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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 22, 2016 11:39:59 GMT -5
same story here. Even though there's still enough attractiveness that comes with being married for 24 yrs, enough to get a rise out of me, it's a small piece of the puzzle.
It used to be just a corner missing piece. Now it feels like a missing center piece! Now with freedom months away I look at my STBX with a different lense. More like a wide angle than a zoom lens This goes back to an old post, I would not choose her again.
last night I was an usher at our church for the Christmas party. I greeted hundreds of people. married, divorced, dating, people my age or close. Then i go home to my STBX. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and "physically" I would not choose her again.
On a side note: One of the biggest hurdles right now is that damn question, "will there be another woman who I desire, that will desire me equally?"
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Post by wewbwb on Dec 22, 2016 11:47:34 GMT -5
Well, speaking for myself and only for myself, I am in no way casting a "wide blanket" at all and of course I could be wrong. My wife is a bitch and it doesn't matter if she is Christie fucking Brinkley - or Valerie Bertinelli -or Ashley Graham. I like my dick too much to put into a freezer. (No. I'm really not bitter at all.)  |
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Post by shamwow on Dec 22, 2016 11:52:10 GMT -5
What are your thoughts on spouses maintaining their physical self in a marriage? Does their physical appearance play a role in being attractive to them sexually? I've always kept up my self and I have not let myself go in our marriage. Being healthy is important to me. I do believe both of us should keep a desirable weight for each other. My H has gained a lot of weight, doesn't eat healthy and does no exercise at all. I'm just not attractive to him and feel bad 😔 about it. I did marry him in sickness and health..... It's funny that I was thinking about that just this morning. It goes without saying that the best idea is to keep yourself in shape. Strong body, strong mind and such. I know that my weight has fluctuated greatly, and it is often due to the emotional state I am in at the time. I am a 6 foot 3 male. At one time I ballooned up to 273 when I was wallowing in depression about my SM situation. I decided to get back in shape to see if that would improve matters and got myself down to 199...a 74 pound drop. Of course, that did little to nothing since I now understand the problem isn't me, but her. That level was too low to maintain, but I was able to maintain between 210 and 220 for the next 2 years or so. I had a shoulder injury back in late 2013 that stopped me from doing Jiu Jitsu. Slowly, over the next 2 years I floated back up to 252 (back this past April). As it so happens, it's also the same time I sunk back down into depression again about my SM. This summer is when I decided I'm done with this running my life, so I have been busy losing weight again. I was down to 218 this morning and am going to head back down to the 200's I think. It's not easy, but I sure as hell do feel better when I'm not lugging around a small child worth of fat. The difference this time is that I am losing the weight for me, not for someone else. Hopefully, that difference will keep it off permanently. Would I like my wife to lose some weight? I guess, but it isn't as important to me as you may think. On the other hand, it's been a long time since I've seen her naked, so you never know. |
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Post by jim44444 on Dec 22, 2016 12:38:27 GMT -5
"For better or worse, in sickness and health". How much misery have these few words caused? Their dichotomy poised innocently to justify the degradation of our emotional well being. I understand how we should be supportive in the face of unfortunate events. However when our spouse chooses sickness, when they choose destructive behaviors then they deserve no support, no understanding, no respect.
If our spouse does not maintain their physical self then that implies to me that they prioritize our relationship at a level below their immediate momentary gratification.
We cannot fully enjoy and participate in life unless we are moderately fit. If our spouse is not moderately fit then they cannot join us on our path to fully enjoy life. As our paths diverge we lose our attraction for them.
So yes their physical fitness which affects their appearance does play a role in their sexual desirability. It can also play a role in their libido. And if they are horny then there is better chance we will want them.
