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Post by Chatter Fox on Dec 22, 2016 19:25:52 GMT -5
What are your thoughts on spouses maintaining their physical self in a marriage? I think it's important for both the well being of the marriage and those in the marriage. For me personally, it plays a role but not as much as you'd expect. My level of attraction for my wife varies more on how we get along than how she looks. She has gained weight and lost weight and gained weight and lost weight. She takes reasonable care of her appearance. I've been very attracted to her when she's been in a state that would not be "textbook" attractiveness. I've also been unattracted to her when she's looked her best. Her looks influence my level of attraction but not a whole lot. I've sometimes been completely smitten by her in the morning when she hasn't had a chance to get herself together. It's been a few years since I've felt that way about her in the morning... or any other time of the day. That's great!!! I have a similar outlook. If not just so I feel good about myself. Agreed That's a bummer. Especially for him. I think it's great to try to keep yourself in shape for your partner, but I think it's equally as important for yourself. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 22, 2016 20:31:43 GMT -5
I was always "heavy" growing up - turned out, not as heavy as I felt or thought but I was sluggish & lazy (no love of life zest). When we married I still had very bad body image issues. He was fit, more or less - maybe just a few extra pounds but more gumption & energy to do things (in regular life & in the sack). We both got complacent & put on pounds. I got fed up with mine & the year my brother died (2000) did Chicago marathon but then proceeded to sit on my bum, gain weight, & ended up w/RA.
In turning around that health issue, I got into weight watchers, found activity I liked, examined (& improved) all aspects of mind, body, emotional health as best I could.
Later he still put on more weight & got diagnosed w/diabetes. Changed his eating (in nazi-like fashion) but not a lot of change in activities- he did chores but mostly to claim credit rather than enjoyably be in motion.
I lost & maintain off 50-60 pounds from weight watchers joining weigh-in. It changed my attitude about life. Last year, getting sober did too.
It's more about my outlook & how it FEELS than how it looks. I feel capable, self-reliant, resilient, energetic, sensual, sexy. Not always, not all at the same time. Sometimes I still want to lounge on a sofa for half a day. But mostly I want to live, move, enjoy what I'm capable of doing (treadmill running, but I'd love a good marathon love-making night again someday too!).
It's not so much how it looks as how it feels - same like said above, it's really about attitude.
No one can make another person healthy. Be that physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually. For me, I found they are all connected & what I do to benefit one aspect also improves the other aspects too.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 22, 2016 20:47:38 GMT -5
I was always "heavy" growing up - turned out, not as heavy as I felt or thought but I was sluggish & lazy (no love of life zest). When we married I still had very bad body image issues. He was fit, more or less - maybe just a few extra pounds but more gumption & energy to do things (in regular life & in the sack). We both got complacent & put on pounds. I got fed up with mine & the year my brother died (2000) did Chicago marathon but then proceeded to sit on my bum, gain weight, & ended up w/RA. In turning around that health issue, I got into weight watchers, found activity I liked, examined (& improved) all aspects of mind, body, emotional health as best I could. Later he still put on more weight & got diagnosed w/diabetes. Changed his eating (in nazi-like fashion) but not a lot of change in activities- he did chores but mostly to claim credit rather than enjoyably be in motion. I lost & maintain off 50-60 pounds from weight watchers joining weigh-in. It changed my attitude about life. Last year, getting sober did too. It's more about my outlook & how it FEELS than how it looks. I feel capable, self-reliant, resilient, energetic, sensual, sexy. Not always, not all at the same time. Sometimes I still want to lounge on a sofa for half a day. But mostly I want to live, move, enjoy what I'm capable of doing (treadmill running, but I'd love a good marathon love-making night again someday too!). It's not so much how it looks as how it feels - same like said above, it's really about attitude. No one can make another person healthy. Be that physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually. For me, I found they are all connected & what I do to benefit one aspect also improves the other aspects too. You're absolutely right that you can be firing on all cylinders in every aspect of your life at the same time. I don't think we're wired that way. Striving for your best in all, though is all we can do. BTW, how is the Chicago marathon? I haven't done that one yet which is weird since that's where I'm from  |
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 22, 2016 21:00:47 GMT -5
