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Post by southerngirl on Jan 14, 2017 6:34:02 GMT -5
"About 10 yrs go he had a pill problem and now takes that Suboxone stuff."
Dear, dear IDK - You don't have a sex problem. You don't have an attention problem. You don't have a testosterone problem. You don't even have a marriage problem. You are married to an opiate addict, which means the problem is 100% HIS and not one tiny bit of this problem is you. You are in the early stages of not understanding what you are up against. Others on the forum probably have no idea what suboxone is or what it will mean to your marriage, your future, your children - but I know. There is absolutely, 100% no way you can come out of this without being destroyed. I am sorry. You think I sound like an alarmist and it's not that big a deal. I get it. I, unfortunately, do get it. I suggest you read through my entire thread at a forum called subsux - because, sub sux. I'm sorry. PM me anytime, but I will not tell you this will be ok. I'll tell you to get a lawyer and fight for full custody. You are married to a zombie and no matter how normal he may seem - he isn't.
SG
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 19, 2017 23:23:40 GMT -5
It's nights like these that make me so angry. Here I am dropping little hints and we go to the bedroom, first thing walking through the door: man I have such a migraine.
Bullshit
He knew what I wanted and just didn't want to.
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Post by baza on Jan 19, 2017 23:48:03 GMT -5
I think you can say, with surety, that your deal actually is an ILIASM shithole - even though it has 'only' been going on a bit over 4 years.
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Now, the questions just get harder, as do the choices confronting you.
Suggestion -
See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. You will need this information pretty soon, and you can get it NOW whilst you are not under extremes of pressure. There is no necessity to action that info, but you do - and will - need it.
As you know from your own experience, the "little hints" strategy, the "lingerie" strategy, the various "scented candles" strategies are useless in the face of an avoidant spouse. They simply do not work. And nor does anything else.
Possibly, he is way more interested in Suboxone than he is in sex, or the marriage, or you. But whatever his "why" is, you are powerless before it. Whatever his "why" is, you cannot fix it. That is his job, and only his job. And it's optional. He chooses himself whether he wants to do anything about his issues or not.
And at this point, he chooses not. (Did he deliver on making that Doctors appointment referred to a few comments back ?)
It might be easier on your self esteem if you dropped the attempts to engage him sexually. Repeated refusals get real old, real quick. And do your ego no good at all.
Whatever you can do to maintain your sense of self esteem is all to the good, because in ILIASM shitholes, your self esteem is invariably one of the first casualties. And that makes climbing out all the more difficult.
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Post by csl on Jan 20, 2017 0:48:37 GMT -5
It's nights like these that make me so angry. Here I am dropping little hints and we go to the bedroom, first thing walking through the door: man I have such a migraine. Bullshit He knew what I wanted and just didn't want to. I admit that this is just me, but I have always believed that a shared lie is still a lie, and that there is no shame in calling it a lie. Would you be any more miserable if you said, "That's a life."? Yeah, blunt, but any more damaging than gold along to get alo? I'm all in favor of clearly identifying bovine effluvia as bovine effluvia, not Chanel No.5. |
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 20, 2017 0:52:26 GMT -5
I think you can say, with surety, that your deal actually is an ILIASM shithole - even though it has 'only' been going on a bit over 4 years. - Now, the questions just get harder, as do the choices confronting you. Suggestion - See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. You will need this information pretty soon, and you can get it NOW whilst you are not under extremes of pressure. There is no necessity to action that info, but you do - and will - need it. As you know from your own experience, the "little hints" strategy, the "lingerie" strategy, the various "scented candles" strategies are useless in the face of an avoidant spouse. They simply do not work. And nor does anything else. Possibly, he is way more interested in Suboxone than he is in sex, or the marriage, or you. But whatever his "why" is, you are powerless before it. Whatever his "why" is, you cannot fix it. That is his job, and only his job. And it's optional. He chooses himself whether he wants to do anything about his issues or not. And at this point, he chooses not. (Did he deliver on making that Doctors appointment referred to a few comments back ?) It might be easier on your self esteem if you dropped the attempts to engage him sexually. Repeated refusals get real old, real quick. And do your ego no good at all. Whatever you can do to maintain your sense of self esteem is all to the good, because in ILIASM shitholes, your self esteem is invariably one of the first casualties. And that makes climbing out all the more difficult. Supposedly he is going to the doc tomorrow. He said he made an appt about his Boulder and is going to bring it up. So idk if he's actually going to or not... |
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Post by baza on Jan 20, 2017 1:00:30 GMT -5
Yeah well, "going" to the Doc is one thing, "being honest with the Doc" is another, "taking on board what the Doc says" is another thing, "following through on the medical regime" is yet another, and "the medical regime being effective" is yet another. As is this Suboxone deal.
