims to have attended a wife swap party (this was years ago) with his missus.
The format was the traditional "keys in the bowl" selection method.
My friend, hoping to "trade up" had put a Bently key ring on his car keys (which was a clapped out old Datsun - nowadays under the brand Nissan)
Apparently it worked !!
I can't vouch for the truth of this story, but it sure was funny when he told it.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 20, 2017 17:08:21 GMT -5
On a slightly different note, I challenge calling it "wife swap" -- Spouse Swap is more accurate if we are getting technical, since both parties in the "partnership" are getting it on with someone else. But, I digress and won't be marching the streets over it.
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Post by cagedtiger on Feb 20, 2017 20:20:49 GMT -5
On a slightly different note, I challenge calling it "wife swap" -- Spouse Swap is more accurate if we are getting technical, since both parties in the "partnership" are getting it on with someone else. But, I digress and won't be marching the streets over it. Amen, sister. Quite honestly, if there was a spouse swap among the group I was talking about, I think the other wives would've thought it up and organized it. |
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I never really get into it with him, though, because he is convinced the alternative is worse. So that's his reality. 