What are your thoughts on spouses maintaining their physical self in a marriage? Does their physical appearance play a role in being attractive to them sexually? I've always kept up my self and I have not let myself go in our marriage. Being healthy is important to me. I do believe both of us should keep a desirable weight for each other. My H has gained a lot of weight, doesn't eat healthy and does no exercise at all. I'm just not attractive to him and feel bad 😔 about it. I did marry him in sickness and health..... I also believe that both spouses should maintain a desirable weight and fitness level for themselves and each other. Of course, fitness level is somewhat relative to age. Don't feel bad about it. Excessive weight gain is not a sickness. In most cases, it is gluttony and sloth, two of the seven deadly sins. Personally, I couldn't love someone that gained 80+ pounds and does absolutely nothing about it any more than I could love someone addicted to alcohol or drugs who chooses to do nothing about it. Same goes for someone that is unemployed and chooses to do nothing about it. |
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Post by JMX on Dec 23, 2016 0:53:56 GMT -5
Blech. I gained 80lbs with my first pregnancy. I was a WHALE. Dear Husband could not wait for the 6 weeks resting period and we were getting frisky at 4 weeks post-baby. He never made me feel bad about it, but I wanted it gone for him (and for me). I worked hard and got back from size 12 to a 4-6. We had an "incident" and he stopped screwing me. Here I was, feeling good about myself and my husband would barely touch me if I didn't attack him. The advances I got from other men (28-30 years old) were so hard to ignore. It was difficult to be good - but I was! I suppressed it and thought we were just going through a rough patch.
Fast forward a decade, at 38 (two pregnancies later) I gradually put it almost ALL back on. Eating tons of carbs and my favorite comfort foods, drinking a bottle of wine at least 4 nights a week. Of course, I still didn't get laid. To boot, he hurled insults at me every once in awhile. My ass looks like an "onion" - what does that even mean? One time last year, I was chastising my best friend for not screwing her husband more - in front of my husband and hers. It was kind of a funny conversation - if you can imagine that, then my husband chimes in: if JMX looked like (Best Friend) - I'd fuck her all the time.
Ouch.
He knows how to shut me up.
The relationship turned into a dumpster fire after that - culminating in me "almost" leaving. Other more serious reasons on top of SM. During that time, I dropped from size 14 to an 8-10, halted when we got back together and am getting back on the wagon Monday 😩😬😢
Do I think getting back to a 4 is going to help? Nope. I don't really care - I just want to feel good again.
I've been "working" on my personality for so long now, I am ready to be completely vain and all about me.
I will be Super(ficial) Girl. I am already pretty awesome otherwise (I assume this is debatable here, but I am happy with me in this department).
And, as soon as I get out of debt, I am getting my boobs lifted. Maybe a lift and reduction, maybe a lift and augmentation - we'll see what I have to work with at size 4.
And squats. I am going to do squats. Not sure which type of onion he is talking about, but I don't want an ass that looks like an onion. Seriously? What does that even mean???
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Post by lyn on Dec 23, 2016 1:34:55 GMT -5
JMX - geez what a douchebag! All I know is onions are round and firm - sounds like a great bum! Now, regarding the OP, I think both parties in a married couple should try to stay as fit as reasonably possible. I also think both members should want to fuck each other. Pretty sure I'm not alone in that line of thinking. Up until pretty recently (until our last reset about 6-7 weeks ago) I was still attracted to my husband even though he has gained about 40lbs since we met 14 years ago. It was ok with me because I have always liked big guys and he's 6'4 so he could carry it off. I've always been thin - it's kind of genetic but I also eat a very clean diet and enjoy hiking, paddle boarding etc. when I'm healthy (I have relapsing MS). It just seems unfair when one lets it all go, and the other doesn't. At this point, he could drop 40 lbs or gain 40 more - I don't care...... I no longer want to sleep with him. This is my mantra. I'm 95% sure I would/will refuse the next reset attempt. Make that 99% sure. Based on our history, I will have exited before the next attempt anyway so,...... there you go.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 23, 2016 4:09:52 GMT -5
JMX - you are awesome and that's not debatable. You are beautiful inside and out. Hugs xoxo
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 23, 2016 9:31:01 GMT -5
We were attending a party at a friends house a few months ago that was big enough to span several rooms and a gathering of people outside. I came inside for something, and walked in on a group of women gathered in the kitchen and over heard one woman saying her vet suggested a new dog food to help her dog lose weight. Then another woman, one of my wife's closest friends, made several jokes about wishing her husband would try this dog food. All of the women laughed. I immediately thought "What a cruel thing to say!" I wanted to stand up for him, but on this very rare occasion I didn't because at that exact moment my desire to avoid a huge fight with my wife later that evening outweighed my urge to do the right thing.
