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Post by bballgirl on Jan 12, 2017 13:26:05 GMT -5
A little more back story. My husband was a truck driver when we first got together. He would only be gone one, maybe two nights a week so he was still home a majority of the time. and then decided he wanted to be home more, spend more time with the kids while they are young so now he does preloading at that same job. He's been there 9 yrs and just the preloading thing this past year. We've had several conversations, even yelling screaming arguments about alot of this. I tell him I need sex minimum once a week and I need attention. I've even told him I'm not your live-in babysitter and maid, I'm your wife. I've dealt with neglect before and I can't anymore. Because of all this I now have anxiety and depression. He says what's wrong, I say put down the phone and pay attention to me and maybe you would know. I know I'm being a bitch, but I'm almost to that point I don't care anymore. And being a stay at home mom kinda makes it worse. I'm surrounded by kids 24/7 and the only "friends" I have, don't have kids. So of course they don't understand. If we could afford marriage counseling I would suggest that but 4 kids under 10 plus bills makes it unreachable. Sounds like he can't afford not to fuck you. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 12, 2017 13:34:29 GMT -5
When you have sex, who initiates it and is he in to it? I try and initiate it and after a few weeks, suddenly he's in the mood and practically pounces on me. It makes me feel worse after that because then I know it's gonna be awhile before it happens again. "He pounces on you" - what I'm wondering is if the times you do have sex is he a giving lover? Are you having 2 or 3 orgasms to his one? Is it one and done or two or three rounds? I'm all about quantity but if the quality isn't there than there are bigger issues, especially at this stage early in the marriage. Plus the fact that after you aren't elated and happy because my gut is telling me that he resets you each time you initiate and he just wants to get it over with. [/quote] He's somewhat giving. Like, he does oral but he loves that anyway. And all together it never lasts more than 10 mins anymore either[/quote] Somewhat doesn't cut it. Maybe instead of telling him you need it once a week you should tell him you need 60 minutes a month. How he gets there will either give you a great once a month session or more frequency. Honestly I see a lot of incompatibility here and you need to lay your cards on the table in a calm way, let him know that you don't mean to start an argument. This is a good link about how SM makes someone feel. themarriageplace.com/2017/01/not-having-sex-in-marriage/#comment-15065Have him read this and tell him if things don't change divorce is eminent and his porn habit needs be limited. If he prefers porn to you then I would get rid of him and get to an attorney ASAP. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 12, 2017 13:35:48 GMT -5
When you have sex, who initiates it and is he in to it?[/quote] I try and initiate it and after a few weeks, suddenly he's in the mood and practically pounces on me. It makes me feel worse after that because then I know it's gonna be awhile before it happens again. [/quote] I'm sorry to say it, but this is CLASSIC manipulation-emotional abuse. It's such a friggin game that you are being roped into playing. All on his terms - this behavior is so familiar to me. I remember YEARS back, having these talks with my H, trying to look - act - be the perfect wife - it is all so exhausting, not to mention demoralizing. Then having mediocre sex (commonly known as 'reset' sex) every so often to appease me. The entire time I was thinking - "I wonder when this will happen again?" Save yourself. Try to save your marriage if you must, but please don't let this farce of a marriage define you as a person. You are a uniquely amazing woman, worthy of, and deserving of, love, respect, not to mention, SEX & INTIMACY within your marriage on a regular basis. Your partner in this contract is NOT holding up his end of the bargain. If he refuses to address the issues in the marriage and will not do the work to fix them - he is just dead weight. Don't let this turn into a decade of wasted years, ruining you in the process. |
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Post by LITW on Jan 12, 2017 13:40:15 GMT -5
Sadly, the only way anything is likely to change in that situation is though couples counseling. He obviously does not take your concerns seriously, and if you can get undressed in front of him and he does not react, he is sexually numb. That being the case, it is most certainly caused by one or more of four things:
1) Overexposure to porn has made him numb to sexual stimuli in front of his eyes
2) He is abusing some substance (substance abuse causes people to retreat into themselves and care for nothing other than the next high) or behaviour--his gaming habit qualifies
3) He has undiagnosed depression that he is in denial about (possibly leading to #2)
4) He is getting it somewhere else
As long as he is not taking you seriously, the only way he will is if a third party gets involved, ie the counselor. If you live in an area with a community mental health agency, the provide family services on a sliding fee scale that you may be able to afford. Short of that, you can tell him he can either pay a counselor or an attorney, but either way its going to cost him.