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 22, 2016 13:48:00 GMT -5
This is a very interesting and potentially deep subject. My oldest son is looking at Psychology as his college major. We went for a college visit and spoke to one of the head professors. She said some interesting things in the conversation about how although men and women say it is unfair, there is truth to the women want a provider and men want good looks. These things are subjective and depend on the individual. Whereas a good salary in the Midwest may be $100,000.00, on the east or west coast this may not be viewed as so favorable. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/media-spotlight/201505/what-do-women-really-wantIn this article in Psychology Today, they state that what women want comes down to "Three Gees"—good genes, good providers, and good fathers. But there has been a shift in society and women are more independent now and seek out kindness more than physical attractiveness. IMHO, as it states in the beginning of the article – it is about balance of various qualities such as physical attractiveness, displays of wealth, intelligence, athletic ability, as well as as humor, compassion, empathy, and kindness. You could be a very well built, muscled man and catch the eye of a woman, but if you are mean and have anger issues, you might get laid but you won’t keep a mate. RC |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 22, 2016 14:39:27 GMT -5
What are your thoughts on spouses maintaining their physical self in a marriage? Does their physical appearance play a role in being attractive to them sexually? I've always kept up my self and I have not let myself go in our marriage. Being healthy is important to me. I do believe both of us should keep a desirable weight for each other. My H has gained a lot of weight, doesn't eat healthy and does no exercise at all. I'm just not attractive to him and feel bad 😔 about it. I did marry him in sickness and health..... It's funny that I was thinking about that just this morning. It goes without saying that the best idea is to keep yourself in shape. Strong body, strong mind and such. I know that my weight has fluctuated greatly, and it is often due to the emotional state I am in at the time. I am a 6 foot 3 male. At one time I ballooned up to 273 when I was wallowing in depression about my SM situation. I decided to get back in shape to see if that would improve matters and got myself down to 199...a 74 pound drop. Of course, that did little to nothing since I now understand the problem isn't me, but her. That level was too low to maintain, but I was able to maintain between 210 and 220 for the next 2 years or so. I had a shoulder injury back in late 2013 that stopped me from doing Jiu Jitsu. Slowly, over the next 2 years I floated back up to 252 (back this past April). As it so happens, it's also the same time I sunk back down into depression again about my SM. This summer is when I decided I'm done with this running my life, so I have been busy losing weight again. I was down to 218 this morning and am going to head back down to the 200's I think. It's not easy, but I sure as hell do feel better when I'm not lugging around a small child worth of fat. The difference this time is that I am losing the weight for me, not for someone else. Hopefully, that difference will keep it off permanently. Would I like my wife to lose some weight? I guess, but it isn't as important to me as you may think. On the other hand, it's been a long time since I've seen her naked, so you never know. I'm a lot in the same boat here. She's put on a significant amount of weight in the last two years (probably 80+ pounds) due to bad diet and mostly being sedentary. When we first started dating, she was training for a half-marathon, which was one of the things I found attractive about her. As she's gotten more and more sedentary and spent more and more time in bed watching bad reality TV, it helped quickly to add to my decreasing physical attraction to her. So, it wasn't so much the weight gain, as much as what led to the weight gain, and then the byproduct of that (her pretty much complete lack of confidence, wanting to avoid going out, not wanting me to see her naked). I've tried everything i can think of to help her, add I've known she's been unhappy with how she looks- when I go to the gym I invite her along, but she always declines. When I take the dogs for runs or hikes or long walks she'll complain about me walking too fast and not want to go again. I'll cook healthy breakfasts and dinners, and make salads and prepared things for lunches and snacks during the work day. I'll come home to Wendy's bags or pizza boxes cluttering her side of the bed. I got her onboard with getting a personal trainer as a couple- that went disastrously bad, as