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Post by idkanymore on Jan 12, 2017 1:46:59 GMT -5
I'm 28, he's 34. We have been together almost 4 yrs and married 2 on April 4th. The past year he just doesn't seem interested in me anymore. We use to have sex all the time. Now it's dwindled down to once a month, if that. The last time he kissed me was midnight new year's and I wonder if it's just because we had friends over. we haven't had sex in a month. I've tried lingerie, getting undressed in front of him, or when walking by I'll bump my butt on him. I look at his phone and he's been watching porn, nothing crazy, but doesn't touch me. If I say anything, we have sex a few times for about 2 weeks, but then it goes back to this. I've even threatened him about an affair. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 12, 2017 2:04:39 GMT -5
Also, we have 4 children(his 2, my 1, our 1)
They go to bed at 8pm. He stays up till minimum 11 pm playing games on his phone or watching TV. He barely talked to me anymore. And the more frustrated I get, the more he says "what's wrong with you, why do you have an attitude?"
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Post by unmatched on Jan 12, 2017 2:17:44 GMT -5
What should I do? Wow ... well first know that this will not get better by itself. If you let it slide, then all the experience on this site and others says that it will get worse and worse, and in another year or two you will be looking at 6 month droughts or longer and crying yourself to sleep at night.
Following that, it is early days (relatively speaking) so it is hard to say what is going on and whether it is fixable or not. It sounds like you are trying all the standard 'nice' strategies - lingerie, date nights, flirting etc. (usually known round here as the 'scented candles' approach) and not getting a response. And he is clearly masturbating and not touching you which is never a good sign. I suspect you need to sit him down and let him know that from your point of view what you have is not a marriage. It is some kind of friendship or partnership and that is NOT what you signed up for. That will probably lead to a long, hard conversation about sex and preferences and he will promise to change. And you will come up with some plans and (please!) some clear boundaries so you know whether those goals are being met.
Then you will see what happens and whether he is capable of sustainably giving you the marriage you want. Maybe this is his picture of the marriage he wants. Maybe he really just wanted someone to look after his kids for him so he could have more time to play games. Or maybe he doesn't actually like kissing you that much, and now the initial hormones have worn off there is nothing there to kindle his ardour. There are a million possible reasons and you can chase maybes for ever.
But I will be honest, unless he is going through something particularly stressful or has some other good reason for jerking off in private and not kissing his wife (when she has made it clear she wants him to), it doesn't look good. I promise you, if you were wearing lingerie, undressing in front of me and waving your butt at me it would not be going unaddressed! To (mis)quote someone else who used to post a lot, 'if you have to beg, plead, threaten or cajole somebody into having sex with you, they are NEVER going to give you the kind of sex and intimacy you want.'
And finally do a lot of reading round this site - it can be quite an eye-opening experience!
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 12, 2017 2:50:38 GMT -5
I'm 28, he's 34. We have been together almost 4 yrs and married 2 on April 4th. The past year he just doesn't seem interested in me anymore. We use to have sex all the time. Now it's dwindled down to once a month, if that. The last time he kissed me was midnight new year's and I wonder if it's just because we had friends over. we haven't had sex in a month. I've tried lingerie, getting undressed in front of him, or when walking by I'll bump my butt on him. I look at his phone and he's been watching porn, nothing crazy, but doesn't touch me. If I say anything, we have sex a few times for about 2 weeks, but then it goes back to this. I've even threatened him about an affair. I just don't know what to do anymore. When you have sex, who initiates it and is he in to it? |
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Post by baza on Jan 12, 2017 4:00:08 GMT -5
This "sex (you) used to have all the time".
Are you sure your recollections are accurate ?
Was it any good, or was he exhibiting selfish tendencies even then ?
Are there other aspects of the relationship (apart from the sex) - like emotionally and financially and parentally etc where selfishness is evident ?
Usually, people who google sexless marriage and find themselves here are in year 5 or more of dysfunctionality, and by then their marriages are invariably basket cases.
Yours might be heading that way.
My only suggestion is in respect to where you say you have - "even threatened him about an affair."
I would counsel you not to say ANYTHING to him that you do not mean and / or ANYTHING that you are not actually prepared to do. All that tends to happen if you do make idle threats is that you shred your cred, and that is not in any way helpful in these situations.
Threats and bullshit will NOT help in the resolution of your situation.
Straight talk and honesty WILL help you bring this thing to resolution.
