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Post by baza on Jan 6, 2017 19:29:35 GMT -5
A comment by beachguy on another thread has prompted this post, so rather than comment there, I've opened a new thread here.
If I read the comment correctly, it advances a theory that being divorced carries with it some sort of stigma.
Personally, I have not experienced this, at the time (2009), or subsequently.
Now obviously it is possible that people were giving me (and / or my missus) a good old cook behind our backs, but I have not personally felt in any way stigmatised by my divorced status at any point.
So, I pose the question for those divorced, or in the process there-of.
Do you feel stigmatised by this turn of events ?
Personally, my respose is "no".
However, I am certain that assorted people when they heard the news were highly likely to have leapt to judgement "I always thought baz was a prick" - "I always thought that Mrs baz would drive him away" etc etc.
And, I would imagine that our divorce was probably the subject of discussion for several minute, or an hour, absolute tops.
By then, problems of their own, like how they will we pay the mortgage in 2 weeks time etc would have - rightfully - become the main topic of conversation.
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Post by nancyb on Jan 6, 2017 20:20:30 GMT -5
Have never felt stigmatized by my divorce(s). I did however change my name back to my birth name after the first divorce because I didn't want to be like Elizabeth Taylor with all her surnames.
Seriously I have never seen myself as less than because of unfortunately choices and circumstances.
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 6, 2017 20:35:00 GMT -5
I am neither divorced or in the process but see no stigma in divorce. There can be unique cases of stigma involving multiple divorces but that stigma is implied by unresolved relationship issues spanning multiple partners and the divorces are just a byproduct.
I agree that the attention given to nearly all divorces is minimal and superficial. If the divorce involves our parents or our children then they are of importance but most are just a blip in our lives.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 6, 2017 21:25:11 GMT -5
My BIL is on his 4th or 5th marriage -- yeah, that starts to suggest a pattern of bad decisions or a personality issue.
There was a time that if you were engaged and it was called off, you had a black mark.
Times change. Society changes. And among the few things our society seems to value today (aside from celebrity status), your divorce doesn't even make an interesting footnote.
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Post by Pinkberry on Jan 6, 2017 21:30:02 GMT -5
I think it can be different for women. I get a lot of tight lipped looks when I tell people that my last name is different from my children's. Perhaps if I still had the same last name it would be different, but I suspect not because then I would be eternally correcting people who refer to my ex as my husband because then I would have to correct them.
Furthermore, divorced women with kids get very bad wraps in the dating world. I'm no longer dating, but people who know me and had been friends with me for years were warning my current husband about dating me when I was a single mother. There are lots of assumptions about divorced mothers.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 6, 2017 22:38:31 GMT -5
Pinkberry, but don't you think that's more about the kids than the divorced status? I think 'single with kids' is a much bigger challenge socially and for romantic prospects. I'm not so sure people care so much about the divorce part. There is the prospect of long-term ex-spouse drama with shared custody. Then there's a very different dynamic to raising kids who aren't yours/adopted. You're not quite the same authority figure in that role, and if the custody is shared there will forever be challenges with different standards/ethics/rules between households. Not to mention the "instant family" responsibility aspect. I'm not saying it's the death knell of dating, but it's gonna have an effect on the interested parties. I think less for reasons of "acceptable behavior", and more for the practical life changes it brings. And yeah, this might pose a bigger obstacle for women than men.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 6, 2017 23:03:48 GMT -5
With my divorce not complete yet, I do feel stigmatized in different areas and to different degrees. When you have been married for 24 yrs. and project yourself as the "model christian family" homeschool, keeper of grand parents, single income, no daycare, adoption, people always telling you how well behaved your kids are, charities, sports, etc.. then you have to mention "I am getting divorced" people respond with, "OH, I am so sorry to hear that."
You would think the next question would be, "why?". But that is rarely asked.
These are people who have watched me raise my family. Bankers, grocers,guards, pastors,doctors, barbers, coaches, teachers, etc... your known as "such a nice guy". With these people I feel more compelled to defend myself, and not sound like a victim. With certain people I do say, "no, no, it's okay, actually thing are going to be better for everyone".
Then I go on to explain, " I lived in a loveless, sexless, marriage with a manipulative controller, and things will be much better off for everyone, when we separate. Most everyone seems to understand that scene all to well. Which kind of surprises me, since I was in a FOG to it for so many years, living in my sheltered environment.
What's odd is ,its a weird almost nice feeling to possibly be thought of as less than innocent for once,...once. I tend to speculate that people automatically will blame me for having an affair. If only they knew how many woman I was constantly around as a stay at home, homeschooling dad, and yet shoved aside as not part of their clicks.
Then comes the concerns of being labeled, and having to introduce myself as divorced.
I can only guess at what assumptions there are out there about divorced fathers, who are still raising their teens on a daily basis.
