lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Sept 13, 2021 6:39:54 GMT -5
Thanks, worksforme2. Sound advice, and one route we have not yet explored.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 13, 2021 16:14:35 GMT -5
lanie I agree with worksforme2 about having him check with his medical provider. Sometimes people don't want to try because they are afraid they will fail. I would also snoop or ask if he is abusing porn. What worries me the most is he doesn't care enough about the relationship to try or at least give you some decent answers. He should care how you feel... And answering thank you to I love you is a slap in the face. When I got to the point I was no longer in love I struggled with it when he told me he loved me or missed me. I had to do some inner soul searching to come to the conclusion I still loved him I just wasn't in love with him. That's how I made peace with that. I know you don't want to give up but once you explore all the possibilities and ways to fix it. Remember you deserve to be loved and happy. And we aren't getting any younger I'm 56 didn't get out of my marriage until I was 52. I regret the time I wasted. My mind still feels young but my body reminds me all to often that it's wearing out. We went hiking yesterday and we are both walking like we are crippled now. ( Feet issues) no serious health issues but still sometimes our sprit is willing but the body just can't.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Sept 14, 2021 7:24:56 GMT -5
Thanks Angeleyes. I think medical could be part of it, and it's definitely worth checking out. That age thing does really creep up on us, I can totally relate to that. I was doing some remembering about what he was like in the beginning, and i remember i had fallen in love with the person he was before sex ever came into the equation, specifically because I was marriage =minded. So that makes me stop and look to see if I can still see any glimpses of that guy I fell in love with then.
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coffeeachiever
New Member
58 month dry spell broken in December 2021 and back to great relationship
Posts: 18
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Post by coffeeachiever on Sept 26, 2021 22:28:51 GMT -5
Hi. This is a big deal for me, I was NEVER going to share this frustration but I don't feel like I can take it anymore. I love my wife, I have been with her for 13 years this November. I "ran into her" as an old friend and the best friend of an old girlfriend during a divorce after my first wife cheated. It felt like we were meant for each other...sort of still does but getting more difficult to find peace in that. In short, we have been together ONCE in the past 4.5 years (February 2017 began the "dry spell" and we were together on the night of a Buckeyes game in 2019). I THOUGHT we had a good thing and she SEEMED to be happy with it and I definitely was. She was diagnosed with CML January 2017, went on the chemo pills for it and we were done with sex. Not 100% sure that Tasigna is to blame but the correlation is pretty damn strong. I am ALWAYS attracted to her - nearly 100% of the time, except when the resentment kicks in. She is unhappy with herself because of weight gain...which occurred over time BEFORE the CML was diagnosed. She tells me she loves me...and seems to mean it...we say it every day. But...even the brief hugs or peck kisses seem to be all she wants...and often it seems like she doesn't even have time for the long affectionate hugs she got me so addicted to when we were dating. I don't want somebody else. I've brought it up trying to understand, but in those conversations, I've heard "it's embarrassing" then next time " I can't explain it", and other non-answers. I don't pressure for sex - I don't want it if she doesn't want me - what's the point if it's not completely mutual? She has the job that pays our bills - I left mine when I moved 9hrs away to marry her and never got back on my feet. It works because we have 2 kids and I'm here for them all the time. But NOW...she is even losing weight...both of us are getting in shape. She looks EVEN better and I CAN'T STAND IT! I feel like I'm attractive enough and she tells me I am and even gooses me once in a while and loves it when I shriek -but WTF is THAT? It only kills my spirit when I know for a certainty that it isn't going ANYWHERE!!!! When we watch a show, like we did just before I wrote this - and the characters are in love and getting frisky - it just makes me sad and withdrawn. I talk to myself...sort of muttering sometimes...when I leave the room she's in and I'm full of frustration. I yell if she is not in the house (when the kids are in school). I have no interest in anything outside the marriage, but I AM desperate to be wanted and desired by my own wife. She is THE love of my life, but this situation is apparently not important enough to talk about and there is NO END in sight. If her feelings change when she reaches her "target weight"....I will be PISSED if that makes her want me again. This is killing me. I just need to vent to strangers I think. There isn't anyone I care to tell among my closest friends - because I'm trying to respect my wife's apparent wishes to simply NOT address it. This is all I got.