However, I did briefly mention it to my wife later in the week and asked if she thought that was an unkind thing to say. She stood up for her friend saying I was trying to make a big deal out of nothing. So my instinct was correct that had I spoke up at the party, it would have resulted in a huge fight at home.
I know with 100% certainty that had any one of these women walked in on a group of husbands having the same exact joking conversation about wishing his wife would try this dog food to lose weight that an act of war would have been started. I absolutely hate double standards!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 23, 2016 11:27:03 GMT -5
I was always "heavy" growing up - turned out, not as heavy as I felt or thought but I was sluggish & lazy (no love of life zest). When we married I still had very bad body image issues. He was fit, more or less - maybe just a few extra pounds but more gumption & energy to do things (in regular life & in the sack). We both got complacent & put on pounds. I got fed up with mine & the year my brother died (2000) did Chicago marathon but then proceeded to sit on my bum, gain weight, & ended up w/RA. In turning around that health issue, I got into weight watchers, found activity I liked, examined (& improved) all aspects of mind, body, emotional health as best I could. Later he still put on more weight & got diagnosed w/diabetes. Changed his eating (in nazi-like fashion) but not a lot of change in activities- he did chores but mostly to claim credit rather than enjoyably be in motion. I lost & maintain off 50-60 pounds from weight watchers joining weigh-in. It changed my attitude about life. Last year, getting sober did too. It's more about my outlook & how it FEELS than how it looks. I feel capable, self-reliant, resilient, energetic, sensual, sexy. Not always, not all at the same time. Sometimes I still want to lounge on a sofa for half a day. But mostly I want to live, move, enjoy what I'm capable of doing (treadmill running, but I'd love a good marathon love-making night again someday too!). It's not so much how it looks as how it feels - same like said above, it's really about attitude. No one can make another person healthy. Be that physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually. For me, I found they are all connected & what I do to benefit one aspect also improves the other aspects too. You're absolutely right that you can be firing on all cylinders in every aspect of your life at the same time. I don't think we're wired that way. Striving for your best in all, though is all we can do. BTW, how is the Chicago marathon? I haven't done that one yet which is weird since that's where I'm from Chicago marathon was great! I read that it's recommended for a beginner because there is no grade greater than 7% incline - due to city history "after the fire" -- no one mentioned that the steepest part is that LAST 0.2 miles though! But I did it. I finished. I even have the medal. It was well supported by fans & neighborhoods as well. I hadn't expected that part. Totally cool going through the streets of the city having hundreds, maybe a thousand, of people call out your name (written on my tank top) & cheer in support. You should do it! |
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Post by lyn on Dec 23, 2016 12:23:16 GMT -5
We were attending a party at a friends house a few months ago that was big enough to span several rooms and a gathering of people outside. I came inside for something, and walked in on a group of women gathered in the kitchen and over heard one woman saying her vet suggested a new dog food to help her dog lose weight. Then another woman, one of my wife's closest friends, made several jokes about wishing her husband would try this dog food. All of the women laughed. I immediately thought "What a cruel thing to say!" I wanted to stand up for him, but on this very rare occasion I didn't because at that exact moment my desire to avoid a huge fight with my wife later that evening outweighed my urge to do the right thing. However, I did briefly mention it to my wife later in the week and asked if she thought that was an unkind thing to say. She stood up for her friend saying I was trying to make a big deal out of nothing. So my instinct was correct that had I spoke up at the party, it would have resulted in a huge fight at home. I know with 100% certainty that had any one of these women walked in on a group of husbands having the same exact joking conversation about wishing his wife would try this dog food to lose weight that an act of war would have been started. I absolutely hate double standards! What a hateful gaggle of ninnies JonDoe. Especially the old cow that rambles on and on about her unlucky husband. Probably a wise move to not jump in though as you realized the wrath you would've potentially endured later with your wife. That being said,, a group of men are just as likely to bash a woman or women - I think the odds are probably quite even, gender-wise, on that front. Other factors like, age group, socioeconomic status, political lean, etc., will affect how any group of men or women behave when congregated. Throw in some cocktails and you never know. It's certainly not a women group vs. men group thing though. All humans can be assholes, regardless of gender. