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Post by bballgirl on Dec 28, 2016 21:09:38 GMT -5
It's a tough situation you are in. What would make you happy?
Do you want the new job? Do you want your son in a different school?
If you do move then I wouldn't buy something not knowing if your marriage is solid, you can rent a house until you figure out the marriage deal. It sounds like your marriage is a typical SM shithole and sometimes that is not in our control but I think doing what is best for your son should be your top priority.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 28, 2016 21:23:10 GMT -5
My son is autistic, although pretty high functioning. I have put off buying a house or thinking of relocating just to keep him in a great school. He fits in so well where he is, and the teachers have been wonderful since he started pre-school. He is now 14. I would move, but that's me. Marriage and romance would wait.
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Post by kiltedpadre on Dec 28, 2016 21:54:32 GMT -5
I would definitely say move. If the school facilities are that much better for your son that portion of things is a fairly easy one to make.
The living situation is where things become much more tricky. I agree with a previous poster; consider renting till things are better sorted. If buying keep the idea of divorce as a consideration and buy more of a starter home as opposed to your dream home. Make it easier to walk away and move on if needed.
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Post by wom360 on Dec 28, 2016 22:54:32 GMT -5
What's the new state? What's the alimony situation there?
Oh, and dump your wife. The timing depends on the difference between the states as I mentioned.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2016 23:26:40 GMT -5
Your wife throws you crumbs instead of real solutions. You have to accept this and not get taken in every time she throws you a bone. You obviously need to decide what's best for your son but don't expect any long term change from your wife.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2016 0:03:23 GMT -5
This is a tough situation to be in. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I agree that your son comes first though. This job and the lifestyle change for you coupled with the school for your son sounds like you can't pass it up.
You already know that your wife won't change, can't change, so make the move with that in mind. Buy a small house, pay cash if you can - tell your wife you want to start putting away more for retirement, but then, when it's time to split, you'll be able to comfortably buy another place while she stays in the starter house.
Of course, if lightning strikes her and she decides to grace you with the regular sex all decent married folk DESERVE, you can buy your dream home together and live in wedded bliss until death do you part! (Yes, my SM has made me a little sarcastic - sorry for that.)
As for the love interest, that's a really sweet thing, isn't it? I've recently had that too and it serves as a reminder that we are decent people imprisoned by refusers. But you know it probably won't pan out, and you definitely can't hang around for it and pass up this great offer. But, you can carry it as a reminder that there are lots more where that came from. Plenty of emotionally intelligent, healthy, attractive, good, kind women willing to have lots of sex with loving husbands for the rest of their natural born lives. You'll easily find another after you move and divorce.
HTH. And remember, every ending is a new beginning. While endings are sad, beginnings are such a thrill, aren't they? Enjoy the new opportunity - I feel growth calling you.
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Post by snowman12345 on Dec 29, 2016 0:07:33 GMT -5
You are talking about moving and starting a new job. Both of these things are life stressors that can wear on you even without the SM shithole. Throw in the longing for a marriage partner that values you enough to make sex a priority - well, I can't blame you for seeking answers. The move and the new job sound like real pluses for you and your kid, so those things may balance out there. The odds that your refuser will make concrete change to stay married to you are against you. She did say "If you're gonna divorce me, I wish you would just do it." It sounds very much like you have lost interest in making the marriage work and perhaps your refuser realizes that and offers the "I'll work on it" olive branch.
Speaking as someone who wanders around outside of his marriage - an affair or whatever you want to call it - will feel really good, but it will complicate things and perhaps jeopardize you financially in a divorce. I look at it as a gamble or a calculated risk. But you are talking about something even more damaging than a physical affair. An emotional affair may be harder to let go of. You also have to consider whether it is fair for the affair partner to string things along, waiting for the day that you are free.
The only thing you can change here is YOU. Make plans for YOU.
I hope you find peace.
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Post by baza on Dec 29, 2016 0:30:54 GMT -5
"Attitude" is an interesting thing.
On one hand, upturning the family and moving seems like a good idea, because you have a positive attitude about it.
On the other, upturning your life by offloading an avoidant spouse generally carries with it a negative attitude.
Yet the two scenarios have many similarities.