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Post by baza on Sept 26, 2021 23:14:14 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Brother coffeeachiever . You'll find plenty to read in here, and you'll find bits and pieces in assorted stories in here that run similar to yours. Suggest you take the pressure off - as far as possible - for the moment, and just try and find your feet in this group.
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Post by jerri on Sept 27, 2021 2:46:36 GMT -5
New comers welcome Ouch coffeeachiever welcome. Yikers, leukemia a built in excuse even though the R was sexless before. What about a book sitting on a nightstand. Maybe a sexless M video. My husband seemed to ignore the books or maybe didn't look. He didn't ignore the video and I brought out the video way too late. You haven't talked at all? Maybe a therapist? Many families have a no-talk-about-sex rule.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 27, 2021 4:34:37 GMT -5
... I love my wife, I have been with her for 13 ... together ONCE in the past 4.5 years...SEEMED to be happy with it and I definitely was. She was diagnosed with CML January 2017, went on the chemo pills for it and we were done with sex. ... I am ALWAYS attracted to her ... She is unhappy with herself because of weight gain...which occurred over time BEFORE the CML was diagnosed. She tells me she loves me...and seems to mean it...we say it every day. But...even the brief hugs or peck kisses seem to be all she wants...and often it seems like she doesn't even have time for the long affectionate hugs she got me so addicted to when we were dating. I don't want somebody else. ... I don't pressure for sex - I don't want it if she doesn't want me - what's the point if it's not completely mutual? She has the job that pays our bills - I left mine when I moved 9 hrs away to marry her and never got back on my feet. It works because we have 2 kids and I'm here for them all the time. But NOW...she is even losing weight...both of us are getting in shape. She looks EVEN better and I CAN'T STAND IT! I feel like I'm attractive enough and she tells me I am and even gooses me once in a while ... It only kills my spirit when I know for a certainty that it isn't going ANYWHERE!!!! When we watch a show, like we did just before I wrote this - and the characters are in love and getting frisky - it just makes me sad and withdrawn. ... I have no interest in anything outside the marriage, but I AM desperate to be wanted and desired by my own wife. ... there is NO END in sight. If her feelings change when she reaches her "target weight"....I will be PISSED if that makes her want me again. ... There isn't anyone I care to tell among my closest friends - because I'm trying to respect my wife's apparent wishes to simply NOT address it. Usually Baza suggests this. My turn, I guess. Can we suggest you copy this post to one of the other forums such as "Choosing to Stay" or "SM (Sexless Marriage) Issues"? "Choosing to Stay" avoids much discussion of divorce if that makes you more comfortable. "SM Issues" will offer the same advice from ILIASM members, but won't tiptoe around the option. Given your passionate insistence that only your wife is an option, we have several members who were long haulers going over a decade without. One of them, Handy , has stayed married despite no marital relations. He's not ruled out "outsourcing", but he doesn't actively pursue it. Maybe look out for his posts and he'll chime in with coping mechanisms from his early days of his SM. You'll be PISSED if you get intimacy back after she reaches her "target weight"? Why? Supposedly body image issues are a big obstacle for a lot of refuser wives. It commonly doesn't matter if you don't care. She might. Self-confidence is critical for some reason. Maybe hair falling out from chemo triggered it? The weight was a downer before which didn't matter, until it did? The flirting/goosing would be a harbinger I would think. Her brain is getting sexy and supposedly, that's the first step. One thing that I'm pleased I tried was giving my wife either a firm, hand on back of neck, kiss when she left for work. Or a linger-too-long soft one. Lover kisses. If she's going to work, there's clearly no intent of making a move on her. This got her asking herself questions to herself and more aware of how little passion we had. 'Great kisses, but no sex? What's wrong with us?' That kind of thing. This would annoy refusers who are only using their spouses for economic support or fear of solitude, but your wife is reaching out... to your butt. Again, if you copy your post to another forum, feel free to answer my questions (or ignore them) over there. Here's a thread about your tv time: iliasm.org/thread/4998/awkward-sceneThere's another like it that I can't seem to find. If you like this one, I'll dig some.
