|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 14:25:27 GMT -5
My W and I are making efforts after a flare up argument that lasted 15 minutes ended with our agreement to Divorce - 6 hours later we made passionate love. Now several days later we are trying to be affectionate: kissing, holding hands, extended love hugs, holding each in bed, etc. In short ALL INTIMACY is assumed back for the foreseeable future.
BUT . . . I feel nothing for my W. I believe I have completely fallen out of love with her. I thought it was just the SM and lack of intimacy but that may be fixed (or just short lived "Reset sex" as many have pointed out). I seem to only feel now pity for her after the tears and fear in her eyes when she saw how ready I was to end it. I said Divorce and I meant it when I said it. Out of pity and love of our children - I felt the need to stay and "reset the sex" so I am starting to think.
So my question to all you very smart experienced and wise ILIASM folks. What has love got to do with it? Do you still have "Love" feelings for your spouse and did that impact your decision making / motivation for getting behavior to change etc.
In other words, Is my problem "BEHAVIORIAL" (SM / no intimacy) or am I not being honest and it is really fallen out of love (EMOTIONAL)?
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Feb 8, 2017 15:15:56 GMT -5
I think affection is something that can shrink and grow. It sounds like yours is at a low point, but I wouldn't say hope is lost.
If she she is making and effort... and if you are willing to try... I would suggest seeing if time changes your attitude.
There also a great expression that's circulated here recently, along the lines of how when couples fall out of love they coincidentally haven't been doing the things they did together when they fell in love.
I know your wife isn't excited about couples / marriage counseling, but is she so unwilling to try that she'd let her marriage die? That's pretty close-minded. I'm sure she doesn't prescribe her own medicine, and didn't give birth to your kids by herself... she should be more open to the idea of professional (I.e., experienced) guidance for emotional / psychological needs too.
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 15:26:28 GMT -5
I think affection is something that can shrink and grow. It sounds like yours is at a low point, but I wouldn't say hope is lost. If she she is making and effort... and if you are willing to try... I would suggest seeing if time changes your attitude. There also a great expression that's circulated here recently, along the lines of how when couples fall out of love they coincidentally haven't been doing the things they did together when they fell in love. I know your wife isn't excited about couples / marriage counseling, but is she so unwilling to try that she'd let her marriage die? That's pretty close-minded. I'm sure she doesn't prescribe her own medicine, and didn't give birth to your kids by herself... she should be more open to the idea of professional (I.e., experienced) guidance for emotional / psychological needs too. Thanks DryCreek Honestly, I am not so thrilled about counselling either. I did talk to my friend who is a prominent psychiatrist ( he is also a motorcycle nut like me) and I will start with asking him. Of course, he offered some pills (Dr. Feel Good these psychiatrists) of which I said no. So I will speak to him as a first step. Also, I am over in Europe and counseling is much less popular - my wife said "Oh you are so American" and basically know way. If I threaten divorce again she would say yes - because she is desperate to save the marriage - maybe I am too - well if we had no children my answer would be no way I am out of here. This is basically about the children is what I think - but then again I am so confused and hard to read my own heart that I can not even be sure myself my motivations. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2017 15:40:28 GMT -5
I hope it works out, but it sounds like hysterical bonding to me.
But in answer to your question, I can say that long term sexual refusal and gatekeeping can certainly kill your love for another person. However, it is possible for those feelings to return.
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 16:43:22 GMT -5
I hope it works out, but it sounds like hysterical bonding to me. But in answer to your question, I can say that long term sexual refusal and gatekeeping can certainly kill your love for another person. However, it is possible for those feelings to return. Thank-you flashjohn Excuse my ignorance - might you elaborate on what is meant by "hysterical bonding"? Much appreciated. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2017 16:49:23 GMT -5
I hope it works out, but it sounds like hysterical bonding to me. But in answer to your question, I can say that long term sexual refusal and gatekeeping can certainly kill your love for another person. However, it is possible for those feelings to return. Thank-you flashjohn Excuse my ignorance - might you elaborate on what is meant by "hysterical bonding"? Much appreciated. When a refuser is confronted with an immediate threat of losing his/her spouse, he/she will sometimes immediately offer sex in a desperate (or hysterical) manner in an effort to try to reel the refused spouse back in. Unfortunately, when he/she feels more comfortable in the relationship, the refuser goes right back to refusing. It is a desperate act of manipulation. |
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Feb 8, 2017 17:09:02 GMT -5
What has love got to do with it? Do you still have "Love" feelings for your spouse and did that impact your decision making / motivation for getting behavior to change etc. Mutual love is everything to do with it. Absolutely. Love is a useful agent for change and provide hope for a better tomorrow.
Sex will work itself out eventually.
You loved her before. You need to figure out what or how she is different that you don't love her now. And can you love her again? Having children will only hold you together for so long. |
|
|
|
Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 8, 2017 18:32:08 GMT -5
Have you talked about each other's desired futures?
