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Post by Handy on Sept 21, 2020 21:36:30 GMT -5
Hazel He makes course adjustments long enough to get everyone off his back and then he dumps me in my lonely darkness again.
We call that reset sex or what ever he does to keep you in the relationship. You can call it reset- ________ (fill in the blank.
There is no need to hold back anything here. We are a caring and open community of people similar to you.
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Post by baza on Sept 21, 2020 21:37:54 GMT -5
Apart from the sex, what's your marriage like Sister Hazel ? I ask that because the level of sexual engagement in a marriage is usually a really good reflection of what the marriage is like in overall terms. If the sex cupboard is pretty bare, invariably so is the marriage. If you are in an ILIASM deal, your options are - - stay - cheat - leave In another of your posts, it reads like you have had a go at the (perfectly legitimate) cheating option, so presumably you are down to the two remaining options of stay, or leave. They are both perfectly legitimate options too. Do you know how a divorce would shake out for you in your jurisdiction Sister Hazel ? That would be good information to have. Doesn't mean that you would necessarily go down that road, but as a perfectly legitimate option, it deserves checking out.
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blue
New Member
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Post by blue on Sept 21, 2020 22:47:20 GMT -5
Hi I’m new here, really embarrassed and sad that this is and has been my life for a couple decades.My story(Marriage) is very long and complicated. I’m not interested in sex with my husband and haven’t been for about a decade except for a brief spell where we did for a few months and then my grown daughter moved back in. She’s since moved out and I’m not interested and oddly he doesn’t really pursue it which gives me an out I guess. Without sounding shallow he’s put on about 50 pounds, refuses to do anything about it, is mostly sedentary and iffy on hygiene. A lot of these things combined caused me to lose respect for him. I just feel like he could take care of himself, lose weight, get a little part time job; I just need to see him as virile and take charge and I don’t and am effectively turned off. On the off occasion all the stars are aligned and we do have sex like we did a few months ago then he has issues, but eventually finishes and nothing for me. A couple weeks ago we got into a fight and he talked divorce citing a lack of intimacy. I told him what I needed(he’s still not understanding that I actually do want sex not from him if he’s not making an effort and I’m honestly turned off.) I’ve always tried to take care of myself, workout daily and have good hygiene, probably to the point of vanity—I’m guilty of that. So, that’s it,I guess we’re just going to live in opposite worlds of incompatibility. Please be gentle. This all makes me feel like a horrible human being.
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Post by Handy on Sept 22, 2020 0:03:55 GMT -5
Blue, we like too hear both sides of the sex relationship issues so post away. Most people here try to under why things happen or don't happen.
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Post by baza on Sept 22, 2020 0:24:55 GMT -5
Hi I’m new here, really embarrassed and sad that this is and has been my life for a couple decades.My story(Marriage) is very long and complicated. I’m not interested in sex with my husband and haven’t been for about a decade except for a brief spell where we did for a few months and then my grown daughter moved back in. She’s since moved out and I’m not interested and oddly he doesn’t really pursue it which gives me an out I guess. Without sounding shallow he’s put on about 50 pounds, refuses to do anything about it, is mostly sedentary and iffy on hygiene. A lot of these things combined caused me to lose respect for him. I just feel like he could take care of himself, lose weight, get a little part time job; I just need to see him as virile and take charge and I don’t and am effectively turned off. On the off occasion all the stars are aligned and we do have sex like we did a few months ago then he has issues, but eventually finishes and nothing for me. A couple weeks ago we got into a fight and he talked divorce citing a lack of intimacy. I told him what I needed(he’s still not understanding that I actually do want sex not from him if he’s not making an effort and I’m honestly turned off.) I’ve always tried to take care of myself, workout daily and have good hygiene, probably to the point of vanity—I’m guilty of that. So, that’s it,I guess we’re just going to live in opposite worlds of incompatibility. Please be gentle. This all makes me feel like a horrible human being. It reads like he is a slob, overweight and unemployed. Under such circumstances, would it be such a surprise that you don't respect him and that you don't want to root him ? That would hardly make you "a horrible human being". Rather, it would make you "a human being in a dud marriage". PS - if you want to get some continuity on your post(s) it would be smart to open a thread of your own, probably under the "Sexless Marriage" folder. Posts in this "Introduce Yourself" folder tend to get buried and lost.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 22, 2020 6:21:57 GMT -5
Hi I’m new here, really embarrassed and sad that this is and has been my life for a couple decades. My story(Marriage) is very long and complicated. I’m not interested in sex with my husband and haven’t been for about a decade except for a brief spell where we did for a few months and then my grown daughter moved back in. She’s since moved out and I’m not interested and oddly he doesn’t really pursue it which gives me an out I guess. Without sounding shallow he’s put on about 50 pounds, refuses to do anything about it, is mostly sedentary and iffy on hygiene. A lot of these things combined caused me to lose respect for him. I just feel like he could take care of himself, lose weight, get a little part time job; I just need to see him as virile and take charge and I don’t and am effectively turned off. On the off occasion all the stars are aligned and we do have sex like we did a few months ago then he has issues, but eventually finishes and nothing for me. A couple weeks ago we got into a fight and he talked divorce citing a lack of intimacy. I told him what I needed(he’s still not understanding that I actually do want sex not from him if he’s not making an effort and I’m honestly turned off.) I’ve always tried to take care of myself, workout daily and have good hygiene, probably to the point of vanity—I’m guilty of that. So, that’s it,I guess we’re just going to live in opposite worlds of incompatibility. Please be gentle. This all makes me feel like a horrible human being. Ms. Blue, Anyone having the courage to claim fault upon themselves shouldn't get a "pile-on". You'd like to be more sexual? He struggles physically but apparently claims to want more too? This is a sexless marriage with more hope than many around here. A member around here named Apocrypha says both spouses in a sexless marriage suffer since the refusing spouse cannot seek intimacy because teh one person they are "allowed" to have sex with is unattractive. You seem to be a textbook example. May I commend your interest in seeking solutions? You may have already heard all the suggestions (foreplay in the shower and soap that dude down, periodontal work, antidepressants, dietary changes, etc.). Maybe you want to tell us what you've tried already (in another category as baza suggested, though fleshing out your personal story/history in "Introduce Yourself" does fit pretty well. Your call.)
