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Post by sadkat on Nov 3, 2021 22:20:51 GMT -5
Found you through the Podcast, listened to it several times now. It is so nice to know you are not alone. It is time to move forward. My wife of 25 years was used for her voyeuristic stepfather's self pleasure for several years and that left her with issues around sex. I went into the marriage feeling bad for her, making excuses for the sexual hang ups and thinking that loving her would solve all the problems. You all know how that worked out. She has refused to see a counselor to get help to work through it, even though she acknowledges that she needs it. Her mom divorced him when W was 18 and he committed suicide about 5 years ago. Sex is rare, we can have a great weekend and then go for 3+ months with nothing but rejection. It is always on her terms and mechanical. Day to day physical affection of any kind from her is non-existent. Anger and unforgiveness is the norm for her. It is time to say this isn't ok, this isn't healthy and I am not going to endure this for another 25 years. I have started to see a counselor because I feel like I have been turned into an abused puppy who just cowers in the corner afraid to say the wrong thing that might set her off. I have to work on standing up for myself and calling her out. Wish me luck, I will need it. Seeing a therapist is a very good first step. If you follow the assignments given and focus on yourself, you will do very well. Good Luck!
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Post by skoola77 on Dec 9, 2021 11:44:38 GMT -5
Hello, I'm a 44 yr old female, and am at my wit's end about what to do. I do not want to start over, but do not want to live like this either!! I have been with my husband (2nd marriage for both of us) for almost 12 years. We have an 8 yr old daughter. He has never been overly affectionate, but did casually touch me occasionally for the first couple of years, until around the time we got married. For the past 9 yrs or so, we have slept in separate rooms due to his snoring. There has been no casual touch at all. I give him massages, scratch his back, or do something to show him affection every day. It is never reciprocated unless I ask him (maybe once a month) to play with my hair, then he does, but does not act like he wants to. We only ever have sex when I initiate it. I have a very high sex drive. I usually watch porn and masturbate/use toys so I don't have to "bother" him very often. I wait until I am really desperate for human contact/intimacy, then ask him to have sex. He usually does, but it only lasts like 60 seconds and it is over, and I am still unsatisfied. I feel humiliated and ashamed. I should not have to basically beg my husband to have sex with me. We only have sex usually every three months or so, and only if I initiate it. I have finally talked him into sleeping in the bed I do, but now I have to sleep on the couch 99% of the time because he snores so loud.
I don't want to seem ungrateful, I just want affection and to feel wanted. I do not think that is an unreasonable request. I have tried all sorts of things to spice things up. Nothing has worked. I have told him multiple times how I feel, but nothing ever changes. Any advice?? We are probably all in the same predicament, but maybe someone has an idea that I have not thought about.
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Post by isthisit on Dec 9, 2021 12:40:18 GMT -5
Hello, I'm a 44 yr old female, and am at my wit's end about what to do. I do not want to start over, but do not want to live like this either!! I have been with my husband (2nd marriage for both of us) for almost 12 years. We have an 8 yr old daughter. He has never been overly affectionate, but did casually touch me occasionally for the first couple of years, until around the time we got married. For the past 9 yrs or so, we have slept in separate rooms due to his snoring. There has been no casual touch at all. I give him massages, scratch his back, or do something to show him affection every day. It is never reciprocated unless I ask him (maybe once a month) to play with my hair, then he does, but does not act like he wants to. We only ever have sex when I initiate it. I have a very high sex drive. I usually watch porn and masturbate/use toys so I don't have to "bother" him very often. I wait until I am really desperate for human contact/intimacy, then ask him to have sex. He usually does, but it only lasts like 60 seconds and it is over, and I am still unsatisfied. I feel humiliated and ashamed. I should not have to basically beg my husband to have sex with me. We only have sex usually every three months or so, and