It seems my H and I always get more inspired and uplifted after we reconnect on the paths we would like to take. Even if the things we would like to do are somewhat separate (he is learning the piano, I am planning cello or he wants to open his own business, I'm in college) the big ideas being shared and reinvigorated seems to bring us emotionally closer.
Even self thinking about the distant future with each her might be inspiring, and possibly allow for you to open up the idea of reconnecting.
Thinking only of today can be too short-minded for such a long reconnection process. (In my opinion)
|
|
|
|
Post by iceman on Feb 8, 2017 20:02:54 GMT -5
My W and I are making efforts after a flare up argument that lasted 15 minutes ended with our agreement to Divorce - 6 hours later we made passionate love. Now several days later we are trying to be affectionate: kissing, holding hands, extended love hugs, holding each in bed, etc. In short ALL INTIMACY is assumed back for the foreseeable future. BUT . . . I feel nothing for my W. I believe I have completely fallen out of love with her. I thought it was just the SM and lack of intimacy but that may be fixed (or just short lived "Reset sex" as many have pointed out). I seem to only feel now pity for her after the tears and fear in her eyes when she saw how ready I was to end it. I said Divorce and I meant it when I said it. Out of pity and love of our children - I felt the need to stay and "reset the sex" so I am starting to think. So my question to all you very smart experienced and wise ILIASM folks. What has love got to do with it? Do you still have "Love" feelings for your spouse and did that impact your decision making / motivation for getting behavior to change etc. In other words, Is my problem "BEHAVIORIAL" (SM / no intimacy) or am I not being honest and it is really fallen out of love (EMOTIONAL)? I'm sort of in the same situation. No sex of course but my wife is making more of an effort to be affectionate. Not very affectionate but definitely more than she had been for years. Holding hands, the occasional hug in a place where she can be sure I won't try to escalate it into something more, a chaste kiss occasionally ... I feel absolutely nothing when she attempts affection. I'll try to respond but there's no feeling behind it on my part. I fear the bond we had has been irreparably broken. I'm actually not sure she's feeling any herself. Her attempts seem so mechanical without any feelings behind them, I think the years of a SM have broke us and we are no longer in love. I think we love each other but we're not in love with each other and that's a huge difference. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 8, 2017 20:13:20 GMT -5
I still "loved" my missus back in the day.
But I didn't desire her any more.
That at least put us on par, as she'd shown no signs of desiring me for years.
And, I'd speculate, that she still loved me in her own way and version.
And fwiw, although we parted ways nearly 8 years ago - plus the fact she has now been deceased close on 2 years - I still love her.
|
|
|
|
Post by nancyb on Feb 8, 2017 20:51:53 GMT -5
Love is energy....I think it can transmute to a lesser version of itself but IMO once you have truly 'loved' someone as much as you would love your children there is alway a vestigial flicker there even after this life.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 8, 2017 21:09:31 GMT -5
One does not love a roommate. One does love a soul mate. I happen to be married to a roommate. It's that simple.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Feb 8, 2017 22:00:48 GMT -5
I feel the way baza describes it. I love my ex like I do a sibling or a family member but I lost desire for him because the neglect and pain and anger and resentment made me not desire him anymore or in love with him romantically. |
|
pinkskies
Junior Member
Posts: 38 
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by pinkskies on Feb 8, 2017 23:21:53 GMT -5
My W and I are making efforts after a flare up argument that lasted 15 minutes ended with our agreement to Divorce - 6 hours later we made passionate love. Now several days later we are trying to be affectionate: kissing, holding hands, extended love hugs, holding each in bed, etc. In short ALL INTIMACY is assumed back for the foreseeable future. BUT . . . I feel nothing for my W. I believe I have completely fallen out of love with her. I thought it was just the SM and lack of intimacy but that may be fixed (or just short lived "Reset sex" as many have pointed out). I seem to only feel now pity for her after the tears and fear in her eyes when she saw how ready I was to end it. I said Divorce and I meant it when I said it. Out of pity and love of our children - I felt the need to stay and "reset the sex" so I am starting to think. So my question to all you very smart experienced and wise ILIASM folks. What has love got to do with it? Do you still have "Love" feelings for your spouse and did that impact your decision making / motivation for getting behavior to change etc. In other words, Is my problem "BEHAVIORIAL" (SM / no intimacy) or am I not being honest and it is really fallen out of love (EMOTIONAL)? I love my husband like I would a brother. I have 0 desire for him after so many years of the SM. I have tried to get my desire to return to him but it's been well over a year and nothing has changed. This is why I have decided that it is best for us to separate. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Feb 9, 2017 5:50:45 GMT -5
One does not love a roommate. One does love a soul mate. I happen to be married to a roommate. It's that simple. That almost sounds like a sonnet. |
|
