jgb
Junior Member
Posts: 32 
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Post by jgb on Jan 10, 2017 16:51:23 GMT -5
I've been married for 27 years now, but it's probably been close to 10 years since the last time we had sex. It is just not something that she wants...ever. She was always (sort of) willing to accommodate me, but, as time went on, her lack of desire became more obvious and more of a problem for me. Having sex with someone who does not want to be doing it just makes me feel creepy. It's not like she would roll her eyes or look at her watch, but her lack of interest was palpable. So, I stopped asking. As I said, that was ten years ago and, in all that time, (for that matter, come to think of it, during our entire time together) she has never suggested sex. Or even asked me why I stopped asking. I don't hold it against her...she has every right to feel whatever level of desire is normal for her. After all, I could just keep asking, and get it when she was willing (which, to be fair, is a LOT less often than it used to be). All things considered, I am far better off with her than without. She is my whole life. Sure I miss sex, but, to be realistic, I could leave and I still wouldn't be getting any. I'm not tall, handsome (or rich), and now, I'm middle-aged. So, the affair option is not realistic.
Quite independent of this (trust me), I have problems with depression. Have had since I was a kid. About 4 years ago, things had taken a turn, so I went to the doctor and was given antidepressants. Not my first time, so I knew to expect sexual dysfunction. This time, however, maybe because of my age, was particularly egregious...nearly complete impotence, total anorgasmia, non-existent libido. Fast forward to now, I recently decided to stop seeing that doctor, mostly due to her lack of concern for the very thing I came there for. 30 seconds talking about my mental health issues, followed by a 20 minute sales pitch for colonoscopies or some damned thing. I decided to go see a real psychiatrist, someone who wouldn't stray off the subject...since it is their raison d'etre.
During the first visit, I was asked all sorts of things about possible childhood trauma, injury, etc, etc.. Then she asked about my sex life. I told her that I was unable due to the pills, and that was okay since it had been years before that anyway. Stopped her dead in her tracks. "you haven't had sex in ten years?" The look on her face made me want to leave immediately. I tried to explain to her that something that depressed libido was, for me, not entirely a bad thing, but I could see that I was making it worse.
My next appointment is next week. Not sure how this is going to go...
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Post by shamwow on Jan 10, 2017 16:56:23 GMT -5
If you need to make her feel better tell her you have sexual fantasies about your mother. That will put her back at home with her training.
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Post by Lithium92 on Jan 10, 2017 17:07:56 GMT -5
Had my first therapy session today. My therapist had a look of sort of frozen horror on his face when I told him some stuff my mother got up to, and I haven't even touched on the best stuff yet.
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Post by unmatched on Jan 10, 2017 18:45:11 GMT -5
jgb I kind of like her! She might be very good for you.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jan 10, 2017 20:05:49 GMT -5
I can see your issue - she sees a problem where you don't. I would take her reaction as one of empathy. Sex is a basic human need - it's how the species survives. Sure, it is not necessary for the individual's survival, but to have to repress it goes against your natural inclination. She knows this and also may feel the lack of sex may be contributing to your depressive state. She may not be able to cure your sex life, but she may have ways of helping you cope. I would ask her about this at the next session.
Just my thoughts. Good luck and I hope you find peace.
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Post by pfviento on Jan 10, 2017 20:14:49 GMT -5
Give it time. My brother hated his therapist but the army forced him to go due to his drinking. It ended up helping him process some unresolved issues. They are not totally resolved but he copes much better now.
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Post by baza on Jan 10, 2017 20:16:04 GMT -5
It reads like you are attempting to sort your own shit out, with a bit of professional guidance.
This appears to be a very wise task to undertake.
If you get your shit sorted, you will be in an empowered state to deal with your problems, as you'll be somewhere near your best. And thus give yourself a realistic shot at what ever it is you actually want.
Really, that's the mission for all of us.
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Post by unmatched on Jan 10, 2017 20:30:48 GMT -5
The trouble is you depress your libido, then you depress other feelings - like love, or tenderness - and then you find yourself suppressing frustration or anger or resentment. And then a few years down the line guess what? You find yourself suffering from depression. I am not saying there is no physical or genetic cause for it, or that you might not be prone to depression anyway. But if it is your natural inclination to lean in that direction, then the more you stuff down your feelings the worse you are likely to get. Maybe that is why she looked the way she did?
