Alternative Solutions

Ok, this is really funny.

For more info, the person who said this reports that she feels "nothing" during any sexual activity.  She is actually capable of intercourse, but since she doesn't feel anything during, she told her husband that it is now off the table (unfortunately Shamwow, she won't fuck on the floor either, LOL).  She will not do handjobs, blowjobs, or let her husband fuck her in the ass.  She says that her husband is fine with is because of the 1000 other reasons that the marriage is wonderful.  She says she was in counseling, and this issue is now resolved.

On the other hand, she is not willing to tell her husband about this forum.  Frankly, I think she is just a mean bitch and is full of shit.

I was hoping it was @snowman because I know he's enjoying life but I know it's not. I just saw some humor in that. Whoever her husband is I hope he has a sexual outlet.

Hmm. This smells a bit like a variant of cuckold/chastity/humiliation fetish within the kink community, usually driven by the husbands, but less frequently by the wives. I've been contacted by couples who have this fantasy, since I became a dating man. 

Who told you this story - the husband? What was the context? Did he convey the reason to you that she felt "nothing" having sex with him? Was the story told to you implying that she physically felt nothing because he has a very small penis? Or was it that she felt nothing emotionally? Did he appear to be upset, genuinely in telling you the story?

If it really was as originally posed, then I think the long term success would depend on the husband's willing and enthusiastic enlistment in the new deal. Otherwise, it's just a hole in the tank, leaking gas. Open relationship people of all stripes usually develop or use a number of conflict resolution customs to help manage the obvious issues.  Clear boundaries, radical honesty, high levels of negotiation, regular and almost ritual check ins.   

We mark things like "marriage" or enrollment by observing them with rituals that demonstrate our solemnity and intentionality. THe point of the wedding ceremony is to enact a ritual of "buying in" to the new deal.  In this case, the new deal is a an oath of celibacy that both parties agree to, as well as whatever support system is needed to uphold that goal.

Alternatively: redefining the "relationship" such that it isn't a marriage - so that it makes room to have an involved romantic partnership - I'd pose this as an amicable divorce where the couple remains friends or friendly.

Another option is to involve a third party - but men are at a disadvantage in finding partners compared to women, especially married men (married women looking for a side gig? not so much of a problem at all). Of course, this typically ends up highlighting the core feeling of inadequacy that might be mutually felt. Unless one or both parties finds a way to eroticize enjoy the sexual expression of the other, irrespective of the partner. Open relationship folks call this "compersion"

Ok, this person is sunniedays. I had quite the discussion with her on another thread. Here are some quotes from her about her situation...

9/13/16
"Intimacy is hugging and kissing and holding hands. I've personally never felt any form of "bonding" going on when my husband's penis was in my mouth. Nor did I experience intimacy when his tongue was between my legs. Come on. That's sex!! Call it what it is! Not that it's not enjoyable or wrong, but please don't call it bonding or intimate. Intimacy, bonding, is having your partner hold your hand while you lie in a recliner with a chemo IV in your arm. Or holding your partner throughout the night after the death of a parent. Or holding hands while your child walks across the stage to receive their college degree. How is dressing up in a nurses uniform and letting your partner tie you to the bed intimate? Come on, people. It's not. It's sex Yes, making love can be a bonding experience. But giving your partner a hand job or oral sex isn't intimate or bonding. It's raw, down and dirty sex. It's basically having an "urge" relieved. If it's so important in a marriage or relationship, then why are there so many situations where you hear, "well, the sex is amazing out of this world mind-blowing" but there was nothing else. It's the oldest story around: the girl goes for the bad boy, because, oh my god he's such a turn on. And guess who loses in the end? The girl whose partner will F her every day and twice on Sunday, but he's got nothing else to give. So pick what you want. I choose the partner who's kind, loving, smart, ambitious, generous, a great parent, a best friend, a partner in life."

9/12/16
"Thank you, grantgeek. I guess I mostly get hung up on everyone saying it's such a need -- a "normal, basic, natural" need for EVERYONE, then why don't I feel it? Am I not normal? I mean, what's the point for me then? Apparently every other aspect of my being is of no consequence for my husband. Almost all of the posts indicate that they can think of nothing else but the lack of sex in their relationships. The only time I think about it is when I'm thinking WHY am I NOT thinking about it?"

9/12/16
"Yes, EVEN a paraplegic can find a way to engage in sexual activities. That's not some new, radical realization that we all have never heard before. Of course, my hands work. Of course my mouth works. Of course my vagina works. It's not a physical movement issue. It's a hormone/brain issue."

9/11/16
"Yes, I used to give my husband oral sex even though I didn't particularly care for it, but I'd do it, because I knew that it made him horny, and I knew that after 5 or so minutes I too would be feeling some pleasured. There is not one male in this forum who would agree to perform oral sex on their partner every morning for the rest of his life, feeling nothing, with the knowledge that they weren't going to have the same pleasure at some point. For women, sexual feelings start in the mind. Their has to be SOMETHING that instigates their bodies to be physically prepared for sex. Of course I could lay there and it would be possible for my husband to insert his penis, even without me being one bit willing, or open my mouth or cup my hand around him. Of course. I know I could. Because I did it for a year. And as horrible as I felt, how inadequate I felt then, I feel a thousand times worse now."

9/9/16
"But to answer one poster's question (I don't remember whose) about intimacy: I tend to stay away from him with regards to, say, cuddling, spooning in bed, etc. Not because I have an aversion to it, but because I'm afraid of what it might lead to. He says it won't lead to him wanting sex, but I have a hard time believing that because why, all of a sudden, would that not make him think about sex? It always has before. HIS libido is not gone."

"As far as the physiological aspect of sex: The lubrication, arousal process, of course, was dim for me during the last years of sexual relations. Of course. Because I FELT NOTHING. Remember when I said, try to imagine lying next to your brother/sister, and being told, ok, now get horny. Become aroused. How many people would be able to accomplish that? And hell, yes, when that started, I began to panic, thinking why am I not attracted to the man I love? But over the year or two, I realized, it's not just him I'm not sexually aroused by. It's everything sexually related. I just can't think of an explanation -- or a way to paint a picture for anyone to explain the utter lack of sexual -- anything -- that I feel. I'm not offended by sex. I don't turn my head when I/we happen to be watching something sexual in a movie, tv. etc. I'm not uncomfortable with it. I don't have any kind of aversion. It's just a void. I feel nothing."

I go back and forth about feeling sorry for her. But with her rude comments recently, it is hard to be really compassionate.

I feel sorry for her because, assuming she is a real person, she is in a joke of a marriage, and her husband will one day fuck another woman or leave her.  When that happens, she will cry & whine about being a poor, betrayed woman, when the truth is that it is all her fault.

But yes, her husband is the one who really is in a horrible position.

Ha!  Me? Ha!  Oh yeah honey, I am a okay with never having sex again.  Where am I going?  Well, it looks like we are out of milk.  I'll be back in a couple of hours.  Step on it Jeeves!

"They ran out at the store, I'll have to check back on Monday!, There's plenty of beer in the fridge."