only if I initiate it. I have finally talked him into sleeping in the bed I do, but now I have to sleep on the couch 99% of the time because he snores so loud. I don't want to seem ungrateful, I just want affection and to feel wanted. I do not think that is an unreasonable request. I have tried all sorts of things to spice things up. Nothing has worked. I have told him multiple times how I feel, but nothing ever changes. Any advice?? We are probably all in the same predicament, but maybe someone has an idea that I have not thought about. Welcome, and thank you for sharing your story, you are not alone at all, there are many women here who share your experience. It so a bit of a hidden phenomena in society. Men seem to be so much more willing to disclose that their wife declines intimacy, but it can feel impossible for women to do the same about their husband. There is an abundance of stories here from women who have shared their experiences, I hope you find something helpful for you. I know that discovering I was not alone was very powerful for me. So, just a reminder that sex, intimacy and affection are very reasonable expectations within a marriage. Check your marriage vows you’ll find them right there. You will receive lots of advice here about your options (stay and ensure; cheat; leave), seeing lawyer and also that you cannot change your husband, but you can change yourself. All of this is sound advice. But it can feel impossible to act. Particularly when you can identify much that is still good in the marriage and actually still have some kind of love (which may have changed over time in the face of refusal) for your husband. Many of us (men and women) have trodden this path, and can empathise with your confusion and despair. Put simply there are no magic answers I am sorry to say. Many stay which is right for some, many here cheat and maintain a happier home, and many leave to find an alternative happiness in and out of a relationship. (I am not aware of anyone who left and regretted it.) My advice is take your time, read extensively and percolate the knowledge and insights the stories here are likely to provoke. You are starting on your journey to acceptance or non acceptance. It’s powerful stuff so be kind to yourself with it.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 9, 2021 16:43:55 GMT -5
@skoola Welcome. I agree with Isthisit. Finding out I wasn't the only woman being refused sex was a great relief. I don't know of he just snores or has sleep apnea but if he hasn't sought out medical attention he should. Not getting enough sleep much less air can cause a lot of health and personality issues. I would also suggest if you want to sleep with him you might try a white noise maker and possibly ear plugs. Eargasams ( the irony is not lost on me) are good comfortable noise dampening ear plugs. The biggest issue I see with him, my ex and most refusing spouses is they don't seem to care how you feel. I would suggest counseling for yourself so you can decide what you really want to do as far as stay,leave etc. I know its your 2nd go round so you may not feel like starting over will help, but as you read you will see most that leave found happiness most that stay didn't find a cure they just are staying anyway. Best of luck to you. Hopefully he will go to the doctor. My friends husband has sleep apnea and his machine wasn't working properly and he turned into a complete also. Was also tired and depressed . Getting his machine fixed turned him around
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 9, 2021 19:38:57 GMT -5
We only ever have sex when I initiate it. ... it only lasts like 60 seconds and it is over, and I am still unsatisfied. ...We only have sex usually every three months or so, and only if I initiate it. ... I don't want to seem ungrateful, I just want affection and to feel wanted. I do not think that is an unreasonable request. I have tried all sorts of things to spice things up. Nothing has worked.... By lasting only 60 seconds, am I to assume that's because he climaxes and he figures that's the finish line? If he does agree to sex four times a year, might he do tribbing, manual, or oral sex? Sex where he's not stimulated could focus on an opportunity for him to provide a great gift to you. 20-30 minutes per month could pay great dividends, if he can tear himself away from his distractions for a spell. He can get his 60 seconds afterwards, if he likes that and you're so inclined. Have you thought of getting a "friend with benefits"? Might he agree to it? Both glad and sorry you're here. Members often recommend you copy your post to a thread all your own so you can get targeted attention to your situation.
