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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 29, 2020 10:42:06 GMT -5
Hi all. Im newbie. Nice to be a part of this community! Welcome to the forum mirandasd,....Read and feed on the valuable experiences to be found here. Take what you need and leave the rest. By and large this is a non-judgmental group, but you may get some "tough" love at times. Take it that it's intent is aimed at your best interest. When/if you are ready post your history on the SM site or where ever you think best fits your tale.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 30, 2020 7:41:26 GMT -5
Hello. I'm (F50's) in a celibate marriage. I started in this form many years ago, and then found Reddit's DB. This resource was recommended to me after that sub no longer became a safe place for me to learn, to support others, and receive support. Thank you for your patience as I orient myself. OMG, Omj. I'm glad you rejoined us then. As near as I can tell ILIASM is as safe as it was when you left, so welcome back. Looks like you're a new member, or maybe you had a different name the first time. As worksforme2 said, I hope we can hear a bit about that journey that you're owning, when you feel comfortable to share.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 30, 2020 9:35:03 GMT -5
Hello. I'm (F50's) in a celibate marriage. I started in this form many years ago, and then found Reddit's DB. This resource was recommended to me after that sub no longer became a safe place for me to learn, to support others, and receive support. Thank you for your patience as I orient myself. OMG, Omj. I'm glad you rejoined us then. As near as I can tell ILIASM is as safe as it was when you left, so welcome back. Looks like you're a new member, or maybe you had a different name the first time. As worksforme2 said, I hope we can hear a bit about that journey that you're owning, when you feel comfortable to share. Owningmy journey is talking about the ILIASM site at Experience Project
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Post by sylvester on Aug 31, 2020 13:34:26 GMT -5
Hello. I’m upper 50’s, great job/career. I make good money in a high profile position. Great shape. I stay healthy. I am clean. I know I have a good personality...I check all the boxes. My refusing wife and I are on appearance the all American couple. Fun loving, always laughing. She is a great person. But wants NOTHING of me physically. For years.
But I took the vow. I have kids. I can’t rock their worlds. I’ve seen my wife’s journal. Where she admits I am not her soul mate. Where there are things she can’t tell me. I confronted her. Asked if we could get counseling. Nothing.
I’ve just decided to exist. We sleep in separate bedrooms like there is nothing wrong with it. No sex. None.
I hate to think I am done with intimacy.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 1, 2020 21:21:03 GMT -5
Welcome Sylvester! Looking forward to your sharing more about your experiences-or lack thereof.😔
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 1, 2020 22:23:31 GMT -5
Welcome! Everybody has to decide for themselves if it's bad enough to start over. Some things to think about. Would you want your kids to stay in a relationship like yours because they took vows? Are her needs being met? If so it's no longer 50/50. I will also say don't let your age stop you from claiming a better life. Outsourcing is also an option. I personally couldn't commit to no intimacy for the rest of my life. That being said I stayed until my kids were out. Never too late!
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Post by baza on Sept 1, 2020 23:28:59 GMT -5
Hello. I’m upper 50’s, great job/career. I make good money in a high profile position. Great shape. I stay healthy. I am clean. I know I have a good personality...I check all the boxes. My refusing wife and I are on appearance the all American couple. Fun loving, always laughing. She is a great person. But wants NOTHING of me physically. For years. But I took the vow. I have kids. I can’t rock their worlds. I’ve seen my wife’s journal. Where she admits I am not her soul mate. Where there are things she can’t tell me. I confronted her. Asked if we could get counseling. Nothing. I’ve just decided to exist. We sleep in separate bedrooms like there is nothing wrong with it. No sex. None. I hate to think I am done with intimacy. In some other of your recent posts Brothjer sylvester , you mention having been on EP, so I am figuring this ain't your first rodeo and there'll be nothing in this group that you haven't seen before. There haven't been any "new" options since your EP days. Suggestion. For whatever reasons you like, you are staying. Under those circumstances it would be smart to cease taking your missus' inventory, stop engaging in point scoring (as in that social environment you mention elsewhere) and halt looking at her journal. It ain't your missus *fault* that you are staying. You are staying of your own free will and choice. If you take ownership of that choice, you move from "victim" to "owner" and from that position the way forward may be clearer.
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Post by sylvester on Sept 2, 2020 20:20:59 GMT -5
Hello. I’m upper 50’s, great job/career. I make good money in a high profile position. Great shape. I stay healthy. I am clean. I know I have a good personality...I check all the boxes. My refusing wife and I are on appearance the all American couple. Fun loving, always laughing. She is a great person. But wants NOTHING of me physically. For years. But I took the vow. I have kids. I can’t rock their worlds. I’ve seen my wife’s journal. Where she admits I am not her soul mate. Where there are things she can’t tell me. I confronted her. Asked if we could get counseling. Nothing. I’ve just decided to exist. We sleep in separate bedrooms like there is nothing wrong with it. No sex. None. I hate to think I am done with intimacy. Welcome sylvesterDid your wife also take the vow, and if so, when is the last time you two have discussed the vow and whether you are both honoring it? What vow? Marriage?