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 23, 2016 13:03:15 GMT -5
We were attending a party at a friends house a few months ago that was big enough to span several rooms and a gathering of people outside. I came inside for something, and walked in on a group of women gathered in the kitchen and over heard one woman saying her vet suggested a new dog food to help her dog lose weight. Then another woman, one of my wife's closest friends, made several jokes about wishing her husband would try this dog food. All of the women laughed. I immediately thought "What a cruel thing to say!" I wanted to stand up for him, but on this very rare occasion I didn't because at that exact moment my desire to avoid a huge fight with my wife later that evening outweighed my urge to do the right thing. However, I did briefly mention it to my wife later in the week and asked if she thought that was an unkind thing to say. She stood up for her friend saying I was trying to make a big deal out of nothing. So my instinct was correct that had I spoke up at the party, it would have resulted in a huge fight at home. I know with 100% certainty that had any one of these women walked in on a group of husbands having the same exact joking conversation about wishing his wife would try this dog food to lose weight that an act of war would have been started. I absolutely hate double standards! A Lucy Van Pelt moment. s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/af/c9/9a/afc99afba96a4cb69aa62292341b5831.jpg |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 23, 2016 13:47:25 GMT -5
JonDoe, "That's funny. I just heard that same comment from a group of husbands in the other room." Suddenly not so funny? But yeah, you gotta pick your battles. May you win the important ones.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 23, 2016 14:33:12 GMT -5
You're absolutely right that you can be firing on all cylinders in every aspect of your life at the same time. I don't think we're wired that way. Striving for your best in all, though is all we can do. BTW, how is the Chicago marathon? I haven't done that one yet which is weird since that's where I'm from Chicago marathon was great! I read that it's recommended for a beginner because there is no grade greater than 7% incline - due to city history "after the fire" -- no one mentioned that the steepest part is that LAST 0.2 miles though! But I did it. I finished. I even have the medal. It was well supported by fans & neighborhoods as well. I hadn't expected that part. Totally cool going through the streets of the city having hundreds, maybe a thousand, of people call out your name (written on my tank top) & cheer in support. You should do it! Yeah, the last .2 miles always suck. The Houston one is a good flat one as well. I'd avoid Austin and San Diego if you prefer flat ones. Dallas ain't bad either. There is nothing like having the streets lined for 26.2 miles cheering for you. Even if you don't know them personally, it is still pretty damn cool. Probably like what a professional athlete feels on the field. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 23, 2016 16:11:22 GMT -5
The Houston one is a good flat one
Good to know! I have a nephew just outside of Houston. I may yet get to that someday.
Since my RA, my fitness is up & down. I can do a 5 k distance pretty easily currently but doing it outdoors rather than treadmill (a few weeks back, on Turkey Day) put far too much stress on my knees & I did suffer a bit for that.
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Post by brian on Dec 23, 2016 16:22:46 GMT -5
JonDoe , "That's funny. I just heard that same comment from a group of husbands in the other room." Suddenly not so funny? But yeah, you gotta pick your battles. May you win the important ones. OMG! That would have been fun to watch. Those women would have spend the rest of the evening trying to find out who said it. What fun! |
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