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coffeeachiever
New Member
58 month dry spell broken in December 2021 and back to great relationship
Posts: 18
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Post by coffeeachiever on Sept 27, 2021 8:57:16 GMT -5
I agree with mirrororchid Intimacy is not a destination. It’s a journey. Flirt back. 😉 I appreciate ALL of the feedback I just got from several of you. Padgemi - I couldn't fit all of the obstacles I'm running into in my first paragraph. But - it's important to know that I do flirt and compliment her. I put my hand on her back...sometimes the small of her back. Kiss her a little harder when I'm saying goodbye, go for another kiss...sometimes 3 or 4. She smiles...thinks it's funny. She just isn't into it. I tell her how hot she looks and she says "now you're just making me self-conscious". Getting ready in the morning I have to try not to look at her in the shower. We talk about EVERYTHING else...all the time. But this topic - I bring it up 2 or 3 times a year and it goes nowhere. It almost feels like I'm being punished because she's RIGHT there in front of me...my own wife!!!!! And I can't have her. I hate it. Thank you for listening. I was about to post this to a better suggested topic as someone else pointed out - but I fell asleep reading posts here. Thanks again. I hope I can be of some help to someone at some point later on.
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Post by deadzone75 on Sept 27, 2021 15:54:23 GMT -5
I agree with mirrororchid Intimacy is not a destination. It’s a journey. Flirt back. 😉 I appreciate ALL of the feedback I just got from several of you. Padgemi - I couldn't fit all of the obstacles I'm running into in my first paragraph. But - it's important to know that I do flirt and compliment her. I put my hand on her back...sometimes the small of her back. Kiss her a little harder when I'm saying goodbye, go for another kiss...sometimes 3 or 4. She smiles...thinks it's funny. She just isn't into it. I tell her how hot she looks and she says "now you're just making me self-conscious". Getting ready in the morning I have to try not to look at her in the shower. We talk about EVERYTHING else...all the time. But this topic - I bring it up 2 or 3 times a year and it goes nowhere. It almost feels like I'm being punished because she's RIGHT there in front of me...my own wife!!!!! And I can't have her. I hate it. Thank you for listening. I was about to post this to a better suggested topic as someone else pointed out - but I fell asleep reading posts here. Thanks again. I hope I can be of some help to someone at some point later on. Welcome to the group, Coffee. Ahhh yes, the nervous laugh. This was something that would send me into an internal fury. An attempt at intimacy met with a laugh which was in no way an expression of amusement, but rather one that indicated that she just wanted me to stop...just go away and forget all about that cumbersome sex stuff. Eventually, I did just that.
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Post by frustratedcam on Oct 23, 2021 15:04:23 GMT -5
I found this sight the other day, and it has given me new hope and energy. I could spend hours right now blaming my refusing w. for all of the abuse she has heaped on me, but venting about that would be counterproductive and wouldn't change the main point that I have accepted the abuse, and stubbornly done more and more to try to make her change, neglecting myself and wallowing in self-pity. Needless to say, like everyone in this forum, I am sex-starved, and fed up with being sex-starved, and my significant other is starving me. Opening it up is not an option that she will accept, leaving is not an option I am yet prepared to take (I hope though this forum may in time find me that courage), so instead of worrying about why she won't have sex with me (which I have been doing), I intend to work on me, and maybe just maybe emancipate myself by being grateful for what I do have, instead of wallowing and pining for what is not there.