apparently I was "showing off" and not being sensitive to exercises she was having difficulties with or wasn't enjoying. I've been struggling with my weight as well since we got together; between the odd sleeping hours and unorthodox diet of your typical Discipulus Ipsum, and the sympathy weight of her being unhappy, coupled with a pretty bad knee injury and a fractured ankle almost back to back, I put on about 25 pounds myself. I've been working steadily to knock that back off, and I'll continue to lose after the split, since I won't have anybody except myself holding me back from the active things i love doing, or trying to make me feel guilty for not wanting garbage from the same takeout joint five nights in a row. And, I'll be about to work out whenever and wherever I want, without her complaining that we're only doing things I want to do, and she feels like her needs aren't being met because she wants to go sit in the dark for two hours and eat popcorn and drink giant Dr. Peppers. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2016 17:00:30 GMT -5
What are your thoughts on spouses maintaining their physical self in a marriage? Does their physical appearance play a role in being attractive to them sexually? I've always kept up my self and I have not let myself go in our marriage. Being healthy is important to me. I do believe both of us should keep a desirable weight for each other. My H has gained a lot of weight, doesn't eat healthy and does no exercise at all. I'm just not attractive to him and feel bad 😔 about it. I did marry him in sickness and health..... I think it both ways. 1. If they work hard to stay attractive but don't want you sexually that's hurtful 2. If they let themselves go and you loose attract for them what does it matter sex is off the table anyway. As for ourselves, keeping yourself up for your partners sake will not change their mind but some do look at their spouse as possessions so want you to keep up appearances and treat you as they would a fancy car. So anything you do, do it for yourself and not them. |
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Post by nancyb on Dec 22, 2016 17:11:04 GMT -5
What are your thoughts on spouses maintaining their physical self in a marriage? Does their physical appearance play a role in being attractive to them sexually? I've always kept up my self and I have not let myself go in our marriage. Being healthy is important to me. I do believe both of us should keep a desirable weight for each other. My H has gained a lot of weight, doesn't eat healthy and does no exercise at all. I'm just not attractive to him and feel bad 😔 about it. I did marry him in sickness and health..... I think it both ways. 1. If they work hard to stay attractive but don't want you sexually that's hurtful 2. If they let themselves go and you loose attract for them what does it matter sex is off the table anyway. As for ourselves, keeping yourself up for your partners sake will not change their mind but some do look at their spouse as possessions so want you to keep up appearances and treat you as they would a fancy car. So anything you do, do it for yourself and not them. I agree with you Celt: My refuser is a refuser period. I have been bigger, smaller, prettier, smarter...none of that mattered to him one bit. I try to look my best. Sure could lose some weight but so what. Ashley Graham is hot!! |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2016 17:53:01 GMT -5
Great comments on this thread.
I am sure that by now, everybody knows that my refuser developed health problems - which led to our SM.
So, I have a lot of complicated feelings about a mate's health issues.
Till death do us part? Well, my refuser and I were not legally married. He could have married me back in 2003, instead of asking me in 2013, as a last resort, when we were having problems.
And, when his health problems started, he was in his late 40s/early 50s. At what age is it reasonable to let your health problems catapult you into premature old age?
People do have the right to refuse treatment. But does anybody care about the effect of that on their spouses and families.
So, there was my refuser, with his chronic back pain and his liking Rx painkillers a little too much; and his bad sinuses, and his depression, and probably other stuff that I couldn't even guess at.
And then there was me - in my late 40s/early 50s - still pretty healthy; still not too old-looking or ugly; not yet ready to live like I was 75 years old. And at that point, still in love with him and wanting sex.
Who's to say what is the right thing to do in this situation?
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 22, 2016 17:58:04 GMT -5
It never mattered to me the weight of my ex. I was in love with him and I wanted him and he was 250-280 during our courting and marriage.