Lastly comes the fear, and guilt of wanting to apologize to my kids, for the rest of my life (especially my two youngest daughters) for tearing apart there solid (yet crumbling) foundation of two parents. Will there also be a ton of control, and manipulation continually cast upon me and used on the children to get to me by my controlling ex? That has yet to be seen.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 7, 2017 0:36:54 GMT -5
Not at all. Life goes on and nobody cares about my divorce.
People were shocked though.
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Post by Pinkberry on Jan 7, 2017 0:59:19 GMT -5
Part of that is about kids because without them nobody has any reference for my name. But there is also a divorcée stigma.
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Post by thefullmoon on Jan 7, 2017 1:42:19 GMT -5
A comment by beachguy on another thread has prompted this post, so rather than comment there, I've opened a new thread here. If I read the comment correctly, it advances a theory that being divorced carries with it some sort of stigma. Personally, I have not experienced this, at the time (2009), or subsequently. Now obviously it is possible that people were giving me (and / or my missus) a good old cook behind our backs, but I have not personally felt in any way stigmatised by my divorced status at any point. So, I pose the question for those divorced, or in the process there-of. Do you feel stigmatised by this turn of events ? Personally, my respose is "no". However, I am certain that assorted people when they heard the news were highly likely to have leapt to judgement "I always thought baz was a prick" - "I always thought that Mrs baz would drive him away" etc etc. And, I would imagine that our divorce was probably the subject of discussion for several minute, or an hour, absolute tops. By then, problems of their own, like how they will we pay the mortgage in 2 weeks time etc would have - rightfully - become the main topic of conversation. I became a single mother in 1991 (in Eastern Europe)... My friends stayed as my friends, but I noticed some cold shoulder attitude towards my children and me from some neighbours, at school and at some official places... I became lesser decent woman in the eyes of some... Not that it bothered me, but I was sad that my children had to go through it... |
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 7, 2017 18:32:07 GMT -5
I became a single mother in 1991 (in Eastern Europe)... My friends stayed as my friends, but I noticed some cold shoulder attitude towards my children and me from some neighbours, at school and at some official places... I became lesser decent woman in the eyes of some... Not that it bothered me, but I was sad that my children had to go through it... Anyone who saw you as less decent because of your divorce is someone lacking in basic human decency. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2017 18:34:44 GMT -5
From where I sit, not yet even divorced but moving that way, divorce looks like so much work that people had better well CONGRATULATE me when I get my divorce. I'm taking none of this "oh, I'm so sorry!" shit. Don't even try it on me folks.
You have to really, really need and want to get out in order to be willing to go through it all. From here, it looks like walking through fire.
I'll be seeking to reeducate people. Divorce is the harder path. I'll expect props for it!
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 7, 2017 18:52:59 GMT -5
From where I sit, not yet even divorced but moving that way, divorce looks like so much work that people had better well CONGRATULATE me when I get my divorce. I'm taking none of this "oh, I'm so sorry!" shit. Don't even try it on me folks. You have to really, really need and want to get out in order to be willing to go through it all. From here, it looks like walking through fire. I'll be seeking to reeducate people. Divorce is the harder path. I'll expect props for it! I agree 100%. People that say divorce is the easy way out are clueless. I have a friend from EP who got a divorce this past Fall. So I'm sitting at my desk at work and I text him Congratulations!! The person next to me said, "what are you congratulating them for?" I answered, "A Divorce". We smiled. Sometimes people told me "I'm sorry" upon hearing the news of my divorce. I corrected them and said - No its Congratulations! |
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Post by JMX on Jan 7, 2017 19:50:06 GMT -5
I know you are asking for the divorced perspective and not the perpetually-on-the-fence, however, I have been around many a gaggle of fellow talkin' biddies when these things come up.
For those of you that are curious what goes on in these conversations:
Lady 1: Did you hear so-and-so is getting divorced?
Ladies in unison: NO! What happened.
Lady 1: Well, they have had problems for awhile...
Lady 2: yeah, I think I noticed them not even talking at so-and-so's party. But what did I know? I avoid my husband some nights too.
Lady 3: Good for her! Are the kids okay?
Lady 1: Oh, yeah. They seem to be doing fine.
Lady 2: Oh look, the Saki is here, drink up, girlies!
Ladies in Unison: Woo-hoo! Partay!
Do people talk? Yes. Do they really care? Nope. They have their own lives, families, problems, etc. They also have Saki.
And maybe because this is generational for me and I am not religious, I have no fear of being stigmatized at all. In fact, I bet my friends wonder why I haven't left yet.
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Post by baza on Jan 7, 2017 20:08:32 GMT -5
As near as I can recall, about 2002, missus and I arrive at a party. Haven't seen the hosts *Jenny and Max" for a while.
We arrive, Jen greets us.
"Where's Max ?" - I enquire.
"We're getting divorced" Jen advises "he's not here".
"Fair enough. Where's the beer ?" - I enquire
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