It the attitude that differs.
This is your call, and no-one elses Brother EarthHorse.
It would be interesting to know what the divorce laws are like in the (potential) new jurisdiction compared to your current jurisdiction. I don't think Brother wom360 was joking about that suggestion.
Is your main ? here about the chances of your missus having a big turnaround ?
You can pretty much eliminate that possibility, whether you shift or whether you don't.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 29, 2016 0:48:23 GMT -5
@earthhorse, lots of good suggestions so far. I'll recap my favorites:
* Moving is the best thing for your son, your career, and your commute. And coming from the Bay Area, the cost of living and housing is going to be lower anywhere else = better for the family overall (e.g., nicer home for the same money, or same home at a lower cost).
* Rent after moving. Not only is it smart for a potential divorce, it's smart to get settled in and learn the lay of the land before you lock down your housing. Considerations here are having to move twice, and possibly taxes on gains from selling your old home. (Alternative: rent out your old house until ready to buy a new one to avoid the gap that triggers taxes on the gains. Get tax advice.)
* You may need a period of time in a new locale before you can divorce under their laws without having the jurisdiction disputed. As mentioned, get legal advice to find out if you're making your prospects better or worse.
* Avoid the affair. Keep a clear head and leave for the right reasons, if necessary - not because you were lured by greener pastures and abandoned efforts. It doesn't string along a third party, and there is no affair to be discovered and make the divorce go nuclear. You're looking at another decade of close relations with your wife, followed by a lifetime of being connected - if you have to part ways, it'll be better if you're not enemies.
Bottom line: stay focused and get expert advice first.
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Post by lyn on Dec 29, 2016 0:53:41 GMT -5
I started identifying and naming my sexless marriage about 2 years ago, but it's been ongoing for about 5 total. I've been to counseling by myself and as a couple, and have gotten to the point where I mustered up the courage to finally move out. Each time, there is some level of her getting it and promising change or initiating some change. Things have gotten better, but sex is still not a part of the picture. In the past year I've come to long for a shift in career, and relocation. We live in one of the most expensive areas in the us (Bay Area) and I'm tired of commuting 2-3 hours a day. Also, my son has special needs and is getting overlooked in public school. We can't afford private schools. The wear is starting to show this year (3rd grade). I finally found a great job out of state, and was offered the position. Also located an amazing school district that seems to be a perfect match for his needs (and offers more options than the best private school here could, not that I can afford it.) Here's the problem: the marriage thing has come up again. I'm once again noticing that I'm being strung along, and this issue I keep bringing up is never resolved. And it's "my fault" and my wife "should be more important to me than sex". I was finally blunt enough to say, I worry that you're not actually trying to resolve anything and we'll just move and get a divorce. She didn't want to hear that and told me how troubling it was that I would think such a thing. All my fault. "If you're gonna divorce me, I wish you would just do it." (Seems to me like you'd say, let's work on it, I want our marriage to work, how can we resolve it?) So curveball: totally blindsided by a love interest outside of the marriage. I am really taken by the emotional articulation, sense of humor, and joy that new friend has. She just went through a divorce and has helpful in drawing out feelings from me. I'm crazy attracted to her (worst possible timing) but we've both vowed to not be physical unless I have moved out. She doesn't want to be second fiddle, and I don't blame her. Just his morning, my wife was a lot sweeter, gave me a hug, and sat me down to talk to me about schools. She's in favor of moving because she's thinks it's the best gift we could ever give our kids (mostly agree--healthy relationship would also be a gift). When she asked what I thought, I said Exactly what I told you 2 days ago. How is it going to be any different? She said, I'll go to counseling. When? I'll call today. (How am I supposed to know if this is actually an aha moment, or just more of the same?) Please, experienced ILIASM group: what the hell should I do here? I'm torn between the honest desire to take a great job and line my kids up with an amazing education which will change the course of their lives, and knowing that my marriage is likely going to crumble within a year. The new woman has totally opened my eyes to what love can be. (Not that I think the two of us will actually pan out as a couple, which would mean staying stuck in the same school situation). Would you move and prepare for chaos? I would hate to move, find a house, buy it, hen have to move us all out and have to buy 2 houses. Do I divorce here, and feel locally connected but kind of in the same rut with same school limitations? Seriously, any advice would be welcome. Not a lot of people in my life who could understand my situation right now. Thank you! @earthhorse. Just my 2 cents, but, I would move. I would also rent. Once you get settled in your new job, figure out your sm. At least your son will be in a better place literally and figuratively to deal with a split. |
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Post by lyn on Dec 29, 2016 1:02:36 GMT -5
Also, @earthhorse, welcome to the club! Sorry you're here  |
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Post by shamwow on Dec 29, 2016 9:21:21 GMT -5
Just my thoughts...