I am also overweight. I have been my entire life BUT I do exercise and try to be active. I guess it mattered to him and he didn't find me attractive for sex but to cook his meals and clean the house I was pretty enough.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2016 18:16:49 GMT -5
It never mattered to me the weight of my ex. I was in love with him and I wanted him and he was 250-280 during our courting and marriage. I am also overweight. I have been my entire life BUT I do exercise and try to be active. I guess it mattered to him and he didn't find me attractive for sex but to cook his meals and clean the house I was pretty enough. My weight has fluctuated most of my adult life; about 2 years ago I had lost 30 lbs. My refuser gave me lots of complimentary words, but no action. Now, two years later, I've gained back about maybe 20 lbs. Although I' m now out, I still see my refuser about once a month. His attitude towards me is still as sexless as ever. Meanwhile, I've been dating a guy who thinks I'm mad sexy, even with the extra 20 lbs. Granted, he is a bit chunky himself; but 1) men can get away with that and 2) it isn't a dealbreaker for me; I have known men who were quite overweight, who I would have dated because they were so deliciously bad. (Alas, this man is not deliciously bad. But that's another story.) |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 22, 2016 18:22:25 GMT -5
It never mattered to me the weight of my ex. I was in love with him and I wanted him and he was 250-280 during our courting and marriage. I am also overweight. I have been my entire life BUT I do exercise and try to be active. I guess it mattered to him and he didn't find me attractive for sex but to cook his meals and clean the house I was pretty enough. My weight has fluctuated most of my adult life; about 2 years ago I had lost 30 lbs. My refuser gave me lots of complimentary words, but no action. Now, two years later, I've gained back about maybe 20 lbs. Although I' m now out, I still see my refuser about once a month. His attitude towards me is still as sexless as ever. Meanwhile, I've been dating a guy who thinks I'm mad sexy, even with the extra 20 lbs. Granted, he is a bit chunky himself; but 1) men can get away with that and 2) it isn't a dealbreaker for me; I have known men who were quite overweight, who I would have dated because they were so deliciously bad. (Alas, this man is not deliciously bad. But that's another story.) Glad to hear you are dating someone!! I'm happy for you! |
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Post by shamwow on Dec 22, 2016 18:53:52 GMT -5
It never mattered to me the weight of my ex. I was in love with him and I wanted him and he was 250-280 during our courting and marriage. I am also overweight. I have been my entire life BUT I do exercise and try to be active. I guess it mattered to him and he didn't find me attractive for sex but to cook his meals and clean the house I was pretty enough. My weight has fluctuated most of my adult life; about 2 years ago I had lost 30 lbs. My refuser gave me lots of complimentary words, but no action. Now, two years later, I've gained back about maybe 20 lbs. Although I' m now out, I still see my refuser about once a month. His attitude towards me is still as sexless as ever. Meanwhile, I've been dating a guy who thinks I'm mad sexy, even with the extra 20 lbs. Granted, he is a bit chunky himself; but 1) men can get away with that and 2) it isn't a dealbreaker for me; I have known men who were quite overweight, who I would have dated because they were so deliciously bad. (Alas, this man is not deliciously bad. But that's another story.) Ok, I'll bite...what do you mean by "deliciously bad?" |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 22, 2016 19:20:22 GMT -5
Besides the physical appearance, there's the lack of drive to do, well....just about anything! Granted she goes to work full time, but spends her days seated in front of a computer. Comes home and sits.
There's also a convenient lists of ailments that keeps her from doing household activities. (kind of like her mom did to her daddy) The kids seem fed up with her asking them to do things for her. They have expressed the difference in mom and dad. Mom tells us what to do, dad helps us do things. This has been going on for a decade or longer now, and she just turned 50.
Meanwhile my weight is still the same as when I was 25 yrs old. I'm out mowing 8 lawns on the weekend, climbing ladders, using chainsaws, painting houses, helping people move, splitting logs, lifting weights 3 times a week, still boogie boarding in the ocean, and I am 2 1/2 yrs older than her.
There was the difference in our sizes when we met. Now it shows stronger than ever. Then to be rejected on so many levels, it cuts deep.
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Post by brian on Dec 22, 2016 19:25:33 GMT -5
I don't care about weight. It's all about ATTITUDE! If you love life and enjoy yourself, I want to be around you and will find you attractive. If you don't, then you're not going to be attractive to me. Physical looks is so far down my list that, unless I can hardly tell the difference between you and roadkill, I can and will find you attractive if you have the right attitude.
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