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Post by RumRunner on Apr 21, 2016 22:36:29 GMT -5
Couples therapy is notorious for its lack of statistical success. I think the witch doctor boasts a higher success rate. I do agree with that!!!!! Who needs a therapist to tell YOU what you are doing wrong when it is your spouse that has the problem! pffft |
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Post by deborahmanning on Apr 21, 2016 22:39:28 GMT -5
"Notorious." That is weirdly reassuring to me since my STBX and I went through several rounds, and he was able to fool most of the clinicians for quite a while into thinking he was actually in therapy. I'm currently cheesed off at the whole profession, and any MD who refers patients toward therapy for emotional problems when he/ she cannot solve a patient's physical problem. Can you direct me to any site where these statistics could be found? Or are you speaking informally/ anecdotally?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 22:43:31 GMT -5
"Notorious." That is weirdly reassuring to me since my STBX and I went through several rounds, and he was able to fool most of the clinicians for quite a while into thinking he was actually in therapy. I'm currently cheesed off at the whole profession, and any MD who refers patients toward therapy for emotional problems when he/ she cannot solve a patient's physical problem. Can you direct me to any site where these statistics could be found? Or are you speaking informally/ anecdotally? I can't right off the cuff, but I'm sure you can find them. I think one or both of the Willard Harley's books listed them, but that book is a few years old now. |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 21, 2016 22:45:54 GMT -5
Couples therapy is notorious for its lack of statistical success. I think the witch doctor boasts a higher success rate. Do you know any good witch doctors? Do they have a society with credentials and everything where I could look them up? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 22:53:28 GMT -5
I've spoken to some. Math's not really their strong suit.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 22, 2016 22:38:11 GMT -5
I got reset last night. We went out in the city and had a nice date with dinner and wine and came back and then had sex before going to sleep. It was just a quickie, but it was good. (And we are now up to about 2 months of fortnightly sex, which is not outstanding but is a million times better than it was.)
Now I find it really disconcerting that I feel so different from how I felt this time yesterday. It is like all these hormones have kicked in or something and I don't think everything is great but I can't even remember why I was as upset as I was yesterday. And the part of my mind that thinks 'there is all this good stuff here, we have to be able to work it out' is trying to take over again. But I remember this happened 2 weeks ago pretty much exactly the same, and I guess in 24-48 hours I will be back to where I was. It is quite disturbing seeing how changeable my brain actually is!
Still I guess it is giving me some focus to take into the counselling. I think sex just tricks you into thinking you have a much more intimate relationship than you really do. If you feel lonely and isolated all the time in between resets, however regular they are, then there is still something fundamental missing.
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Post by JMX on Apr 22, 2016 22:52:02 GMT -5
If she'd never abandoned you sexually, you'd never have thought this long and hard about it. Even if there are underlying issues, regular sex would have kept your mind from wandering to the thoughts of intimacy. It's sad really. If they wanted to keep up the facade, they could have kept the physical up to keep us from thinking.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 22, 2016 22:56:59 GMT -5
If she'd never abandoned you sexually, you'd never have thought this long and hard about it. Even if there are underlying issues, regular sex would have kept your mind from wandering to the thoughts of intimacy. It's sad really. If they wanted to keep up the facade, they could have kept the physical up to keep us from thinking. I think you are right. After a decade of SM and a couple of years thinking a lot about it and trying to fix it, I am SO much more aware than I ever was of my own feelings and needs and responses. And I am probably way more demanding than I ever would have been before the process started. Also I think there is a level of trust in the relationship and in your partner that gets undermined. You no longer believe that if you love the other person enough everything will be OK and sooner or later they will realise what it is you need and be willing to do whatever they can to give it to you. |
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Post by JMX on Apr 22, 2016 22:58:20 GMT -5
Well, I guess we can thank them for clarity? Ha! Trying to find a silver lining.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 22, 2016 23:01:38 GMT -5
Well, I guess we can thank them for clarity? Ha! Trying to find a silver lining. Yeah, thank you for being my teacher. Please sir, can I have another? |
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Post by JMX on Apr 22, 2016 23:04:02 GMT -5
You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 22, 2016 23:04:44 GMT -5
You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat. I was going to say something deeply perverted there but probably shouldn't... |
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Post by JMX on Apr 22, 2016 23:06:02 GMT -5
You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat. I was going to say something deeply perverted there but probably shouldn't... Go for it. I already thought of many plays on that line and have decided I am too tired and not creative enough to "pull it off". What is wrong with me? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2016 11:31:20 GMT -5
We start counselling next week. Right now I am feeling very flat and uninspired about it but I am sure I can get up for it over the next few days. I think I am going to focus very hard on wanting more intimacy. We have actually had sex a few times recently (sorry Jason) but for me it is almost making things worse. It is like she goes from 'back the fuck off and keep away from me' and then we will maybe go out for dinner or a drink and have sex afterwards and then the walls slam back up. It is absolutely doing my head in. And it inspires no confidence at all that it won't just evaporate anyway the moment some trauma comes along or she doesn't feel inspired to make the effort any more. So I think some level of ongoing intimacy (not just sexual) is pretty much the bottom line for me. Who has been to couples counselling and any tips? Save your money for a divorce lawyer. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2016 11:40:52 GMT -5
We were in therapy for six months - going once a week. We only went a few more times after the "no traumatic events" thing. The therapist did his best, but just couldn't get my husband to open up and do the work necessary to change things. Thanks. I was hoping it might become clear whether this is going anywhere or not a bit sooner than that!  Is your wife 150% committed to making fundamental and permanent changes to herself and your relationship? This is like AA. There has to be nothing in this world more important than your sobriety. If she doesn't feel that way about fixing this...and if she has a different idea of what fixing it looks like...you don't need to wait six months to know nothing is going to change. |
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