Relocation: Figure out what your son's needs are and do your best to meet them.
Marriage: Hope is a wonderful and terrible thing. It is what inspires us to be better than what we are and what keeps us stuck to things that should be let go of. If you are keeping in your marriage for hope's sake, I fear you will be sorely disappointed.
Housing: If you do relocate, I would advise you rent and don't get too attached to the house. If the marriage continues to go lukewarm / cold, it's better to have as few physical attachments to sort out as possible. As a matter of fact, just the act of moving is an opportunity to divest yourself of much "baggage" that won't have to be fought over later.
Love Life: This one, sadly, should take a back seat until you have a better handle on the other issues. An emotional affair or physical affair are both just going to screw you up mentally with all the other items you have floating around. Adding a new relationship to the mix may cause you to make some crappy decisions when you need to be thinking more from your head than your heart.
Like I said, just my 2 cents worth...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2016 12:21:00 GMT -5
Try to think about whether your life would be better or worse, too. I understand that your son is presently in a bad situation, and that this matters a lot to you.
If you do choose to accept the job offer and move -
1) How would you feel about the job change? In terms of your future career prospects, and in terms of your day-to-day life?
2) This place you would be moving to - other than lower prices, what does it have to offer that would be good for you? Some places are cheap to live in because nobody sane would want to live there.
I know you believe that your son's education would benefit from the move. So, if that is the ONLY good thing about the new location - keep in mind that you don't have to live there forever. If it really sucks, you can try to move somewhere else when he's finished with school.
3) Do NOT buy a house with your wife. In fact, don't even buy a car or a major appliance that's in both of your names. The worst thing about marriage is the way it gets two peoples' money all tangled up together.
4) The new woman - follow your own instincts here. I for one think outsourcing is justified if a refuser insists on monogamy. But if you have concerns that it might make things worse, listen to your concerns.
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Post by lyn on Dec 29, 2016 16:05:01 GMT -5
And smartkat, I have had to exercise considerable restraint and strength (earth horse! Woot!) not to jump new woman's bones, especially since she initially invited it. But my heart is telling me to stay on the friend side. She also officially drew a line in the sand for us: nothing physical until I file. Reading more about divorce claims being affected by infidelity, I don't want to give ammo to the enemy. I'm already in a full blown emotional affair--as in, crazily drawn to her--so I am being extra careful. Seriously, has anyone else fallen in deep, deep like (dont want to use the other "L" word yet) with someone while married? It's like suddenly breaking through the surface of a frozen lake. I'm alarmed at how affirming he experience had been, in my individual dignity. I can't believe how many levels I can connect with another human being! I think we're both a little terrified of the deep connection emerging. This forum has been insanely helpful to keep me grounded and not impulsively throwing all caution to the wind. As others have suggested, were both treating it as a reminder that there are like minded people ahead (further on down the path). This is probably not the timing for us. It could be the real deal @earthhorse, OR this earth-shattering connection could actually be more linked to a hormonal surge from finally having someone show you some sexual interest that you so deserve and that has been sorely lacking in your life. Personally I go through spells when I'm ready to jump just about anyone's bones that shows me any flattering interest - or just real kindness from especially the opposite sex. I'd be careful buddy of starting something with this woman now, and you may want to also consider possible financial ramifications to a divorce (alimony amount I'm thinking) if your salary were to double with the new job. I dunno, something else to add to the pile of things I'm sure you're thinking about! |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 29, 2016 19:29:21 GMT -5
@earthhorse, especially with the wide swing you expect in income ratios, you really need some expert legal advice - maybe one from each state. It might become very significant.
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