But the resolution may well be in a form other than what you might be thinking.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 12, 2017 6:58:54 GMT -5
Also, we have 4 children(his 2, my 1, our 1) They go to bed at 8pm. He stays up till minimum 11 pm playing games on his phone or watching TV. He barely talked to me anymore. And the more frustrated I get, the more he says "what's wrong with you, why do you have an attitude?" I agree with some other posters that you are probably catching this at an early stage. I wish I had done so rather than let 19 years of marriage pass. 2 1/2 years without any action for me. I like to think of marriage as a brick wall. Solid, secure, and built on strong foundations. Each of these things you have in common (shared interests, hobbies, kids, friends, family, etc...) are individual bricks in that wall. Intimacy (sex) is the mortar that holds those bricks together and ensures that a small storm doesn't knock down that wall under its own weight. In my case, my wife and I share three things: our kids, our families, and a common address. Without intimacy, the routine small storms in any relationship have just left those three lonely bricks on the ground. Everything else is gone. What are some common "bricks" that you could share when he's up from 8:00 until 11:00? Are you in the same room, or in different rooms? What TV shows is he watching? Are there any you both like together? If not, are there any you can tolerate with him? Do you play video games? If not, maybe try to learn. The ladies in the forum may disagree with this one, but have you tried watching porn together? It obviously gets him in the mood. Of course, there is the possibility that he isn't thinking of you and is thinking of the porn star, but in all honesty, he may be doing that already. Us guys can be venal creatures at times. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying any of this is your fault. As other people have posted, if I had a young, healthy little vixen running around in lingerie shaking her ass at me, I'd be all over that. The only reason that I'm suggesting you try to get into his pastimes rather than him is that your post was somewhat brief and I have no idea what your interests are  . A healthy relationship should include both parties taking part in each others interests (while still having some of their own). Oh, and I agree that you should never make a threat you aren't willing to go through with. If you threaten an affair, you just increased the likelihood that he will have one on you. After all, how does he know you aren't doing it. When you suggest something that could be construed as a death threat on your relationship, expect blowback. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 12, 2017 8:14:20 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you have found yourself here. I was in a SM for 2 decades and I could remember the early years in my twenties when it was once a month at best. My thirties were basically celibate. You need to lay your cards on the table and let your H know that your marriage is in a CRISIS. Whether you realize it or not it really is. So lay your cards on the table and tell your H exactly what you expect of him as a husband because if he can't be a husband then you don't need a roommate in your life.
I would discuss exactly what you need from him regarding kissing, flirting, foreplay, frequency, exactly how many times and how often you want sex, your fantasies and desires, likes, dislikes, date nights, PDA, etc
You may need to make a list, write at the top - This is What I Need! then ask him if he's capable of it. Honestly when you care about someone you are very willing to step outside of your comfort zone and challenge yourself to please them.
I know it is a sensitive subject and there are egos at stake but at this stage your marriage has a chance to rebound if you are both honest and give it 100%. Really when it comes to love and intimacy compromise should not even be an issue or the concept of 50/50. Bottom line 50/50 is for divorce, marriage is 100%. You are either with me or your not. So nip this in the bud for YOU, do not waste away your good years on a selfish man that is taking your love for granted.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 12, 2017 8:26:10 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you have found yourself here. I was in a SM for 2 decades and I could remember the early years in my twenties when it was once a month at best. My thirties were basically celibate. You need to lay your cards on the table and let your H know that your marriage is in a CRISIS. Whether you realize it or not it really is. So lay your cards on the table and tell your H exactly what you expect of him as a husband because if he can't be a husband then you don't need a roommate in your life. I would discuss exactly what you need from him regarding kissing, flirting, foreplay, frequency, exactly how many times and how often you want sex, your fantasies and desires, likes, dislikes, date nights, PDA, etc You may need to make a list, write at the top - This is What I Need! then ask him if he's capable of it. Honestly when you care about someone you are very willing to step outside of your comfort zone and challenge yourself to please them. I know it is a sensitive subject and there are egos at stake but at this stage your marriage has a chance to rebound if you are both honest and give it 100%. Really when it comes to love and intimacy compromise should not even be an issue or the concept of 50/50. Bottom line 50/50 is for divorce, marriage is 100%. You are either with me or your not. So nip this in the bud for YOU, do not waste away your good years on a selfish man that is taking your love for granted. This is exceptional. Very well stated. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 12, 2017 8:28:19 GMT -5
shamwow said "the ladies in the forum may disagree with this one, but have you tried watching porn together? It obviously gets him in the mood. Of course, there is the possibility that he isn't thinking of you and is thinking of the porn star, but in all honesty, he may be ..." I tried even this torwards the end of my marriage. H and I were sitting alone in the family room watching tv. I turned to him and very as a matter of fact said, "You want to watch porn together?" He didn't answer but looked at me like I had 3 heads. I giggled and we continued staring at the tv. What I've learned is if a man wants to have sex with you then he will make the effort to do so, the men on this forum have taught me the way a normal man's mind works in regards to sex (I was VERY naive for many years) so now I know what I want and one day I will have that.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 12, 2017 8:36:14 GMT -5