Wishing you the best!!
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 12, 2017 13:45:48 GMT -5
I've even thought about an open marriage. I love him and don't want to leave him. But then I get so pissed off just thinking about him sleeping with someone else when he won't sleep with me. I wish there were such a thing as open for side, just enough to be satisfied and happy. I've told him I wouldn't be so angry with the world all the time if I didn't have a high sex drive. Maybe he needs to see the doctor about testosterone or something. I've seen that on some of these threads where it worked for those people.
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 12, 2017 13:51:35 GMT -5
LITW I've worried about that alot. About 10 yrs go he had a pill problem and now takes that Suboxone stuff. The only time his libido is as high as mine is when he went to the doctor to lose weight and they gave him meds that increase energy to lose water weight. So I don't understand why that's the only time he wanted to have sex 2-3 times a week.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 12, 2017 15:04:57 GMT -5
...I've even told him I'm not your live-in babysitter and maid, I'm your wife. But in fact you are just that, based on his words and behavior. He could be asexual, and if he is, he hired a babysitter and housekeeper when he married you. The "official" definition of asexuality, according to the AVEN site at least... "The lack of desire to have PARTNERED sex" (emphasis mine) Sound familiar? Should sound familiar to every member here. Of course, he may be quite sexual and getting it elsewhere. But if he's not, he seems reasonably happy with a babysitter for his kids and not a real wife (you're trying to be but he could care less), or any other sexual partner. There are a dizzying number of flavors of asexuality, such as "fraysexual", which describes a person that loses interest in partnered sex over time. Asexuality does NOT preclude a "sex drive" or desire for (solo) sex, or intense interest in porn, or even kink and fetishes. Asexuals are not all sexual zombies. They just as a group don't like PARTNERED sex. I'm not suggesting your H is asexual, just adding it to the why chasing list of possibilities. And if this is the case, all the counseling in the world won't help. Of course, if he is, but never acknowledges it, he will keep you why chasing for the next 40 years if you let him. |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 12, 2017 17:20:03 GMT -5
When you have sex, who initiates it and is he in to it?[/quote] I try and initiate it and after a few weeks, suddenly he's in the mood and practically pounces on me. It makes me feel worse after that because then I know it's gonna be awhile before it happens again. [/quote] You are identical to me in this way. Sex is bitter sweet. That feeling of your body's together is amazing, the reminder of how great you can feel together, the reminder that your partner is perfectly able bodied in this way and loves sex in that moment. After it's done you get the feeling of initial hope - is this the beginning of something new? But it quickly turns to despair, wondering when will they be ready again. 2 weeks (if I'm bloody lucky), 5 weeks (likely) or 7 weeks (if it's one of those horrible periods). Knowing that if they truly valued you they would make more effort! The frustration and injustice of knowing we have sex when they fancy a fuck! |
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 13, 2017 3:50:40 GMT -5
Update: got into in all out argument about it last night. He said it's because he's been working his ass off and he's exhausted. Then finally apologized for being so shitty and said he is going to make a doc appt to check his testosterone levels because maybe there is something wrong. Said he's wanted to have sex the past 3 nights but just didn't know how to go about it because I've been in such a bad mood. Who knows? Maybe there is hope for us yet.
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Post by baza on Jan 13, 2017 4:55:25 GMT -5
So he was "exhausted" as his first line of defence, and that morphed in to "being in a shitty mood" as his second line of defence, then a neat blame deflection onto you and "you being in a bad mood" as the third line of defence. And some vague and unverifiable claim of being up for it over the last 3 days.
All pretty standard and predictable avoidant fare so far.
This bit, where he says he'll go and see a Doctor seems to be the most relevant thing in this exchange.
I'd be inclined to just observe and see if he actually does go and see a Doctor.