And there is not one damn thing you can do about it. It is completely out of your control.
OTOH, getting legal advice, halting any effort to engage him sexually ARE matters you can control, if you choose to do so.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2017 13:19:17 GMT -5
Yeah well, "going" to the Doc is one thing, "being honest with the Doc" is another, "taking on board what the Doc says" is another thing, "following through on the medical regime" is yet another, and "the medical regime being effective" is yet another. As is this Suboxone deal. And there is not one damn thing you can do about it. It is completely out of your control. OTOH, getting legal advice, halting any effort to engage him sexually ARE matters you can control, if you choose to do so. My refuser I think maybe had a slight problem with opiate painkillers. And all the talk about "going to the doctor," "getting on new meds," "trying pain management therapy," sounds familiar. FWIW, I realize that for a person in pain, relief is probably more important than anything else. If I was in chronic pain, I too might choose to stay a bit drugged up most of the time. So, who am I to judge? But - I would like to know - what is the success rate of people with chronic pain getting off the opiates, finding some other relief, and then staying off drugs? |
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 22, 2017 13:39:34 GMT -5
When he gets home from work today, we are probably going to have a huge argument. I've told him the issues I'm dealing with and he has the audacity to tell my brother and mother he's tired of MY shit.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 22, 2017 13:47:57 GMT -5
When he gets home from work today, we are probably going to have a huge argument. I've told him the issues I'm dealing with and he has the audacity to tell my brother and mother he's tired of MY shit. What do you suppose would be the best result from such an argument? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 22, 2017 13:51:19 GMT -5
When he gets home from work today, we are probably going to have a huge argument. I've told him the issues I'm dealing with and he has the audacity to tell my brother and mother he's tired of MY shit. I am sorry to hear that. No one deserves to be treated that way. As hard as it is consider it a gift. Use it as a wide open forum to share your side of the story and (pardon my French) expose his ass! Be an effective arguer. I am sure there is a wealth of examples that can be exposed to show his true colors. Remain honest, focus on the truth, and include your own mistakes and fallacies. Most likely his will far out weigh yours. That way it does not sound like you are just complaining. A perfect time to start setting boundaries with consequences, in front of him as others. This gives it strength and backing. None of this is easy, none of it. The best things in life are worth waiting for, and working for. You have every right to defend yourself. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 22, 2017 13:53:44 GMT -5
When he gets home from work today, we are probably going to have a huge argument. I've told him the issues I'm dealing with and he has the audacity to tell my brother and mother he's tired of MY shit. And what specifically is "your shit"? That you want connection and intimacy from your H? |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 22, 2017 19:39:11 GMT -5
When he gets home from work today, we are probably going to have a huge argument. I've told him the issues I'm dealing with and he has the audacity to tell my brother and mother he's tired of MY shit. And what specifically is "your shit"? That you want connection and intimacy from your H? People refer to it as 'our shit' when it's a topic they don't want to discuss or they perceive as being unimportant. Their perception of its importance or lack of is based on their selfishness. The way your spouse feels should always be important. |
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