But dammit, I could really use a good romp right about now.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 23, 2021 19:11:59 GMT -5
I found this sight the other day, and it has given me new hope and energy. I could spend hours right now blaming my refusing w. for all of the abuse she has heaped on me, but venting about that would be counterproductive and wouldn't change the main point that I have accepted the abuse, and stubbornly done more and more to try to make her change, neglecting myself and wallowing in self-pity. Needless to say, like everyone in this forum, I am sex-starved, and fed up with being sex-starved, and my significant other is starving me. Opening it up is not an option that she will accept, leaving is not an option I am yet prepared to take (I hope though this forum may in time find me that courage), so instead of worrying about why she won't have sex with me (which I have been doing), I intend to work on me, and maybe just maybe emancipate myself by being grateful for what I do have, instead of wallowing and pining for what is not there. But dammit, I could really use a good romp right about now. Welcome frustratedcam. You have decided on a good first step- focusing on you. As they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 24, 2021 3:11:07 GMT -5
welcome to the forum frustratedcam....I'm glad you found this forum and that it has already been of some help for you. Keep reading and participating. If nothing else sometimes just talking out about the frustration can help. But this site is way more than than just venting frustrations. Like you I initially allowed my then W to control the intimacy and sex in the marriage. And after numerous "talks" I finally ask her to allow me to have a FWB. She said no but reinitiated intimacy for about 3 months, and then returned to refusing. So I decided to open the marriage without her consent. We eventually separated and divorced but if I hadn't made that decision I would probable still be in a SM. She has refused your physical love for years. You do not owe her your obedience. If she doesn't like the idea of you being intimate with someone else she can return to being a loving and affectionate wife or she can leave. Those are the options you should be giving her.
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Post by movingforward on Oct 26, 2021 23:42:51 GMT -5
Found you through the Podcast, listened to it several times now. It is so nice to know you are not alone. It is time to move forward. My wife of 25 years was used for her voyeuristic stepfather's self pleasure for several years and that left her with issues around sex. I went into the marriage feeling bad for her, making excuses for the sexual hang ups and thinking that loving her would solve all the problems. You all know how that worked out. She has refused to see a counselor to get help to work through it, even though she acknowledges that she needs it. Her mom divorced him when W was 18 and he committed suicide about 5 years ago. Sex is rare, we can have a great weekend and then go for 3+ months with nothing but rejection. It is always on her terms and mechanical. Day to day physical affection of any kind from her is non-existent. Anger and unforgiveness is the norm for her. It is time to say this isn't ok, this isn't healthy and I am not going to endure this for another 25 years. I have started to see a counselor because I feel like I have been turned into an abused puppy who just cowers in the corner afraid to say the wrong thing that might set her off. I have to work on standing up for myself and calling her out. Wish me luck, I will need it.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 27, 2021 18:43:03 GMT -5
Found you through the Podcast, listened to it several times now. It is so nice to know you are not alone. It is time to move forward. My wife of 25 years was used for her voyeuristic stepfather's self pleasure for several years and that left her with issues around sex. I went into the marriage feeling bad for her, making excuses for the sexual hang ups and thinking that loving her would solve all the problems. You all know how that worked out. She has refused to see a counselor to get help to work through it, even though she acknowledges that she needs it. Her mom divorced him when W was 18 and he committed suicide about 5 years ago. Sex is rare, we can have a great weekend and then go for 3+ months with nothing but rejection. It is always on her terms and mechanical. Day to day physical affection of any kind from her is non-existent. Anger and unforgiveness is the norm for her. It is time to say this isn't ok, this isn't healthy and I am not going to endure this for another 25 years. I have started to see a counselor because I feel like I have been turned into an abused puppy who just cowers in the corner afraid to say the wrong thing that might set her off. I have to work on standing up for myself and calling her out. Wish me luck, I will need it. Greetings, movingforward ! I'm tickled pink to hear you enjoyed the podcast. I have a few dozen more episodes planned. Just need the time to write and record them. As promised on the podcast, here at ILIASM, I strongly suspect you'll find lots of help deciding what to do to extract yourself from your current unhappy plight. Welcome! ...and, sorry you're here.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 28, 2021 19:25:46 GMT -5
movingforward frustratedcam welcome to the forum. There is a matching situation for every scenario it seems. Just knowing I wasn't alone was a big help.
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