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Post by h on Sept 22, 2020 7:58:04 GMT -5
Hi I’m new here, really embarrassed and sad that this is and has been my life for a couple decades.My story(Marriage) is very long and complicated. I’m not interested in sex with my husband and haven’t been for about a decade except for a brief spell where we did for a few months and then my grown daughter moved back in. She’s since moved out and I’m not interested and oddly he doesn’t really pursue it which gives me an out I guess. Without sounding shallow he’s put on about 50 pounds, refuses to do anything about it, is mostly sedentary and iffy on hygiene. A lot of these things combined caused me to lose respect for him. I just feel like he could take care of himself, lose weight, get a little part time job; I just need to see him as virile and take charge and I don’t and am effectively turned off. On the off occasion all the stars are aligned and we do have sex like we did a few months ago then he has issues, but eventually finishes and nothing for me. A couple weeks ago we got into a fight and he talked divorce citing a lack of intimacy. I told him what I needed(he’s still not understanding that I actually do want sex not from him if he’s not making an effort and I’m honestly turned off.) I’ve always tried to take care of myself, workout daily and have good hygiene, probably to the point of vanity—I’m guilty of that. So, that’s it,I guess we’re just going to live in opposite worlds of incompatibility. Please be gentle. This all makes me feel like a horrible human being. Welcome blue to the club nobody wants to be a member of.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 22, 2020 11:44:17 GMT -5
Indeed. Lazy is bad.
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blue
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by blue on Sept 22, 2020 18:03:35 GMT -5
Yeah, I should be more clear he’s medically retired, a hurt knee, he can still workout, and he’s bringing in an income; however for me with 24 hours in a day maybe they all shouldn’t be spent sleeping and in front of a computer screen.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 22, 2020 18:55:58 GMT -5
Yeah, I should be more clear he’s medically retired, a hurt knee, he can still workout, and he’s bringing in an income; however for me with 24 hours in a day maybe they all shouldn’t be spent sleeping and in front of a computer screen. Welcome blue,... It has already been mentioned that for the most part the folks at this site aren't real judgmental. But don't be surprised if there are some tough questions if/when a poster comes across as rigid or isn't open to others perspective of their situation. Generally most comments are well intended and the questions are more for clarity than to hold someone's feet to the fire, although it does happen when the poster needs some tough love to see the reality of the situation. There are any # of reasons one partner becomes unattractive as a sexual being to the other partner. Many of them are quite legitimate and understandable. You named a couple that could and do seriously dampen the desire for sex for you. One point of clarity needed by me. Your original post stated that he could get "a little part time job" as part of becoming more appealing or manly to you. In this post you say he's bringing in an income. So where's the money coming from? And it's probably a good idea to move your post to another subject heading. Often if there isn't much activity at the Welcome heading sometimes posts do not draw a lot of attention.
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blue
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by blue on Sept 22, 2020 19:38:02 GMT -5
He’s getting money from his retirement; I should clarify he’s medically retired law enforcement, so it’s not the money but it just seems he could find something productive in his life and maybe he would be then on his feet so to speak. And sometimes of course he will say I wish I was bringing in more money, or I’m really broke this month, so I think well you have hours and hours you could be doing something and remedy the issue.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 23, 2020 5:57:03 GMT -5
He’s getting money from his retirement; I should clarify he’s medically retired law enforcement, so it’s not the money but it just seems he could find something productive in his life and maybe he would be then on his feet so to speak. And sometimes of course he will say I wish I was bringing in more money, or I’m really broke this month, so I think well you have hours and hours you could be doing something and remedy the issue. Worksforme2 suggested creating a thread on another category. Since you and your husband are willing, it seems other obstacles stand in the way. May I suggest "Other Relationship Issues" to really hash this out? iliasm.org/board/10/relationship-issues - There will be a button top right that says "Create Thread" We have:
1) Needy (due to insufficient income from retirement [his words]) 2) Hygiene 3) Lots of internet time (neglect?) 4) Whatever I missed or you think of later. On the new thread, I'd be curious about which order you'd put them in and the kind of progress you'd like to see before you think things could heat up some. There may be some inquiry whether a list like that will produce an intimate income or not. More on that later.
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Post by phantom44 on Sept 27, 2020 10:23:04 GMT -5
Hello. Yes complete newbie here. Just was introduced to this forum by a member in a marriage forum.
I can't believe how many people are in the same boat as I.
Short or who I am...... 25 years married-My wife left me and my son for a 2 year affair. Then she came to me and asked me to protect her, because he was threatening her and others. So I felt obligated.
So basically the other guy is the last person to ever have sex with my wife. Yea I know I am an idiot for sticking with this. But I did alot of it for my son.
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Post by Handy on Sept 27, 2020 10:27:15 GMT -5
phantom44, welcome to the forum.
What is your next play?
Start a thread on "Other Relationship Issues" so everything is in one place.
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Post by phantom44 on Sept 27, 2020 10:31:16 GMT -5
Ok, thanks Handy.
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