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Post by Lithium92 on Dec 18, 2016 12:51:04 GMT -5
The sex part isn't important right now - keeping yourself safe is what matters. It's hard to see it sometimes from the inside, but it's clear to me that you're in an abusive relationship, and the first thing is to get out of harm's way. Everything else can be worked out after that.
The things you mention he's done are fine and normal, they don't sound to me like amazing extras. They're the kind of support most people would expect from their partners. They don't seem like the kind of thing that deserve special credit, beyond normal human decency. And one partner 'allowing' the other other to do anything implies there's stuff he doesn't 'allow' you to do, which is controlling and probably coercive behaviour.
Check out misssunnybunny's links and try to plan an exit. Keep yourself safe, and if you need support, it'll always be here on this forum.
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joy
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Post by joy on Dec 18, 2016 13:49:43 GMT -5
Since I am on a student visa, and my company will apply for a change of visa status to a work-visa. This work-visa is picked in a lottery. I can live in the US for a maximum of 2 more years on student visa. If I don't get selected in the lottery for work visa, I will have to return to India.
If I get divorced in the next year in the US and I cannot live here beyond two years, will the divorce be accepted in India (I dont want to go back to India after divorce).
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Post by baza on Dec 18, 2016 15:57:13 GMT -5
Now we seem to be getting to the bottom of all this.
The marriage appears to have been a segue into you migrating to a jurisdiction with more opportunity than your native land.
And the marriage component of the deal hasn't and isn't working out.
It appears that there are 3 factors in play.
#1 - is your physical safety, which needs to be your top priority.
#2 - (by virtue of #1) needs to be getting out of the marriage, perhaps having it annulled on the basis of no consumation, or by whatever means you can.
#3 - is your desire to legally remain in this jurisdiction.
If you are not safe (#1 - above) the other two matters are theory. You have to actually be alive to be able to address #2 and #3 otherwise they are not relevant.
If you get out, and are safe, then you have a 2 year lead time to deal with these other matters.
But if you are NOT safe, then you will NOT get an opportunity to deal with these other matters.
You really need some specialist advice (a) in regard to getting away from your present marital situation, and (b) securing your status as a citizen.
Unfortunately, I can't recall any members here who have been through a similar situation, so there are no examples (that I am personally aware of) to point you toward.
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joy
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Post by joy on Dec 18, 2016 16:23:39 GMT -5
I think I can get out safely. Big fights/abuse used to happen before I landed a job. Things are ok now, but I know that there are chances I can lose my job and things can get worse if I don't act now.
I will focus on getting an apt immediately and work on separation (we have joint credit cards/bank account, car).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2016 21:29:14 GMT -5
joy - welcome. I concur with all the other people who are saying Get. Out. Now. Your H is abusive. Under those circumstances, I completely understand your "refusing." You deserve so much better.
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joy
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Post by joy on Dec 18, 2016 22:10:22 GMT -5
I get it.
As a final call, should we see a therapist/counselor before separating?
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Post by baza on Dec 18, 2016 22:27:59 GMT -5
Re - counsellor.
I think you need to keep your departure a clandestine operation.
By necessity, this would preclude any "joint" counselling, as that would give him a heads up as to your intentions, and you do NOT want to give him a heads up lest his abusive streak is unleashed full on.
Out first.
Details later.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 18, 2016 22:39:20 GMT -5
I think I can get out safely. Big fights/abuse used to happen before I landed a job. Things are ok now, but I know that there are chances I can lose my job and things can get worse if I don't act now. I will focus on getting an apt immediately and work on separation (we have joint credit cards/bank account, car). Joint counselling? No. Emotions aside for now. Time is ticking away. prioritize. An attorney will also give you free financial advise. mention your joint accounts. You will be advised on how to handle opening and maintaining your own private accounts. Protecting yourself from him removing all your assets and you having no control for your legal separation. Many, many times it comes down to THE MONEY. |
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Post by solodriver on Dec 18, 2016 23:07:45 GMT -5
I live in the US. I will move out after I get back from my family in India. My friend has agreed to let me stay at her place until I find an apartment for myself (I have started searching for an apt). I need to start planning on how to get a restraining order and apply for divorce. Thanks for all your support! Joy, you are starting on the path that will allow you to live your beautiful name - Joy!
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Post by jim44444 on Dec 19, 2016 8:07:11 GMT -5
joy, as has been mentioned your situation is unique based upon your combination of factors. You must get reliable legal advise to preserve your visa status and to obtain a divorce that will be recognized in India. There is reciprocity but it is not 100% applicable. Keep your plans secret from your husband so that he will not cause you trouble with immigration authorities.
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joy
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Post by joy on Dec 21, 2016 23:54:42 GMT -5
my husband just gifted me something nice. he still cares for me. I'm confused now.
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Post by unmatched on Dec 22, 2016 0:39:35 GMT -5
my husband just gifted me something nice. he still cares for me. I'm confused now. Why confused? Do you expect him never to do anything nice? Some of the worst wife-beaters can be very giving and affectionate in between putting their spouse in hospital every few weeks. And even the best people can have bad days. You need to be able to step back and look at your marriage as a whole and ask what it is doing to you/for you. Is it something you want? And do you have dealbreakers - things you will NEVER put up with no matter how much good stuff comes in between? |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 22, 2016 2:04:42 GMT -5
joy, Guilt. Trying to buy you off / buy your affections. Psychologically feeling like he needs to balance abusive behavior with giving behavior. Who knows why, and it doesn't matter. Again, it's not a game of balance. It doesn't matter if he loves you to pieces. He is still abusing you - that behavior stands on its own.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Dec 22, 2016 22:19:51 GMT -5
my husband just gifted me something nice. he still cares for me. I'm confused now. Often times gifts are used to placate the abused person in a relationship, part of a cycle of violence (again, violence can be physical, mental, emotional). Here is a good description of the cycle, and different types of relational violence: www.dvsolutions.org/info/cycle.aspx |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 23, 2016 11:16:09 GMT -5
my husband just gifted me something nice. he still cares for me. I'm confused now. Often times gifts are used to placate the abused person in a relationship, part of a cycle of violence (again, violence can be physical, mental, emotional). Here is a good description of the cycle, and different types of relational violence: www.dvsolutions.org/info/cycle.aspxI really didn't realize until reading that how many aspects I had experienced in verbal, emotional, psychological & spiritual abuse. I thought my Ex was just very unhappy as a person, & he was for sure - but I didn't understand how many things he did that FIT these definitions. I'm so grateful I'm out. |
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