shamwow said "the ladies in the forum may disagree with this one, but have you tried watching porn together? It obviously gets him in the mood. Of course, there is the possibility that he isn't thinking of you and is thinking of the porn star, but in all honesty, he may be ..." I tried even this torwards the end of my marriage. H and I were sitting alone in the family room watching tv. I turned to him and very as a matter of fact said, "You want to watch porn together?" He didn't answer but looked at me like I had 3 heads. I giggled and we continued staring at the tv. What I've learned is if a man wants to have sex with you then he will make the effort to do so, the men on this forum have taught me the way a normal man's mind works in regards to sex (I was VERY naive for many years) so now I know what I want and one day I will have that. Good point bb. I know that would work with me, but I'm the refused one in the relationship, so my perspective is a bit skewed. If my wife were to suggest watching porn together, my neck would break from the vigorous head nodding. On the other hand, I can't remember the last time I saw my wife naked. I only suggested that because it sounds like their SM issue is still early on and there wasn't a lot of info to go on. Some more backstory might help. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 12, 2017 8:40:54 GMT -5
shamwow said "the ladies in the forum may disagree with this one, but have you tried watching porn together? It obviously gets him in the mood. Of course, there is the possibility that he isn't thinking of you and is thinking of the porn star, but in all honesty, he may be ..." I tried even this torwards the end of my marriage. H and I were sitting alone in the family room watching tv. I turned to him and very as a matter of fact said, "You want to watch porn together?" He didn't answer but looked at me like I had 3 heads. I giggled and we continued staring at the tv. What I've learned is if a man wants to have sex with you then he will make the effort to do so, the men on this forum have taught me the way a normal man's mind works in regards to sex (I was VERY naive for many years) so now I know what I want and one day I will have that. Good point bb. I know that would work with me, but I'm the refused one in the relationship, so my perspective is a bit skewed. If my wife were to suggest watching porn together, my neck would break from the vigorous head nodding. On the other hand, I can't remember the last time I saw my wife naked. I only suggested that because it sounds like their SM issue is still early on and there wasn't a lot of info to go on. Some more backstory might help. I agree with you at this stage she needs to leave no stone unturned but communication and honesty is paramount however the bottom line is compatibility and the jaded cynical part of me says that all relationships have a shelf life. The hopeless romantic says differently and I like her better. |
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 12, 2017 13:04:55 GMT -5
[/quote]
When you have sex, who initiates it and is he in to it?[/quote]
I try and initiate it and after a few weeks, suddenly he's in the mood and practically pounces on me. It makes me feel worse after that because then I know it's gonna be awhile before it happens again.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 12, 2017 13:17:04 GMT -5
When you have sex, who initiates it and is he in to it?[/quote] I try and initiate it and after a few weeks, suddenly he's in the mood and practically pounces on me. It makes me feel worse after that because then I know it's gonna be awhile before it happens again. [/quote] "He pounces on you" - what I'm wondering is if the times you do have sex is he a giving lover? Are you having 2 or 3 orgasms to his one? Is it one and done or two or three rounds? I'm all about quantity but if the quality isn't there than there are bigger issues, especially at this stage early in the marriage. Plus the fact that after you aren't elated and happy because my gut is telling me that he resets you each time you initiate and he just wants to get it over with. |
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 12, 2017 13:20:14 GMT -5
A little more back story. My husband was a truck driver when we first got together. He would only be gone one, maybe two nights a week so he was still home a majority of the time. and then decided he wanted to be home more, spend more time with the kids while they are young so now he does preloading at that same job. He's been there 9 yrs and just the preloading thing this past year.
We've had several conversations, even yelling screaming arguments about alot of this. I tell him I need sex minimum once a week and I need attention. I've even told him I'm not your live-in babysitter and maid, I'm your wife. I've dealt with neglect before and I can't anymore. Because of all this I now have anxiety and depression. He says what's wrong, I say put down the phone and pay attention to me and maybe you would know. I know I'm being a bitch, but I'm almost to that point I don't care anymore. And being a stay at home mom kinda makes it worse. I'm surrounded by kids 24/7 and the only "friends" I have, don't have kids. So of course they don't understand. If we could afford marriage counseling I would suggest that but 4 kids under 10 plus bills makes it unreachable.
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 12, 2017 13:23:36 GMT -5
When you have sex, who initiates it and is he in to it? I try and initiate it and after a few weeks, suddenly he's in the mood and practically pounces on me. It makes me feel worse after that because then I know it's gonna be awhile before it happens again. [/quote] "He pounces on you" - what I'm wondering is if the times you do have sex is he a giving lover? Are you having 2 or 3 orgasms to his one? Is it one and done or two or three rounds? I'm all about quantity but if the quality isn't there than there are bigger issues, especially at this stage early in the marriage. Plus the fact that after you aren't elated and happy because my gut is telling me that he resets you each time you initiate and he just wants to get it over with. [/quote] He's somewhat giving. Like, he does oral but he loves that anyway. And all together it never lasts more than 10 mins anymore either |
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. A healthy relationship should include both parties taking part in each others interests (while still having some of their own).