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jgb
Junior Member
Posts: 32
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Post by jgb on Jan 10, 2017 20:44:05 GMT -5
As I said, I would never dream of leaving. I really love my wife. We have built a great life..we have two fantastic kids I could not be prouder of. My wife and I do everything together. Truth be told, I am probably too dependent on her. I was never good at having friends and I haven't had one for years. She is European, so a couple times a year, she is away for a week or two to deal with her mother, etc.. I go when I can, but work keeps me here more often than not. When she is gone, I am miserable.
I'm not saying that my mental state doesn't suffer somewhat from this prolonged abstinence, but my mental health issues predate her by a long time. Not her fault.
there are actually times that I envy her asexuality...because it is not a defense mechanism for her, not some sort of sexual hang up. She didn't lose her sex drive for hormonal or emotional reasons. She just does not feel desire like the rest of us. That lack has not been a problem for her.
I was never good at the whole go out and get laid thing when I was single. I know that low self esteem is part of depression, but realistically I doubt I could manage it now.
The long and short of it is that this is a problem without a solution. I don't like it, but I am not going to blow up my life to try (and likely fail) to fix it.
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Post by baza on Jan 10, 2017 20:53:35 GMT -5
There is little point in expending your energy and resources on your missus' stuff.
You can't "fix" her any more than she can "fix" you.
But again, your present pursuit of dealing with *your* stuff seems sensible.
That's a matter over which you have some control, and therefore, have some chance of success.
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Post by Lithium92 on Jan 11, 2017 3:51:13 GMT -5
For most people, I guess, lack of sex in a relationship is an indicator of wider dysfunction, and a shrink is probably going to see it as a red flag and at least want to explore that. Asexual partners aren't the most usual explanation (my story is very similar to yours btw, except, no kids and I'm too attached to my libido to let it fade away, even though that might be less painful).
It's easy to forget how odd our own situations can be as they become our normal over years, and having someone else register that something's askew can be a start of us addressing it, or a lightbulb. Case in point - my first session this week, I casually told a story about how my mother bangs on about how giving birth to me nearly killed her and I spent the first two weeks of life in an incubator. She always makes a point of telling this story on my birthday. I was laughing as I told my therapist, and though I could see my mother tells it to big up her maternal sacrifices (she's BPD), I hadn't really ascribed much more to it. However, my therapist was genuinely shocked about the aggression of her repeatedly telling that story, and made a link about the need for human touch, two weeks in an incubator, and my need for sex. Maybe a bit glib and easy, but maybe not.
But my point is that your therapist might come up with something that completely reframes what you're going through.
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Post by darktippedrose on Jan 12, 2017 20:01:54 GMT -5
Most people are shocked that I haven't had sex in 3.5 years. No hugs in 2 years. I haven't had sex where my husband pretended to be into it since I was 24 and I'm 31 now.
Hugs.
Maybe she can help you out.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 20:29:49 GMT -5
Jgb - not sure why you are here then as both you and wife seem ok with the situation. So what's the problem? You will find just about all here think no sex is an unacceptable.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 12, 2017 21:08:43 GMT -5
I remember hearing about the one good truth to come out of Nazi Germany. The Nazis set up these child care centers for orphan babies. They gave them all the proper funding and sanitation, but babies kept on dying in them - with the exception of one center. In that one center, they had very few infants dying.
The Nazis compared the practices at that one center with the rest. All the feeding, cleaning, and care were the same except for one item. In most of the centers, when they changed out the baby's bedsheets, they placed the baby on a cart. At that one center, a nurse held the baby in one arm and changed the bedding with the other. She talked and sang to the baby while she worked. The scientists concluded that the one small bit of human touch and attention was the difference between life and death.
Don't know the source of this story, other than a sociology professor told it in a college class. Not sure if it was true, but I don't care. Touch and affection are vital to human health.
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jgb
Junior Member
Posts: 32
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Post by jgb on Jan 16, 2017 11:27:30 GMT -5
Jgb - not sure why you are here then as both you and wife seem ok with the situation. So what's the problem? You will find just about all here think no sex is an unacceptable. Where did you get that idea? My conclusion was that there was no fix for this that would not involve me blowing up my life, which I do not think would work anyway. I am not okay with it. But, I have accepted it |
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