Oh my god, the saga. Everyone. Jeez.
W and I talked again tonight. First, she laid out a series of life choices I've made over the past ten years, painting a picture of me as someone who is erratic and never satisfied. I've dragged her through all these things, and she's had to readjust through all the life changes and career shifts. And now I'm demanding that she moves and also divorces, which is crazy. Oh, and she also found this message board and read everything I wrote. Then she accused me of wanting out of the marriage and saying she thought I was being manipulative.
So, big props to mediation. I was able to listen to her whole tirade without interrupting her or counter-arguing any of it. I then talked pretty eloquently, saying I do actually still love her and would hope it would still work out (didn't believe me). I had to say then how different it is to have feelings for a new person versus someone you've known for a long time; the newness and shininess of a new infatuation feels easier and more natural than someone you have known for awhile. THe reality is that side lady has her own drama, her own crazy situation (abusive ex), and it's not as if that would solve my problems. And that i am attracted to her, but can you really blame me for being attracted to someone after feeling rejected time and again?
Then, big props to Telecaster-i told her that there was a range of people on the board, and that some of them were pretty bitter, and for good reason: they've been in a SM much longer than I have been. They have no desire for their spouses (i still posit that my wife is hot, and i still honestly desire her sexually). I told her that she has expressed a desire to change (which also seems unusual). I shared Tele's story, of having two parents with BPD and how that affects boundaries and the feeling like you are always feeling manipulated and can't trust the person you're with.
Then, I reiterated that I saw two options: we either Option A: move to OH with a document that we both honor with short term and long term goals of how we want our marriage to change. It's going to be hard, brutal work. Still might not actually work. Or, Option B, we divorce and stay here. We have the same complaints that we currently have, but much worse off financially and in the same school district (that we are trying to get out of) with the same or longer commutes.
She was probably surprised that I told her I want option A. And she surprised me by saying that's what she wanted to.
We are both being a lot more up front than we ever have been. I said, "Even with this, it's going to be really difficult, and will feel like a lot of work. And the odds are against us. It's not likely that we'll get to where we want together." She told me that she was worried that the same cycle would just continue and that I would change my mind and want something different. I told her that I was worried things wouldn't change and I would just feel stuck in a sexless marriage a year from now. Neither of us can convince the other out of our fears, but somehow naming them and sharing them is more helpful and healthy than any pattern of communication we've had in a long time.
I stressed to her that I have acted in ways in the past that made her not trust me, and it wasn't as if meditation suddenly makes me a better person. But I was able to give concrete examples of where it had helped me this week. And i also told her that the old me would not have sat through her accusation of my "pattern of flightiness" without refuting each point and getting into an argument. Then, i complemented her on her communication, saying that i could see (given her background) why she would suspect me of being distrustful and assuming the worst of her. She admits that she is still a little bit afraid that she is being manipulated. Instead of trying to dissuade her, I just said "Thank you for telling me your fears." Just naming that is a really big step for her. Really, for us both.
SO i've been up and down since just before Christmas. Job offer, promise of new start. Then realization that I was being ignored. Then unexpected emotional affair. Then questioning the move. Then arguments. Talk of divorce. Now...pretty blunt conversation, in which we are both able to admit a desire for a successful marriage, while also recognizing that we still might not get there. Honestly...not sure I could ask for much more.
(except for a good roll in the hay. BUT, i did tell her that i was still crazy attracted to her and that my short list was going to include "give you an orgasm" on it. She laughed, but i'm serious.)
