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Post by shamwow on Dec 30, 2016 20:38:58 GMT -5
It seems like many here have been to couples therapy. I was wondering what how much good it does. Thoughts? Pro and con.
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Post by jim44444 on Dec 30, 2016 20:44:51 GMT -5
For me a waste of time and money.
I think it could help if both are committed to embracing the therapy. If one or both are looking for validation of their actions then it is worthless. I also believe it is best in the early stages of a relationship problem before the individuals become entrenched in their seperate foxholes.
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Post by wewbwb on Dec 30, 2016 20:52:46 GMT -5
Like all therapy, if you have a good therapist, and (in this case both people) are committed to change for the better, it is valuable. Invaluable really.
If one or both are simply making a half hearted effort, its pointless.
So it's not a simple yes/no answer.
Like most things in life, you get out what you put into it.
The difficulty is that YOU cannot solely determine the outcome.
No matter how much you get out of it the marriage can still not improve if she puts little or no effort into it.
If you look at it from the point of view that you can learn things to help you improve your next relationship, it's totally worth it.
If you get even just one tool to help you, you are better off.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Dec 30, 2016 20:52:50 GMT -5
I don't know that it was a total waste of time and money. I think if started earlier, when the problem(s) are first noticed, it may help repair a marriage. For me, it showed that he wanted things to stay exactly the same, and for me to adapt and deal with living without sex for the rest of our marriage. It helped me realize things would never change if I stayed married, and I had to leave to find my sanity, happiness, and rediscover my true self. For that, it was very helpful
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Post by nancyb on Dec 30, 2016 20:53:21 GMT -5
I have done couples therapy and found it to be of value if you have a partner who doesn't fight fair. The counsellor acted as a mediator in that situation. Overall however I think that each partner pursuing their own therapy is by far the better choice.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 21:02:47 GMT -5
A waste. No cure for narcissism. And you don't mention alcoholism to an alcoholic if you want him to participate in therapy. That's what made my H bolt. All the therapist had to do was mention the A word and H was done.
I suppose, if you were both committed to working on the relationship and still loved each other and were just having a rough patch in the communication department, it might be helpful. But, to get someone to wholesale change? To come around to wanting sex and a relationship? Yeah, no.
I am otherwise, a HUGE fan of therapy. I've been in individual therapy for years. It's more of a touchstone for me and has helped me accept how crummy my marriage is and how badly I need to get out. And, it's helped me build my support system, make an exit plan, and now, execute the plan.
Therapy only works if the person or people in therapy want to work. It only helps people who want to be helped. Does your W want help? I've sensed not from your posts.
I personally will not enter couples therapy again with my H. He would fleece me again by pretending to work and then he'd go right back to his old ways.
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Post by ggold on Dec 30, 2016 21:06:04 GMT -5
I think it really depends. I have been in individual therapy for years on and off. It has helped me tremendously. My H and I went to therapy two summers ago. We didn't go to many sessions. It was too late at that point for me. He still had hope afterwards. If we had gone to therapy together about 10-15 years ago, we MAY have had a chance. We went too late.
There are so many factors involved to determine if it will save a marriage or not.
I say, though, it is worth a try.
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Post by baza on Dec 30, 2016 21:11:37 GMT -5
Presupposing the counsellor is competent, joint counselling can be very helpful.
But, the success is ALWAYS limited to the level of effort the least motivated spouse displays.
That is to say, "you" go along to counselling and "you" put in 100% effort.
Your spouse goes along to counselling, and puts in 25% effort.
Best result you can expect, is 25%.
You are already at 100%, so you can't also do the spouses 75% shortfall.
However, it is communicating something very clearly to you if your spouse
(a) - attends but doesn't put in much effort
(b) - won't attend at all
Your spouse is clearly telling you that they are not at all invested in any changes to the situation.
So that, tells you plenty, without a word being spoken.
As a theory, joint counselling, with two committed spouses ready to put in 100% each, great things can be achieved.
In practice, in an ILIASM shithole, there is invariably one spouse who is not invested in the process, which renders joint counselling fucking useless.
Unfortunately, my opinion above, doesn't fit in any of the 4 voting options, so I have not voted.
And, keep in mind that a counsellors job is to arm you with the tools to negotiate your own unique resolution.
It is NOT their job to resolve your ILIASM shithole.
A good counsellor is a facilitator. Not a fucking magician.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 30, 2016 22:04:54 GMT -5
One thing I am hearing consistently is that if the other side isn't committed it won't work. What if it is just me who has nothing left in the gas tank. I don't expect reconciliation but I do want to understand why.