If he hasn't made that appointment within a week, then I think the warning bells ought be ringing loudly in your ear.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 13, 2017 5:24:40 GMT -5
Update: got into in all out argument about it last night. He said it's because he's been working his ass off and he's exhausted. Then finally apologized for being so shitty and said he is going to make a doc appt to check his testosterone levels because maybe there is something wrong. Said he's wanted to have sex the past 3 nights but just didn't know how to go about it because I've been in such a bad mood. Who knows? Maybe there is hope for us yet. Spooky... mine went to doc this week to see about his lack of libido and has been recommended to have blood tests to check his testosterone. This will involve him getting 2 buses all by his self and next tues is his first opportunity with work commitments. I'll wager he won't go. I'm not going to mention it and just see if he goes. Not that his libido could make the rest of our relationship any better anyway. I'm just biding my time until the right moment now. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 13, 2017 8:04:58 GMT -5
Update: got into in all out argument about it last night. He said it's because he's been working his ass off and he's exhausted. Then finally apologized for being so shitty and said he is going to make a doc appt to check his testosterone levels because maybe there is something wrong. Said he's wanted to have sex the past 3 nights but just didn't know how to go about it because I've been in such a bad mood. Who knows? Maybe there is hope for us yet. This is a positive thing but his actions have yet to be proven by his words. He said he wanted to have sex the past 3 nights - I'm calling bullshit. Ultimately that's the issue here - what's stopping him? Knowing what I know now - I would straight up ask him if he prefers to get off by himself with porn instead of a real life woman? He'll probably lie but at least he'll know you are on to him. If it is the case then he needs to reprogram his mind. The blood test is a step in the right direction too. |
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 13, 2017 8:20:08 GMT -5
If he doesn't make the appt, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know if I should go with him to it or not.
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Post by iceman on Jan 13, 2017 8:23:30 GMT -5
shamwow said "the ladies in the forum may disagree with this one, but have you tried watching porn together? It obviously gets him in the mood. Of course, there is the possibility that he isn't thinking of you and is thinking of the porn star, but in all honesty, he may be ..." I tried even this torwards the end of my marriage. H and I were sitting alone in the family room watching tv. I turned to him and very as a matter of fact said, "You want to watch porn together?" He didn't answer but looked at me like I had 3 heads. I giggled and we continued staring at the tv. What I've learned is if a man wants to have sex with you then he will make the effort to do so, the men on this forum have taught me the way a normal man's mind works in regards to sex (I was VERY naive for many years) so now I know what I want and one day I will have that. It's worth a try. My ex and I had a very good sex life (our divorce had nothing to do with sex) and we watched porn together. It greatly enhanced our sex life. Of course it helped that she was into porn and would become incredibly turned on watching it. Nothing turns me on like a women who is also turned on. If you're not into porn or find it unappealing it may not work. I would not have liked watching porn with my ex if she didn't also like it. My current wife doesn't like porn. We attempted to watch porn together many years ago and it didn't work. She tried but it was obvious it was doing nothing for her. |
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Post by idkanymore on Jan 13, 2017 8:25:26 GMT -5
Update: got into in all out argument about it last night. He said it's because he's been working his ass off and he's exhausted. Then finally apologized for being so shitty and said he is going to make a doc appt to check his testosterone levels because maybe there is something wrong. Said he's wanted to have sex the past 3 nights but just didn't know how to go about it because I've been in such a bad mood. Who knows? Maybe there is hope for us yet. This is a positive thing but his actions have yet to be proven by his words. He said he wanted to have sex the past 3 nights - I'm calling bullshit. Ultimately that's the issue here - what's stopping him? Knowing what I know now - I would straight up ask him if he prefers to get off by himself with porn instead of a real life woman? He'll probably lie but at least he'll know you are on to him. If it is the case then he needs to reprogram his mind. The blood test is a step in the right direction too. I asked him why he's watching porn instead of just coming to me and he said he didn't understand what I meant. I said I'm right here, if you think about sex I'm always ready. I don't care if it's the middle of the day and you decide to come home for your lunch break. He didn't even notice he wasn't being affectionate I told him I'm worse than the kids when it comes to needing attention and he needs to fix it. He looked genuinely upset with himself when I told him he is the cause of my depression. That's when he apologized for "being so shitty" that all he wants is for me to be happy. |
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