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Post by baza on Dec 9, 2021 22:20:44 GMT -5
What Brother mirrororchid says about putting you story on the sexless marriage issues folder is sound. This "introduce yourself" is more like a chat room, very disjointed and practically impossible to follow. Comments get lost very easily. Anyway, welcome to the group Sister skoola77 . It reads like your spouse has never been greatly interested in marital sex, and this ain't something that came out of the blue, but rather has been this way from the get go. It's not as if this is a "new" behaviour for him. He seems to have been entirely consistent in his actions the whole time. Under those circumstances it is pretty difficult to see him radically changing his ways. This probably has nothing to do with you, and is not a reflection generally on your femininity or sexiness (which is probably quite 'normal' by ordinary standards) Sometimes, you're just with the wrong person. It's nobody's 'fault'. It is what it is.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 10, 2021 5:02:43 GMT -5
welcome to the forum skoola. Your story reads like a classic ILIASM situation. that being the case unfortunately, that means the odds are against you. but things may not be insurmountable. one thing you don't address is the possibility of medical conditions being the cause of some of the problem. his testosterone may be low. testosterone is the fuel that drives libido in a male, and if there isn't much fuel then the libido engine won't be running very well. other medicall conditions can also coontribute to low desire. my suggestioin is to heve him see his doctor and get a through evalation of the factors that can deminish his physical desire for you. eliminating medical issues would be the 1st order of business to try and turn things around. if he won't see his doctor that says something else about the marriage and his feelings toward you. as for the snoring that sounds like apnea. apnea can be a big contributor toward deminished desire. if he isn't getting quality sleep then he will be physicaally and mentaslly tired and even possibly depressed after a time due to lack of rest. an overnight sleep evaluation will tell you if apnea is present and if a CPAP is needed. a CPAP will also stop the snoring. address possible medical conditions 1st and then if necessary go on to other possible reasons he isn't as randy as a 40 yr old male should be.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 11, 2021 2:52:57 GMT -5
Welcome, skoola77. Yes. We are all in the same predicament, or, at least we were when we got here. Advice? Read a bit. Our struggles are documented here. If you want the Cliff's Notes version of what you will learn, we can give you that, too.
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creep
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by creep on Dec 15, 2021 21:45:21 GMT -5
Hey y’all. My name is creep. I have been creeping around here since 2017, but had to go dark for personal concerns. PS @skoola - I was in an SM for over a decade. Due to the sins of my father, I could not bear to get physical outside the marriage, but I don’t fault anyone who does in such an unacceptably difficult sitchy-ation. What I found incredibly useful was to sneak across town and flirt with all manner of members of the opposite sex. Eye contact (they say the eyes are windows to the soul). Smiles. Laughter. Mystery. Sexual tension, without dirty talk. Or maybe innuendo if it feels right. Nobody takes anybody home = nobody gets hurt. I divorced about 18 mo ago. In the past 2+ years, I have found this manner of no-obligation flirting to be substantially more fulfilling than post-SM relationship sex and post-SM 1 night stands combined! For me it has provided maximum fulfillment at minimal risk. Go be the superstar of your own romantic comedy and don’t invite hubs to the casting call. You literally can’t go wrong.
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 16, 2021 6:47:46 GMT -5
Hey y’all. My name is creep . I have been creeping around here since 2017, but had to go dark for personal concerns. PS @skoola - I was in an SM for over a decade. Due to the sins of my father, I could not bear to get physical outside the marriage, but I don’t fault anyone who does in such an unacceptably difficult sitchy-ation. What I found incredibly useful was to sneak across town and flirt with all manner of members of the opposite sex. Eye contact (they say the eyes are windows to the soul). Smiles. Laughter. Mystery. Sexual tension, without dirty talk. Or maybe innuendo if it feels right. Nobody takes anybody home = nobody gets hurt. I divorced about 18 mo ago. In the past 2+ years, I have found this manner of no-obligation flirting to be substantially more fulfilling than post-SM relationship sex and post-SM 1 night stands combined! For me it has provided maximum fulfillment at minimal risk. Go be the superstar of your own romantic comedy and don’t invite hubs to the casting call. You literally can’t go wrong. Welcome into the light from the dark, Creep. Especially since you're no longer LIASM and are posting anyway. It's so uplifting to hear from members in opposite-land, though you seem content to only go halfway there; often sexless, but by choice and able to change your mind anytime you like. Freedom makes such a difference.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 16, 2021 8:59:32 GMT -5
welcome to the forum creep,....your approach to romantic interactions with the opposite sex is a unique one. I definitely would not choose it for myself but I'll jusr compliment you for finding a viable outlet for your intimacy needs. Whatever makes your boat float I guess.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 16, 2021 9:51:10 GMT -5
creep, welcome back to the forum. Congratulations on ending your sexless marriage situation and finding your happiness.