Also the thing people ask me when I discuss my SM is if we have been to counseling. I have a feeling that if I go to counseling I will hear the same shit again and she will kick the can down the road... Again. If we go to counseling though I can check that box off.
I don't plan on counseling until I've done my lawyer shopping, though. A bit Machiavellian?
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Post by baza on Dec 30, 2016 22:19:25 GMT -5
If it is "you" who is out of gas, same thing applies.
Joint counselling will be useless if you are running at 25% committment, even if your spouse is going at it 100%
Incidently, this ain't that unusual.
Oftentimes, although you "think" you are ready to have one last big effort, the realisation emerges that you are done, and don't have anything left in the tank.
Can be a most disconcerting feeling.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 30, 2016 22:19:46 GMT -5
I've done it twice. If the goal is to save the marriage, then it will probably be a waste of money. The choice of counselor is crucial, but it takes more than a good counselor. Both people in the relationship have to be able to listen and work at it in order to save the marriage.
A better goal is to evaluate the marriage to see if it is salvageable. Counseling may not save the marriage, but it may make the split easier. At least you can walk away with a clean conscience and a chance to build a new relationship with your STBX.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 30, 2016 22:27:52 GMT -5
I've done it twice. If the goal is to save the marriage, then it will probably be a waste of money. The choice of counselor is crucial, but it takes more than a good counselor. Both people in the relationship have to be able to listen and work at it in order to save the marriage. A better goal is to evaluate the marriage to see if it is salvageable. Counseling may not save the marriage, but it may make the split easier. At least you can walk away with a clean conscience and a chance to build a new relationship with your STBX. I think that may be where I am at. I am more interested in figuring out "what's next" than trying to save something that died of neglect years ago. It also gives both of us the cover that "we tried" |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 30, 2016 22:29:08 GMT -5
Presupposing the counsellor is competent, joint counselling can be very helpful. But, the success is ALWAYS limited to the level of effort the least motivated spouse displays. That is to say, "you" go along to counselling and "you" put in 100% effort. Your spouse goes along to counselling, and puts in 25% effort. Best result you can expect, is 25%. You are already at 100%, so you can't also do the spouses 75% shortfall. However, it is communicating something very clearly to you if your spouse (a) - attends but doesn't put in much effort (b) - won't attend at all Your spouse is clearly telling you that they are not at all invested in any changes to the situation. So that, tells you plenty, without a word being spoken. All of the above was beneficial for me and the therapist, for future reference. The same therapists doesn't have to rely on my one sided point of view. He has already witnessed it right in his office. I find myself verifying things by saying, "you remember, she sat right over there and said, I detached myself from you two years ago". I believe there are times when my therapist has and should be a judge. When we meet seperatly and he has to ask me weather certain things are true or not, or my take on things. Then comes the benefit of having my actions or words justified. I have been told as diplomatic as possible while trying to keep up the code of confidentiality, "that's what I thought happened or why you reacted that way," It gives you self respect again, and helps you heal. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 30, 2016 22:44:57 GMT -5
I've done it twice. If the goal is to save the marriage, then it will probably be a waste of money. The choice of counselor is crucial, but it takes more than a good counselor. Both people in the relationship have to be able to listen and work at it in order to save the marriage. A better goal is to evaluate the marriage to see if it is salvageable. Counseling may not save the marriage, but it may make the split easier. At least you can walk away with a clean conscience and a chance to build a new relationship with your STBX. I think that may be where I am at. I am more interested in figuring out "what's next" than trying to save something that died of neglect years ago. It also gives both of us the cover that "we tried" Think of it like taking your car to the mechanic. the mechanic spends hours finding the problem. Days later he tells you, "you've got water in your fuel tank, but I can't figure out where it's coming from, got it running for you." Then your wife goes to pick it up," and tells the mechanic, "oh I thought water would help make it run longer." A good therapists will detect her controlling behavior right away. Be aware of the old school thinking, "your the husband, so you are responsible for meeting her needs, and her feelings will trump any facts, needs or emotions of yours." |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 30, 2016 22:56:48 GMT -5
shamwow, +1 to all the comments thus far. Individual therapy is a stellar idea for self-awareness, maybe with a guest appearance by W to give the counselor some first-hand context for your own therapy. Therapy (whether joint or solo) will benefit the participants to the extent of their participation. Alternately, you can use joint sessions as a way to ease into a divorce with less hostility.
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