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Post by unmatched on Apr 21, 2016 19:37:02 GMT -5
We start counselling next week. Right now I am feeling very flat and uninspired about it but I am sure I can get up for it over the next few days. I think I am going to focus very hard on wanting more intimacy. We have actually had sex a few times recently (sorry Jason) but for me it is almost making things worse. It is like she goes from 'back the fuck off and keep away from me' and then we will maybe go out for dinner or a drink and have sex afterwards and then the walls slam back up. It is absolutely doing my head in. And it inspires no confidence at all that it won't just evaporate anyway the moment some trauma comes along or she doesn't feel inspired to make the effort any more. So I think some level of ongoing intimacy (not just sexual) is pretty much the bottom line for me.
Who has been to couples counselling and any tips?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 19:48:19 GMT -5
I did it. Keep and open mind if you can.
I heard what I already knew and my wife claims to have heard the same thing. So, we were both confirmed in what we thought was going on and nothing changed.
But your wife may be different. You may be different.
After that experience, I came to the conclusion that either I am insane (not processing my senses or perceptions properly) or my wife is deliberately gaslighting me. That was probably 12-14 years ago, and I seem to process my surroundings successfully in all facets except as it pertains to my wife. This included running a business a long term affair partner.
Personally, I would never do it again. It seems to me that anyone honest enough to properly participate in properly executed counseling wouldn't need it. The rest do it under compulsion or as a means of manipulation.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 21, 2016 20:03:10 GMT -5
Personally, I would never do it again. It seems to me that anyone honest enough to properly participate in properly executed counseling wouldn't need it. The rest do it under compulsion or as a means of manipulation. I have wondered that too. But I guess if there is a lot of fear and habituated defence than being in a supportive, targeted environment could potentially be very helpful. |
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Post by JMX on Apr 21, 2016 20:57:07 GMT -5
Personally, I would never do it again. It seems to me that anyone honest enough to properly participate in properly executed counseling wouldn't need it. The rest do it under compulsion or as a means of manipulation. I have wondered that too. But I guess if there is a lot of fear and habituated defence than being in a supportive, targeted environment could potentially be very helpful. Damn, Creel - Your redacted response here is spot on! This one paragraph is so very true. Unmatched - what you are actually saying here - and I think you have said before that your wife was a therapist? You want someone on your side. You want her to see you through their eyes. I wanted that too. I think Creel expressed this well - I think she will placate you, but you do have to try! Good luck! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 21:14:46 GMT -5
Counseling didn't work for me and my STBX. He didn't want to be there and it showed - he never got below the very surface of anything. The stand-out moment for me was when the therapist (in an obvious attempt to get at why my husband wouldn't open up) asked him if there had ever been a traumatic event in his life when he was young. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then said no. My jaw hit the ground and I couldn't help from saying, "It wasn't traumatic when your grandfather blew his head off in the back yard when you were a little boy? Or two years later when your grandmother died in a fire that everyone suspects she set on purpose?" That was pretty much the moment when the therapist and I both knew we were wasting everyone's time. We went back a few more times, but it was pretty much over at that point. Nevertheless, I don't regret going - it was worth the attempt to save my marriage and it sure as heck clarified a few things for me.
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Post by JMX on Apr 21, 2016 21:22:41 GMT -5
Counseling didn't work for me and my STBX. He didn't want to be there and it showed - he never got below the very surface of anything. The stand-out moment for me was when the therapist (in an obvious attempt to get at why my husband wouldn't open up) asked him if there had ever been a traumatic event in his life when he was young. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then said no. My jaw hit the ground and I couldn't help from saying, "It wasn't traumatic when your grandfather blew his head off in the back yard when you were a little boy? Or two years later when your grandmother died in a fire that everyone suspects she set on purpose?" That was pretty much the moment when the therapist and I both knew we were wasting everyone's time. We went back a few more times, but it was pretty much over at that point. Nevertheless, I don't regret going - it was worth the attempt to save my marriage and it sure as heck clarified a few things for me. Mountainrunner - you are a beautiful, amaxing lady. My husband's abusive step-father also killed himself, on his front lawn, on top of a tarp so his buddies on the police force had an easier clean up. The stories they tell in that family... They chill me to the bone. Especially when they laugh it off like it is a joke. I have self-deprecating humor. The nervous laughing shared between my husband and my MIL with two other people who had no idea on how to handle a situation like that or how to react to their laughter - was telling about the family dynamic. They brush it off. No care in the world - although - you feel like you know they care about it and it is the only way they can handle it. |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 21, 2016 21:29:22 GMT -5