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Post by sylvester on Sept 2, 2020 20:22:08 GMT -5
Hello. I’m upper 50’s, great job/career. I make good money in a high profile position. Great shape. I stay healthy. I am clean. I know I have a good personality...I check all the boxes. My refusing wife and I are on appearance the all American couple. Fun loving, always laughing. She is a great person. But wants NOTHING of me physically. For years. But I took the vow. I have kids. I can’t rock their worlds. I’ve seen my wife’s journal. Where she admits I am not her soul mate. Where there are things she can’t tell me. I confronted her. Asked if we could get counseling. Nothing. I’ve just decided to exist. We sleep in separate bedrooms like there is nothing wrong with it. No sex. None. I hate to think I am done with intimacy. In some other of your recent posts Brothjer sylvester , you mention having been on EP, so I am figuring this ain't your first rodeo and there'll be nothing in this group that you haven't seen before. There haven't been any "new" options since your EP days. Suggestion. For whatever reasons you like, you are staying. Under those circumstances it would be smart to cease taking your missus' inventory, stop engaging in point scoring (as in that social environment you mention elsewhere) and halt looking at her journal. It ain't your missus *fault* that you are staying. You are staying of your own free will and choice. If you take ownership of that choice, you move from "victim" to "owner" and from that position the way forward may be clearer. Good advice
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Post by sylvester on Sept 4, 2020 14:36:33 GMT -5
You mentioned taking a vow. Did she take the same one? Did you get it in writing? What exactly did y’all vow to do? The marriage vows. Sorry if I wasn’t clear.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 19, 2020 22:56:27 GMT -5
You mentioned taking a vow. Did she take the same one? Did you get it in writing? What exactly did y’all vow to do? The marriage vows. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. Don't forget she took vows, too. "To have and to hold" is poetic language for sexual intimacy. If sex is not happening she is violating her marriage vows.
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Hazel
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by Hazel on Sept 21, 2020 20:55:26 GMT -5
Wow, hi. I had no idea this existed and I’m weirdly looking forward to Interacting with people who “Get it”, because no one around me does. I’m actually tearing up at just the idea that there are people I can connect with that understand. 😭
We were virgins when we got married. I thought this would be so good that we could grow together with no external expectations...you know...except that we would actually have sex; that my husband would be attracted to me.. My husband is not just “low drive”-he’s totally disinterested. I can't turn him on for anything. He hates when I initiate and makes sure I know it when he finally obliges.
I feel exceptionally worthless and ugly and unattractive and entirely unwanted. We have no connection in our marriage; never did. It was all a facade leading up and I really have no way to exit due to our beliefs (I don’t need any judgement on that).
My twenties have been entirely wasted on him and I’m fearful that this is the life I’m stuck with..forever..until one of us dies. I often want to die. It sucks being rejected in ALL ways by the person you love, who doesn’t love you back.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 21, 2020 21:04:09 GMT -5
Wow, hi. I had no idea this existed and I’m weirdly looking forward to Interacting with people who “Get it”, because no one around me does. I’m actually tearing up at just the idea that there are people I can connect with that understand. 😭 We were virgins when we got married. I thought this would be so good that we could grow together with no external expectations...you know...except that we would actually have sex; that my husband would be attracted to me.. My husband is not just “low drive”-he’s totally disinterested. I can't turn him on for anything. He hates when I initiate and makes sure I know it when he finally obliges. I feel exceptionally worthless and ugly and unattractive and entirely unwanted. We have no connection in our marriage; never did. It was all a facade leading up and I really have no way to exit due to our beliefs (I don’t need any judgement on that). My twenties have been entirely wasted on him and I’m fearful that this is the life I’m stuck with..forever..until one of us dies. I often want to die. It sucks being rejected in ALL ways by the person you love, who doesn’t love you back. M'lady. I suspect you're about to discover a gold mine. Judge you? Not hardly. Not around here. Welcome. Please explore, and ask questions.
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Hazel
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by Hazel on Sept 21, 2020 21:11:12 GMT -5
Hi everyone, I was a virgin on my wedding night (and stayed a virgin through most of the honeymoon, depending on what counts). It will be 21 years of the cycle this month: no sex for a couple months, I have a tantrum and issue threats, and then he obliges. He promises things will get better. I insist that he still has an obligation to take care of my needs even if he can't/won't perform. I swear. I am fucked up in the head to be this attractive and not getting laid for 20 years straight. I stay for the kids. They hated me when I filed for divorce. When I filed for divorce last year, all of the sudden.... he wants to have sex. The anger is not able to be put into words. Girl, same. I don't (or at least I didn’t) think I was unattractive and couldn’t understand why he doesn’t want me-he just doesn’t. But even after I messed up and cheated and he has a full right to leave, he doesn’t.. like, why? Why would you stay but still not sleep with me and expect me to be okay. Idk how you do it...staying loyal all those years. I didn’t intend to, but I fell prey to someone who recognize I hated myself because I don’t get any affection and they took advantage of my weakness. I wasn’t strong enough and messed up 😖 And Let me tell you...he’s using The sex to maintain control so you won’t leave. He doesn’t magically wants sex now...that’s a practice, if you will, of abusers.
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Hazel
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by Hazel on Sept 21, 2020 21:15:20 GMT -5
M'lady. I suspect you're about to discover a gold mine. Judge you? Not hardly. Not around here. Welcome. Please explore, and ask questions. Thank you “ mirrororchid” ! I’ve actually started crying because I think I finally feel safe to be brutally honest. Our counselors have always erred on the side of cautious optimism and dismiss how unloving he is. And then I get blamed for being “unaccepting of change”, but nothing has changed. He makes course adjustments long enough to get everyone off his back and then he dumps me in my lonely darkness again.
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