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Post by suzieq60 on Dec 18, 2021 15:06:04 GMT -5
Hello everyone. Where to start... well, been married for 20 years and together for 21 years. Our sex life was great for several years and then started slowly he acted like he just wasn't interested in me anymore. I asked questions to why, all he would say everything is fine, so I left it at that. During that time I felt unwanted and thought the worse, thought he was stepping into a affair. Well, later I caught him watching porn and pleasuring himself. I was so upset, I was in bed so why didn't he come to me instead. I felt terrible and thinking he didn't want me. Over time, our sex life was didn't exist. I would try to initiate and he would just turn his back to me. This turned to days then weeks then months then years. 5 years of feeling worthless I just didn't understand why. Finally after catching him watching so much porn and the nasty and disgusting kind, I asked him why he didn't even try anymore with me, he told me that the type of porn he enjoyed watching he didn't want to associate it with me. So, that made me feel worse than ever. What was I to think.. porn was better than me.so, years went by and then I noticed ED was effecting him. He finally saw a Dr and only safe way was Trimix injections. So, he buys it last year and only have used it twice. Now, he just won't even talk it. So, we have no sex life at all. Our marriage is strong but lacking anything sexual. I miss the closeness we had. I am just so lost on this situation between us. Later, I found out that he was chatting with over 1000 women, about his sexual fantasies and even met up with hookers. He said only 4 he met up with and 1 even gave him his money back cuz ED and with the other 3, he wasn't able to engage in anything sexual. I told him no more porn or anything pertaining to sex, he wasn't to watch. I know he switch our browser to Duckduck Go, so I have no way of knowing if he is still watching anything sexual. I am just so lost and don't know what else to do.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 18, 2021 17:42:28 GMT -5
Welcome, suzieq60. I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. Your H has a pretty heavy porn addiction. If you think he is hiding his usage, you are absolutely right. I think you know that, deep down. His porn usage might have started with ED issues years ago. With ED, it's iffy whether a man can maintain an erection with a woman, but, with porn he only need have it long enough to toss off. Then, the neuron paths get reinforced. Click-reward, click reward. His online harem becomes his reality. It's really hard to overcome that, and that won't happen unless he really wants to change. Do you think he wants to change? So, you need to figure out your options. You can't change him. You can only change your choices. They might not be ideal. But, I encourage you to seek your happiness. It's out there, somewhere.
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Post by Handy on Dec 19, 2021 1:07:44 GMT -5
Suzieq60, welcome to the forum. I am assuming that you are looking for answers and solutions. It had been my experience from reading, ED causes some men to look for variety in the porn area to get an erection. Some men look at radical stuff they would never do with a wife for fear of being judged a pervert. Also, the variety/number of women in porn videos is sometimes necessary to get off and he doesn't have to worry about an erection required like in real person to person sex. Your H might / most likely can orgasm without an erection if mentally and physically stimulated enough by what he watches. Many men still want an orgasm even though they do not get erections. It is like liking potato-chips and trying to be on a diet. The sex drive is there even when the equipment doesn't work.
The 1000 women is another issue, but I do not have any advice. I am guessing many of the 1000 women were Internet scammers just looking for money and maybe many were men posing as women. One African country is noted for being a scam capital.
My advice is what do you want out of life from here on out. It is very difficult to control other people and that leaves what do you want without his participation.
Start a thread in the "Sexless Marriage Issues" so all of your posts are on one thread. This introduction area gets lots of new people and it is difficult to keep people's situations organized.
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