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Post by WindSister on Feb 21, 2017 12:25:35 GMT -5
That gets tricky because it's not always the simple case of mis-matched libido. Is it? My ex sure was interested in sex/porn (and was even on that sex dating site where he met his new woman) but he just wasn't with ME. That's when it's just a facade, a lie and dysfunctional. No, it is not. For a long time, I thought that it would be a tragedy if I divorced my refuser, and I missed out on it when her sex drive kicked in. After 28 years, I got tired of waiting. Has anyone ever told you that you have very kind eyes? Thanks.. I was just giving my "Soulful Cow Eyes" pose (you'd have to watch Big Bang Theory to appreciate that one.  But thank you. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2017 12:32:59 GMT -5
Thanks.. I was just giving my "Soulful Cow Eyes" pose (you'd have to watch Big Bang Theory to appreciate that one. But thank you. I do watch that. But I don't like the cow part. I just like it when someone shows a lot of caring in the eyes. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2017 0:35:26 GMT -5
Oh yes, a wife swap. Trade you sexless wife for another who wants sex. Then watch your sexless wife become insatiable, have sex 3 times a day with the new husband!!
Right...
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Post by baza on Feb 25, 2017 2:30:33 GMT -5
I reckon one would need to be a pretty confident and self assured person to have a crack at this particular variant on the outsourcing option.
And usually, the refused spouse has been comprehensively beaten down and is rarely confident and self assured.
Rather, a refused spouse has had the shit kicked out of their self esteem usually, and wouldn't be in any mental shape to give it a whirl anyway.
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Post by oside77 on Feb 25, 2017 16:37:10 GMT -5
I'm not sure a "wife swap" would be beneficial at all to the refuser. For those of us who want intimacy more frequently, it sounds ideal.
How would the ad go for this swap?
"Does your spouse want sex too often for you?
We can match them up with someone who can satisfy their needs!"
Lol. Just playin. 😉
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 25, 2017 16:44:23 GMT -5
I'm not sure a "wife swap" would be beneficial at all to the refuser. For those of us who want intimacy more frequently, it sounds ideal. How would the ad go for this swap? "Does your spouse want sex too often for you? We can match them up with someone who can satisfy their needs!" Lol. Just playin. 😉 It would definitely need to be marketed to the refuser. "Does your spouse want sex all the time? Is this just another thing you have to do but don't really want to? We have the solution to your problem. WifeSwap!! We will pair you with another couple in our data bank that you are both compatible with and while your spouse is getting off, you can go off with their spouse and have a delightful evening with their spouse engaged in non sexual fun activities". |
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Post by oside77 on Feb 25, 2017 16:46:26 GMT -5
[/quote]
It would definitely need to be marketed to the refuser.
"Does your spouse want sex all the time? Is this just another thing you have to do but don't really want to?
We have the solution to your problem. WifeSwap!!
We will pair you with another couple in our data bank that you are both compatible with and while your spouse is getting off, you can go off with their spouse and have a delightful evening with their spouse engaged in non sexual fun activities".
[/quote]
Love it!
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 28, 2017 15:24:47 GMT -5
I reckon one would need to be a pretty confident and self assured person to have a crack at this particular variant on the outsourcing option. And usually, the refused spouse has been comprehensively beaten down and is rarely confident and self assured. Rather, a refused spouse has had the shit kicked out of their self esteem usually, and wouldn't be in any mental shape to give it a whirl anyway. In my experience, both parties have taken a beating at that point, whether self-inflicted or not. In my personal experience with Mrs A, as well as many dates I've been on, I've found that at the point where outsourcing in this matter is chosen - the intimacy-averse spouse is tired of their lack of intimate investment being put front and center. So, discovering that someone else is gung ho and doesn't share all the same sexual issues and history with the spouse they are avoiding, ends up making them feel shittier. |
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Post by Copernicus on Mar 7, 2017 23:15:06 GMT -5
I'd swap mine for a box of doughnuts
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Post by Dan on Mar 9, 2017 11:53:41 GMT -5
I found out that he has low testosterone that he is choosing not to treat... THIS I do not understand. I don't know of too many downsides to Low-T therapy. It seems easy to do. It might make his marriage better. And I think there are a few health upsides... including the ability to keep it up. I'm finding my libido is less than 10 or even 5 years ago, and have asked my Dr about my T numbers... but they are fine. (I'm thinking my decreased libido is some combination of natural aging, my extra weight at this time... but mostly the SM HeadFuckâ„¢.) So despite normal T levels, I'd be willing to try the medicine anyways: pass the AndroGel! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Mar 9, 2017 13:50:40 GMT -5
I do know of couples who are in open marriages, in order to allow both parties to be able to meet their needs, but I imagine that would take a very, very secure relationship.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 9, 2017 15:58:25 GMT -5