Counseling didn't work for me and my STBX. He didn't want to be there and it showed - he never got below the very surface of anything. The stand-out moment for me was when the therapist (in an obvious attempt to get at why my husband wouldn't open up) asked him if there had ever been a traumatic event in his life when he was young. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then said no. My jaw hit the ground and I couldn't help from saying, "It wasn't traumatic when your grandfather blew his head off in the back yard when you were a little boy? Or two years later when your grandmother died in a fire that everyone suspects she set on purpose?" That was pretty much the moment when the therapist and I both knew we were wasting everyone's time. We went back a few more times, but it was pretty much over at that point. Nevertheless, I don't regret going - it was worth the attempt to save my marriage and it sure as heck clarified a few things for me. How many times did you go before it was clear it just wasn't going to happen? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 21:37:07 GMT -5
Counseling didn't work for me and my STBX. Nevertheless, I don't regret going - it was worth the attempt to save my marriage and it sure as heck clarified a few things for me. How many times did you go before it was clear it just wasn't going to happen? We were in therapy for six months - going once a week. We only went a few more times after the "no traumatic events" thing. The therapist did his best, but just couldn't get my husband to open up and do the work necessary to change things. |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 21, 2016 21:42:02 GMT -5
How many times did you go before it was clear it just wasn't going to happen? We were in therapy for six months - going once a week. We only went a few more times after the "no traumatic events" thing. The therapist did his best, but just couldn't get my husband to open up and do the work necessary to change things. Thanks. I was hoping it might become clear whether this is going anywhere or not a bit sooner than that!  |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 21:56:42 GMT -5
Personally, I would never do it again. It seems to me that anyone honest enough to properly participate in properly executed counseling wouldn't need it. The rest do it under compulsion or as a means of manipulation. I have wondered that too. But I guess if there is a lot of fear and habituated defence than being in a supportive, targeted environment could potentially be very helpful. When you get started, ask the counselor what school of thought/philosophy they subscribe to. That should clue you into whether or not the sessions have any productive potential. Also, if you sense healthy open mindedness in your wife, don't screw the whole thing up by arguing with her -- there or afterwards -- ever. For me, this was/is very difficult. But if you're committed to taking it seriously, you owe it to yourself keep her engaged too. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 22:03:57 GMT -5
We were in therapy for six months - going once a week. We only went a few more times after the "no traumatic events" thing. The therapist did his best, but just couldn't get my husband to open up and do the work necessary to change things. Thanks. I was hoping it might become clear whether this is going anywhere or not a bit sooner than that! Unmatched, you're a sharp guy. If the therapist subscribes to some school of thought that makes no sense, you'll probably write it off before the first session is over. If your wife is not open to it, you should know that after the third session. |
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Post by deborahmanning on Apr 21, 2016 22:13:30 GMT -5
FWIW, the "School of Thought" question hasn't been quite as good a qualifier in my experience as it should be. The therapist gets to define the terms as he/she sees fit. Here is a quote from the professional website of the therapist my GP recommended:
"I would describe my current approach as a combination of cognitive-behavioral, systemic, and mindfulness based. I do, however, find a psychodynamic approach valuable for diagnostic assessment, and productive as a therapeutic tool when called for."
Which I read as, "I will say whatever the hell I want and hope it's helpful, because who's gonna call me on what school of thought any given utterance fits into?"
The other winner is "Eclectic." Some therapist's websites actually include this as a descriptor. What could be less descriptive?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 22:25:20 GMT -5
FWIW, the "School of Thought" question hasn't been quite as good a qualifier in my experience as it should be. The therapist gets to define the terms as he/she sees fit. Here is a quote from the professional website of the therapist my GP recommended: "I would describe my current approach as a combination of cognitive-behavioral, systemic, and mindfulness based. I do, however, find a psychodynamic approach valuable for diagnostic assessment, and productive as a therapeutic tool when called for." Which I read as, "I will say whatever the hell I want and hope it's helpful, because who's gonna call me on what school of thought any given utterance fits into?" D, those schools of thought are pretty well defined and you can look them up pretty quickly. In the case you listed, the "Cognitive-Behavioral" and the "Psychodynamic Approach" seem contradictory. I think you're correct in this case! |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 21, 2016 22:25:30 GMT -5
Thanks. I was hoping it might become clear whether this is going anywhere or not a bit sooner than that! Unmatched, you're a sharp guy. If the therapist subscribes to some school of thought that makes no sense, you'll probably write it off before the first session is over. If your wife is not open to it, you should know that after the third session. I think she will be OK. She is into Emotionally Focused Therapy which sounds good in theory but I don't really have a clue what it will look like in practice. But she also counselled another couple we know where the woman ended up leaving her refuser husband and still continued seeing her and thought she was very good. I think that is about as good a recommendation as I am likely to get. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 22:32:48 GMT -5
Couples therapy is notorious for its lack of statistical success. I think the witch doctor boasts a higher success rate.
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