The issue I am trying to contend with though is that my wife will typically want to fuck me (and I definitely mean want) around once a month and typically won't want to offer much more. She has made a bit of an effort over the last 12 - 18 months to improve which is why I don't consider divorce right now. I have however developed a feeling of being her cock that she wants to get off on when she fancies getting off. If I demand more effort and more frequency, no doubt she will feel like she is my pussy that I want to enter when I see fit. The choice becomes ask for more and risk her feeling pressured or simply don't ask and she has her cake and eats it. It's such a complex situation. It's a complex plate-spinning trick to manage and keep both partners invested in the sham of mutual investment, to be sure. But the problem itself is simple and you have a good read on it. When desire is present in a relationship and the means is available (and often when not), you have sex, seek sex, arrange your life to have sex, putting it as a priority over other things. She doesn't want to have sex with you, so her acquiescence is the product of her own libido balanced against her antipathy toward you as a sexual being. When the needle tips red, you'll do, because something has to give. And, you have an astute read on the product of your own desire. Most of us focus on the sex while ignoring the desire, which results in the sex - both frequency and quality. It's the desire that presents the trajectory, and that also produces the hurt regardless of whether sex occurs or not. Whether or not there is enactment of the sexual act, it's clear to you that she doesn't desire you specifically, and that's a very difficult place to be. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 9, 2017 16:19:01 GMT -5
I do know of couples who are in open marriages, in order to allow both parties to be able to meet their needs, but I imagine that would take a very, very secure relationship. I've seen two kinds, and one often masquerades as the other. There are couples who are on the same page and enthusiastically are into enjoying the sexual expression and liberation of the other. It's a bunjee jump of trust, so to speak, with the thrill being party to the repeated demonstration of acceptance of each other played out in each other's presence. Similar to kink/BDSM stuff - the same psychology of eroticizing vulnerability. Like, "I love you so much, and trust you so much, that I will do THIS, or lick you THERE, or allow you to do THAT, and then still accept you." So, it's a kind of ritual of acceptance. It also requires such a level of attention and skill that it becomes a bit like a hobby with an in group and ritual customs - like Deadheads or dog show enthusiasts who build a significant portion of their life around managing it and facilitating the practice of it. That, itself, becomes an activity of mutual interest between the couple. Then there are the others - like me and Mrs Apocrypha, who are hopeful and who choose to be enthusiastic, but who otherwise have nothing left to lose. Perhaps a bit like having a baby to save a marriage. It's approached with curiosity and hope, and not really knowing much about it. These are people who are leaping from the deck of a sinking ship. Maybe they will figure out how to swim or float, or maybe they will sink - but one thing is for sure, that ship is sinking regardless of their choice and when it does, new partners are going to enter the picture, and you are likely going to need to be aware of them on some level, while still having connections to your spouse. I think, looking back, that was a tipping point for me in saying "yes" to opening up, in weighing those two things, in addition to fearing the idea of a third party entering the picture as a parental figure with my kids - which I think we both feared. I imagined having to come to a birthday party for the kids or Xmas and interacting with a guy who they would know, and who would be fucking my wife, and put on a brave face about it, like "this is fine." This is the task faced by all successfully divorced parents - and it's normal. I convinced myself that it wouldn't be any worse than that. The piece I did not anticipate was that, given time and distance in choosing to separate and then following through with that - mourning the loss, turning down offers of intimacy, enforcing boundaries between us - that I would eventually defog somewhat and that I would not FEEL the same attraction or desire for her - at least not what I felt. It was a living hell in the first year, but I noticed I have begun to flinch when she touches me, and I no longer fantasize about her at all. I don't see her like that any more. I likely feel now how she always felt about me. |
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Post by kiltedpadre on Mar 9, 2017 19:21:57 GMT -5
I found out that he has low testosterone that he is choosing not to treat... THIS I do not understand. Â I don't know of too many downsides to Low-T therapy. Â It seems easy to do. Â It might make his marriage better. Â And I think there are a few health upsides... including the ability to keep it up. I'm finding my libido is less than 10 or even 5 years ago, and have asked my Dr about my T numbers... but they are fine. Â (I'm thinking my decreased libido is some combination of natural aging, my extra weight at this time... but mostly the SM HeadFuckâ„¢.) Â So despite normal T levels, I'd be willing to try the medicine anyways: pass the AndroGel! I know a portion of the issue is that he has finally found a combination of antidepressants and anti anxiety meds that are working well for him. I know his Dr warned about potentially seeing issues with his current meds due to the hormonal change. I also wonder if there might be a religious guilt component as well. He is a devout Catholic with no interest in having more kids. I sometimes wonder if he views the potential increase in desire as a problem in terms of not having kids since they don't use birth control. |
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Post by obobfla on Mar 9, 2017 19:35:31 GMT -5
One of my favorite bumper stickers - "I got a new car for my wife - Good trade, eh?"
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But thank you. 
